How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

- How long does it take to get over a breakup?

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

要花多少時間才能從分手走出來？

The good news is that I've done the research for you.

好消息是，我為你做了研究。

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

壞消息是，你可能 不會喜歡這個答案。

(upbeat music)

〔我正常嗎？〕 〔莫娜查拉比主持〕

See, a few years back,

幾年前，有好幾份刊物 都在宣傳一項研究，

a number of publications were touting a study,

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks

告訴它們的讀者，走出分手 需要十一週的時間。

to get over a breakup.

That's nearly three months spent

也就是要花近三個月，表面 裝勇敢的背後卻在聽消沉的音樂。

listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face.

It might feel longer than it is,

感覺起來可能比實際更長，但 也就是把日曆 APP 滑幾下而已。

but it's only a few swipes on a calendar app.

No big deal, right?

沒什麼大不了的吧？

Well, unfortunately it's not so straightforward.

不幸的是，沒那麼直觀。

See those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

那些文章大大扭曲了那項研究。

事實上，那項研究完全沒有 談到走出分手要多久。

In fact, the study never said anything

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the after effects

它只著重在關係結束 之後的後續效應，

of ending a relationship.

Specifically among undergrads,

對象是針對大學生，

which is a whole other can of worms.

那完全是另一個複雜的問題。

To really answer that question of how long it takes

如果真的要回答 「走出分手需要多久」，

to get over a breakup,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

就得做縱貫性（長期）研究，

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

這種研究基本上 就得要追蹤一大票人，

from the moment of their breakup,

從他們分手時就開始 年復一年地追蹤他們的進展。

and track their progress year, after year, after year.

But studies like that are expensive,

但這種研究在執行上 太昂貴也太複雜。

and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

所以，因為沒有適當的資料，

I decided to seek professional help.

我決定去尋求專業協助。

我去找婚姻諮商師哈德·塔米爾醫生，

I went to Couples Therapist, Dr. Hod Tamir.

他有許多軼事經歷， 知道許多人的關係狀況，

He has anecdotal experience

with countless people in relationships,

and full disclosure, he was my couples therapist too.

不瞞各位，他也是我的婚姻治療師。

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes

我問他，他認為要花多久 才能走出分手。

to get over a breakup.

- [Hod] I don't think there is a magic number.

「我不認為有魔術數字存在……

If we feel like we can express ourselves

如果我們覺得我們能表達出 我們的感覺如何，不用壓抑，

in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up.

Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with,

一旦你能做其他事情， 能讓你投入、讓你分心，

and distracted by,

then at some point you look back,

到某個時點回首時，你會說：

and you're like, oh yeah, that's my ex.

『對，那是我的前任，我們分了。』

Or we broke up,

你會發現你的感受不那麼強烈了。

and you notice that the feelings that you have

are not as raw.

You can bump into each other, and not feel pain.

你巧遇對方時也不會覺得痛苦。」

- And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

而資料也支持塔米爾醫生的理論。

One study looked at different strategies

有一項研究在探討 調節愛意的各種策略，

for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods

也就是在探討能否用些簡單的 方法來改變你有多愛一個人？

change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants

研究發現，當受試者分心 去想前任以外的事，

were distracted into thinking about something

other than their ex,

like say, their favorite hobby, or ideal career,

比如他們最愛的嗜好， 或理想的職涯，

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

他們愛著前任的感受仍然不變，

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

但他們的確感到較愉快。

Using distractions to start to feel better

用分心的方式開始感覺好一點， 這正是塔米爾醫生的建議。

is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

研究也發現，從負面 重新評價的策略，

essentially remembering all of the shit things

也就是去想你的前任 說過的爛話做過的鳥事。

your ex said and did

does decrease love feelings for your ex,

確實會減少你對前任的愛。

but it also makes you feel, quote, unpleasant.

但也會讓你覺得「不愉快」，

我猜，那就是悲傷的意思。

And I'm guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third more Zen strategy,

最後，第三種策略比較禪，

known as reappraisal of love feelings.

就是對愛的感受重新評價。

For this, participants had to muse over statements,

做法是，受試者要冥想 像這樣的陳述：

like love is part of life.

「愛是人生的一部分」以及

And it's okay to love someone I'm no longer with.

「可以愛著沒有在一起的人」。

Mm, yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

這項策略什麼都沒改變。

總的來說，研究者的結論是， 我會避免使用科學術語來說，

Overall, the research has concluded,

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

專注在前任不好的一面，

can help you to feel less in love,

能協助你減少愛的感覺。

while distracting yourself with other subjects,

至於用其他事物讓你分心， 就像我的治療師給的建議，

as my therapist suggested,

can actually make you feel better.

能讓你感覺好一些。

However, the research and Dr. Tamir

然而研究和塔米爾醫生都會告訴你，

would both tell you that while distraction is good

雖然分心是不錯的短期策略，

in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.

卻不是長期的解決方案。

「花時間去處理它、了解它，

- [Hod] Taking that time to process and understand it

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it.

其實是比較快的療癒方式， 比忽略它更好。」

- Eventually, for the sake of ourselves,

最終，為了我們自己 也為了我們未來的伴侶，

and our future partners,

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

我們得要面對我們的感受。

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

所以，要花多少時間才能走出分手？

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know,

我們沒有足夠的 長期研究，無法得知。

but more importantly,

但，更重要的是，

I've learned that instead of counting down the days,

我學到，與其一直算日子，

we're much better off reconnecting

不如重新和我們熱愛的事物 連結，會讓我們更好。

with the things we love to do,

finding something to distract us,

找事情來分心，準備好時 就把感受吐露出來。

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

If we can do all that, then one day,

如果這些都能做到，

那麼，希望有一天，我們能 走出來且感覺還不錯。

hopefully we'll come out of it feeling okay.

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?

畢竟，那不就是我們在追求的嗎？

(upbeat music)