Jackson Katz: Violence against women—it's a men's issue

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

Translator: Ereblir Kadriu Reviewer: Iris Xholi

I'm going to share with you a paradigm-shifting perspective

Do te ndaj me ju

nje perspektive paradigm

ndaj ceshtjeve te dhunes gjinore--

on the issues of gender violence: sexual assault, domestic violence,

perdhunim seksual, dhune ne familje, abuzim familjar,

relationship abuse, sexual harassment, sexual abuse of children.

abuzim seksual, abuzim seksual i femijeve.

That whole range of issues

Kjo gamë e gjere e ceshtjeve qe to ti referohem une shkurtimisht

that I'll refer to in shorthand as "gender violence issues,"

si " ceshtje te dhunes gjinore,"

they've been seen as women's issues that some good men help out with,

ato jane pare si ceshtje te grave qe disa burra te mire

iu kane ndihmuar, por une kam nje problem me kete perkufizim

but I have a problem with that frame and I don't accept it.

dhe nuk e pranoj.

I don't see these as women's issues that some good men help out with.

Une nuk e shoh si ceshtje te grave qe po ndihmohet nga disa burra te mire.

In fact, I'm going to argue that these are men's issues,

Ne fakt, une do te argumentoj se keto jane ceshtje te burrave,

se pari dhe kryesisht.

first and foremost.

(Duartroktije)

Now obviously --

(Applause)

Obviously, they're also women's issues, so I appreciate that,

Padyshim, keto jane edhe probleme te grave,

keshtu qe e vleresoj ate, por te quajme

but calling gender violence a women's issue is part of the problem,

dhunen gjinore nje ceshtje grash, eshte pjese e problemit

per shume arsye.

for a number of reasons.

The first is that it gives men an excuse not to pay attention, right?

Se pari i jep burrave nje justifikim per te mos i kushtuar vemendje gjerave.

Apo jo? Shume burra degjojne termin "ceshtje grash"

A lot of men hear the term "women's issues"

dhe ne tentojme te mos i veme veshin, dhe mendojme,

and we tend to tune it out, and we think,

"Hej, une jam djale. Kjo eshte per vajza," ose " Kjo eshte per gra."

"I'm a guy; that's for the girls," or "that's for the women."

Dhe shume burra ne te vertete nuk shkojne pertej fjalise se pare

And a lot of men literally don't get beyond the first sentence as a result.

si rezultat.

Eshte pothuajse sikur aktivizohet nje cip ne trurin tone,

It's almost like a chip in our brain is activated,

dhe e spostojne vemendjen tone ne drejtime te ndryshme

and the neural pathways take our attention in a different direction

kur degjojme termin" ceshtje grash."

when we hear the term "women's issues."

Kjo gjithashtu eshte e vertet, meqe ra fjala, per fjalen " gjini,"

This is also true, by the way, of the word "gender,"

sepse shume njerez e degjojne fjalen "gjini"

because a lot of people hear the word "gender"

dhe ata mendojne qe do te thote " grua."

and they think it means "women."

Pra, ata mendojne se çeshtjet e gjinise jane sininonim i çeshtjeve te grave.

So they think that gender issues is synonymous with women's issues.

Eshte nje farë konfuzioni rreth termit gjini.

There's some confusion about the term gender.

Dhe faktikisht, me lejoni te ilustroj ate konfuzion ne menyre analogjike.

And let me illustrate that confusion by way of analogy.

Keshtu, le te flasin pak per racen.

So let's talk for a moment about race.

Ne Shtetet e Bashkuara, kur degjojme fjalen "racë,"

In the US, when we hear the word "race,"

shume njerez mendojne se kjo do te thote afrikan-amerikan,

a lot of people think that means African-American,

latin, aziatik-amerikan, nativ amerikan,

Latino, Asian-American, Native American,

irlandez, etj, etj.

South Asian, Pacific Islander, on and on.

A lot of people, when they hear the word "sexual orientation"

Shume njerez, kur degjojne fjalen "orientim seksual"

mendojne se do te thote, gej, lezbike, biseksual.

think it means gay, lesbian, bisexual.

And a lot of people, when they hear the word "gender,"

Dhe shume njerez kur degjojne fjalen " gjini,"

mendojne se do te thote grua. Ne secilin rast,

think it means women.

In each case, the dominant group doesn't get paid attention to.

grupit dominues nuk i kushtohet vemendje.

Apo jo? Sikur njerezit e bardhe qe nuk kane ndonje identitet racor

As if white people don't have some sort of racial identity

ose qe nuk perkasin ndonje kategorie racore,

or belong to some racial category or construct,

as if heterosexual people don't have a sexual orientation,

sikur heteroseksualet nuk kane orientim seksual

as if men don't have a gender.

sikur burrat nuk kane gjini.

