Why I keep speaking up, even when people mock my accent | Safwat Saleem

譯者: Claire Lee 審譯者: Conway Ye

I used to have this recurring dream

我以前常常反覆的做一個同樣的夢。

where I'd walk into a roomful of people,

在夢裡，我走進一個擠滿人的房間。

and I'd try not to make eye contact with anyone.

我試著不跟任何人有目光上的接觸。

Until someone notices me,

這樣一直到有人注意到我，

and I just panic.

我驚慌極了。

And the person walks up to me,

這個人走向我說：

and says, "Hi, my name is So-and-so.

「嗨，我叫某某，

And what is your name?"

你呢？」

And I'm just quiet, unable to respond.

但我只是靜靜的，無法回應。

After some awkward silence, he goes,

經過一陣尷尬的沉默，他問：

"Have you forgotten your name?"

「你忘了自己的名字嗎？」

And I'm still quiet.

但我還是只是靜靜的。

And then, slowly, all the other people in the room begin to turn toward me

然後慢慢的，

在房間裡其他所有的人，開始轉向我，

and ask, almost in unison,

幾乎是齊聲一起問我：

(Voice-over, several voices) "Have you forgotten your name?"

（許多聲音重疊） 「你忘記自己的名字了嗎？」

As the chant gets louder, I want to respond, but I don't.

就當這個重覆口號越來越大聲時， 我想反應，但我沒有。

I'm a visual artist.

我是一個視覺藝術家。

Some of my work is humorous,

我的有些作品是詼諧的，

and some is a bit funny but in a sad way.

有些則是有趣中帶點感傷。

And one thing that I really enjoy doing

有一件我非常喜歡做的事情，

is making these little animations

就是製作這些動畫短片。

where I get to do the voice-over for all kinds of characters.

因為我可以為不同的角色配旁白。

I've been a bear.

我當過熊。

(Video) Bear (Safwat Saleem's voice): Hi.

（影片）熊（講員的聲音）：嗨。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Safwat Saleem: I've been a whale.

我當過鯨魚。

(Video) Whale (SS's voice): Hi.

（影片）鯨魚 （講員的聲音）：嗨。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

SS: I've been a greeting card.

我當過賀卡。

(Video) Greeting card (SS's voice): Hi.

（影片）賀卡（講員的聲音）：嗨。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

SS: And my personal favorite is Frankenstein's monster.

我自己最喜歡的是科學怪人。

(Video) Frankenstein's monster (SS's voice): (Grunts)

（影片）科學怪人 （講員的聲音）：咕噥呼嚕聲

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

為了這個角色我真得發出 許多咕噥呼嚕聲。

SS: I just had to grunt a lot for that one.

A few years ago, I made this educational video

幾年前，我製作了一個教育性的影片，

about the history of video games.

內容是有關電玩歷史。

And for that one, I got to do the voice of Space Invader.

在那影片，我是太空侵略者的配音。

(Video) Space Invader (SS's voice): Hi.

（影片）太空侵略者 （講員的聲音）：嗨。

SS: A dream come true, really,

真是夢想成真！

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And when that video was posted online,

當那個影片上網時，

I just sat there on the computer, hitting "refresh,"

我就只坐在電腦前， 一直按「網頁刷新」。

excited to see the response.

興奮的想看網友的回應。

The first comment comes in.

第一個評論上網了。

(Video) Comment: Great job.

（影片）評論：做得好。

SS: Yes!

太好了！

I hit "refresh."

我再按「網頁刷新」。

(Video) Comment: Excellent video. I look forward to the next one.

（影片）評論：很棒的影片。 我很期待下一個作品。

這還只是兩部分影片的頭一部分。

SS: This was just the first of a two-part video.

I was going to work on the second one next.

我還要繼續製作第二部分。

I hit "refresh."

我再按「網頁刷新」。

(Video) Comment: Where is part TWO? WHEREEEEE? I need it NOWWWWW!: P

評論: 第二部在那裡？ 那那那裡裡？我現在就要！:P

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

SS: People other than my mom were saying nice things about me,

除了我媽以外，在網上的其他人

on the Internet!

都讚美我！

It felt like I had finally arrived.

這讓我覺得我終於做到了！

I hit "refresh."

