How to deal with rejection

Translator: Aubrey Cheng Reviewer: Thomas Tam

Rejection hurts.

受到拒絕、令人心傷

It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted—

唔受歡迎會令人痛到入心入肺——

and we do mean painful.

係呀，真係入心入肺㗎

fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity

功能性磁振造影（fMRI）研究 發現受到拒絕會引發

in multiple neural regions that process physical pain.

大腦處理肉體痛楚嘅 多個神經區域活動

And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience.

呢個體驗反映咗 喺我哋用嚟形容被拒絕嘅言語上

Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection

研究人員錄製咗 超過 12 種語言

都係因為受到拒絕而受傷用到嘅措詞 例如「震驚」或者「心碎」

to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.”

So why does rejection trigger such a strong response,

點解被拒絕會引起咁強烈嘅反應

and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?

同埋有冇方法 應付呢種獨特痛楚嘅呢？

Psychologists often describe rejection

心理學家經常將拒絕描述為

as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value

當其他人唔重視

having social connections with us.

同我哋建立社交聯繫時 發生嘅情況

This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner,

可能發生喺我哋被愛侶拋棄

excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against.

被排除喺社群之外 或者直接受到歧視嗰陣

But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections

但值得留意呢啲 人與人之間嘅拒絕

have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job.

同搵唔到工嗰種拒絕 係由於不同嘅社會因素

In these experiences,

喺呢啲體驗入面

we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship.

我哋認為拒絕嘅一方輕視咗 我哋之間嘅關係

And while the pain of rejection often increases

而被拒絕嘅痛楚會隨著

我哋對嗰段關係嘅重視程度而增加

the more we value a relationship,

even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.

但就算係陌生人嘅拒絕 都可以傷害我哋嘅感受

This might seem like an overreaction,

噉樣做好似反應過大

but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats

但就好似身體受到痛楚 係警告我哋

to our physical well-being,

身體健康正受到威脅

hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being.

呢種感受警告我哋 喺社交健康方面係受到威脅

Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed

某啲行為學家喺度拗話 呢個警告系統喺史前以經有

when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans

祖先嗰陣以小氏族形式群居

and depended on everyone they knew for survival.

人類需要倚賴 所有佢哋認識嘅人嚟生存

These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone

當時嘅人可能已經進化到將拒絕

as a potential threat to their safety.

視為對佢哋安全嘅潛在威脅

It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory,

要證實呢種進化理論根本係冇可能

但無論呢種警告系統嚟自邊度

but wherever this warning system came from,

it doesn't include instructions

系統係冇指示畏我哋

for how to process this intense emotional experience.

應該要點樣處理呢個緊張嘅情緒化體驗

So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.

所以，當你下次覺得被拒絕 試下問下自己以下嘅問題

The first thing to consider is your relationship

首先，細心思考下

你同拒絕你嘅人之間嘅關係

with the person rejecting you.

Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear?

佢係咪好了解你 而你亦好重視佢嘅意見嘅呢？

Or is it just a loose acquaintance?

或只係識但唔熟嘅人呢？

If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question:

如果係後者可能幫到你 回答第二條問題：

does this rejection really matter?

呢個拒絕係咪真係咁重要呢？

It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke,

陌生人覺得你個笑話唔好笑 你會受到啲刺激

but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection

但係呢啲拒絕對你嘅生活 得些少影響啫

with little impact on your life.

冇必要作出過大嘅反應

Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done,

當然，要無視一個小小嘅拒絕 講就容易，做就好難

since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation.

因為你點樣睇自己 都係一個重要因素

喺某啲情況你會覺得 自己比其他人更有自信

You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others,

and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations

而人往往會對被拒絕 表現得特別敏感

where they have a low opinion of themselves.

尤其係喺佢哋自信心好低落嗰陣

So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret

低到一個程度令到佢哋誤會

other people’s neutral reactions as rejections.

其他人中立嘅反應就係拒絕

This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view

呢個就係點解 要由自己嘅角度去反思

and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you.

問下究竟其他人係咪真係拒絕你 係會對你自己有益

This might seem like an odd question.

呢個或者係好奇怪嘅問題

But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you

你會發覺其他人對待你嘅方式

as you would have liked, they still value your relationship.

唔係你所期望噉 依然好重視大家嘅關係

In some cases, it's also helpful to consider

喺某啲情況 你細心諗下會有幫助

whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.

你所期望嘅係唔係 已經超乎合理嘅範圍

Unfortunately, after asking these questions,

不幸嘅係，問完呢啲問題後

you might still conclude that a person close to you

你依然會得出個結論係

一個同你關係密切嘅人 唔似你咁重視呢段關係

doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do.

This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things.

呢個雖然係一個痛苦嘅認知過程 但可以幫你記住兩樣嘢

First, this rejection isn't just about you.

第一，呢個拒絕唔係針對你

The other party wants something different from your relationship,

對方想喺呢段關係裏面 要啲唔同嘅嘢

and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair,

而佢哋要嘅嘢 可能係唔合理、唔公平

or simply not what you have to give.

甚至唔係你必須付出嘅嘢

Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you.

第二，佢哋嘅拒絕唔代表係你有問題

The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system

係整個系統嘅一部分 令你感受到痛

nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.

輕輕推你一把 令你諗下自己嘅人際關係

And by reflecting on your behavior,

而反思一下自己嘅行為

you can find clues to help better understand the rejection

可以幫你搵到 了解拒絕嘅一啲線索

and think critically about the relationship

同埋仔細諗清楚

you want to have with this person.

你想同呢個人 建立咩嘢嘅關係

Every relationship and rejection is unique.

每段關係、每個拒絕 都係獨特嘅

But whatever the specifics,

但無論細節係點

it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this.

重要嘅係、你要記住 你唔係一個人去面對所有嘢

Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—

大家喺一生之中 都要應付被人拒絕

even those who seem confident in their belonging.

既使睇落對群體生活 滿有自信嘅人都係一樣

And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience

而最常見嘅方法之一 去應付呢種普遍嘅體驗

is to reconnect with those who already accept you.

就係同已經接納咗你嘅人 重新建立關係