This is one of the ways that dominant systems maintain and reproduce themselves,

Kjo eshte njera nga menyrat qe ruhet sistemi dominues

dhe riprodhon veten, qe do te thote

which is to say the dominant group is rarely challenged

se grupi dominues rralle sfidohet qe te mendoje per dominim,

to even think about its dominance,

sepse kjo eshte njera nder karakteristikat kryesore

because that's one of the key characteristics of power and privilege,

te fuqise dhe privilegjit, mundesia per t'u mos kontrolluar,

the ability to go unexamined,

lacking introspection, in fact being rendered invisible, in large measure,

mungesa e analizes se vetvetes, ne fakt behemi te padukshem

ne masen me te madhe te diskutimit

rreth ceshtjeve qe kryesisht jane per ne.

in the discourse about issues that are primarily about us.

Dhe eshte nje mrekulli se si funksionon,

And this is amazing how this works in domestic and sexual violence,

ne dhunen familjare dhe seksuale,

sa meshkuj jane fshire nga debati per nje teme

how men have been largely erased from so much of the conversation

e cila kryesisht eshte rreth meshkujve.

Dhe une do te ilustroj per cka jam duke folur

about a subject that is centrally about men.

duke perdorur teknologjine e vjeter.

And I'm going to illustrate what I'm talking about

Une jam i shkolles se vjeter ne disa aspekte thelbsore.

by using the old tech.

Une punoj,-- Bej filma-- dhe punoj me teknologji te larte,

I'm old school on some fundamental regards.

por si mesimdhenes akoma jam i shkolles se vjeter,

I make films and I work with high tech,

dhe dua te ndaj me ju kete ushtrim

but I'm still old school as an educator,

qe ilustron nivelin e struktures se fjalive

se si menyra se si mendojme,

and I want to share with you this exercise

that illustrates on the sentence-structure level

faktikisht menyra se si ne perdorim gjuhen,

how the way that we think, literally the way that we use language,

na komploton ta mbajme vemendjen larg meshkujve.

Kjo ka te beje me dhunen ne familje ne vecanti,

por mund ta vini ne funksion te analogjive te tjera.

conspires to keep our attention off of men.

This is about domestic violence in particular,

Kjo duket ne punen e gjuhetares feministe Julia Penelope.

but you can plug in other analogues.

Fillon me nje fjali shume bazike ne gjuhen angleze:

This comes from the work of the feminist linguist Julia Penelope.

"Xhoni ka rrahur Merin."

It starts with a very basic English sentence:

Kjo fjali eshte ne rregull me gjuhen angleze.

Xhoni eshte kryefjala. Ka rrahur eshte folja.

"John beat Mary."

Meri eshte kundrinori. Fjalia eshte ne rregull.

That's a good English sentence.

Tani do te vazhdojme tek fjalia e dyte,

John is the subject, beat is the verb, Mary is the object, good sentence.

e cila e thote te njejten gje ne menyren pesore.

Now we're going to move to the second sentence,

"Meri eshte rrahur nga Xhoni."

which says the same thing in the passive voice.

Dhe tani shume gjera ndodhin ne nje fjali.

"Mary was beaten by John."

Ne kemi levizur nga "Xhoni ka rrahur Merin"

And now a whole lot has happened in one sentence.

te " Meri eshte rrahur nga Xhoni."

We've gone from "John beat Mary"

Ne kemi nderruar fokusin tone ne nje fjali nga Xhoni te Meri,

to "Mary was beaten by John."

dhe mund te shihni John eshte shume afer fundit te fjalise.

We've shifted our focus in one sentence from John to Mary,

Fjalia e trete, Xhoni eshte hequr,

and you can see John is very close to the end of the sentence,

dhe ne kemi, " Meri eshte rrahur,"

well, close to dropping off the map of our psychic plain.

dhe tani gjithshka sillet rreth Merit.

The third sentence, John is dropped,

Ne as qe jemi duke menduar per Xhonin. Totalisht jemi fokusuar tek Meri.

and we have, "Mary was beaten,"

Ne gjeneratat e hershme, termi qe kemi perdorur

and now it's all about Mary.

sinonim me "rrahur" eshte "qelluar."

We're not even thinking about John, it's totally focused on Mary.

pra ne kemi "Meri ishte qelluar."

Over the past generation,

Dhe fjalia e fundit ne kete sekuence,

the term we've used synonymous with "beaten" is "battered,"

qe rezulton nga te tjerat, eshte,

"Meri eshte nje grua e qelluar."

so we have "Mary was battered."

And the final sentence in this sequence, flowing from the others, is,

Pra identiteti i Merit-- Meri eshte nje grua e qelluar--

eshte ai qe i eshte dhene nga Xhoni ne rradhe te pare.

"Mary is a battered woman."

Por ne kemi demostruar qe debati rreth Xhonit eshte shuar kohe me pare.

So now Mary's very identity -- Mary is a battered woman --

Per ne qe punojme ne fushen e dhunes familjare dhe seksuale

e dine se fajesimi i viktimes eshte i perhapur ne kete fushe,

is what was done to her by John in the first instance.

qe do te thote, te fajesosh personin te cilit i eshte bere demi

But we've demonstrated that John has long ago left the conversation.

me shume sesa personi qe e ka bere ate..

Those of us who work in the domestic and sexual violence field

Dhe ne themi gjera si, pse keto femra dalin me keta meshkuj?

know that victim-blaming is pervasive in this realm,

which is to say, blaming the person to whom something was done

Pse terhiqen nga keta meshkuj?

rather than the person who did it.

