How working couples can best support each other | The Way We Work, a TED series

Transcriber: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Camille Martínez

It may sound strange to bring up work,

翻译人员: TED Translators Admin 校对人员: Helen Chang

提起工作似乎很奇怪，

but when we fall in love,

但当我们坠入爱河，

we often consider what that love will do to our life,

我们常常思考这份爱情 会如何影响我们的生活，

and our work and careers are a big part of that.

我们的工作和职业是 其中很重要的一部分。

[The Way We Work]

【我们的工作方式】

[Made possible with the support of Dropbox]

【由多宝箱赞助】

All working couples face hard choices,

所有的双职工配偶都会 面对艰难的抉择，

and these can feel like a zero-sum game.

这些选择或许感觉像是零和游戏。

One partner gets offered a job in another city,

某一方获得在另一个城市工作的机会，

so the other needs to leave their job and start over.

因此另一方需要 辞去自己的工作，重新开始。

One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold

某一方承担更多的照看孩子的责任， 搁置自己的事业，

so the other can pursue an exciting promotion.

这样另一方可以获取 激动人心的升职机会。

One gains and one loses.

一方获利，一方受损。

And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied,

有的伴侣对自己做出的决定感到满意，

others regret them bitterly.

有的却苦苦后悔。

What makes the difference?

是什么造成了这个区别呢？

I've spent the last seven years studying working couples,

我花了过去七年研究双职工伴侣，

and I've found that it's not what couples choose,

我发现关键不在于双方选择了什么，

it's how they choose.

而是他们如何做出选择。

Of course, we can't control our circumstances,

当然，我们无法掌控我们的境遇，

nor do we have limitless choices.

我们也没有无穷无尽的选择。

But for those we do,

但对于我们拥有的选择，

how can couples choose well?

伴侣怎样才能妥善地做出选择呢？

First: start early, long before you have something to decide.

首先：尽早开始，远远早于 你需要决定某事的时候。

The moment you're faced with a hard choice,

当你面对一个艰难抉择的时刻，

say, whether one of you should go back to school

比如说你们其中一方 是否应该重返校园，

or take a risky job offer,

或是接受一个有风险的职位，

it's too late.

这就太晚了。

Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on --

妥善抉择的开端是 尽早理解彼此的志向，

aspirations like wanting to start a small business,

比如创立小公司，

live close to extended family,

住得靠近大家庭，

save enough money to buy a house of our own

积攒足够的钱买自己的房子，

or have another child.

或是再生一个孩子之类的志向。

Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing

我们之中很多人度量人生的方式是

对比我们正在做的事和我们的志向。

with our aspirations.

两者差距小的时候，

When the gap is small,

we feel content.

我们感到满足。

When it's large,

两者差距大的时候，

we feel unhappy.

我们感到失落。

And if we're part of a couple,

如果我们处在伴侣关系中，

we place at least some of that blame with our partner.

我们会将至少一部分责任 怪就在自己的伴侣身上。

Set aside time at least twice a year

每年至少设立两次机会 来讨论你们的志向。

to discuss your aspirations.

I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations.

我非常崇尚保留 这些对话的书面记录。

Putting pen to paper with our partners

和我们的伴侣一起 白纸黑字地写下对话内容，

helps us remember each other's aspirations

帮助我们记住对方的志向

and that we're writing the story of our lives together.

并且牢记我们正在 共同写下生命的故事。

Next: eliminate options

下一步：除去那些不支持 你们想要的共同生活的选项。

that don't support the life you want to live together.

You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier.

你们可以在一些简化选项的 界限问题上达成共识。

Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work?

比如说地理界限：你们 想要在哪里生活和工作？

Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible?

时间：每周工作几个小时 能够留出家庭生活？

Travel: How much work travel can you really stand?

出差：你真正能够承受 多少公务出差的时间？

Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy

一旦你们对界限问题达成了共识，

当你们遇到超出界限的机会时， 选择就会变得简单。

when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them.

"I'm not going to interview for that job,

“我不会去面试那个职位，

because we've agreed we don't want to move across country."

因为我们都同意 我们不想搬到国家另一端”。

Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime

或者，“我会减少加班的时间

because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family."

因为我们一致认为 共度更多的家庭时光至关重要”。

Couples who understand each other's aspirations

理解彼此志向 并承诺遵守界限的伴侣

and commit to strong boundaries

can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret.

可以毫不后悔地放弃 看似诱人的机会。

If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries,

如果你面对一个在界限之内的机会，

then what matters is that the choices you make

那关键就是你做出的决定

keep your couple in balance over time,

能让你的伴侣关系长时间保持平衡，

even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations

即使这些决定不能同时 完美地满足双方的志向。

at the same time.

If your choices are mainly driven by one partner

如果你们的决定 主要是由一方伴侣推动，

or support one partner's aspirations more than the other,

或是支持一方的志向多于另一方，

an imbalance of power will develop.

就会发展出不平等的权力。

我发现这种不平等

That imbalance, I've found,

is the reason most working couples who fail do so.

是大多数双职工伴侣失败的原因。

Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop

最终，一方受够了自己作为道具 而非伴侣的角色。

rather than a partner.

To avoid this,

要想避免这种情况发生，

track your decisions over time.

长期追踪你的决定。

Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,

与你的志向和界限不同，

there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make.

没有必要对你做出的每一个决定 都保留详细的记录。

Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel

只要保持公开的对话，

讨论双方感到自己有多少能力 来塑造那些影响你们二人的决定。

to shape decisions that affect you both.

How will you know you've chosen well?

你们如何知道自己 妥善地做出了决定呢？

One common misunderstanding

一个常见的误解是

is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight.

你只能在事后判断决定是否正确。

And maybe it's true we judge life backwards,

就算事实如此，

but we must live it forwards.

生活必须向前。

I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one

我发现事后反思时 认为自己选择妥善的伴侣

did so not just because of the outcome eventually;

这么认为不仅仅是因为最终的结果；

they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple

他们这么认为是因为

他们做出决定时， 他们个人以及双方都得到了力量。

as they made it.

It wasn't what they chose,

这并非因为他们选择了什么，

it was that they were choosing deliberately,

而是他们做决定时深思熟虑，

and that made them feel closer and freer together.

这使他们感到自己在一起时 更加亲密和自由。