The gospel of doubt | Casey Gerald

譯者: nr chan 審譯者: Kuan-Yi Li

There we were,

我們身在那裡

souls and bodies packed into a Texas church

靈魂和身體全塞在一間德州的教堂

on the last night of our lives.

度過我們生命的最後一晚

Packed into a room just like this,

擠在一個像這樣的房間

but with creaky wooden pews draped in worn-down red fabric,

但老舊的木長凳上 蓋著的是破損的紅布

with an organ to my left and a choir at my back

而我左方是架管風琴 後方有唱詩班

and a baptism pool built into the wall behind them.

唱詩班後面的牆後是個受洗池

A room like this, nonetheless.

儘管在這樣的空間

With the same great feelings of suspense,

大家還是有著一樣強烈的信念

the same deep hopes for salvation,

一樣打從心底地等待著救贖

the same sweat in the palms

手掌心同樣冒著汗

and the same people in the back not paying attention.

而坐在後排的人也一樣心不在焉

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

This was December 31, 1999,

那是 1999 年的 12 月 31 日

the night of the Second Coming of Christ,

是耶穌再臨的夜晚

and the end of the world as I knew it.

也是我所認知的末日

I had turned 12 that year

我那年才 12 歲

and had reached the age of accountability.

剛到了問責的年紀 （指開始承擔原罪，對神負責）

And once I stopped complaining

而當我停止抱怨

about how unfair it was that Jesus would return

在我剛開始問責

as soon as I had to be accountable for all that I had done,

耶穌就將再臨是多麼的不公平時

I figured I had better get my house in order very quickly.

我意識到我得趕快振作起來

So I went to church as often as I could.

所以我盡可能地去教堂

I listened for silence as anxiously as one might listen for noise,

我專注並心焦地聆聽著靜默 如人感受著風吹草動般

trying to be sure that the Lord hadn't pulled a fast one on me

我試著確定耶和華並不是在捉弄我

and decided to come back early.

而選擇這麼早就再臨

And just in case he did,

而如果祂真的選擇這麼早再臨

I built a backup plan,

我還有個備案

by reading the "Left Behind" books that were all the rage at the time.

曾經紅極一時的書《末日迷蹤》

And I found in their pages

裡頭告訴我

that if I was not taken in the rapture at midnight,

如果我沒有在子夜時分被送到天堂

I had another shot.

我就有機會賭一把

All I had to do was avoid taking the mark of the beast,

全部要做的就是避免拿到獸之印記

fight off demons, plagues and the Antichrist himself.

並打退惡魔和反基督教者

It would be hard --

這可能有難度

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

but I knew I could do it.

但我確信我做得到

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But planning time was over now.

我已經沒時間計畫了

It was 11:50pm.

已經晚上 11:50

We had 10 minutes left,

我們只剩 10 分鐘

and my pastor called us out of the pews and down to the altar

牧師叫大家起身並到壇前

because he wanted to be praying when midnight struck.

因為他想在子夜那時祈禱

So every faction of the congregation

所以眾教徒

took its place.

各就定位

The choir stayed in the choir stand,

唱詩班留在原位

the deacons and their wives --

而副祭們和他們的老婆

or the Baptist Bourgeoisie as I like to call them --

我比較喜歡叫他們 浸信會的中產階級

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

took first position in front of the altar.

則坐在壇前第一排

You see, in America,

如你所見，在美國

even the Second Coming of Christ has a VIP section.

就算耶穌再臨也有 VIP 區

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

And right behind the Baptist Bourgeoisie

而在這群中產階級的後一排

were the elderly --

是長者們

these men and women whose young backs had been bent under hot suns

這群男女年輕時 在東德州的烈日下彎著腰

in the cotton fields of East Texas,

在棉花田裡工作

and whose skin seemed to be burnt a creaseless noble brown,

他們的皮膚被炙成了平滑高雅的棕色

just like the clay of East Texas,

就如同東德州的泥土

and whose hopes and dreams for what life might become

離開東德州過好生活

outside of East Texas

這樣的希望和夢想

had sometimes been bent and broken

已經殘破不堪

even further than their backs.

