How working couples can best support each other | The Way We Work, a TED series

Transcriber: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Camille Martínez

It may sound strange to bring up work,

but when we fall in love,

we often consider what that love will do to our life,

and our work and careers are a big part of that.

[The Way We Work]

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All working couples face hard choices,

and these can feel like a zero-sum game.

One partner gets offered a job in another city,

so the other needs to leave their job and start over.

One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold

so the other can pursue an exciting promotion.

One gains and one loses.

And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied,

others regret them bitterly.

What makes the difference?

I've spent the last seven years studying working couples,

and I've found that it's not what couples choose,

it's how they choose.

Of course, we can't control our circumstances,

nor do we have limitless choices.

But for those we do,

how can couples choose well?

First: start early, long before you have something to decide.

The moment you're faced with a hard choice,

say, whether one of you should go back to school

or take a risky job offer,

it's too late.

Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on --

aspirations like wanting to start a small business,

live close to extended family,

save enough money to buy a house of our own

or have another child.

Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing

with our aspirations.

When the gap is small,

we feel content.

When it's large,

we feel unhappy.

And if we're part of a couple,

we place at least some of that blame with our partner.

Set aside time at least twice a year

to discuss your aspirations.

I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations.

Putting pen to paper with our partners

helps us remember each other's aspirations

and that we're writing the story of our lives together.

Next: eliminate options

that don't support the life you want to live together.

You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier.

Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work?

Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible?

Travel: How much work travel can you really stand?

Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy

when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them.

"I'm not going to interview for that job,

because we've agreed we don't want to move across country."

Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime

because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family."

Couples who understand each other's aspirations

and commit to strong boundaries

can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret.

If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries,

then what matters is that the choices you make

keep your couple in balance over time,

even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations

at the same time.

If your choices are mainly driven by one partner

or support one partner's aspirations more than the other,

an imbalance of power will develop.

That imbalance, I've found,

is the reason most working couples who fail do so.

Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop

rather than a partner.

To avoid this,

track your decisions over time.

Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,

there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make.

Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel

to shape decisions that affect you both.

How will you know you've chosen well?

One common misunderstanding

is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight.

And maybe it's true we judge life backwards,

but we must live it forwards.

I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one

did so not just because of the outcome eventually;

they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple

as they made it.

It wasn't what they chose,

it was that they were choosing deliberately,

and that made them feel closer and freer together.