Pse kthehen te ata? Cka kishte veshur ne mbremje?

Cfare budallalleku? Pse po pinte me ate grup djemsh ne ate dhome hoteli?

And we say: why do they go out with these men?

Ky eshte fajesimi i viktimes, dhe ka arsye te shumta per kete,

Why are they attracted to them? Why do they keep going back?

por njera nga keto eshte se e tere sturktura e jone njohese

What was she wearing at that party? What a stupid thing to do.

eshte e krijuar ne ate menyre qe te fajesohet viktima. E gjitha kjo eshte pa vetedije.

E gjithe struktura e jone kognitive eshte e krijuar per te bere pyetje

Why was she drinking with those guys in that hotel room?

rreth grave dhe zgjedhjeve te grave dhe cka ato bejne,

This is victim blaming, and there are many reasons for it,

mendojne, dhe veshin.

but one is that our cognitive structure is set up to blame victims.

Dhe une nuk do ti ndaloj njerezit te cilet bejne pyetje

This is all unconscious.

per grate, apo jo? Kane arsyet e tyre.

Our whole cognitive structure is set up to ask questions

Por te jemi te qjarte: Te pyesh pyetje per Merin

about women and women's choices and what they're doing, thinking, wearing.

nuk do te na dergoje askund ne ndalimin e dhunes.

Ne duhet te bejme nje lloj te ndryshem pyetjesh.

And I'm not going to shout down people who ask questions about women.

E dini se ku deshiroj te dal me kete, a po jo?

It's a legitimate thing to ask.

Pyetjet nuk jane per Merin. Ato jane per Xhonin.

But's let's be clear: Asking questions about Mary

Pyetjet perfshijne gjera si, pse Xhoni rrahu Merin?

is not going to get us anywhere in terms of preventing violence.

Pse dhuna ne familje eshte akoma nje problem i madh

We have to ask a different set of questions.

ne Shtetet e Bashkuara dhe rreth e rrotull botes?

The questions are not about Mary, they're about John.

Cka eshte duke ndodhur? Pse kaq shume burra abuzojne

They include things like, why does John beat Mary?

ne menyre fizike, emonocionale, verbale, dhe ne menyra tjera,

Why is domestic violence still a big problem in the US and all over the world?

grate dhe vajzat, dhe burrat dhe djemte,

qe ata pretendojne se i dashurojne> Cka eshte duke ndodhur me burrat?

What's going on? Why do so many men abuse physically,

Pse shume burra te moshuar abuzojne seksualisht me vajzat e vogla dhe djemte e vegjel?

Pse eshte ky nje problem i zakonshem ne shoqerine tone

emotionally, verbally, and other ways,

the women and girls, and the men and boys, that they claim to love?

dhe kudo ne bote?

Pse degjojme perseri te njejten gje

What's going on with men?

Why do so many adult men sexually abuse little girls and boys?

per skandale te reja ne institucione te medha

Why is that a common problem in our society

si Kisha Katolike ose programi i futbollit i Penn State

ose Boys Scouts of America, etj, etj?

and all over the world today?

Dhe pastaj komunitetet lokale ne te gjithe vendin

Why do we hear over and over again

about new scandals erupting in major institutions

dhe ne te gjithe boten, apo jo? Ne degjojme per te gjate gjithe kohes.

like the Catholic Church or the Penn State football program

Abuzimi seksual i femijve.

Cka eshte duke ndodhur me burrat? Pse kaq shume meshkuj dhunojne femrat

or the Boy Scouts of America, on and on and on?

And then local communities all over the country

ne shoqerine tone dhe rreth botes?

Pse meshkujt dhunojne meshkujt?

and all over the world.

We hear about it all the time.

The sexual abuse of children.

Cka eshte duke ndodhur me meshkuj?

What's going on with men? Why do so many men rape women

Cili eshte roli i institucioneve te ndryshme

in our society and around the world?

ne shoqerine tone qe po ndihmojne te prodhojne burra abuzive

Why do so many men rape other men?

ne shkalle pandemike.

What is going on with men?

Kjo eshte nje menyre naive e te kuptuarit se cili eshte

And then what is the role of the various institutions in our society

problemi me i thelle dhe sistematik shoqeror.

E dini se, autoret e krimit nuk jane ata

that are helping to produce abusive men at pandemic rates?

monstra qe zvarriten neper lluce

Because this isn't about individual perpetrators.

dhe vine ne qytet te bejne punet te pista

That's a naive way to understanding what is a much deeper

dhe pastaj terhiqen ne erresire.

and more systematic social problem.

Ky eshte nje nocion naiv, a po jo?

Autoret e krimit jane shume me shume normal se kjo,

The perpetrators aren't these monsters who crawl out of the swamp

cdo dite e me shume.

Pra pyetja eshte, cka jemi duke bere ketu

and come into town and do their nasty business

and then retreat into the darkness.

ne shoqerine tone dhe ne bote?

That's a very naive notion, right?

Cilat jane rolet e institucioneve te ndryshme

Perpetrators are much more normal than that, and everyday than that.

qe ndihmojne ne prodhimin e burrave abuzivë?