甚於他們的背

Yes, these men and women were the stars of the show for me.

是的，這群男女 對我來說是今天的主角

They had waited their whole lives for this moment,

他們等了一輩子就為了這一刻

just as their medieval predecessors had longed for the end of the world,

猶如中世紀的先人期待末日

and just as my grandmother waited for the Oprah Winfrey Show

也像是我奶奶每天 4 點

to come on Channel 8 every day at 4 o'clock.

切到第 8 台等歐普拉的秀一樣

And as she made her way to the altar,

當我奶奶走向壇前

I snuck right in behind her,

我偷偷尾隨在她身後

because I knew for sure

因為我確知

that my grandmother was going to heaven.

我奶奶會去天堂

And I thought that if I held on to her hand during this prayer,

我想，如果我在禱告時握住她的手

I might go right on with her.

我就能跟她一起去

So I held on

所以我緊握著手

and I closed my eyes

閉上雙眼

to listen,

聆聽

to wait.

等待

And the prayers got louder.

禱告聲越來越大

And the shouts of response to the call of the prayer

此起彼落的呼聲

went up higher even still.

使禱告聲更為高亢

And the organ rolled on in to add the dirge.

管風琴也加入彈頌哀歌

And the heat came on to add to the sweat.

握熱的手心則冒著汗

And my hand gripped firmer,

我的手緊握

so I wouldn't be the one left in the field.

以免被留在凡間

My eyes clenched tighter

我的雙眼緊閉

so I wouldn't see the wheat being separated from the chaff.

這樣才看不到麥子從糠中被分離

And then a voice rang out above us:

接著是一聲：

"Amen."

「阿門」

It was over.

一切都結束了

I looked at the clock.

我看看時鐘

It was after midnight.

已經過了 12 點

I looked at the elder believers

我看向那群長者

whose savior had not come,

他們的救世主沒來

who were too proud to show any signs of disappointment,

他們因為驕傲而沒露出一絲的失望

who had believed too much and for too long

他們相信得太深太久

to start doubting now.

如今也未曾質疑信仰

But I was upset on their behalf.

我對他們的反應感到心煩意亂

They had been duped,

他們被騙了

hoodwinked, bamboozled,

被欺瞞、被哄騙

and I had gone right along with them.

而我竟跟他們一起

I had prayed their prayers,

我跟著禱告

I had yielded not to temptation as best I could.

我試著不被誘惑

I had dipped my head not once, but twice

我也不只一次，而是兩度

in that snot-inducing baptism pool.

把頭浸入那讓人流鼻涕的受洗池

I had believed.

我曾深信不疑

Now what?

現在呢？

I got home just in time to turn on the television

我及時回家打開電視

and watch Peter Jennings announce the new millennium

看彼得．詹寧斯宣告

世界各地前後到來的千禧年

as it rolled in around the world.

It struck me that it would have been strange anyway,

我突然意識到一件事

for Jesus to come back again and again

耶穌在不同時區不停地再臨

based on the different time zones.

這樣的話太詭異了

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And this made me feel even more ridiculous --

而這讓我覺得荒謬

hurt, really.

心很痛，真的

But there on that night, I did not stop believing.

但我不是在那晚就不再相信

I just believed a new thing:

我只是相信了一件新的事情：

that it was possible not to believe.

一個人也可以選擇不相信

It was possible the answers I had were wrong,

可能我的答案是錯的

that the questions themselves were wrong.

而問題本身也可能是錯的

And now, where there was once a mountain of certitude,

只要有一座代表確信的山峰

there was, running right down to its foundation,

就會有一條代表懷疑的小溪

a spring of doubt,

而小溪往山腳流去

a spring that promised rivers.