我再按「網頁刷新」。

(Video) Comment: His voice is annoying. No offense.

（影片）評論：他的聲音有點 惹人厭。不要見怪。

SS: OK, no offense taken. Refresh.

沒有見怪。刷新綱頁。

(Video) Comment: Could you remake this without peanut butter in your mouth?

（影片）評論：可以重作這部影片？ 這次不要有花生醬在嘴裡嗎？

SS: OK, at least the feedback is somewhat constructive. Hit "refresh."

好吧。至少是個有建設性的回饋。

按「網頁刷新」。

(Video) Comment: Please don't use this narrator again

（影片）評論： 拜託不要再用這個解說員。

幾乎聽不懂他說的話。

u can barely understand him.

SS: Refresh.

刷新綱頁。

(Video) Comment: Couldn't follow because of the Indian accent.

（影片）評論：沒有辦法 理解他的印度口音。

SS: OK, OK, OK, two things.

好好好，兩件事情需要釐清一下。

Number one, I don't have an Indian accent,

第一：我沒有印度口音，

I have a Pakistani accent, OK?

我有的是巴勒斯坦的，好嗎？

And number two, I clearly have a Pakistani accent.

第二：我有的明明就是巴勒斯坦的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But comments like that kept coming in,

但這樣的評論一直出現，

so I figured I should just ignore them

所以我想我該不於理會，

and start working on the second part of the video.

繼續影片的第二部分。

I recorded my audio,

我錄下我的音頻，

but every time I sat down to edit,

但每當我坐下來剪輯時，

I just could not do it.

我就是做不到。

Every single time, it would take me back to my childhood,

因為這總會讓我回想到我的童年，

when I had a much harder time speaking.

那時與人談話。更為困難。

I've stuttered for as long as I can remember.

自我有記憶以來，我就有口吃的毛病。

I was the kid in class

在班上我總是那個

who would never raise his hand when he had a question --

即使有問題也不舉手問，

or knew the answer.

或知道答案也不回答的孩子。

Every time the phone rang,

每當電話響起，

I would run to the bathroom so I would not have to answer it.

我就跑到浴室去。 這樣我就不用接電話。

If it was for me, my parents would say I'm not around.

若是找我的，我父母會說我不在。

I spent a lot of time in the bathroom.

我在浴室度過了許多時間。

And I hated introducing myself,

我厭惡做自我介紹，

especially in groups.

尤其是在群體裡。

I'd always stutter on my name, and there was usually someone who'd go,

我總結結巴巴的說我的名字； 也總有那一兩個人會問：

"Have you forgotten your name?"

「你忘記了自己的名字嗎？」

And then everybody would laugh.

然後大家都笑成一團。

That joke never got old.

這個笑話永遠不會過時。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I spent my childhood feeling that if I spoke,

我度過童年自覺著，只要我一開口，

it would become obvious that there was something wrong with me,

別人就會很明顯看出我的問題，

that I was not normal.

我的不一樣。

So I mostly stayed quiet.

因此大部分時我總是安安靜靜的。

And so you see, eventually for me to even be able to use my voice in my work

因此，演變到後來，

即使當我在工作上要用我的聲音時，

was a huge step for me.

對我而言都是很大的挑戰。

Every time I record audio,

每次我錄音時，

I fumble my way through saying each sentence many, many times,

我結結巴巴，笨拙地 將每個句子說很多很多次。

and then I go back in

在我檢視時，

and pick the ones where I think I suck the least.

我再挑選出我覺得是最可以的。

(Voice-over) SS: Audio editing is like Photoshop for your voice.

（旁白）剪輯音頻就像是為你的聲音修圖。

I can slow it down, speed it up, make it deeper, add an echo.

我可以將它放慢、加快， 讓它變深沉，或加上回音。

And if I stutter along the way, and if I stutter along the way,

如果我口吃，如果我口吃

I just go back in and fix it.

我只要回頭修飾。

It's magic.

就像變魔法一樣。

SS: Using my highly edited voice in my work

在工作裡，用我高度修飾過的聲音，

was a way for me to finally sound normal to myself.

對我而言，是讓我自己 終於可以聽起來像正常人一樣。

But after the comments on the video,

但在看了影片上的評論後，

it no longer made me feel normal.

