How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

- How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Prevodilac: Ivana Korom Lektor: Milenka Okuka

Koliko je vremena potrebno da se preboli raskid?

The good news is that I've done the research for you.

Dobra vest je da sam obavila istraživanje umesto vas.

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

Loša vest je da vam se odgovor možda neće dopasti.

(upbeat music)

[Da li sam normalan? Sa Monom Šalabi]

See, a few years back,

Vidite, pre nekoliko godina

a number of publications were touting a study,

nekoliko publikacija je promovisalo priču

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks

govoreći čitaocima da je potrebno 11 nedelja da se preboli raskid.

to get over a breakup.

That's nearly three months spent

To je skoro tri meseca provedenih u slušanju depresivne muzike

listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face.

dok se pravite da ste dobro.

It might feel longer than it is,

Možda osećate da je duže,

but it's only a few swipes on a calendar app.

ali to je par strana na kalendaru.

No big deal, right?

Nije strašno, zar ne?

Well, unfortunately it's not so straightforward.

Pa, nažalost, nije tako jednostavno.

See those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

Vidite, ti članci su u velikoj meri pogrešno predstavili tu studiju.

U stvari, ta studija nikad nije rekla

In fact, the study never said anything

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

koliko dugo traje prebolevanje raskida.

It only focused on the after effects

Fokus je bio na efektima prekidanja veze,

of ending a relationship.

Specifically among undergrads,

posebno kod studenata,

which is a whole other can of worms.

što je potpuno druga komplikacija.

To really answer that question of how long it takes

Da bismo stvarno odgovorili na pitanje

to get over a breakup,

koliko je potrebno da se preboli raskid,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

trebalo bi da radimo longitudinalnu studiju

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

koja bi pratila gomilu ljudi

from the moment of their breakup,

od trenutka raskida

and track their progress year, after year, after year.

i pratila njihov napredak godinu za godinom za godinom.

But studies like that are expensive,

Ali takve studije su skupe i komplikovane za izvedbu.

and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

Pa bez odgovarajućih podataka,

I decided to seek professional help.

odlučila sam da potražim profesionalnu pomoć.

I went to Couples Therapist, Dr. Hod Tamir.

Otišla sam kod terapeuta za parove, dr Hoda Tamira.

On ima anegdotskog iskustva sa bezbroj ljudi u vezama

He has anecdotal experience

with countless people in relationships,

and full disclosure, he was my couples therapist too.

i, priznajem, bio je i moj terapeut.

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes

Po njegovom mišljenju, koliko dugo je potrebno da se preboli raskid?

to get over a breakup.

- [Hod] I don't think there is a magic number.

“Mislim da nema magičnog broja...

If we feel like we can express ourselves

Ako osećamo da možemo da izrazimo svoja osećanja,

in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up.

ne moramo sve da držimo u sebi.

Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with,

Kada počnete da radite i druge stvari

and distracted by,

then at some point you look back,

koje vas zaokupljaju i skreću vam pažnju,

and you're like, oh yeah, that's my ex.

u nekom trenutku se osvrnete i mislite, ‘O, da, to je moj bivši.’

Or we broke up,

and you notice that the feelings that you have

Primetite da vaša osećanja više nisu tako osetljiva.

are not as raw.

You can bump into each other, and not feel pain.

Možete da se sretnete i da ne osećate bol.”

- And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

Podaci podržavaju teoriju dr Tamira.

One study looked at different strategies

Jedna studija je izučavala različite strategije regulacije ljubavi.

for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods

Drugim rečima, da li neke jednostavne metode

change how much you love someone?

mogu da promene vaša osećanja prema nekome?

The study found that when participants

Ta studija je pokazala da kad se učesnicima skrenu misli

were distracted into thinking about something

other than their ex,

na nešto drugo osim bivše ljubavi,

like say, their favorite hobby, or ideal career,

na primer na omiljeni hobi ili karijeru,

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

njihova ljubavna osećanja su ostajala ista,

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

ali osećali su se prijatnije.

Using distractions to start to feel better

Skretanje misli da biste se osećali bolje je baš ono što dr Tamir preporučuje.

is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

Ta studija je takođe pokazala da strategija pripisivanja negativnog,

essentially remembering all of the shit things

tj. podsećanje na loše stvari koje je vaš bivši rekao i uradio,

your ex said and did

does decrease love feelings for your ex,

zaista smanjuje ljubavna osećanja.

but it also makes you feel, quote, unpleasant.

Ali takođe čini da se osećate “neprijatno”,

a mislim da to znači tužno.

And I'm guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third more Zen strategy,

Konačno, treća, malo mirnija strategija je pripisivanje ljubavnih osećanja.

known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse over statements,

Za ovo, ispitanici su razmišljali o izjavama kao što je

like love is part of life.

“Ljubav je deo života”

i “u redu je voleti nekoga sa kim više nisam u vezi”.

And it's okay to love someone I'm no longer with.

Mm, yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

Da, to nije ništa promenilo.

Sve u svemu, istraživači su zaključili,

Overall, the research has concluded,

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

i ne koristim se naučnim jezikom sad,

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

da fokusiranje na loše stvari u vezi sa bivšim

can help you to feel less in love,

može da pomogne da osećate manje ljubavi.

while distracting yourself with other subjects,

Dok zamajavanje drugim stvarima,

as my therapist suggested,

kao što je moj terapeut predložio,

can actually make you feel better.

može da učini da se osećate bolje.

However, the research and Dr. Tamir

Međutim, i istraživanje i dr Tamir bi vam oboje rekli

would both tell you that while distraction is good

da, dok je skretanje misli dobro na kraći rok,

in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.

to nije dugotrajno rešenje.

“Obrađivanje i razumevanje tokom vremena

- [Hod] Taking that time to process and understand it

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it.

je u stvari mnogo brži način za izlečenje od ignorisanja.”

- Eventually, for the sake of ourselves,

Konačno, zarad nas i naših budućih partnera,

and our future partners,

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

moraćemo da se suočimo sa svojim osećanjima.

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

Dakle, koliko je vremena potrebno da se preboli raskid?

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know,

Pa, nemamo dovoljno dugoročnih studija da bismo znali.

but more importantly,

Ali što je važnije,

I've learned that instead of counting down the days,

shvatila sam da, umesto brojanja dana,

we're much better off reconnecting

mnogo je bolje da ponovo radimo stvari koje volimo da radimo.

with the things we love to do,

finding something to distract us,

Da nađemo nešto da nam skrene misli

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

i da obradimo svoja osećanja kada smo spremni.

If we can do all that, then one day,

Ako možemo sve to,

onda ćemo jednog dana izaći iz toga osećajući se dobro.

hopefully we'll come out of it feeling okay.

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?

Na kraju, zar nije to upravo ono što želimo?

(upbeat music)