Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free

譯者: Yesbydefault 倪文娟 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

I know a man who soars above the city every night.

我認識一個人，

每晚自由翱翔於城市夜空；

In his dreams, he twirls and swirls

在他的夢裡，翩翩起舞，

with his toes kissing the Earth.

腳趾親吻著大地。

Everything has motion, he claims,

萬物皆動，他如此宣告，

even a body as paralyzed as his own.

縱使全身麻痺如他。

This man is my father.

他，就是我的父親。

Three years ago, when I found out

三年前，當我發現

that my father had suffered a severe stroke

父親發生嚴重的腦幹中風，

in his brain stem,

I walked into his room in the ICU

我走進他的加護病房，

at the Montreal Neurological Institute

在蒙特婁神經學研究中心，

and found him lying deathly still,

我發現他癱瘓在病床上，

tethered to a breathing machine.

戴著呼吸器，

Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,

麻痺緩慢地封閉他的身體，

beginning in his toes, then legs,

從腳趾開始，接著是腿，

torso, fingers and arms.

軀幹、手指和手臂，

It made its way up his neck,

一路麻痺到脖子，

cutting off his ability to breathe,

阻斷了他的呼吸能力，

and stopped just beneath the eyes.

繼續上行到眼睛下方才停止。

He never lost consciousness.

他從沒有失去意識，

Rather, he watched from within

而是從內在觀看這一切，

as his body shut down,

看著自己的身體停機，

limb by limb,

四肢從腳到手，

muscle by muscle.

肌肉一條接著一條。

In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,

在加護病房裡，我走向父親的身體，

and with a quivering voice and through tears,

我的聲音顫抖，眼淚奔流，

I began reciting the alphabet.

開始逐一唸出英文字母：

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A、B、C、

D、E、F、G、

H, I, J, K.

H、I、J、K，

唸到 K，他眨了一下眼睛。

At K, he blinked his eyes.

I began again.

然後我再從頭開始，

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A、B、C、

D、E、F、G、

H, I.

H、I，

He blinked again at the letter I,

唸到 I，他又眨了一下眼睛。

then at T, then at R, and A:

接著是 T，

接著是 R，

接著是 A，

Kitra.

Kitra，我的名字。

He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.

他說：「Kitra，我美麗的孩子，別哭，

This is a blessing."

這...是個祝福。」

There was no audible voice, but my father

父親並沒有發出聲音，

但對我的叫喚卻響亮無比。

called out my name powerfully.

Just 72 hours after his stroke,

中風後才短短 72 個小時，

he had already embraced

他已經欣然接受了整件事實。

the totality of his condition.

Despite his extreme physical state,

儘管身體極度受挫，

he was completely present with me,

他卻完全與我同在，

guiding, nurturing,

引導我，

呵護我，

and being my father as much

做我的父親，絲毫不減，

if not more than ever before.

甚至更甚以往。

Locked-in syndrome

「閉鎖症候群」

is many people's worst nightmare.

是許多人最恐懼的夢靨，

In French, it's sometimes called

法文有時稱這種狀態為：

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant"

Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."

意思是：「活生生被圍牆禁錮的疾病」。

For many people, perhaps most,

對許多人來說，或許是絕大多數，

paralysis is an unspeakable horror,

癱瘓是無以言喻的驚駭。

but my father's experience

但是我父親的經驗，

losing every system of his body

雖然他喪失了全身的功能，

was not an experience of feeling trapped,

卻不覺得受困，

but rather of turning the psyche inwards,

反而轉向內觀，

dimming down the external chatter,

靜下外在的擾嚷，

facing the recesses of his own mind,

面對自己心靈的潛默。

and in that place,

然後在那深處，

falling in love with life and body anew.

愛上新的生命和身體。

As a rabbi and spiritual man

父親是位拉比，和屬靈的人，

dangling between mind and body, life and death,

擺盪在身與心、生與死之間，

the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.

癱瘓為他開啟了新的意識，

He realized he no longer needed to look

他領悟到自己不再需要

beyond the corporeal world

超越肉體世界，

in order to find the divine.

才能追尋神聖。

"Paradise is in this body.

「天堂就在這個身體裡面，

It's in this world," he said.