這個辦法不管用了。

And so I stopped using my voice in my work.

所以我不再在工作中用我的聲音。

Since then, I've thought a lot about what it means to be normal.

從那時候起，

我開始思考許多有關「正常的定義。」

And I've come to understand

我從而瞭解

that "normal" has a lot to do with expectations.

所謂「正常」其實是與期待息息相關。

Let me give you an example.

舉例而言：

I came across this story

我無意間看到這個

about the Ancient Greek writer, Homer.

有關古希臘作家，荷馬的故事。

Now, Homer mentions very few colors in his writing.

荷馬在他的作品， 很少用到顏色來描繪事物。

And even when he does,

即便他用到時，

he seems to get them quite a bit wrong.

差錯似乎也很大。

For example, the sea is described as wine red,

譬如說，海被形容成酒紅色的，

people's faces are sometimes green and sheep are purple.

人的臉是有時是綠色的， 而羊則是紫色。

But it's not just Homer.

但這不只有荷馬這樣寫，

If you look at all of the ancient literature --

如果你看所有古代文學──

Ancient Chinese, Icelandic, Greek, Indian

古中國的、冰島的、 希臘的、印度的，

and even the original Hebrew Bible --

甚至原始的舊約聖經，

they all mention very few colors.

它們都只用幾種顏色而已。

And the most popular theory for why that might be the case

在眾多解釋中，最被結受的理論認為

is that cultures begin to recognize a color

文化只能在它有能力 製造某種顏色時，

only once they have the ability to make that color.

才能開始辨認那種顏色。

So basically, if you can make a color,

基本上，你要有能力製造那個顏色，

only then can you see it.

才能看得到那顏色。

A color like red, which was fairly easy for many cultures to make --

像紅色這顏色，對許多文化而言， 因為滿容易被製作的，

they began to see that color fairly early on.

在滿早時，許多文化就已認得了。

But a color like blue, which was much harder to make --

但藍色，則因製作比較困難，

many cultures didn't begin to learn how to make that color

許多文化一直到滿晚期時，

until much later.

才開始學習如何製造藍色。

They didn't begin to see it until much later as well.

人們也因此一直到晚期， 才開始認得這個顏色。

So until then, even though a color might be all around them,

在這之前，即便顏色 已存在人們的週遭，

they simply did not have the ability to see it.

因他們沒有能力辨識那個顏色，

It was invisIble.

它等於是無形的。

It was not a part of their normal.

因為它不是所謂常態的一部分。

And that story has helped put my own experience into context.

這個故事幫我 把我的經歷前後連貫起來。

So when I first read the comments on the video,

在我一開始看影片上的評論時，

my initial reaction was to take it all very personally.

我最初的反應是， 把它們看成是人身攻擊。

But the people commenting did not know

但寫評論的人並不知道

how self-conscious I am about my voice.

我對自己的聲音有多難為情。

They were mostly reacting to my accent,

他們大都只是針對我的口音，

that it is not normal for a narrator to have an accent.

因為一個解說員有口音並不尋常。

But what is normal, anyway?

但究竟什麼是「正常」？

We know that reviewers will find more spelling errors in your writing

我們知道，如果評論家 認為你是黑人的話，

他們會在你的寫作中， 找出較多的拼字錯誤。

if they think you're black.

We know that professors are less likely to help female or minority students.

我們知道，教授比較不會幫助 女性或少數民族學生。

And we know that resumes with white-sounding names

我們也知道，履歷表有 聽起來像白人名字的，

get more callbacks than resumes with black-sounding names.

比其他聽起來像黑人的， 有較高的覆試機會。

Why is that?

但為什麼是這樣呢？

Because of our expectations of what is normal.

這是因為我們對所謂「正常」的預期。

We think it is normal

我們認為，

黑人學生有拼字錯誤是正常的。

when a black student has spelling errors.

We think it is normal

我們認為，

女性或少數民族學生失敗是正常的。

when a female or minority student does not succeed.

And we think it is normal

而我們也認為，

白人員工比黑人員工 是較好的雇員選擇。

that a white employee is a better hire than a black employee.

