Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free

翻译人员: XIE Qing 校对人员: Wei Wu

I know a man who soars above the city every night.

我知道有个人每天晚上都翱翔在这个城市的上空

In his dreams, he twirls and swirls

在他的梦里，他扭转,不断地扭转

with his toes kissing the Earth.

用脚趾亲吻着大地

Everything has motion, he claims,

他说，万物皆喜乐，

even a body as paralyzed as his own.

即使像他那般瘫痪的躯体（也是如此）

This man is my father.

这个人，就是我的父亲

Three years ago, when I found out

三年前，我发现

that my father had suffered a severe stroke

我父亲遭受中风

in his brain stem,

在他的脑干部位

I walked into his room in the ICU

我走进重症监护室

at the Montreal Neurological Institute

位于蒙特利尔神经研究所

and found him lying deathly still,

然后发现他，僵硬地躺着

tethered to a breathing machine.

接着呼吸机

Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,

渐渐的，他全身瘫痪

beginning in his toes, then legs,

先是脚趾，然后大腿

torso, fingers and arms.

躯体，再是手指，臂膊

It made its way up his neck,

蔓延至颈部以上

cutting off his ability to breathe,

这切断了他的呼吸功能

and stopped just beneath the eyes.

并且停止于眼睑

He never lost consciousness.

他从未失去信念

Rather, he watched from within

并且 他默默地注视着

as his body shut down,

他的躯体陷入瘫痪

limb by limb,

从双腿到双臂

muscle by muscle.

从肌肉到肌肉

In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,

在重症监护室里，我走到我父亲的身前

and with a quivering voice and through tears,

泪汪汪的，以颤抖的声音

I began reciting the alphabet.

我开始计数字母表

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A,B,C,D,E,F,G

H, I, J, K.

H,I,J,K

At K, he blinked his eyes.

数到K的时候，他抖动了下睫毛

I began again.

我又一次开始

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A,B,C,D,E,F,G

H, I.

H,I,

He blinked again at the letter I,

他在数到 I 的时候又抖动了下睫毛

then at T, then at R, and A:

然后再T，R，A

Kitra.

Kitra

He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.

他说 Kitra，我的女儿，不要哭

This is a blessing."

神护佑着我

There was no audible voice, but my father

声音不大，但我的父亲

called out my name powerfully.

有力地说出了我的名字

Just 72 hours after his stroke,

只是在他中风72小时后

he had already embraced

他已经坦然接受

the totality of his condition.

他的现状

Despite his extreme physical state,

尽管经受着极差的身体状况

he was completely present with me,

他还是同我在一起

guiding, nurturing,

引导，呵护

and being my father as much

作为我的父亲

if not more than ever before.

甚至到达前所未有的高度

Locked-in syndrome

身处险境

is many people's worst nightmare.

是许多人的梦魇

In French, it's sometimes called

在法国，有时人们称之为

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."

炼狱噩梦

Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."

字面上理解，即“在病痛中行走”

For many people, perhaps most,

对许多人来说，也许

paralysis is an unspeakable horror,

瘫痪是不可言说的恐怖

but my father's experience

但我父亲的经历

losing every system of his body

失去了身体的各部位的功能

was not an experience of feeling trapped,

却不为所困

but rather of turning the psyche inwards,

反而转向内观

dimming down the external chatter,

在外界扰攘中静下心

facing the recesses of his own mind,

面对自己的内心深处

and in that place,

在那里

falling in love with life and body anew.

爱上新的生命和躯体

As a rabbi and spiritual man

作为一个拉比（犹太人的学者）和关注心灵的人

dangling between mind and body, life and death,

游离于思想和身体，生命和死亡之间

the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.

瘫痪为他开启了新的意识

He realized he no longer needed to look

他意识到他不再需要观察

beyond the corporeal world

逾越肉体世界

in order to find the divine.

才能追求圣神

"Paradise is in this body.

“天堂就在这个躯体里面

It's in this world," he said.

就在这个世界” 他说

I slept by my father's side for the first four months,

起初四个月 我睡在父亲的床边

tending as much as I could

尽我所能

to his every discomfort,

消除他的不适

understanding the deep human psychological fear

理解人类内心深处的恐惧

of not being able to call out for help.