終會匯聚成河流

I can trace the whole drama of my life

我可以將我的人生回溯到

back to that night in that church

那晚的教堂

when my savior did not come for me;

救世主並沒有前來的那晚

when the thing I believed most certainly

當我所相信的事物很明顯地

turned out to be, if not a lie,

就算不說是個謊言

then not quite the truth.

也不能說是事實的時候

And even though most of you prepared for Y2K in a very different way,

即便在座絕大多數可能 以不同的方式面對千禧年

I'm convinced that you are here

但我相信仍有人跟我一樣

because some part of you has done the same thing that I have done

在這個新世紀的破曉時分

since the dawn of this new century,

跟我做了一樣的事

since my mother left and my father stayed away

自從我母親的離世 與父親的離去

and my Lord refused to come.

以及主拒絕前來

And I held out my hand,

我伸出我的手

reaching for something to believe in.

試著探觸、 尋找一個能讓我相信的東西

I held on when I arrived at Yale at 18,

我 18 歲時進了耶魯大學

with the faith that my journey from Oak Cliff, Texas

心想離開了德州的奧克利夫

was a chance to leave behind all the challenges I had known,

就能夠將我所知的困難

the broken dreams and broken bodies I had seen.

還有殘破的夢想、身形拋諸腦後

But when I found myself back home one winter break,

但當我寒假回家

with my face planted in the floor,

臉被壓在地上

my hands tied behind my back

手被綁在背後

and a burglar's gun pressed to my head,

而竊賊的槍抵著我的腦門時

I knew that even the best education couldn't save me.

我知道即使最好的教育也救不了我

I held on when I showed up at Lehman Brothers

2008 年當我在雷曼兄弟

as an intern in 2008.

當實習生時也在尋找

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So hopeful --

我充滿希望──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

that I called home to inform my family

我打回家告訴家人

that we'd never be poor again.

我們不會再貧困了

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But as I witnessed this temple of finance

但我親眼見證金融聖殿

come crashing down before my eyes,

在我面前坍塌

I knew that even the best job couldn't save me.

我知道即便最好的工作也救不了我

I held on when I showed up in Washington DC as a young staffer,

我在華盛頓特區當年輕職員時尋找

who had heard a voice call out from Illinois,

聽到來自伊利諾州的聲音

saying, "It's been a long time coming,

說：「大家等待很久了，

but in this election, change has come to America."

但在這次的選舉，美國將會改變。」

But as the Congress ground to a halt

但國會仍停滯不前

and the country ripped at the seams

而國家分崩離析

and hope and change began to feel like a cruel joke,

希望與改變對我來說 像是個殘酷的玩笑

I knew that even the political second coming

我知道就算政治重來

could not save me.

也救不了我

I had knelt faithfully at the altar of the American Dream,

我虔誠地跪在美國夢的祭壇前

praying to the gods of my time

向上天祈禱屬於我的

of success,

成就

and money,

金錢

and power.

和權力

But over and over again,

但一再地

midnight struck, and I opened my eyes

子夜來臨，而我張眼

to see that all of these gods were dead.

見到所有的神皆已死

And from that graveyard,

而從那個墓園

I began the search once more,

我決定再次尋找

not because I was brave,

不是因為我很勇敢

but because I knew that I would either believe

而是我知道我只能選擇相信

or I would die.

不然就是死亡

So I took a pilgrimage to yet another mecca,

所以我啟程 向我心目中的麥加朝聖

Harvard Business School --

哈佛商學院

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

this time, knowing that I could not simply accept the salvation

這次，我知道我不能單單接受

它們宣稱會提供的救贖

that it claimed to offer.

No, I knew there'd be more work to do.

不，我知道我還有更多事情要做

The work began in the dark corner of a crowded party,

一切開始於一個熱鬧派對的黑暗角落

in the late night of an early, miserable Cambridge winter,

在劍橋初冬，一個令人憂愁的夜晚

when three friends and I asked a question

三個朋友和我問了一個問題

that young folks searching for something real have asked

那是作為年輕小夥子 尋求真諦

for a very long time:

一直以來會問的問題

"What if we took a road trip?"

