How working couples can best support each other | The Way We Work, a TED series

Transcriber: TED Translators Admin Reviewer: Camille Martínez

It may sound strange to bring up work,

譯者: C Cheng 審譯者: Amanda Zhu

提及工作也許聽起來很奇怪，

but when we fall in love,

但是當我們墜入愛河時，

we often consider what that love will do to our life,

我們常會考慮到愛情 將對生活產生怎樣的影響，

and our work and careers are a big part of that.

而工作和事業是其中的一大部分。

[The Way We Work]

【工作之道】

[Made possible with the support of Dropbox]

【Dropbox 贊助】

All working couples face hard choices,

所有雙職涯伴侶 都會面臨一些艱難的選擇，

and these can feel like a zero-sum game.

有時像是無法令雙方 都滿足的零和賽局。

One partner gets offered a job in another city,

其中一方在另一座城市找到一份工作，

so the other needs to leave their job and start over.

導致另一方得放棄工作，重新開始。

One partner takes on more childcare and puts their career on hold

一方承擔了更多的育兒責任 並暫時擱置了事業，

so the other can pursue an exciting promotion.

好讓另一方在事業上衝刺。

One gains and one loses.

一得一失。

And while some couples who make these choices are satisfied,

有些伴侶對做出的選擇感到滿意，

others regret them bitterly.

而有些則深感遺憾。

What makes the difference?

什麼造成了這種區別？

I've spent the last seven years studying working couples,

我花了七年的時間研究雙職涯伴侶，

and I've found that it's not what couples choose,

我發現問題不在他們選擇了什麼，

it's how they choose.

而是他們如何選擇。

Of course, we can't control our circumstances,

當然，我們無法掌控客觀條件，

nor do we have limitless choices.

也沒有無限的選擇。

But for those we do,

但是對於那些可以做的選擇，

how can couples choose well?

伴侶們該如何明智地從中取捨呢？

First: start early, long before you have something to decide.

首先，提早開始； 要在面臨抉擇之前早就規劃好。

The moment you're faced with a hard choice,

當你們面臨艱難抉擇的那一刻，

say, whether one of you should go back to school

例如其中一方是否該重返校園，

或是否該接受一份有風險的工作，

or take a risky job offer,

it's too late.

這時候才規劃就太晚了。

Choosing well begins with understanding each other's aspirations early on --

明智的抉擇得從 及早了解彼此的目標開始；

aspirations like wanting to start a small business,

比如，想要創業，

live close to extended family,

與家族成員住得近一些，

save enough money to buy a house of our own

存夠錢來買自己的房子

or have another child.

或是再添一個寶寶。

Many of us measure our lives by comparing what we're doing

將自己的目標和實際發生的狀況做比較

是許多人衡量自己生活滿意度的方式。

with our aspirations.

When the gap is small,

當差距小的時候，

we feel content.

我們就會滿足。

When it's large,

而當差距大的時候，

we feel unhappy.

我們就會不快樂。

And if we're part of a couple,

而且，如果我們有伴侶的話，

we place at least some of that blame with our partner.

我們會把部分責任歸咎於對方。

Set aside time at least twice a year

每年至少安排兩次

to discuss your aspirations.

來討論你們的目標。

I'm a big fan of keeping a written record of these conversations.

我非常喜歡把這些對話用筆記錄下來。

Putting pen to paper with our partners

與伴侶一起動筆記錄

helps us remember each other's aspirations

幫助我們記住彼此的目標，

and that we're writing the story of our lives together.

讓我們一起寫兩人共同生活的故事。

Next: eliminate options

第二，消除無法讓你們達成 共同生活目標的選項。

that don't support the life you want to live together.

You can do this agreeing on boundaries that make hard choices easier.

用雙方同意的限度， 讓艱難的選擇變得容易些。

Boundaries like geography: Where would you like to live and work?

比如在地理上， 你想在哪裡生活與工作？

Time: How many working hours a week will make family life possible?

在時間安排上，每週工作多少時間 才能留給家庭足夠的時間？

Travel: How much work travel can you really stand?

在出差方面，你實際上能承受多少？

Once you've agreed to your boundaries, the choice becomes easy

一旦雙方同意這些限度，

當你面對的事情超出限度，

when faced with an opportunity that falls outside of them.

選擇就變得容易了。

"I'm not going to interview for that job,

「我不會去面試那份工作，

because we've agreed we don't want to move across country."

因為我們已經同意 不搬到那麼遠的地方。」

Or, "I'm going to cut back on my overtime

或者，「我將減少加班時間， 因為我們同意，

because we've agreed it's essential we spend more time together as a family."

擁有更多的家庭共聚的時光更重要。」

Couples who understand each other's aspirations

那些理解彼此目標

and commit to strong boundaries

並堅守雙方限度的伴侶

can let go of seemingly attractive opportunities without regret.

可以放棄看似誘人的機會而不後悔。

If you're faced with an opportunity that falls within your boundaries,

如果機會降臨時 剛好落在你們的限度之內，

then what matters is that the choices you make

那麼重要的是，即使你們所做的選擇

keep your couple in balance over time,

在一時間無法同時滿足雙方的目標，

even if they don't perfectly align with both partners' aspirations

但最終還是能讓雙方保持平衡，

at the same time.

If your choices are mainly driven by one partner

如果你們的選擇主要 由某一方來推動，

or support one partner's aspirations more than the other,

或者比較傾向支持某一方的目標，

an imbalance of power will develop.

那就會出現權力的分配不均。

That imbalance, I've found,

我發現，這種不均衡

is the reason most working couples who fail do so.

是大多數雙職涯伴侶失敗的原因。

Eventually, one gets fed up with being a prop

最終，一方會厭倦一直被當作道具，

rather than a partner.

而不是伴侶。

To avoid this,

為了避免這種情況，

track your decisions over time.

將你們做的決定都記錄下來。

Unlike your aspirations and boundaries,

目標和限度要有詳細的紀錄，

there's no need to keep a detailed record of every decision you make.

但沒有必要詳細記錄 你們所做的每個決定。

Just keep an open conversation going about how able each of you feel

只需堅持開誠佈公地討論，

在做出影響雙方的決定時， 你們覺得各自有多少影響力。

to shape decisions that affect you both.

How will you know you've chosen well?

你怎麼知道自己做了明智的選擇呢？

One common misunderstanding

一種普遍誤解是，

is that you can only know what choice is right in hindsight.

你只有在事後才能知道 是否做了正確的選擇。

And maybe it's true we judge life backwards,

這也許是事實， 我們都是回過頭來檢討生活，

but we must live it forwards.

但是生活必須向前看。

I've found that couples who look back on a choice as a good one

我發現，當伴侶回顧時 覺得自己做對了決定，

did so not just because of the outcome eventually;

他們如此認為， 不僅是由於其最終結果，

they did it because that choice empowered them individually and as a couple

更因為在個人及伴侶層面上，

他們在做那個決定時 都感到自己的重要性。

as they made it.

It wasn't what they chose,

關鍵不是他們選擇了什麼，

it was that they were choosing deliberately,

而是他們慎重地做了選擇。

and that made them feel closer and freer together.

這使他們在一起時， 感到更加親近和自由。