How to deal with rejection

譯者: Irene Chiang 審譯者: 麗玲 辛

Rejection hurts.

拒絕很傷人。

It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted—

不被需要的感覺極其痛苦－

and we do mean painful.

真正的痛苦。

fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity

功能性磁振造影研究發現

被拒絕會誘發多個處理生理疼痛的 腦部神經區反應。

in multiple neural regions that process physical pain.

And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience.

而用來形容拒絕的語言 也反映出這種體驗。

Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection

研究人員記錄超過十多種語言， 在敍述拒絕的傷害時，

to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.”

使用「崩潰」或「心碎」 等詞彙來形容。

So why does rejection trigger such a strong response,

為甚麼被拒絕會引發如此強烈的感受，

and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?

有任何方法可以應對 這樣獨特的痛苦嗎？

Psychologists often describe rejection

心理學家經常描述拒絕是

as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value

當我們與他人的社會連結 不被重視時的感受。

having social connections with us.

This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner,

這樣的情況發生在 我們被情人拋棄、

excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against.

被一群人排擠、或被公然歧視的時候。

But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections

值得注意的是這些 在人際上被拒絕的經驗

have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job.

有個社交的要素， 和求職被拒的情況不同。

In these experiences,

在這些經驗中，

we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship.

我們察覺拒絕的對方 不重視與我們的關係。

And while the pain of rejection often increases

雖然被拒絕的痛苦常隨著我們 對該關係的重視程度而增加，

the more we value a relationship,

even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.

被陌生人拒絕 卻也可能令我們感到受傷。

This might seem like an overreaction,

這看似過度反應，

but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats

但如同生理上的疼痛提醒我們 對生理健康已知的威脅，

to our physical well-being,

hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being.

傷心的感受也在警告我們 注意健全社交上的威脅。

Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed

一些行為心理學家主張 這種警示機制的發展是因為

when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans

我們的史前祖先生活在小族群中，

and depended on everyone they knew for survival.

依靠著他們認識的所有人生存。

These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone

這些人類可能已經演化成

將所有人的拒絕 都視為對安全的潛在威脅。

as a potential threat to their safety.

It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory,

這種進化理論幾乎不可能證實，

but wherever this warning system came from,

但不管這種警示機制是如何形成的，

it doesn't include instructions

它並沒有提供任何指令，

for how to process this intense emotional experience.

指導我們如何消化這強烈的情緒。

So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.

不過，你下次被拒絕時， 可以試問自己以下的問題。

The first thing to consider is your relationship

第一個問題是考量 拒絕你的人和你的關係。

with the person rejecting you.

Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear?

對方是否非常了解你， 而你也很看重他的想法？

Or is it just a loose acquaintance?

還是你們其實不怎麼熟？

If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question:

如果是後者，這也許 有助你回答第二個問題：

does this rejection really matter?

被這個人拒絕很嚴重嗎？

It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke,

當有個陌生人認為你的笑話不好笑， 你確實會感到不舒服，

but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection

但對於這件事過度反應就不合理，

畢竟這對你人生幾乎沒影響。

with little impact on your life.

Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done,

當然，即使要漠視個小拒絕， 說得容易，做到很難，

since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation.

因為如何看待自我也是重要的因素。

You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others,

在某些情況下，你可能比他人更有自信，

and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations

而通常缺乏自我肯定的人 會對被拒絕的情況更加敏感。

where they have a low opinion of themselves.

So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret

甚至可能因此 將他人中性的反應誤認為是拒絕。

other people’s neutral reactions as rejections.

This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view

這就是為甚麼反思自我評價、 同時自問他人是否真的拒絕

and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you.

是有助於改善情況的。

This might seem like an odd question.

這個問題聽來可能有點奇怪。

But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you

但你也許會發現，就算對方不是 如你所希望的那般對待你，

as you would have liked, they still value your relationship.

他還是重視你們的關係。

In some cases, it's also helpful to consider

在某些情況下，你也可以想想，

whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.

對於他人的認可， 你是否懷抱著過高的期望。

Unfortunately, after asking these questions,

遺憾的是，當你思考完這些問題，

you might still conclude that a person close to you

你也許還是會斷定，親近的人 並不像你重視他般地重視你。

doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do.

This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things.

這是很痛的領悟， 但可以幫助你記住兩件事。

First, this rejection isn't just about you.

第一，這次拒絕並不唯獨是因為你。

The other party wants something different from your relationship,

對方可能想從這段關係 獲得不同的事物，

and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair,

而他的需求也許並不合理，不公平，

or simply not what you have to give.

或者純粹不是你能給予的。

Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you.

第二，他人的拒絕並非代表你不好。

The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system

你所感受到的痛苦 只是自我機制的一部分，

nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.

促使你去思考你的人際關係。

And by reflecting on your behavior,

而通過自我反思，

you can find clues to help better understand the rejection

你會發現一些線索， 幫助你更了解拒絕這件事，

and think critically about the relationship

也能使你更加客觀的評判 你們的這段關係。

you want to have with this person.

Every relationship and rejection is unique.

每一段關係和每一次拒絕都是獨特的。

But whatever the specifics,

不管具體發生甚麼，

it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this.

重要的是要記得，你絕對不是孤單的。

Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—

人生中，每個人 都會碰到被拒絕的情況－

even those who seem confident in their belonging.

即使是那些看似充滿自信的人。

And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience

應對這個共同的經驗，

is to reconnect with those who already accept you.

最常見的方法之一便是 與認可你的人建立更緊密的連結。