How to deal with rejection

Rejection hurts.

It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted—

and we do mean painful.

fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity

in multiple neural regions that process physical pain.

And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience.

Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection

to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.”

So why does rejection trigger such a strong response,

and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?

Psychologists often describe rejection

as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value

having social connections with us.

This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner,

excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against.

But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections

have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job.

In these experiences,

we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship.

And while the pain of rejection often increases

the more we value a relationship,

even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.

This might seem like an overreaction,

but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats

to our physical well-being,

hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being.

Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed

when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans

and depended on everyone they knew for survival.

These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone

as a potential threat to their safety.

It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory,

but wherever this warning system came from,

it doesn't include instructions

for how to process this intense emotional experience.

So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.

The first thing to consider is your relationship

with the person rejecting you.

Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear?

Or is it just a loose acquaintance?

If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question:

does this rejection really matter?

It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke,

but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection

with little impact on your life.

Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done,

since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation.

You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others,

and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations

where they have a low opinion of themselves.

So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret

other people’s neutral reactions as rejections.

This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view

and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you.

This might seem like an odd question.

But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you

as you would have liked, they still value your relationship.

In some cases, it's also helpful to consider

whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.

Unfortunately, after asking these questions,

you might still conclude that a person close to you

doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do.

This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things.

First, this rejection isn't just about you.

The other party wants something different from your relationship,

and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair,

or simply not what you have to give.

Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you.

The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system

nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships.

And by reflecting on your behavior,

you can find clues to help better understand the rejection

and think critically about the relationship

you want to have with this person.

Every relationship and rejection is unique.

But whatever the specifics,

it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this.

Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life—

even those who seem confident in their belonging.

And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience

is to reconnect with those who already accept you.