就在這個世界。」 他說。

I slept by my father's side for the first four months,

頭四個月，我睡在父親身邊，

tending as much as I could

盡我所能地照顧他，

to his every discomfort,

減輕他所有的不適；

understanding the deep human psychological fear

了解那種深層人性心理恐懼，

of not being able to call out for help.

害怕無法求救。

My mother, sisters, brother and I,

我的母親、姊妹、弟弟和我，

we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.

我們圍著父親，形成醫治的蛹。

We became his mouthpiece,

我們變成他的發話筒，

spending hours each day reciting the alphabet

每天好幾個小時唸字母，

as he whispered back sermons

寫下父親藉著眨眼， 悄訴出來的講道和詩作。

and poetry with blinks of his eye.

His room, it became our temple of healing.

他的病房，

化身為我們醫治的殿堂。

His bedside became a site for those

他的床畔，

安慰著前來尋求建議 和屬靈輔導的人。

seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,

透過我們，

my father was able to speak

父親可以說話，

and uplift,

昇華心靈，

letter by letter,

一個字母又一個字母，

blink by blink.

一眨眼再一眨眼。

Everything in our world became slow and tender

我們的世界裡， 一切都變得緩慢而溫柔，

as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward

讓醫院病房的喧囂、瘋狂、死亡

faded into the background.

淡褪下去。

I want to read to you one of the first things

我想朗讀父親中風後第一個禮拜， 我們聽寫下來的內容。

that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.

He composed a letter,

他寫了一封信，

addressing his synagogue congregation,

給教堂的會眾，

and ended it with the following lines:

信末的幾句話是：

"When my nape exploded,

「當我的項頸炸開，

I entered another dimension:

我進入了另一個次元：

inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.

初生，

俯瞰塵世，

細微，

Universes are opened and closed continually.

一個個宇宙開啟、封閉，生生不息，

很多人在生命的低谷

There are many when low,

who stop growing.

停止成長。

Last week, I was brought so low,

上星期，我被擊打到如此卑微，

but I felt the hand of my father around me,

但我感覺到父神的手扶住我，

and my father brought me back."

我的父神把我帶了回來。」

When we weren't his voice,

沒有做他的聲音時，

we were his legs and arms.

我們是他的雙腳和雙臂。

I moved them like I know I would have wanted

我移動他的臂膀，

假想我若整天動彈不得時

my own arms and legs to be moved

會希望得到的舒展。

were they still for all the hours of the day.

I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,

我記得我把他的手指拉近我的臉，

bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.

幫他彎曲每一個關節， 以保持柔軟彈性。

I'd ask him again and again

我不斷地請他

to visualize the motion,

想像這個動作，

to watch from within as the finger curled

從體內看著每根手指彎曲，

and extended, and to move along with it

再打開，

用意念跟著手指一起動。

in his mind.

Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,

有一天，我眼睛的餘光

I saw his body slither like a snake,

看見他的身體曲行如蛇，

an involuntary spasm passing through the course

不自主的痙攣流竄過四肢。

of his limbs.

At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,

剛開始，我以為是自己的錯覺，

having spent so much time tending to this one body,

花了這麼多時間照料這癱瘓的身軀，

so desperate to see anything react on its own.

迫切想看到任何東西自己動起來。

But he told me he felt tingles,

但是他告訴我他有感覺到蜇麻，

sparks of electricity flickering on and off

斷斷續續的電流

just beneath the surface of the skin.

搔著他的皮下。

The following week, he began ever so slightly

接下來的一週，

他開始出現極其微弱的肌肉抗力，

to show muscle resistance.

Connections were being made.

刺激和反應開始有連結，

Body was slowly and gently reawakening,

身體柔緩地甦醒，

limb by limb, muscle by muscle,

四肢一個接著一個，

肌肉一條接著一條，

twitch by twitch.

抽動一下接著一下。

As a documentary photographer,

身為紀實攝影師，

I felt the need to photograph

我覺得必須拍下

each of his first movements

他的每一個初始動作，

like a mother with her newborn.

像母親一樣地記錄新生嬰兒。

I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,

我拍下他第一口不需輔助的呼吸、

the celebratory moment after he showed

肌肉抗力乍現帶給我們的歡欣時刻、

muscle resistance for the very first time,

the new adapted technologies that allowed him

以及幫助他更獨立自主的新技術。

to gain more and more independence.

I photographed the care and the love

我拍下圍繞著他的愛與照料。

that surrounded him.