Cili eshte roli i sistemit fetar,

So the question is, what are we doing here in our society and in the world?

sportit, pornografise,

struktures familjare, ekonomise, si kryqezohen ato?

What are the roles of various institutions

dhe raca dhe etniciteti si kryqezohen?

in helping to produce abusive men?

Si funksionon e tera kjo?

Dhe keshtu, njehere kur fillojme te bejme keto lidhje

What's the role of religious belief systems,

the sports culture, the pornography culture,

dhe te pyesim keto pyetje te rendesishme dhe te medha,

the family structure, economics, and how that intersects,

pastaj mund te flasin se si mund te jemi transformues,

me fjale tjera, si mund te bejme dicka me ndryshme?

and race and ethnicity and how that intersects?

Si mund te ndryshojme praktikat?

How does all this work?

And then, once we start making those kinds of connections

Si mund te ndryshojme socializimin e djemve

and asking those important and big questions,

dhe definicionet e burrerise qe na kane sjelle deri te keto rezultate?

then we can talk about how we can be transformative,

Keto jane llojet e pyetjeve qe na duhet

in other words, how can we do something differently?

ti bejme dhe lloji i punes qe ne duhet te bejme,

po nese jemi te fokusuar se cka jane duke bere grate

How can we change the practices?

How can we change the socialization of boys

dhe te mendojme per marredheniet apo dicka tjeter,

and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes?

ne nuk do te arrijme dot deri aty.

These are the kind of questions that we need to be asking

Pra, une kuptoj se shume gra

te cilat jane perpjekur te flasin per keto ceshtje

and the kind of work that we need to be doing,

sot dhe dje dhe me vite e vite,

but if we're endlessly focused on what women are doing and thinking

shume shpesh jane sharë per perpjekjet e tyre.

in relationships or elsewhere,

we're not going to get to that piece.

Ato etiketohen me emra te ndyre si "male-basher"

ose "urryese-meshkujsh",

I understand that a lot of women

who have been trying to speak out about these issues,

dhe "feminazi". Apo jo?

Dhe ju e dini se per cka behet fjale?

today and yesterday and for years and years,

often get shouted down for their efforts.

Quhet vrite lajmetarin.

They get called nasty names like "male-basher" and "man-hater,"

Kjo ndodh sepse grate te cilat flasin per veten e tyre

dhe per gra tjera po ashtu edhe per burra dhe djem

eshte nje deklarate per ta te ulen dhe te mbyllin gojen, te mbajne sistemin aktual ne vend,

and the disgusting and offensive "feminazi", right?

sepse neve nuk na pelqen kur njerezit trazojne.

And you know what all this is about?

It's called kill the messenger.

Ne nuk pelqejme kur njerezit sfidojne fuqite tona.

Ju me mire te uleni dhe te mbyllni gojen.

It's because the women who are standing up

Dhe falenderoju zotit qe ajo grua nuk e ka bere ate gje.

and speaking out for themselves and for other women

Falendero zotin qe ne jetojme ne nje bote

as well as for men and boys,

it's a statement to them to sit down and shut up,

ku ka shume lidership te grave qe mund te kunderveproje.

keep the current system in place,

Por njeri nga rolet e fuqishme qe burrat mund te luajne ne kete ceshtje

because we don't like it when people rock the boat.

eshte se ne mund te themi disa gjera

We don't like it when people challenge our power.

qe nganjehere grate nuk mund ti thone,

You'd better sit down and shut up, basically.

ose, me mire keshtu, ne mund te degjohemi duke thene disa gjera

And thank goodness that women haven't done that.

qe shpesh here grate nuk mund te degjohen.

Thank goodness that we live in a world

Keshtu, une e çmoj qe ky eshte nje problem. Eshte seksizem.

where there's so much women's leadership that can counteract that.

Por eshte e vertete. Dhe keshtu nje gje qe ua the meshkujve,

But one of the powerful roles that men can play in this work

dhe kolegeve te mi dhe cdo here e them kete,

is that we can say some things that sometimes women can't say,

se neve na duhen me shume meshkuj te çohen e te thone ca gjera,

dhe te çohen per femrat dhe jo kunder tyre

or, better yet, we can be heard saying some things

dhe duke pretenduar se kjo eshte disi

that women often can't be heard saying.

nje lufte ndermjet seksualitetit dhe gjerave tjera te pa kuptimta.

Now, I appreciate that that's a problem, it's sexism, but it's the truth.

Ne jetojme bashke ne nje bote .

So one of the things that I say to men,

Dhe me qe ra fjala, nje gje qe me te vertete me shqetson

and my colleagues and I always say this,

rreth disa retorikave kunder feministeve dhe te tjereve

is we need more men who have the courage and the strength

qe kane krijuar levizjet e grave te dhunuara

to start standing up and saying some of this stuff,

dhe krizes se perdhunimit rreth e rrotull botes

and standing with women and not against them

eshte se disi, sic e thash, se ata jane anti-meshkuj.

and pretending that somehow this is a battle between the sexes

Po ne lidhje me djemte te cilet thellesisht jane te prekur

ne menyre negative nga ndonje mashkull i moshuar

and other kinds of nonsense.

