How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

- How long does it take to get over a breakup?

翻译人员: Zizhuo Liang 校对人员: Helen Chang

到底需要多久才能摆脱分手的阴影？

The good news is that I've done the research for you.

好消息是 我已经为你做了研究。

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

坏消息是 你可能不喜欢这个答案。

(upbeat music)

[我正常吗？莫娜·沙拉比]

See, a few years back,

几年前，

a number of publications were touting a study,

许多出版物都在标榜一项研究,

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks

告诉读者人们需要11周 才能摆脱分手的阴影。

to get over a breakup.

That's nearly three months spent

这差不多是三个月时间 一边听苦情歌，

listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face.

一边装出一副勇敢的面孔。

It might feel longer than it is,

这可能令人感觉很长，

but it's only a few swipes on a calendar app.

但实际上也只需 在日历程序上轻扫几下。

No big deal, right?

没什么大不了的，对吧？

Well, unfortunately it's not so straightforward.

不幸的是， 这没那么简单。

See those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

这些文章在很大程度上 歪曲了那项研究。

事实上，这项研究并没有具体说

In fact, the study never said anything

大约需要多长时间才能从 分手的阴影里走出来。

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the after effects

它只专注分析了 结束一段感情的后果，

of ending a relationship.

Specifically among undergrads,

特别是大学生

which is a whole other can of worms.

这个本身就非常复杂的群体。

To really answer that question of how long it takes

要真正回答这个关于

to get over a breakup,

到底需要多久 才能摆脱分手的阴影的问题，

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

你需要做一个纵向研究，

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

这项研究会跟踪大量的人，

from the moment of their breakup,

从他们分手的那一刻起，

and track their progress year, after year, after year.

年复一年地跟踪他们的进展。

But studies like that are expensive,

但这样的研究既昂贵又复杂。

and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

我没有足够的数据，

I decided to seek professional help.

所以我决定寻求专业帮助。

I went to Couples Therapist, Dr. Hod Tamir.

我去找了婚姻心理咨询师 霍德·塔米尔医生。

他有与无数夫妻交往的经历，

He has anecdotal experience

with countless people in relationships,

and full disclosure, he was my couples therapist too.

而且，特别披露， 他也是我的婚姻心理医生。

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes

所以我问他， 摆脱分手的阴影到底需要多久？

to get over a breakup.

- [Hod] I don't think there is a magic number.

“我不认为有什么神奇的数字 可以回答这个问题。

If we feel like we can express ourselves

如果我们觉得我们可以 用自己的感受来表达自己，

in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up.

就不必把它憋在心里。

Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with,

一旦你开始做其他

让你投入并分心的事情，

and distracted by,

then at some point you look back,

然后在某个时候，你回过头来想， ‘哦，是的，那是我的前任。’

and you're like, oh yeah, that's my ex.

Or we broke up,

你会注意到你的感觉 并不像原来那么痛心。

and you notice that the feelings that you have

are not as raw.

You can bump into each other, and not feel pain.

你们可以彼此碰面而不感到疼痛。”

- And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

数据是支持塔米尔医生的理论的。

One study looked at different strategies

一项研究考察了 不同的爱情调节策略。

for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods

换句话说，一些简单的方法 能改变你爱一个人的程度吗？

change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants

研究发现，当参与者分心思考

were distracted into thinking about something

other than their ex,

关于他们前任以外的事，

like say, their favorite hobby, or ideal career,

比如，他们的爱好或理想职业，

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

他们对前妻的感情并没有改变，

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

但这确实让他们感觉更愉快。

Using distractions to start to feel better

利用分心的方法来摆脱分手的痛苦 正是塔米尔医生所建议的。

is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

研究还发现 一种消极的重新评估策略，

essentially remembering all of the shit things

基本上回想所有 你前任说的不堪过往，

your ex said and did

does decrease love feelings for your ex,

会减少你对前任的爱。

but it also makes you feel, quote, unpleasant.

但这也会让你感到“不愉快”

我猜这意味着悲伤。

And I'm guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third more Zen strategy,

最后，第三种更为佛系的策略， 即重新评估爱情感觉。

known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse over statements,

这种策略要求参与者 必须仔细思考以下陈述：

like love is part of life.

“爱是生活的一部分”

还有“爱一个不再和我 在一起的人没关系”。

And it's okay to love someone I'm no longer with.

Mm, yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

是的，这对他们来说没有任何改变。

总的来说，研究人员得出结论，

Overall, the research has concluded,

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

简单来说，

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

专注于你前任做过的不好的事情

can help you to feel less in love,

可以帮助你减少爱的感觉。

while distracting yourself with other subjects,

但用其他话题分散注意力，

as my therapist suggested,

就像我心理治疗师所讲

can actually make you feel better.

实际上可以让你感觉更好。

However, the research and Dr. Tamir

然而，研究和塔米尔博士都会告诉你

would both tell you that while distraction is good

虽然分散注意力 在短期内会有帮助，

in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.

但这并不是长久之计。

“花时间去处理和理解它

- [Hod] Taking that time to process and understand it

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it.

实际上，这是一种 比忽视它更快的治愈方式。”

- Eventually, for the sake of ourselves,

最终，为了我们自己 和我们未来的伙伴，

and our future partners,

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

我们必须正视自己的感受。

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

所以从分手的阴影中走出来 到底需要多久？

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know,

我们没有足够的长期研究 来告诉我们答案。

but more importantly,

但更重要的是，

I've learned that instead of counting down the days,

我学到了与其数日度尽春夏秋冬，

we're much better off reconnecting

不如投身于到我们热爱的事情。

with the things we love to do,

finding something to distract us,

找点东西分散我们的注意力

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

当我们准备好的时， 释放我们的感情。

If we can do all that, then one day,

如果我们能做到这一切，

终有一天我们会走出来的。

hopefully we'll come out of it feeling okay.

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?

最后，这不正是我们想要的吗？

(upbeat music)