Kitra Cahana: My father, locked in his body but soaring free

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG

I know a man who soars above the city every night.

Znam čovjeka koji lebdi gradom svake noći.

In his dreams, he twirls and swirls

U snovima lebdi i okreće se

with his toes kissing the Earth.

dok mu stopala ljube Zemlju.

Everything has motion, he claims,

Sve je u pokretu, kaže on,

even a body as paralyzed as his own.

čak i paralizirano tijelo poput njegova.

This man is my father.

On je moj otac.

Three years ago, when I found out

Prije tri godine kada sam saznala

that my father had suffered a severe stroke

da mi je otac doživio snažan

in his brain stem,

moždani udar,

I walked into his room in the ICU

ušla sam u njegovu sobu na intenzivnoj njezi

at the Montreal Neurological Institute

na Neurološkom institutu u Montrealu

and found him lying deathly still,

i vidjela ga kako leži mirno kao mrtvac,

tethered to a breathing machine.

priključen na uređaj za disanje.

Paralysis had closed over his body slowly,

Paraliza mu je polako oduzimala tijelo,

beginning in his toes, then legs,

najprije nožne prste, zatim noge,

torso, fingers and arms.

prsa, prste i ruke.

It made its way up his neck,

Konačno se proširila i na vrat,

cutting off his ability to breathe,

onemogućavajući mu disanje

and stopped just beneath the eyes.

i zaustavila se točno ispod očiju.

He never lost consciousness.

Cijelo vrijeme nije izgubio svijest,

Rather, he watched from within

već je iznutra promatrao

as his body shut down,

kako mu se tijelo gasi,

limb by limb,

ud po ud,

muscle by muscle.

mišić po mišić.

In that ICU room, I walked up to my father's body,

U toj sobi za intenzivnu njegu, prišla sam očevu tijelu

and with a quivering voice and through tears,

i drhtećim glasom i kroz suze

I began reciting the alphabet.

počela sam recitirati abecedu.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

H, I, J, K.

H, I, J, K.

At K, he blinked his eyes.

Trepnuo je na K.

I began again.

Krenula sam ispočetka.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

A, B, C, D, E, F, G,

H, I.

H, I.

He blinked again at the letter I,

Tada ja trepnuo na slovo I,

then at T, then at R, and A:

zatim na T, pa R i na kraju na A:

Kitra.

Kitra.

He said "Kitra, my beauty, don't cry.

Rekao je: "Kitra, draga moja, nemoj plakati.

This is a blessing."

Ovo je blagoslov."

There was no audible voice, but my father

Nije se čuo glas, ali moj je otac

called out my name powerfully.

snažno zazvao moje ime.

Just 72 hours after his stroke,

Samo 72 sata nakon moždanog udara

he had already embraced

već je prihvatio

the totality of his condition.

svoje stanje u cijelosti.

Despite his extreme physical state,

Unatoč ekstremnom fizičkom stanju,

he was completely present with me,

bio je potpuno prisutan;

guiding, nurturing,

vodio me, njegovao

and being my father as much

i bio je moj otac onoliko,

if not more than ever before.

ako ne i više nego prije.

Locked-in syndrome

Sindrom zaključanosti

is many people's worst nightmare.

najgora je noćna mora mnogih ljudi.

In French, it's sometimes called

U francuskom to nekad nazivamo:

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."

"maladie de l'emmuré vivant."

Literally, "walled-in-alive disease."

Doslovno: "bolest živ-zazidan".

For many people, perhaps most,

Za mnoge ljude, možda i za većinu,

paralysis is an unspeakable horror,

paraliza je neopisiv užas,

but my father's experience

ali iskustvo moga oca

losing every system of his body

dok je gubio svaki sustav u svom tijelu

was not an experience of feeling trapped,

nije bilo iskustvo zazidavanja,

but rather of turning the psyche inwards,

već okretanje psihe prema unutra

dimming down the external chatter,

isključujući vanjsku buku,

facing the recesses of his own mind,

suočavanje s vrelom vlastita uma

and in that place,

i ondje se

falling in love with life and body anew.

iznova zaljubio u život i tijelo.

As a rabbi and spiritual man

Kao rabin i duhovan čovjek

dangling between mind and body, life and death,

koji visi između uma i tijela, života i smrti,

the paralysis opened up a new awareness for him.

paraliza mu je otvorila nove svijesti.

He realized he no longer needed to look

Shvatio je kako više ne treba gledati

beyond the corporeal world

povrh tjelesnog svijeta

in order to find the divine.

kako bi pronašao duhovni svijet.

"Paradise is in this body.

"Raj je u ovom tijelu.

It's in this world," he said.

U ovom je svijetu.", rekao je.

I slept by my father's side for the first four months,

Prva četiri mjeseca spavala sam uz oca,

tending as much as I could

brinula o njemu koliko god sam mogla

to his every discomfort,

i pokušavala umanjiti svaku njegovu neugodu,

understanding the deep human psychological fear

razumijevajući duboki ljudski psihološki strah

of not being able to call out for help.

nemogućnosti pozivanja upomoć.