「如果我們去公路旅行怎麼樣？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We didn't know where'd we go or how we'd get there,

我們不知道我們的目的地 也不知道怎麼去

but we knew we had to do it.

但我們知道做就對了

Because all our lives we yearned, as Jack Kerouac wrote,

我們嚮往的生活 就像傑克．凱魯亞克所寫的

to "sneak out into the night and disappear somewhere,"

「在夜幕低垂時偷跑出去， 並在某個地方消失無蹤」

and go find out what everybody was doing

看看這個國家的其他人

all over the country.

都在做些什麼

So even though there were other voices who said

所以即便有人認為

that the risk was too great and the proof too thin,

風險太高憑據單薄

we went on anyhow.

我們還是上路了

We went on 8,000 miles across America in the summer of 2013,

我們在 2013 年的夏天 跨越了美國 8000 哩

through the cow pastures of Montana, through the desolation of Detroit,

經過了蒙大拿的牧場 經過了底特律的荒野

through the swamps of New Orleans,

經過了紐奧良的沼澤

where we found and worked with men and women

我們在那和人們相遇、共事

who were building small businesses

他們經營小事業

that made purpose their bottom line.

並將心中的理想置於首位

And having been trained at the West Point of capitalism,

對哈佛商學院的我們來說

this struck us as a revolutionary idea.

這真是革命性的想法

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And this idea spread,

而這個理念最終

growing into a nonprofit called MBAs Across America,

成長為一個叫《橫跨美國的 MBA》 的非營利組織

a movement that landed me here on this stage today.

這也是我今天上台的動機

It spread because we found a great hunger in our generation

它因這個世代的渴望而散播

for purpose, for meaning.

對目標、意義的渴望

It spread because we found countless entrepreneurs

它為了在美國角落和夾縫中 的企業家而散播

in the nooks and crannies of America

who were creating jobs and changing lives

這些企業家創造了 工作和改變生活的機會

and who needed a little help.

而他們需要一些幫助

But if I'm being honest, it also spread

但說實話

它也因為我的奮鬥而散播

because I fought to spread it.

There was no length to which I would not go

為了傳這個福音

to preach this gospel,

沒有什麼我不會做的

to get more people to believe

只為了讓更多人相信

that we could bind the wounds of a broken country,

我們可以用一個個社會企業

one social business at a time.

來包紮受傷的國家

But it was this journey of evangelism

也是這個福音的旅程

that led me to the rather different gospel

帶給我另一個不同的福音

that I've come to share with you today.

也就是我今天要跟各位分享的故事

It began one evening almost a year ago

大概是一年前的某個傍晚

at the Museum of Natural History in New York City,

在紐約的自然史博物館

at a gala for alumni of Harvard Business School.

哈佛商學院的校友聚會

Under a full-size replica of a whale,

在真實比例的鯨魚複製品下

I sat with the titans of our time

我坐在我們這一代的巨人旁

as they celebrated their peers and their good deeds.

他們慶祝他們的優秀事蹟

There was pride in a room

整個空間充滿自豪之感

where net worth and assets under management

他們的淨值和資產

surpassed half a trillion dollars.

就超過了 5000 億美元

We looked over all that we had made,

我們細數所贏得的一切

and it was good.

感覺很好

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But it just so happened,

但是

two days later,

兩天之後

I had to travel up the road to Harlem,

我旅行到了紐約哈林區

where I found myself sitting in an urban farm

我坐在現代的農場

that had once been a vacant lot,

那裡曾是空地

listening to a man named Tony tell me of the kids

聽著一個叫做東尼的男人

告訴我每天都會出現的孩子的故事

that showed up there every day.

All of them lived below the poverty line.