We live in the world together.

qe ushtron dhune ndaj motres se tij, vetes se tij, nenes ?

And by the way, one of the things that really bothers me

Po ne lidhje me gjithe keta djem?

about some of the rhetoric against feminists and others

Po ne lidhje me burrat dhe djemte e rinj

te cilet jane traumatizuar nga dhuna e burrave te moshuar?

who have built the battered women's and rape crisis movements around the world

I njejti sitem i cili prodhon burra qe abuzojne gra gjithashtu prodhon burra qe abuzojne burra te tjere.

is that somehow, like I said, that they're anti-male.

Dhe nese duam te flasim per viktimat meshkuj,

What about all the boys who are profoundly affected in a negative way

le te flasim per viktimat meshkuj

Shumica e viktimave meshkuj te dhunes jane viktima te dhunes se meshkujve tjere.

by what some adult man is doing against their mother, themselves, their sisters?

Pra, kjo eshte nje gje te cilet te dy meshkujt dhe femrat e kane te perbashket.

What about all those boys?

What about all the young men and boys

Ne jemi qe te dy viktima te dhunes se meshkujve

who have been traumatized by adult men's violence?

Pra ne kemi interest te perbashket,

per te mos permendur faktin qe shumica e meshkujve qe une i njoh

You know what?

The same system that produces men who abuse women,

kane gra dhe vajza qe kujdesen fort,

produces men who abuse other men.

ne familjet tona dhe rrethin shoqeror dhe ne menyra tjera.

And if we want to talk about male victims, let's talk about male victims.

Keshtu, ka shume arsye pse na duhen meshkuj te ngrijne zerin

Duket qarte duke e thene me ze te larte. Apo jo?

Most male victims of violence are the victims of other men's violence.

Tani, natyra e punes qe bej une dhe koleget e mi

So that's something that both women and men have in common.

bejne ne sportet dhe ushtrine e Shteteve te Bashkuara, ne shkolla,

We are both victims of men's violence.

ne e kemi filluar kete qasje e quajtur qasja kalimtare

So we have it in our direct self-interest,

per parandalimin e dhunes gjinore.

not to mention the fact that most men that I know

Une dua t'ju jap pasqyrimin e qasjes kalimtare,

have women and girls that we care deeply about,

sepse ky eshte nje ndryshim i madh tematik,

in our families and our friendship circles and every other way.

So there's so many reasons why we need men to speak out.

edhe pse ka shume vecanti,

It seems obvious saying it out loud, doesn't it?

por pjesa kryesore e saj eshte, ne vend se te shihen burrat si autor krimi

Now, the nature of the work that I do and my colleagues do

dhe grate si viktima,

in the sports culture and the US military, in schools,

ose grate si autore krimi, burrat si viktima,

we pioneered this approach called the bystander approach

ose kombinime te tilla.

to gender-violence prevention.

Jam duke perdorur bazen gjinore. E di qe ka me shume

And I just want to give you the highlights of the bystander approach,

se burra dhe gra, ka me shume se meshkuj dhe femra.

Dhe ka gra te cilat jane autore krimi,

because it's a big thematic shift,

although there's lots of particulars,

dhe sigurisht qe ka meshkuj te cilet jane viktima.

but the heart of it is, instead of seeing men as perpetrators

Eshte nje spekter i tere.

and women as victims,

Por ne vend se ta shohim ate ne menyre binare,

or women as perpetrators, men as victims,

ne fokusohemi tek te gjithe ne në ate qe ne quajme kalimtare,

or any combination in there.

dhe nje kalimtar definohet si cdokush i cili nuk eshte

I'm using the gender binary.

nje autor krimi ose viktime ne situata te caktuara,

I know there's more than men and women, there's more than male and female.

pra, me fjale tjera, shoket, shoket e grupi, koleget,

pjestaret e familjes, ata

And there are women who are perpetrators,

te cilet nuk jane te pershire drejtperdrejt ne dyshen e abuzimit,

and of course there are men who are victims.

por jemi te ngulitur ne marredhenie, shoqerore, familjare, shkollore,

There's a whole spectrum.

dhe te tjera marredhenie kulturore me njerez

But instead of seeing it in the binary fashion,

te cilet mund te jene ne ate situate. Cfarë bejme ne?

we focus on all of us as what we call bystanders,

Si i mbeshtesim shoket tanë? Por si te mos mbesim

and a bystander is defined as anybody who is not a perpetrator or a victim

te heshtur ne prani te abuzimit?

in a given situation,

so in other words friends, teammates, colleagues, coworkers, family members,

Keshtu, kur vjen puna te burrat dhe kultura mashkullore,

qellimi eshte te marrim burra te cilet nuk jane abuziv

those of us who are not directly involved in a dyad of abuse,

te sfidojne ata te cilet jane.

but we are embedded in social, family, work, school,

Dhe kur them abuziv, nuk dua te them vetem

burrat te cilet rrahin gra.

and other peer culture relationships

with people who might be in that situation.

Ne nuk po themi nje burre shoku i te cilit

What do we do? How do we speak up? How do we challenge our friends?

eshte duke abuzuar me te dashuren e vet duhet te ndal djalin

ne momentin e sulmit.