My mother, sisters, brother and I,

Moja majka, sestre, brat i ja

we surrounded him in a cocoon of healing.

zamotali smo ga u čahuru izlječenja.

We became his mouthpiece,

Postali smo njegov vjesnik

spending hours each day reciting the alphabet

provodeći sate i sate recitirajući abecedu

as he whispered back sermons

dok nam je on šaptao propovjedi

and poetry with blinks of his eye.

i poeziju treptajima oka.

His room, it became our temple of healing.

Njegova soba postala je hram izlječenja.

His bedside became a site for those

Njegov bolesnički krevet postao je utočište

seeking advice and spiritual counsel, and through us,

onih u potrazi za savjetovanjem i duhovnim vodstvom, a kroz nas

my father was able to speak

moj je otac bio sposoban govoriti

and uplift,

i ohrabrivati,

letter by letter,

slovo po slovo,

blink by blink.

treptaj po treptaj.

Everything in our world became slow and tender

Sve je u našim svjetovima postalo usporeno i nježno

as the din, drama and death of the hospital ward

dok su galama, drama i smrt kojima je bolnički odjel bio ispunjen

faded into the background.

polako padali u drugi plan.

I want to read to you one of the first things

Želim vam pročitati neke od prvih stvari

that we transcribed in the week following the stroke.

koje smo transkribrirali tijekom tjedna poslije udara.

He composed a letter,

Sastavio je pismo

addressing his synagogue congregation,

koje je oslovio na svoju sinagogu,

and ended it with the following lines:

a pismo je završilo ovim riječima:

"When my nape exploded,

"Kada mi je zatiljak eksplodirao,

I entered another dimension:

zakoračio sam u drugu dimenziju:

inchoate, sub-planetary, protozoan.

u začetku, subplanetarnu, praživotinjsku.

Universes are opened and closed continually.

Svemiri se kontinuirano otvoriše i zatvoriše.

There are many when low,

Kada su nisko,

who stop growing.

mnogi prestaju rasti.

Last week, I was brought so low,

Prošlog tjedna bio sam tako nisko,

but I felt the hand of my father around me,

ali osjetio sam Očevu ruku oko sebe

and my father brought me back."

i On me vratio."

When we weren't his voice,

Kad nismo bili njegov glas,

we were his legs and arms.

bili smo njegove noge i ruke.

I moved them like I know I would have wanted

Micala sam ih kako bih i sama htjela

my own arms and legs to be moved

da miču moje ruke i noge

were they still for all the hours of the day.

da su bile nepokrenute toliko vremena.

I remember I'd hold his fingers near my face,

Sjećam se kako bih držala njegove ruke pored svoga lica,

bending each joint to keep it soft and limber.

savijajući svaki zglob da bi ostao mekan i gibak.

I'd ask him again and again

Neprestano sam ga tražila

to visualize the motion,

da zamisli taj pokret,

to watch from within as the finger curled

da iznutra promatra kako se prst svija

and extended, and to move along with it

i ispravlja i da to isto radi

in his mind.

u svom umu.

Then, one day, from the corner of my eye,

Zatim jednog dana kutkom oka

I saw his body slither like a snake,

vidjela sam kako mu tijelo klizi poput zmije,

an involuntary spasm passing through the course

nenamjeran grč što je prolazio

of his limbs.

svim njegovim udovima.

At first, I thought it was my own hallucination,

Isprva sam pomislila da haluciniram

having spent so much time tending to this one body,

nakon što sam toliko vremena provela uz to jedno tijelo,

so desperate to see anything react on its own.

očajnički se nadajući da će reagirati samo od sebe.

But he told me he felt tingles,

No rekao mi je da je osjetio trnce,

sparks of electricity flickering on and off

iskre struje koje su se palile i gasile

just beneath the surface of the skin.

ispod površine kože.

The following week, he began ever so slightly

Sljedećeg je tjedna počeo pokazivati

to show muscle resistance.

gotovo neprimjetnu mišićnu rezistenciju.

Connections were being made.

Stvarale su se veze.

Body was slowly and gently reawakening,

Tijelo se ponovno budilo sporo i nježno,

limb by limb, muscle by muscle,

ud po ud, mišić po mišić,

twitch by twitch.

trzaj po trzaj.

As a documentary photographer,

Budući da sam dokumentarni fotograf,

I felt the need to photograph

imala sam potrebu fotografirati

each of his first movements

svaki od njegovih prvih pokreta

like a mother with her newborn.

poput majke s novorođenim djetetom.

I photographed him taking his first unaided breath,

Fotografirala sam njegov prvi nepotpomognuti udisaj,

the celebratory moment after he showed

trenutak vrijedan slavlja kad je pokazao

muscle resistance for the very first time,

mišićnu rezistenciju po prvi put,

the new adapted technologies that allowed him

novorazvijene tehnologije koje su mu omogućile

to gain more and more independence.

da dobiva sve više neovisnosti.

I photographed the care and the love

Fotografirala sam njegu i ljubav

that surrounded him.