他們都活在貧窮門檻之下

Many of them carried all of their belongings in a backpack

很多人的背包就背著他所有的家當

to avoid losing them in a homeless shelter.

避免在無家可歸的情況下失去它們

Some of them came to Tony's program,

有些人加入了東尼的計畫

called Harlem Grown,

叫《哈林栽培》

to get the only meal they had each day.

來領取每天僅有的一餐

Tony told me that he started Harlem Grown with money from his pension,

東尼創《哈林栽培》的資金 是他的養老金

after 20 years as a cab driver.

他開了計程車 20 年

He told me that he didn't give himself a salary,

他告訴我他沒付自己薪水

because despite success, the program struggled for resources.

因為儘管成功 計畫還是會缺資源

He told me that he would take any help

他說他接受任何

that he could get.

他能得到的幫助

And I was there as that help.

而我就可以是那個幫助者

But as I left Tony, I felt the sting and salt of tears

但當我揮別東尼 我感到淚水的刺痛和鹹苦

welling up in my eyes.

從我眼中奪眶而出

I felt the weight of revelation

我感受到了啟示的重量

that I could sit in one room on one night,

我可以在一個晚上

where a few hundred people had half a trillion dollars,

和幾百個身價 5000 億的人共處一室

and another room, two days later,

但兩天過後的另一個空間

just 50 blocks up the road,

就在 50 個街區外

where a man was going without a salary

有一個男人無薪地

to get a child her only meal of the day.

給孩子一天的唯一一餐

And it wasn't the glaring inequality that made me want to cry,

並不是這明顯的不平等讓我想哭

it wasn't the thought of hungry, homeless kids,

不是飢餓和無家可歸的孩子讓我想哭

it wasn't rage toward the one percent

也不是 1% 對上

or pity toward the 99.

可憐的 99% 讓我想哭

No, I was disturbed because I had finally realized

我不安是因為我終於意識到

that I was the dialysis

我可以作為一台洗腎機

for a country that needed a kidney transplant.

幫助這個亟需腎臟移植的國家

I realized that my story stood in for all those

我意識到我的故事

幫助了那些想要白手起家的人

who were expected to pick themselves up by their bootstraps,

even if they didn't have any boots;

就算他們幾乎一無所有

that my organization stood in

我意識到我的機構

for all the structural, systemic help that never went to Harlem

推動了結構性、系統性的援助

到達未曾觸及的哈林區 阿帕拉契或下九區

or Appalachia or the Lower 9th Ward;

that my voice stood in for all those voices

我意識到我的聲音幫助了那些

that seemed too unlearned, too unwashed, too unaccommodated.

沒受教育、沒被洗禮、 難以適應社會者的聲音

And the shame of that,

而那種羞赧

that shame washed over me

讓我覺得像是

like the shame of sitting in front of the television,

那時坐在電視前的羞辱

watching Peter Jennings announce the new millennium

看著彼得．詹寧斯宣告千禧年的到來

again

一次

and again

一次

and again.

又一次

I had been duped,

我那時被騙了

hoodwinked,

被欺瞞

bamboozled.

被哄騙

But this time, the false savior was me.

但這次，我竟是 那位犯錯的救世主

You see, I've come a long way from that altar

如你所見 我走了很長的一段路

on the night I thought the world would end,

從那天晚上我以為 世界將要毀滅的祭壇

from a world where people spoke in tongues

從那個存在各種方言的世界

and saw suffering as a necessary act of God

人們視苦難為上帝的必要工作

and took a text to be infallible truth.

並視一本書為萬無一失的真相

Yes, I've come so far

沒錯，我走了很長的一段路

that I'm right back where I started.

並回到了最初的起點

Because it simply is not true to say

要說我活在不相信的年代 明顯是錯的

that we live in an age of disbelief --

no, we believe today just as much as any time that came before.

不，我們跟以前一樣都相信著

Some of us may believe in the prophecy of Brené Brown

我們有些人可能 相信布芮尼．布朗

or Tony Robbins.

