How long does it take to get over a breakup? | Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi

- How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Translator: neysa nasywa Reviewer: Hafizh Alfarisi

Berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati?

The good news is that I've done the research for you.

Kabar baiknya, aku sudah melakukan riset.

Kabar buruknya, kau mungkin tak suka jawabannya.

The bad news is that you might not like the answer.

(upbeat music)

[Apakah Aku Normal? Bersama Mona Chalabi]

See, a few years back,

Beberapa tahun lalu, sebagian publikasi menggembar-gemborkan studi

a number of publications were touting a study,

telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks

tentang dibutuhkannya waktu 11 minggu untuk sembuh dari patah hati.

to get over a breakup.

That's nearly three months spent

Hampir sama dengan tiga bulan mendengarkan lagu sedih

listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face.

sambil menguatkan diri.

Rasanya lebih lama,

It might feel longer than it is,

but it's only a few swipes on a calendar app.

tapi aslinya sebentar jika melihat kalender.

No big deal, right?

Bukan masalah, ’kan?

Well, unfortunately it's not so straightforward.

Sayangnya, sembuh tak semudah yang dibayangkan.

See those articles drastically misrepresented that study.

Artikel-artikel itu sudah salah mengartikan studinya.

Bahkan, studinya sama sekali tak membahas

In fact, the study never said anything

berapa lama kita sembuh dari patah hati, tapi cuma fokus ke efek setelah putus,

about how long it takes to get over a breakup.

It only focused on the after effects

of ending a relationship.

Specifically among undergrads,

khususnya di kalangan mahasiswa, yang justru merumitkan masalah.

which is a whole other can of worms.

To really answer that question of how long it takes

Untuk menjawab pertanyaan

tentang berapa lama kita bisa pulih dari patah hati,

to get over a breakup,

you would need to do a longitudinal study,

kita butuh penelitian longitudinal.

Penelitian ini memantau banyak orang dari waktu mereka putus

a study that would basically follow a ton of people

from the moment of their breakup,

dan mengamati perkembangan mereka dari tahun ke tahun.

and track their progress year, after year, after year.

But studies like that are expensive,

Namun, penelitian longitudinal ini mahal dan sulit dilakukan.

and complicated to carry out.

So with no adequate data,

Tanpa data memadai, aku akhirnya mencari bantuan profesional.

I decided to seek professional help.

Aku bertemu terapis pasangan bernama Dr. Hod Tamir.

I went to Couples Therapist, Dr. Hod Tamir.

Dia telah banyak menangani orang-orang dengan masalah hubungan

He has anecdotal experience

with countless people in relationships,

dan, kalau boleh jujur, dia terapis pasanganku juga.

and full disclosure, he was my couples therapist too.

So I asked him how long he thinks it takes

Aku menanyainya, “Berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati?”

to get over a breakup.

- [Hod] I don't think there is a magic number.

“Menurutku, tak ada angka pastinya.

Jika kita bisa mengungkap apa yang kita rasakan,

If we feel like we can express ourselves

in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up.

kita tidak perlu menahannya.

Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with,

Saat kau melakukan hal yang menyenangkan dan dapat mengalihkan pikiran,

and distracted by,

then at some point you look back,

suatu saat kau ingat kembali dan berkata, ‘Ah, ya. Dia mantanku. Kami putus’

and you're like, oh yeah, that's my ex.

Or we broke up,

Kau pun sadar kalau perasaanmu tak sekuat itu lagi.

and you notice that the feelings that you have

are not as raw.

You can bump into each other, and not feel pain.

Kau bisa berpapasan dengannya dan tidak sakit hati.”

- And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory.

Data itu mendukung teori Dr. Tamir.

One study looked at different strategies

Satu studi mengamati beberapa strategi dalam regulasi cinta.

for love regulation.

In other words, can a few simple methods

Dengan kata lain, bisakah hal-hal kecil mengurangi cintamu ke seseorang?

change how much you love someone?

The study found that when participants

Studi ini menemukan saat perhatian peserta teralih

were distracted into thinking about something

ke sesuatu selain mantan mereka, seperti hobi atau cita-cita mereka,

other than their ex,

like say, their favorite hobby, or ideal career,

rasa cinta ke mantan mereka tetaplah sama.

their love feelings for their ex stayed the same,

but it did make them feel more pleasant.

Namun, pengalihan itu lebih menenteramkan mereka.

Pengalihan untuk menenangkan perasaan ini sama-sama disarankan Dr. Tamir.

Using distractions to start to feel better

is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested.

Studi ini juga mendapati bila strategi penilaian negatif,

The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy,

essentially remembering all of the shit things

yang intinya mengingat semua perlakuan dan ucapan buruk mantanmu,

your ex said and did

does decrease love feelings for your ex,

memang bisa mengurangi cintamu ke mantan.

but it also makes you feel, quote, unpleasant.

Namun, hal itu juga membuatmu merasa “risih”

dan kuanggap maksudnya sedih.

And I'm guessing that means sad.

Finally, a third more Zen strategy,

Terakhir, strategi yang lebih santai, yaitu strategi penilaian kembali cinta.

known as reappraisal of love feelings.

For this, participants had to muse over statements,

Di sini, peserta harus merenungkan pernyataan seperti

like love is part of life.

“Cinta itu bagian kehidupan”

dan “Bukan masalah mencintai seseorang yang tidak denganku lagi.”

And it's okay to love someone I'm no longer with.

Mm, yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.

Ya, pernyataan itu tidak merubah apa pun.

Intinya, para peneliti menyimpulkan, dan aku tidak memakai bahasa ilmiah,

Overall, the research has concluded,

and I'm not using the scientific language here,

that concentrating on the bad things about your ex

bahwa fokus ke hal-hal buruk dari mantan dapat mengurangi rasa cinta kita.

can help you to feel less in love,

while distracting yourself with other subjects,

Sedangkan, mengalihkan dirimu ke hal lain, seperti saran terapisku,

as my therapist suggested,

can actually make you feel better.

dapat membuatmu merasa lebih baik.

However, the research and Dr. Tamir

Namun, riset itu dan Dr. Tamir menyimpulkan

would both tell you that while distraction is good

walaupun distraksi baik untuk jangka pendek,

in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.

itu bukanlah solusi jangka panjang.

“Meluangkan waktu untuk memproses dan memahami

- [Hod] Taking that time to process and understand it

is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it.

daripada mengabaikan patah hati adalah cara tercepat untuk sembuh.”

- Eventually, for the sake of ourselves,

Pada akhirnya, demi diri kita sendiri dan calon pasangan kita,

and our future partners,

we're going to have to face up to our feelings.

kita harus menghadapi perasaan kita.

Jadi, berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati?

So how long does it take to get over a breakup?

Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know,

Masih kurang studi jangka panjang untuk mengetahuinya.

but more importantly,

Namun, yang paling penting,

I've learned that instead of counting down the days,

aku paham kalau daripada menghitung hari,

kita harusnya melakukan lagi hal-hal yang kita sukai.

we're much better off reconnecting

with the things we love to do,

finding something to distract us,

Cari hal yang mengalihkan kita

and unpacking our feelings when we're ready.

dan pahami perasaan kita jika sudah siap.

Bila kita bisa melakukannya, kita akan sembuh dengan sendirinya.

If we can do all that, then one day,

hopefully we'll come out of it feeling okay.

Pada akhirnya, itu yang sungguh kita mau, ’kan?

And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?

(upbeat music)