Ananda Shankar Jayant fights cancer with dance

30,902 views ・ 2010-06-18

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00:16
(Music)
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[Sanskrit]
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This is an ode to the mother goddess,
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that most of us in India learn when we are children.
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I learned it when I was four
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at my mother's knee.
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That year she introduced me to dance,
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and thus began
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my tryst with classical dance.
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Since then -- it's been four decades now --
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I've trained with the best in the field,
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performed across the globe,
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taught young and old alike,
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created, collaborated,
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choreographed,
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and wove a rich tapestry
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of artistry, achievement and awards.
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The crowning glory was in 2007,
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when I received this country's
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fourth highest civilian award, the Padma Shri,
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for my contribution to art.
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(Applause)
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But nothing, nothing prepared me
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for what I was to hear
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on the first of July 2008.
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I heard the word "carcinoma."
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Yes, breast cancer.
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As I sat dumbstruck in my doctor's office,
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I heard other words:
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"cancer," "stage," "grade."
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Until then, Cancer was the zodiac
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sign of my friend,
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stage was what I performed on,
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and grades were what I got in school.
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That day, I realized
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I had an unwelcome, uninvited,
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new life partner.
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As a dancer,
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I know the nine rasas or the navarasas:
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anger, valor,
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disgust, humor
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and fear.
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I thought I knew what fear was.
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That day, I learned what fear was.
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Overcome with the enormity of it all
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and the complete feeling of loss of control,
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I shed copious tears
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and asked my dear husband, Jayant.
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I said, "Is this it? Is this the end of the road?
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Is this the end of my dance?"
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And he, the positive soul that he is,
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said, "No, this is just a hiatus,
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a hiatus during the treatment,
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and you'll get back to doing what you do best."
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I realized then
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that I, who thought I had complete control of my life,
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had control of only three things:
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My thought, my mind --
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the images that these thoughts created --
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and the action that derived from it.
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So here I was wallowing
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in a vortex of emotions
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and depression and what have you,
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with the enormity of the situation,
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wanting to go to a place of healing, health and happiness.
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I wanted to go from where I was
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to where I wanted to be,
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for which I needed something.
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I needed something that would pull me out of all this.
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So I dried my tears,
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and I declared to the world at large ...
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I said, "Cancer's only one page in my life,
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and I will not allow this page to impact the rest of my life."
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I also declared to the world at large
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that I would ride it out,
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and I would not allow cancer to ride me.
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But to go from where I was
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to where I wanted to be,
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I needed something.
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I needed an anchor, an image,
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a peg
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to peg this process on,
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so that I could go from there.
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And I found that in my dance,
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my dance, my strength, my energy, my passion,
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my very life breath.
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But it wasn't easy.
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Believe me, it definitely wasn't easy.
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How do you keep cheer
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when you go from beautiful
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to bald in three days?
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How do you not despair
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when, with the body ravaged by chemotherapy,
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climbing a mere flight of stairs was sheer torture,
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that to someone like me who could dance for three hours?
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How do you not get overwhelmed
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by the despair and the misery of it all?
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All I wanted to do was curl up and weep.
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But I kept telling myself fear and tears
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are options I did not have.
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So I would drag myself into my dance studio --
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body, mind and spirit -- every day into my dance studio,
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and learn everything I learned
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when I was four, all over again,
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reworked, relearned, regrouped.
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It was excruciatingly painful, but I did it.
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Difficult.
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I focused on my mudras,
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on the imagery of my dance,
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on the poetry and the metaphor
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and the philosophy of the dance itself.
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And slowly, I moved out
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of that miserable state of mind.
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But I needed something else.
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I needed something to go that extra mile,
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and I found it in that metaphor
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which I had learned from my mother when I was four.
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The metaphor of Mahishasura Mardhini,
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of Durga.
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Durga, the mother goddess, the fearless one,
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created by the pantheon of Hindu gods.
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Durga, resplendent, bedecked, beautiful,
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her 18 arms
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ready for warfare,
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as she rode astride her lion
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into the battlefield to destroy Mahishasur.
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Durga, the epitome
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of creative feminine energy,
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or shakti.
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Durga, the fearless one.
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I made that image of Durga
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and her every attribute, her every nuance,
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my very own.
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Powered by the symbology of a myth
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and the passion of my training,
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I brought laser-sharp focus into my dance,
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laser-sharp focus to such an extent
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that I danced a few weeks after surgery.
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I danced through chemo and radiation cycles,
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much to the dismay of my oncologist.
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I danced between chemo and radiation cycles
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and badgered him to fit it
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to my performing dance schedule.
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What I had done
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is I had tuned out of cancer
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and tuned into my dance.
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Yes, cancer has just been one page in my life.
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My story
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is a story of overcoming setbacks,
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obstacles and challenges
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that life throws at you.
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My story is the power of thought.
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My story is the power of choice.
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It's the power of focus.
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It's the power of bringing ourselves
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to the attention of something that so animates you,
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so moves you,
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that something even like cancer becomes insignificant.
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My story is the power of a metaphor.
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It's the power of an image.
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Mine was that of Durga,
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Durga the fearless one.
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She was also called Simhanandini,
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the one who rode the lion.
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As I ride out,
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as I ride my own inner strength,
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my own inner resilience,
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armed as I am with what medication can provide
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and continue treatment,
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as I ride out into the battlefield of cancer,
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asking my rogue cells to behave,
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I want to be known not as a cancer survivor,
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but as a cancer conqueror.
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I present to you an excerpt of that work
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"Simhanandini."
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(Applause)
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(Music)
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(Applause)
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