što ga je okruživala.

But my photographs only told the outside story

No moje fotografije pričaju samo vanjsku priču

of a man lying in a hospital bed

o čovjeku koji leži u bolničkom krevetu,

attached to a breathing machine.

pričvršćenom za uređaj za disanje.

I wasn't able to portray his story from within,

Nisam mogla prenijeti njegovu unutrašnju priču,

and so I began to search for a new visual language,

pa sam počela tražiti novi vizualni jezik,

one which strived to express the ephemeral quality

jezik kojemu je cilj bio izraziti prolaznost

of his spiritual experience.

njegovih duhovnih iskustava.

Finally, I want to share with you

Naposljetku, željela bih vam pokazati

a video from a series that I've been working on

jedan u nizu videa na kojima sam radila,

that tries to express the slow, in-between existence

a koji nastoji prikazati sporu podijeljenu egzistenciju

that my father has experienced.

što ju je iskusio moj otac.

As he began to regain his ability to breathe,

Kako mu se vraćala sposobnost disanja,

I started recording his thoughts,

tako sam ja počela snimati njegove misli,

and so the voice that you hear in this video

a glas koji čujete u ovom videu

is his voice.

njegov je glas.

(Video) Ronnie Cahana: You have to believe

(Video) Ronnie Cahana: Morate vjerovati

you're paralyzed

da ste paralizirani

to play the part

da biste mogli biti

of a quadriplegic.

tetraplegičar.

I don't.

Ja ne vjerujem.

In my mind,

U mom umu,

and in my dreams

u mojim snovima

every night

svake noći

I Chagall-man float

poput Chagalla

over the city

lebdim gradom,

twirl and swirl

lebdim i okrećem se

with my toes kissing the floor.

dok mi stopala ljube tlo.

I know nothing about the statement

Ne znam ništa

of man without motion.

o nepokretnom čovjeku.

Everything has motion.

Sve je u pokretu.

The heart pumps.

Srce kuca.

The body heaves.

Tijelo se giba.

The mouth moves.

Usne se kreću.

We never stagnate.

Nikad ne stagniramo.

Life triumphs up and down.

Život trijumfura gore-dolje."

Kitra Cahana: For most of us,

Kitra Cahana: Većini nas

our muscles begin to twitch and move

mišići se počinju trzati i micati

long before we are conscious,

puno prije no što dođemo svijesti,

but my father tells me his privilege

ali otac mi kaže kako je njegova privilegija

is living on the far periphery

život na krajnjoj periferiji

of the human experience.

ljudskog doživljavanja.

Like an astronaut who sees a perspective

Poput astronauta koji ima pogled

that very few of us will ever get to share,

koji će vrlo malo nas ikada vidjeti,

he wonders and watches as he takes

pita se i promatra

his first breaths

dok udiše prve udisaje

and dreams about crawling back home.

i sanja o tome kako puzi natrag kući.

So begins life at 57, he says.

Život počinje u 57. godini, kaže.

A toddler has no attitude in its being,

Malo dijete nema nikakvog stava u svome biću,

but a man insists on his world every day.

ali čovjek svakog dana inzistira na svome svijetu.

Few of us will ever have to face physical limitations

Rijetki će se od nas suočiti s fizičkim ograničenjima

to the degree that my father has,

s kakvima se suočava moj otac,

but we will all have moments of paralysis

ali svi ćemo doživjeti trenutke paralize

in our lives.

u našim životima.

I know I frequently confront walls

I sama često nailazim na prepreke

that feel completely unscalable,

koje se doimaju sasvim nepremostive,

but my father insists

ali moj otac tvrdi

that there are no dead ends.

kako nema bezizlaznih situacija.

Instead, he invites me into his space of co-healing

Poziva me u svoj prostor međusobnog izlječenja

to give the very best of myself, and for him

u kojem dajem najbolje od sebe,

to give the very best of himself to me.

a on meni daje najbolje od sebe.

Paralysis was an opening for him.

Paraliza mu je pružila nov početak.

It was an opportunity to emerge,

Bila je to prilika da oživi

to rekindle life force,

svoju životnu silu,

to sit still long enough with himself

da dovoljno dugo bude sam sa sobom

so as to fall in love with the full continuum

kako bi se zaljubio u kontinuum

of creation.

stvaranja.

Today, my father is no longer locked in.

Danas više nije "zaključan".

He moves his neck with ease,

S lakoćom miče vratom,

has had his feeding peg removed,

više se ne hrani na cjevčicu,

breathes with his own lungs,

diše vlastitim plućima,

speaks slowly with his own quiet voice,

govori sporo vlastitim tihim glasom

and works every day

i svakodnevno radi

to gain more movement in his paralyzed body.

na pokretanju svog paraliziranog tijela.

But the work will never be finished.

Ali taj posao nikad neće biti gotov.

As he says, "I'm living in a broken world,

Kao što sam kaže: "Živim u svijetu u ruševinama

and there is holy work to do."

i čeka me nebeski posao."

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Pljesak)

(Applause)