How do we support our friends?

But how do we not remain silent in the face of abuse?

Kjo eshte nje menyre naive per te krjiuar ndryshim shoqeror.

Now, when it comes to men and male culture,

Eshte nje vazhdimesi e gjate, ku ne jemi perpjekur qe ti bejme burrat

te pengojne njeri tjetrin.

the goal is to get men who are not abusive to challenge men who are.

Keshtu, per shembull, nese jeni nje djale dhe jeni ne nje grup te djemve

And when I say abusive, I don't mean just men who are beating women.

duke luajtur poker, duke folur, pa femra per rreth

dhe nje djale tjeter thote dicka seksiste ose degradon

We're not just saying a man whose friend is abusing his girlfriend

ose ngacmohet per nje femer,

ne vend se te qeshni me te ose te pretendoni qe nuk e degjuat,

needs to stop the guy at the moment of attack.

ne na duhen meshkuj qe thone, " Hej, kjo nuk eshte qesharake.

That's a naive way of creating a social change.

Shiko, ajo mund te jete motra ime,

It's along a continuum, we're trying to get men to interrupt each other.

dhe a mund te besh shaka per dicka tjeter?

Ose a mund te flasim per dicka tjeter?

So, for example, if you're a guy and you're in a group of guys

Une nuk e vlersoj kete lloj te te folurit."

playing poker, talking, hanging out, no women present,

Po sikur te jeni nje person i bardhe dhe nje tjeter person i bardhe

and another guy says something sexist or degrading or harassing about women,

bene nje koment racist, duhet te shpresosh, une shpresoj,

qe njerezit e bardhe do ta nderpresin ate sjellje raciste

nga nje person i bardhe.

instead of laughing along or pretending you didn't hear it,

we need men to say, "Hey, that's not funny.

Ashtu sikur te heteroseksizmi, nese jeni nje heteroseksual

dhe ju nuk angazhoheni kunder sjelljeve ngacmuese dhe abuzive

that could be my sister you're talking about,

drejt njerezve me orientim te ndryshem seksual,

and could you joke about something else?

nese nuk u thoni ne fytyre heterseksulave te tjere,

Or could you talk about something else?

atehere, me nje fjale, heshtja juaj nuk eshte

I don't appreciate that kind of talk."

nje forme e pelqimit dhe pjesemarjes?

Just like if you're a white person

and another white person makes a racist comment, you'd hope, I hope,

Keshtu, qasja kalimtare perpiqet tu jape njerezve mjete

per te nderprere ate proces dhe te flasin

that white people would interrupt that racist enactment

by a fellow white person.

dhe te krijojne nje kulture te barabarte

Just like with heterosexism, if you're a heterosexual person

ku sjellja abuzive do te shihet si e papranushme

jo sepse eshte ilegale, por sepse eshte e gabuar

and you yourself don't enact harassing or abusive behaviors

towards people of varying sexual orientations,

dhe e papranushme ne kulturen e barabarte.

if you don't say something in the face of other heterosexual people doing that,

Nese ne mund te kemi nje vend ku burrat

te cilet veprojne ne menyre seksiste do humbin statusin,

then, in a sense, isn't your silence a form of consent and complicity?

burrat e rinj dhe djemte te cilet veprojne ne menyre seksiste

Well, the bystander approach is trying to give people tools

dhe ngacmuese kundrejt vajzave dhe grave,

po ashtu edhe kundrejt djemve dhe burrave tjere,

to interrupt that process and to speak up and to create a peer culture climate

do te humbasin statusin si rezultat i saj, e dini cfare?

where the abusive behavior will be seen as unacceptable,

Do te shohim nje zvoglim radikal te abuzimit

Sepse autori tipik i krimit nuk eshte i semure dhe i lajthitur.

not just because it's illegal, but because it's wrong

and unacceptable in the peer culture.

Ai eshte nje njeri normal. Apo jo?

And if we can get to the place where men

Keshtu, ndermjet shume gjerave te mrekullushme qe Martin Luther King

who act out in sexist ways will lose status,

tha ne jeten e tij te shkurter,

young men and boys who act out in sexist

" Ne fund, cka do te dhemb me se shumti

and harassing ways towards girls and women,

nuk jane fjalet e armikut

as well as towards other boys and men,

por heshtja e shokeve tane."

will lose status as a result of it, guess what?

Ne fund, cka do te dhemb me se shumti nuk jane fjalet e

We'll see a radical diminution of the abuse.

armiqve por heshtja e shokeve tane.

Because the typical perpetrator is not sick and twisted.

Ka qene nje heshtje e madhe ne kulturen mashkullore

rreth kesaj tragjedie te vazhdueshme te dhunes se burrave

He's a normal guy in every other way, isn't he?

Now, among the many great things that Martin Luther King

ndaj grave dhe femijeve, apo jo?

said in his short life was,

Dhe krejt cka une po them eshte se ne duhet ta thyejme qetesine,

"In the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies

dhe na duhen me shume burra ta bejne ate.

