How to deal with rejection

翻译人员: Yip Yan Yeung 校对人员: Grace Man

Rejection hurts.

被拒绝让人痛苦。

It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted—

感觉到不受人欢迎 会让人痛彻心扉，

and we do mean painful.

没错，“痛”彻心扉。

fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity

fMRI（功能性磁共振成像）研究 表明遭到拒绝会引发

in multiple neural regions that process physical pain.

多个神经区域的大脑活动， 这些区域负责处理物理疼痛。

And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience.

我们对被拒绝的描述 印证了这种体验。

Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection

研究者记录了许多 将被拒绝与受伤

to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.”

相关联的描述，这些描述使用了 一些词语，如“崩溃”、“心碎”。

So why does rejection trigger such a strong response,

那么为什么遭到拒绝 会引发这么强烈的反应，

and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?

有没有什么办法可以让我们 应对这种独特的疼痛呢？

Psychologists often describe rejection

心理学家通常把遭到拒绝描述为

as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value

别人不屑与我们建立社交关系时 会发生的情况。

having social connections with us.

This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner,

可能是我们被爱人抛弃时，

excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against.

可能是被一群人排挤时， 或者公开受到歧视时。

But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections

但是值得一提的是， 这些人与人之间的拒绝

have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job.

和没拿到某份工作 有一种社会因素上的差别。

In these experiences,

在以上几种情况中，

we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship.

我们会感觉拒绝方 轻视了我们之间的关系。

And while the pain of rejection often increases

虽说遭到拒绝的痛苦通常会随着

the more we value a relationship,

我们对某段关系的重视程度增加，

even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.

但就算是陌生人的拒绝 也会伤害我们的感情。

This might seem like an overreaction,

看起来是我们反应过激了，

but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats

但是，就如同身体上的疼痛 警告我们发现了对我们

to our physical well-being,

身体健康的威胁，

hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being.

受伤的心情也在警告我们 发现了对我们社交健康的威胁。

Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed

一些行为心理学家表示， 这个警报系统在

when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans

我们的史前祖先以小部落形式群居、

and depended on everyone they knew for survival.

得依靠每个认识的人生存的时候 就已经产生了。

These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone

这些人逐渐将别人的拒绝

视为对他们安全的潜在威胁。

as a potential threat to their safety.

It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory,

要确认这种进化理论 已经不可能了，

but wherever this warning system came from,

但无论这个警报系统从何而来，

it doesn't include instructions

它都没有指导人们

for how to process this intense emotional experience.

如何处理这种强烈的情感体验。

So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.

所以，下一次你感到被人拒绝时， 问问自己这几个问题。

The first thing to consider is your relationship

第一件需要考虑的事是

with the person rejecting you.

你和拒绝方之间的关系。

Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear?

这个人和你很熟吗？ 你很重视他/她的意见吗？

Or is it just a loose acquaintance?

还是只是泛泛之交？

If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question:

如果是后者，可能可以 帮助你回答第二个问题：

does this rejection really matter?

他/她的拒绝真的重要吗？

It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke,

一个陌生人不觉得你的笑话好笑 确实会让你感到扎心，

but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection

但如果这个拒绝 不怎么会影响你的生活，

with little impact on your life.

那就没什么强烈反应的必要。

Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done,

当然，就算是无视一个小小的拒绝 也是说起来容易做起来难，

since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation.

因为你对自己的认知 也是需要考虑的一个因素。

You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others,

在某种场合下， 你可能会比别人更有自信，

and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations

在对自己缺乏自信的情况下， 人们会对遭到拒绝尤为敏感。

where they have a low opinion of themselves.

So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret

敏感到会更容易把别人

other people’s neutral reactions as rejections.

没有倾向的反应误解为拒绝。

This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view

这也就是为什么 从自己的角度反思、

and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you.

问问自己那个人是不是真的拒绝了你 很有帮助。

This might seem like an odd question.

听起来是个奇怪的问题。

But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you

但是你可能会发现 虽然这个人没有

as you would have liked, they still value your relationship.

以你想要的方式对待你，但是 他/她依旧珍视你们之间的关系。

In some cases, it's also helpful to consider

有些情况下， 你也可以思考一下

whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.

你想要的接受程度是不是 已经超过了合理范围。

Unfortunately, after asking these questions,

不幸的是，问了这些问题之后，

you might still conclude that a person close to you

你依旧有可能会发现 这个与你亲近的人

doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do.

不像你这么珍视这段关系。

This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things.

多么痛的领悟， 但是你可以记住这两件事。

First, this rejection isn't just about you.

第一，拒绝不只是你一方的问题。

The other party wants something different from your relationship,

另一方想从这段关系中 获取一些不一样的东西，

and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair,

他们想要的东西可能是 不合理的、不公平的，

or simply not what you have to give.

也许就不是你该给他/她的东西。

Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you.

第二，他们的拒绝 不代表你有什么毛病。

The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system

你感受到的痛苦只是因为 有这么一个机制，

nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.

让你思考一下你的人际关系。

And by reflecting on your behavior,

通过反思自己的行为，

you can find clues to help better understand the rejection

你可以找到一些方法， 让你更好地理解拒绝这件事，

and think critically about the relationship

辩证地思考你想和这个人之间 建立的关系。

you want to have with this person.

Every relationship and rejection is unique.

每段关系、每个拒绝 都是独特的。

But whatever the specifics,

但是无论细节如何，

it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this.

重要的是记住你在这个过程中 不是一个人在战斗。

Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—

每个人都会一辈子经历被拒绝，

even those who seem confident in their belonging.

那些看起来对自己的适应能力 很有自信的人也是如此。

And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience

要应对这一司空见惯的经历， 最常见的方法之一就是

is to reconnect with those who already accept you.

与那些已经接受你的人 重新建立联系。