或東尼．羅賓斯的「預言」

We may believe in the bible of The New Yorker

我們可能相信《紐約客》

or the Harvard Business Review.

或《哈佛商業評論》的「聖經」

We may believe most deeply

我們可能更深信

when we worship right here at the church of TED,

這個 TED 的「教堂」

but we desperately want to believe,

我們不顧一切地想要相信

we need to believe.

我們需要去相信

We speak in the tongues of charismatic leaders

我們成為那些保證

that promise to solve all our problems.

會解決問題的領袖的唇舌

We see suffering as a necessary act of the capitalism that is our god,

我們視苦難為資本主義的必要因素

we take the text of technological progress

我們視科技進展

to be infallible truth.

為萬無一失的真理

And we hardly realize the human price we pay

但我們鮮少發覺 那些未曾質疑的根本

when we fail to question one brick,

將讓我們付出多少代價

because we fear it might shake our whole foundation.

因為我們怕它會撼動整座基石

But if you are disturbed

但若你對我們一直以來都接受、

by the unconscionable things that we have come to accept,

不曾存疑的事情感到不安

then it must be questioning time.

那是時候懷疑了

So I have not a gospel of disruption or innovation

所以我並沒有什麼關於顛覆、創新

or a triple bottom line.

或是商業價值的福音

I do not have a gospel of faith to share with you today, in fact.

也並沒有什麼 關於信念的福音要與你分享

I have and I offer a gospel of doubt.

我提供給各位的是存疑的禮讚

The gospel of doubt does not ask that you stop believing,

這並不是叫你不去相信

it asks that you believe a new thing:

是教你相信一件新的事：

that it is possible not to believe.

一個人也可以選擇不相信

It is possible the answers we have are wrong,

有可能我們現有的解答是錯的

it is possible the questions themselves are wrong.

有可能問題本身是錯的

Yes, the gospel of doubt means that it is possible that we,

沒錯！存疑的禮讚 也代表了，我們

on this stage, in this room,

在這個舞台 在這個空間

are wrong.

都是錯的

Because it raises the question, "Why?"

因為這才能引出問題：「為什麼？」

With all the power that we hold in our hands,

我們手中已握有了這樣的力量

why are people still suffering so bad?

但為什麼人們還是受苦受難

This doubt leads me to share that we are putting my organization,

這份懷疑讓我跟大家分享

我們要將我們的組織 《橫跨美國的 MBA》

MBAs Across America,

out of business.

帶出商業圈

We have shed our staff and closed our doors

我們解散員工並關閉大門

and we will share our model freely

並會免費將我們的模式分享

with anyone who sees their power to do this work

給任何認為自己有能力 勝任這份工作的人

without waiting for our permission.

不用等我們許可

This doubt compels me

這份懷疑驅使我

to renounce the role of savior

拋棄別人加諸於我的 救世主的角色

that some have placed on me,

because our time is too short and our odds are too long

因為我們的時間不多 而等待耶穌再臨的機會

to wait for second comings,

又要等太久

when the truth is that there will be no miracles here.

而事實是這世上沒有奇蹟

And this doubt, it fuels me,

這份懷疑，點燃了我

it gives me hope

給我希望

that when our troubles overwhelm us,

當困境壟罩之時

when the paths laid out for us seem to lead to our demise,

當山窮水盡之時

when our healers bring no comfort to our wounds,

當醫者都無法 減輕我們的痛苦時

it will not be our blind faith --

支撐我們的不是盲目的信念

no, it will be our humble doubt

而是我們謙卑的懷疑

that shines a little light into the darkness of our lives

它將使我們人生的陰暗

and of our world

撥雲見日

and lets us raise our voice to whisper

讓我們張嘴耳語

or to shout

或張嘴吶喊

or to say simply,

或只是單純

very simply,

簡單地說出：

"There must be another way."

「一定還有別的解答」

Thank you.

謝謝大家

(Applause)

（掌聲）