Atehere, eshte me lehte te thuhet sesa te behet,

but the silence of our friends."

nga qe une jam duke e thene kete tani, por po ju them se nuk eshte e lehte

ne kulturen mashkullore qe djemte te sfidojne njeri tjetrin,

In the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies

qe eshte njera nga arsyet pse

but the silence of our friends.

There's been an awful lot of silence in male culture

nje pjese e ndryshimit te paradigmes qe duhet te ndodhe

nuk eshte qe te kuptohen keto ceshtje si ceshtje te djemve,

about this ongoing tragedy of men's violence

against women and children, hasn't there?

por keto gjithashtu jane ceshtje lidershipi per burrat.

There's been an awful lot of silence.

Ne fund te fundit, pergjegjesia per te marre pozicion

ne keto ceshtje nuk duhet te bije ne krahet e

And all I'm saying is that we need to break that silence,

and we need more men to do that.

djemve te vegjel ose adoleshenteve ne shkolla te mesme

Now, it's easier said than done,

ose atyre ne kolegj. Duhet te jete nje njeri i rritur me pushtet.

because I'm saying it now,

Njerez te rritur me pushtet jane te duhurit qe na duhet ne

but I'm telling you it's not easy in male culture

per te qene lider ne keto ceshtje,

for guys to challenge each other,

which is one of the reasons

sepse kur dikush flet ne kulture te barabarte

dhe sfidon, ai ose ajo

why part of the paradigm shift that has to happen

eshte nje lider, a po jo?

is not just understanding these issues as men's issues,

Ne na duhen me shume burra me pushtet

but they're also leadership issues for men.

per te filluar ti vendosin ne prioritet keto ceshtje,

Because ultimately, the responsibility for taking a stand on these issues

dhe nuk e kemi pare kete gje akoma, apo jo?

should not fall on the shoulders of little boys

Keshtu, isha ne nje darke vite me pare,

or teenage boys in high school or college men.

dhe une punoj gjeresisht me ushtrine e Shteteve te Bashkuara, te gjitha sherbimet.

It should be on adult men with power.

Adult men with power are the ones we need to be holding accountable

Isha ne kete darke dhe nje grua me thote--,

for being leaders on these issues,

Une mendoj se iu duka si tip i zgjuar-- dhe me tha,

" Pra, sa kohe keni qe beni trajnime rreth sensibilitetit

because when somebody speaks up in a peer culture

and challenges and interrupts,

me marinsat?"

he or she is being a leader, really.

Dhe une thash, " Me gjithe respektin,

But on a big scale, we need more adult men with power

une nuk merrem me trajnime sensibiliteti te marinsave.

to start prioritizing these issues,

Une kam nje program lidershipi ne Trupat e Marines."

and we haven't seen that yet, have we?

E di qe eshte bombastike pergjigja ime,

por eshte nje ndryshim i rendesishem, sepse une nuk besoj

Now, I was at a dinner a number of years ago,

and I work extensively with the US military, all the services.

qe neve na duhet nje trajnim sensitiv.

Ne kemi nevoje per trajnim lidershipi, sepse, per shembull,

And I was at this dinner and this woman said to me --

kur nje trajner profesionist ose nje menaxher i ndonje klubi bejsbolli

I think she thought she was a little clever --

she said, "So how long have you been doing sensitivity training with the Marines?"

ose futbolli-- bene nje koment seksist,

ben nje deklarate homofobike,

And I said, "With all due respect,

ben ndonje koment racor, do te kete diskutime

I don't do sensitivity training with the Marines.

ne blogjet sportive dhe ne emisionet sportive ne radio.

Dhe disa njerez do te thone, " Mire, ai ka nevoje per trajnim sensitiviteti."

I run a leadership program in the Marine Corps."

Now, I know it's a bit pompous, my response,

Dhe njerez te tjere do te thone, " Do ti heqim qafe.

but it's an important distinction,

Argumenti im eshte, ai nuk ka nevoje per trajnim senstiviteti.

because I don't believe that what we need is sensitivity training.

Ai ka nevoje per trajnim lidershipi,

We need leadership training, because, for example,

sepse ai eshte nje lider i keq, sepse ne shpqeri

me diversitet gjinor dhe diversitet seksual--

when a professional coach or a manager of a baseball team or a football team --

(Duartrokitje)-

and I work extensively in that realm as well --

dhe diversiteti racor dhe diversiteti etnik,

makes a sexist comment, makes a homophobic statement,

makes a racist comment,

ju beni keto lloj kometesh, ju deshtoni ne lidershipin tuaj.

there will be discussions on the sports blogs and in sports talk radio.

Neqofte se ne mund te bejme kete ceshtje

And some people will say, "He needs sensitivity training."

per burra dhe gra te fuqishme ne kete shoqeri

ne te gjitha nivelet e autoritetit dhe fuqise institucionale,

Other people will say, "Well, get off it.

do ta ndryshoje, do ta ndryshoje

That's political correctness run amok,

paradigmen e te menduarit tek njerezit.

he made a stupid statement, move on."

Per shembull, une punoj shume

My argument is, he doesn't need sensitivity training.

ne programet sportive ne universitetin e Amerikes se Veriut.