But my photographs only told the outside story

但是我只拍得到外在的故事，

of a man lying in a hospital bed

述說一個身臥病榻，

attached to a breathing machine.

接著呼吸器的人。

I wasn't able to portray his story from within,

我無法刻劃他內在的故事，

and so I began to search for a new visual language,

所以我開始尋找一種新的視覺語言，

one which strived to express the ephemeral quality

努力表達父親精神世界 那種瞬息即逝的感覺。

of his spiritual experience.

Finally, I want to share with you

最後，我想分享

a video from a series that I've been working on

最近創作的一系列影片之一，

that tries to express the slow, in-between existence

試圖表達父親 滯留生死之間的緩慢存在。

that my father has experienced.

As he began to regain his ability to breathe,

當他漸漸恢復呼吸的能力，

I started recording his thoughts,

我開始錄下他的思緒，

and so the voice that you hear in this video

所以這支影片中講話的是他：

is his voice.

(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe

「你必須相信

you're paralyzed

自己絲毫不能動彈，

to play the part

才能扮演

of a quadriplegic.

一個四肢癱瘓的人。

I don't.

但我不相信。

In my mind,

在我的腦海中，

and in my dreams

在我的夢境裡，

every night

夜夜，

I Chagall-man float

我化身夏卡爾畫中人物，飄浮起來，

over the city

俯瞰城市，

twirl and swirl

翩翩飛舞，

with my toes kissing the floor.

腳趾親吻著大地。

I know nothing about the statement

我完全不知道

of man without motion.

何謂無法動彈的人。

Everything has motion.

萬物皆動。

The heart pumps.

心會跳動，

The body heaves.

身體會喘息，

The mouth moves.

嘴巴會張合。

We never stagnate.

我們永遠不會停滯不前，

Life triumphs up and down.

生命的勝利，高低起伏。」

Kitra Cahana: For most of us,

對我們多數人來說，

our muscles begin to twitch and move

我們的肌肉開始抽扭運動，

long before we are conscious,

過一陣子才會意識到。

but my father tells me his privilege

但是父親告訴我，他的奇異恩典是

is living on the far periphery

能夠活在人類生命經驗的邊陲。

of the human experience.

Like an astronaut who sees a perspective

就像太空人有幸欣賞

that very few of us will ever get to share,

極少人得以看見的景致，

he wonders and watches as he takes

他驚奇地看著自己重新呼吸，

his first breaths

and dreams about crawling back home.

並且夢想著爬回家門。

So begins life at 57, he says.

他說，就這樣人生從 57 歲開始。

A toddler has no attitude in its being,

幼童對生命的態度還沒有形成，

but a man insists on his world every day.

但是一個成人每天 都決定著自己的世界。

Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations

僅極少數人被迫面對

像我父親這麼極端的身體限制，

to the degree that my father has,

but we will all have moments of paralysis

但我們都會經歷生命中的停滯。

in our lives.

I know I frequently confront walls

我知道我就常常面對生命的圍牆，

that feel completely unscalable,

感覺完全無法超越。

but my father insists

但是我的父親堅持，

that there are no dead ends.

生命沒有死胡同。

Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing

相反的，他邀請我 進入共同療癒的空間，

to give the very best of myself, and for him

讓我展現最好的自己，

而他，也給我最好的父親。

to give the very best of himself to me.

Paralysis was an opening for him.

癱瘓對他而言，是個開端，

It was an opportunity to emerge,

是生命湧現的契機，

to rekindle life force,

重獲生命的力量，

to sit still long enough with himself

安靜地獨坐，

so as to fall in love with the full continuum

久到可以愛上創造的永恆。

of creation.

Today, my father is no longer locked in.

現在，父親已經脫離桎梏，

He moves his neck with ease,

可以自由地轉動脖子，

has had his feeding peg removed,

也不再需要餵食管，

breathes with his own lungs,

可以用自己的肺呼吸，

speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,

用自己平靜的嗓音慢慢地說話。

and works every day

每天努力復健，

to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.

讓癱瘓的身體增加更多的活動。

But the work will never be finished.

但是這工作永遠不會結束。

As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,

正如他所說：

「我活在破碎的世界，

and there is holy work to do."

還有神聖的工作要做。」

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（觀眾掌聲）