But studies also show that discrimination of this kind,

但研究指出，這種歧見

in most cases, is simply favoritism,

在大部分的案例中， 其實只是偏好的選擇，

and it results more from wanting to help people that you can relate to

這是因為我們較想協助 跟我們有關聯的人，

than the desire to harm people that you can't relate to.

而非源於想傷害 與己無關的人的欲望。

And not relating to people starts at a very early age.

這種偏好選擇， 在我們很小時就開始了。

Let me give you an example.

讓我舉例說明。

One library that keeps track of characters

有一個圖書館每年 都監測兒童圖書中角色，

in the children's book collection every year,

found that in 2014, only about 11 percent of the books

在 2014 年發現，在書中， 只有百分之十一

had a character of color.

是以有色人種為角色。

And just the year before, that number was about eight percent,

在前一年中，甚至只有 百分之八而已，

even though half of American children today come from a minority background.

即使在今天，有一半的美國兒童 是來自少數民族的家庭背景。

Half.

一半！

So there are two big issues here.

所以這引起兩個很大的爭議。

Number one, children are told that they can be anything,

第一個：一方面孩童總被告知， 他們可以當任何人，

they can do anything,

做任何事。

and yet, most stories that children of color consume

但在另一方面， 有色兒童讀到的大部分故事，

are about people who are not like them.

是跟他們不一樣的人。

Number two is that majority groups don't get to realize

第二點：多數民族團體並不瞭解，

the great extent to which they are similar to minorities --

在很多方面，

他們和少數民族團體是很相似的。

our everyday experiences, our hopes,

我們的日常經驗，我們的希望，

our dreams, our fears

我們的夢想，我們的恐懼

and our mutual love for hummus.

及我們的對鷹嘴豆沙共同的熱愛。

It's delicious!

好吃極了！

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Just like the color blue for Ancient Greeks,

就像藍色對古希臘一樣，

minorities are not a part of what we consider normal,

少數群體並非我們所謂 「常態」的一部分。

because normal is simply a construction of what we've been exposed to,

因為所謂「常態」， 只不過是我們已知的構造，

and how visible it is around us.

及它在我們的週遭的明顯度而已。

And this is where things get a bit difficult.

這也是事情變得有點難解的地方。

I can accept the preexisting notion of normal -- that normal is good,

我可以就接受已存在的 「常態」是好的概念；

and anything outside of that very narrow definition of normal is bad.

其他任何在那狹隘定義外的「常態」，

都是不好的。

Or I can challenge that preexisting notion of normal

或者我也可以質疑 這已存在的常態概念，

with my work

用我的工作，

and with my voice

我的聲音，

and with my accent

及我的口音，

and by standing here onstage,

甚至以僅僅站在台上。

even though I'm scared shitless and would rather be in the bathroom.

即使事實上我怕的要死， 寧可躲在浴室裡。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

(Video) Sheep (SS's voice): I'm now slowly starting to use my voice

（影片）綿羊（講員的聲音)： 我又慢慢開始在我的工作用我的聲音。

in my work again.

這感覺很好。

And it feels good.

It does not mean I won't have a breakdown

這不代表，我就不會再崩潰，

the next time a couple dozen people say that I talk

當下次又有若干人說我講話

（含糊不清）像是有花生醬在嘴裡。

(Mumbling) like I have peanut butter in my mouth.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

SS: It just means I now have a much better understanding

這只表示我現在比較能體會

of what's at stake,

牽涉在內的成敗關係，

and how giving up is not an option.

及放棄不是之一的選擇。

The Ancient Greeks didn't just wake up one day and realize

古希臘也不是一天醒來後，

就領悟到天空是藍色的。

that the sky was blue.

It took centuries, even, for humans to realize what we had been ignoring

而是經過好幾世紀，

人類才體會到我們長久以來所忽視的。

for so long.

And so we must continuously challenge our notion of normal,

所以我們必須繼續質問

這所謂常態的概念。

because doing so is going to allow us as a society

因為這樣做，

才能讓身為社會一份子的我們，

to finally see the sky for what it is.

終能看見天空真實的樣子。

(Video) Characters: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

（影片）角色：謝謝。謝謝。 謝謝。謝謝。謝謝。

Frankenstein's monster: (Grunts)

科學怪人：（咕噥）

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

SS: Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）