He needs leadership training,

Ne dime mire se si te ndalojme dhunen seksuale dhe ate ne familje, apo jo?

because he's being a bad leader,

because in a society with gender diversity and sexual diversity --

Nuk ka arsyetim per nje kolegj ose universitet

(Applause)

per te mos pasur trajnim per ndalimin e dhunes seksuale dhe dhunes ne familje

e mandatuar per te gjithe studentet, trajneret, adminstratoret,

and racial and ethnic diversity,

you make those kind of comments, you're failing at your leadership.

si pjese e procesit te tyre te edukimit.

Ne dime se ne shume lehte mund ta bejme ate.

If we can make this point that I'm making

Por a e dini cfare mungon? Lidershipi.

to powerful men and women in our society

at all levels of institutional authority and power,

Por, nuk eshte lidershipi i atleteve studente.

it's going to change the paradigm of people's thinking.

Por eshte lidership i drejtorit,

presidenti i universitetit, njerezit pergjegjes

You know, for example,

qe marrin vendim rreth burimeve

I work a lot in college and university athletics

dhe kush merr vendime per prioritetet ne kuader te institucionit.

throughout North America.

Ky eshte nje deshtim, ne shumicen e rasteve te lidershipit te burrave.

We know so much about how to prevent domestic and sexual violence, right?

Shikoni Penn State. Penn State eshte nje nene

per te gjithe momentet mesimore ne qasjen kalimatre.

There's no excuse for a college or university

to not have domestic and sexual violence prevention training

Ju kishit shume situata ne ate fushe

mandated for all student athletes, coaches, administrators,

ku burrat ne pozita me pushtet deshtojne ne

as part of their educational process.

mbrojtjen e femijeve, ne kete rast, djemte.

Eshte me te vertete, e pabesushme. Por kur merresh me ta,

We know enough to know that we can easily do that.

But you know what's missing? The leadership.

ju kuptoni ka presione tek burrat.

But it's not the leadership of student athletes.

Ka disa kufizime brenda kulturave te barabarta tek burrat,

kjo eshte aryeja pse duhet te inkurajojme burrat

It's the leadership of the athletic director,

ti kalojne keto presione.

the president of the university, the people in charge

Dhe nje nga menyrat per te bere ate eshte te themi

who make decisions about resources

ka shume burra qe interesohen per keto ceshtje.

and who make decisions about priorities in the institutional settings.

E di kete. Une punoj me burra,

That's a failure, in most cases, of men's leadership.

Look at Penn State.

tha kam punuar me dhjetra e qindra,

Penn State is the mother of all teachable moments for the bystander approach.

qindra e mijera burra per shume, e shume dekada.

You had so many situations in that realm

Eshte shume e frikshme kur mendon per kete gje, sa vite.

where men in powerful positions failed to act

Por jane shume burra te cilet interesohen per keto ceshtje,

to protect children, in this case, boys.

por te interesohem shume nuk mjafton.

It's unbelievable, really.

Ne na duhen me shume burra qe kane guxim,

But when you get into it, you realize there are pressures on men.

me kurajo, me fuqi, me integritet moral

There are constraints within peer cultures on men,

per te thyer heshtjen tone dhe sfiduar njeri tjetrin

which is why we need to encourage men to break through those pressures.

per te qendruar me grate dhe jo kunder tyre.

Meqe ra fjala, ua kemi borxh grave.

And one of the ways to do that is to say

Nuk ka pyetje per kete,

Por ne gjithashtu ua kemi borxh djemve tane.

there's an awful lot of men who care deeply about these issues.

Ne gjithashtu u kemi borxh edhe djemve te rinj te cilet po rriten

I know this, I work with men,

ane e mbane botes ne situata ku ata nuk e bene zgjedhjen

and I've been working with tens of thousands,

per te qene nje burre i cili u thote atyre

hundreds of thousands of men for many decades now.

se burreria eshte nje forme e caktuar.

It's scary, when you think about it, how many years.

Ne te cilet kemi nje zgjedhje kemi nje mundesi

But there's so many men who care deeply about these issues,

but caring deeply is not enough.

dhe nje pergjegjesi per ata po ashtu.

We need more men with the guts,

Une shpresoj se,

burrat dhe grate

with the courage, with the strength, with the moral integrity

te punojne se bashku, mund te nisin ndryshimin

to break our complicit silence and challenge each other

dhe transformimin qe do te ndodhe,

and stand with women and not against them.

keshtu qe gjenerata te reja nuk do te kene nivelin e tragjedise

me te cilat ne merremi per dite.

By the way, we owe it to women.

E di qe mund t'ja dalim.

There's no question about it.

Ne mund te bejme me mire.

Faleminderit shume.

But we also owe it to our sons.

( Duartroktije)

We also owe it to young men who are growing up all over the world

in situations where they didn't make the choice

to be a man in a culture that tells them that manhood is a certain way.

They didn't make the choice.

We that have a choice, have an opportunity and a responsibility to them as well.

I hope that, going forward, men and women,

working together, can begin the change

and the transformation that will happen

so that future generations won't have the level of tragedy

that we deal with on a daily basis.

I know we can do it, we can do better.

Thank you very much.