因为无法求救

My mother, sisters, brother and I,

我的母亲，兄弟姐妹们还有我

we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.

我们围着他，形成医治他的蛹

We became his mouthpiece,

我们成为了他的说话筒

spending hours each day reciting the alphabet

每天花上几小时背诵字母表

as he whispered back sermons

他耳语一些重心长的话

and poetry with blinks of his eye.

还有诗歌，他的眼里闪着光芒

His room, it became our temple of healing.

父亲的房间化身我们医治的殿堂

His bedside became a site for those

而他的床畔成了

seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,

那些寻求帮助和心灵慰藉的场所。通过我们

my father was able to speak

我的父亲可以说话

and uplift,

升华心灵

letter by letter,

一字又一字

blink by blink.

一眨眼又一眨眼

Everything in our world became slow and tender

所有的一切变得缓慢并且温柔

as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward

当医院病房的喧嚣，疯狂和死亡

faded into the background.

渐渐消失

I want to read to you one of the first things

我想说给你们听的第一件事

that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.

是在父亲中风后的第一个礼拜 我们听写下来的内容

He composed a letter,

他写了一封信

addressing his synagogue congregation,

给教会的会众

and ended it with the following lines:

在结尾处他写到

"When my nape exploded,

当我的项背炸开

I entered another dimension:

我进入了另一个次元

inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.

初生，俯瞰尘世，细微

Universes are opened and closed continually.

一个个宇宙开启，关闭，生生不息

There are many when low,

很多人在生命的低谷

who stop growing.

停止生长

Last week, I was brought so low,

上星期，我被打击到如此卑微

but I felt the hand of my father around me,

但是我感觉到我父亲的手扶住了我

and my father brought me back."

我父亲把我带了回来

When we weren't his voice,

当我们不再是他的声音的时候

we were his legs and arms.

我们成了他的双腿和双臂

I moved them like I know I would have wanted

我移动手脚就像我知道

my own arms and legs to be moved

自己的手脚想要舒展

were they still for all the hours of the day.

假想我若是整天动弹不得

I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,

我握着他的手指贴在我的脸庞

bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.

弯曲每个关节使它柔软和弹性

I'd ask him again and again

我一遍又一遍的问他

to visualize the motion,

让他看到每一个动作

to watch from within as the finger curled

从内部看手指弯曲

and extended, and to move along with it

伸直和随之移动

in his mind.

跟着他的意念

Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,

有一天，我用眼角的余光

I saw his body slither like a snake,

看到他的身体像蛇一样扭动

an involuntary spasm passing through the course

一种无意识的痉挛

of his limbs.

通过他的手臂

At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,

一开始，我想这是我自己的幻觉

having spent so much time tending to this one body,

花费了太多时间照顾的身体

so desperate to see anything react on its own.

如此渴望看到他身体某个部位自己能够有所回应

But he told me he felt tingles,

但是他告诉我他感觉到刺痛感

sparks of electricity flickering on and off

断断续续的电流

just beneath the surface of the skin.

就在他的肌肤Z之下

The following week, he began ever so slightly

在接下来的一周里，他出现了十分微弱的

to show muscle resistance.

肌肉抗力

Connections were being made.

刺激和反应开始产生连接

Body was slowly and gently reawakening,

身体慢慢地恢复知觉

limb by limb, muscle by muscle,

从双腿到双臂，从肌肉到肌肉

twitch by twitch.

抽搐一下接着一下

As a documentary photographer,

作为一个纪实摄影师

I felt the need to photograph

我感觉到记录下这一切的必要

each of his first movements

每一个他第一次的移动

like a mother with her newborn.

就像母亲和他的新生儿

I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,

我拍下了他第一次无供养呼吸

the celebratory moment after he showed

庆祝时刻 在出现

muscle resistance for the very first time,

第一次肌肉抗力后

the new adapted technologies that allowed him

新的科技使得他

to gain more and more independence.

获得越来越多的自主性

I photographed the care and the love

我拍下了围绕在

that surrounded him.

他身边的关怀和爱

But my photographs only told the outside story

但是我的照片仅仅讲述了故事的表面

of a man lying in a hospital bed

一个男人躺在病床上

attached to a breathing machine.

依附着呼吸机

I wasn't able to portray his story from within,

我没能刻画他内心的故事

and so I began to search for a new visual language,

我开始寻找一种新的可视化的语言

one which strived to express the ephemeral quality

一种努力表达瞬间的语言

of his spiritual experience.

展现他的心灵历程

Finally, I want to share with you

最后，我想和你们分享

a video from a series that I've been working on

我一直在坚持的系列中的一段视频

that tries to express the slow, in-between existence

它试图表达了缓慢的滞留生死之间的过程

that my father has experienced.

我父亲经历过的

As he began to regain his ability to breathe,

当他开始重获呼吸的能力时

I started recording his thoughts,

我开始记录他的想法

and so the voice that you hear in this video

因此你们在这段视频中听到的声音

is his voice.

是我父亲的声音

(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe

你不得不相信

you're paralyzed

你无法动弹

to play the part

才能演一个

of a quadriplegic.

一个四肢瘫痪的人

I don't.

我不信

In my mind,

在我的脑海里

and in my dreams

在我的梦里

every night

每个夜晚

I Chagall-man float

我化身夏加尔（俄国画家）的画中人 漂浮

over the city

在城市上空

twirl and swirl

翩翩起舞

with my toes kissing the floor.

我的脚趾亲吻大地

I know nothing about the statement

我一无所知

of man without motion.

何为无法动弹的人

Everything has motion.

万物皆有情感

The heart pumps.

心脏跳动

The body heaves.

身体喘息

The mouth moves.

嘴巴张合

We never stagnate.

我们从不瘀滞

Life triumphs up and down.

人生跌宕起伏

Kitra Cahana: For most of us,

对于我们中的大多数

our muscles begin to twitch and move

我们的肌肉开始抽搐运动

long before we are conscious,

我们过很久才会意识到

but my father tells me his privilege

但是我的父亲告诉我他的奇异恩典

is living on the far periphery

是住在外围

of the human experience.

在人类经验的外围

Like an astronaut who sees a perspective

想宇航员欣赏到的景色

that very few of us will ever get to share,

我们中间很少有人将会看到

he wonders and watches as he takes

他惊讶地注视着

his first breaths

他第一次呼吸

and dreams about crawling back home.

梦想着爬回家

So begins life at 57, he says.

当他57时，他说

A toddler has no attitude in its being,

一个蹒跚学步的孩子内心对他的生命没有想法

but a man insists on his world every day.

但是一个成年人每天坚持着他想要的世界

Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations

我们中间很少会要面临生理的限制

to the degree that my father has,

达到像我父亲那样的程度

but we will all have moments of paralysis

但是我们都会遇到无力的时刻

in our lives.

在我们的生命中

I know I frequently confront walls

我常常面对生活的围墙

that feel completely unscalable,

感到完全不可超越

but my father insists

但是我的父亲坚持

that there are no dead ends.

人生没有死胡同

Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing

相反，他邀请我进入共同治疗的空间

to give the very best of myself, and for him

展现一个最完美的自己，对他而言

to give the very best of himself to me.

在我面前展现一个最完美的他

Paralysis was an opening for him.

瘫痪为他打开了一扇窗

It was an opportunity to emerge,

这是一个涌现生命的机会

to rekindle life force,

重获生命的力量

to sit still long enough with himself

一个人长时间静静地坐着

so as to fall in love with the full continuum

爱上

of creation.

创造的永恒

Today, my father is no longer locked in.

今天，我的父亲再也不受禁锢

He moves his neck with ease,

他轻松自如地扭动动他的脖子

has had his feeding peg removed,

他的营养输送管也被移除了

breathes with his own lungs,

他用自己的肺呼吸

speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,

用他自己的嗓音慢慢说话

and works every day

每天坚持复健

to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.

让他瘫痪的身体获得更多的活动

But the work will never be finished.

但是这项工作永远不会结束

As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,

他说 我住在一个破碎的世界里

and there is holy work to do."

有圣神的事情要做

Thank you.

谢谢

(Applause)

（掌声）