Say your truths and seek them in others | Elizabeth Lesser

Prevodilac: Lidija Kacar Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

Kao i mnogi,

Like many of us,

I've had several careers in my life,

imala sam nekoliko karijera tokom svog života

and although they've been varied,

i iako su veoma raznolike,

my first job set the foundation for all of them.

moj prvi posao je postavio temelj za svaku od njih.

I was a home-birth midwife throughout my 20s.

U svojim dvadesetim sam bila babica za porođaje kod kuće.

Delivering babies taught me valuable and sometimes surprising things,

Donošenje beba na svet me je naučilo vrednim i ponekad iznenađujućim stvarima,

like how to start a car at 2am.

na primer, kako da upalim auto u 2 ujutru,

when it's 10 degrees below zero.

kada je napolju -10.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Or how to revive a father who's fainted at the sight of blood.

Ili kako da vratim u život oca koji se onesvestio kada je video krv.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Or how to cut the umbilical cord just so,

Ili kako da presečem pupčanu vrpcu

baš onako kako treba da bi bio lep pupak.

to make a beautiful belly button.

But those aren't the things that stuck with me or guided me

Ali to nije ono ključno što pamtim ili što me je vodilo

when I stopped being a midwife and started other jobs.

kada sam prestala da budem babica i počela da radim druge poslove.

What stuck with me was this bedrock belief

Ono što pamtim je temeljno uverenje

that each one of us comes into this world with a unique worth.

da svako od nas na ovaj svet dolazi sa jedinstvenom vrednošću.

When I looked into the face of a newborn,

Kada bih pogledala u lice novorođenčeta,

I caught a glimpse of that worthiness,

uhvatila bih nagoveštaj te vrednosti,

that sense of unapologetic selfhood,

tog ličnog karaktera koji nema razloga da se izvini,

that unique spark.

te jedinstvene iskre.

I use the word "soul" to describe that spark,

Koristim reč „duša“ da opišem tu iskru,

because it's the only word in English that comes close to naming

jer je jedina reč u srpskom jeziku koja je približna tome

što svaka beba donosi na svet.

what each baby brought into the room.

Every newborn was as singular as a snowflake,

Svako novorođenče je jedinstveno poput pahuljice,

a matchless mash-up of biology

neuporediva kombinacija biologije,

and ancestry and mystery.

porodičnog porekla i misterije.

And then that baby grows up,

Onda ta beba poraste,

a da bi se uklopila u porodicu,

and in order to fit into the family,

to conform to the culture,

da bi se prilagodila kulturi,

to the community, to the gender,

zajednici, rodu,

to malo biće počne da prikriva svoju dušu,

that little one begins to cover its soul,

sloj po sloj.

layer by layer.

We're born this way,

Mi smo rođeni takvi,

but --

ali -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But as we grow, a lot of things happen to us

Ali kako odrastamo, dogodi nam se mnogo toga

that make us ...

što nas natera...

want to hide our soulful eccentricities and authenticity.

da želimo da prikrijemo ekscentričnost i autentičnost naše duše.

We've all done this.

Svi smo to radili.

Everyone in this room is a former baby --

Svi u ovoj prostoriji nekada su bili bebe -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

with a distinctive birthright.

sa karakterističnim pravom koje smo dobili na rođenju.

But as adults, we spend so much of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,

Ali kao odrasli, provodimo previše vremena nelagodno se osećajući u sopstvenoj koži,

like we have ADD: authenticity deficit disorder.

kao da imamo PNA: poremećaj nedostatka autentičnosti.

But not those babies --

Ali ne i te bebe -

ne još uvek.

not yet.

Their message to me was:

Njihova poruka meni je bila:

uncover your soul

otkrij svoju dušu

and look for that soul-spark

i potraži tu iskru duše

in everyone else.

u svakome.

Još uvek je tamo.

It's still there.

Evo šta sam naučila tokom porađanja žena.

And here's what I learned from laboring women.

Their message was about staying open,

Njihova poruka je da treba ostati otvoren

even when things are painful.

čak i kada su stvari bolne.

A woman's cervix normally looks like this.

Cerviks žene obično izgleda ovako.

To je čvrst mali mišić

It's a tight little muscle

at the base of the uterus.

na otvoru materice.

And during labor, it has to stretch from this

Tokom porođaja, treba da se proširi od te veličine

to this.

do ove.

Ouch!

Joj!

If you fight against that pain,

Ako se borite protiv tog bola,

you just create more pain,

samo ga povećavate,

i blokirate ono što želi da se rodi.

and you block what wants to be born.

I'll never forget the magic that would happen

Nikada neću zaboraviti magiju koja se događa

when a woman stopped resisting the pain

kada žena prestane da se odupire bolu

and opened.

i otvori se.

It was as if the forces of the universe took notice

Kao da su sile univerzuma primetile šta se dešava

and sent in a wave of help.

i poslale pomoć.

I never forgot that message,

Nikada nisam zaboravila tu poruku,

and now, when difficult or painful things happen to me

i sada, kada mi se teške ili bolne stvari dogode

in my life or my work,

u životu ili na poslu,

of course at first I resist them,

naravno da im se prvo opirem,

but then I remember what I learned from the mothers:

ali onda se setim šta sam naučila od majki:

stay open.

ostani otvoren.

Stay curious.

Ostani radoznao.

Ask the pain what it's come to deliver.

Pitaj bol šta će poroditi.

Nešto novo želi da se rodi.

Something new wants to be born.

And there was one more big soulful lesson,

Bila je još jedna velika duboka lekcija,

and that one I learned from Albert Einstein.

a nju sam naučila od Alberta Ajnštajna.

He wasn't at any of the births, but --

On nije bio ni na jednom od porođaja, ali -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

It was a lesson about time.

To je bila lekcija o vremenu.

At the end of his life, Albert Einstein concluded

Na kraju svog života, Albert Ajnštajn je zaključio

that our normal, hamster-wheel experience of life

da naše uobičajeno iskustvo života, kao hrčaka koji trče na točku,

jeste iluzija.

is an illusion.

We run round and round, faster and faster,

Mi trčimo naokolo, sve brže i brže,

trying to get somewhere.

pokušavajući negde da stignemo.

And all the while,

A sve vreme,

underneath surface time is this whole other dimension

ispod površinskog vremena postoji čitava jedna dimenzija

where the past and the present and the future merge

gde se prošlost, sadašnjost i budućnost spajaju

and become deep time.

i postaju duboko vreme.

And there's nowhere to get to.

Ne postoji mesto na koje treba stići.

Albert Einstein called this state, this dimension,

Albert Ajnštajn je nazvao ovo stanje, ovu dimenziju,

„samo postojanje“.

"only being."

And he said when he experienced it,

Rekao je da je, kada ga je iskusio,

he knew sacred awe.

upoznao sveto strahopoštovanje.

When I was delivering babies,

Kada sam porađala majke,

I was forced off the hamster wheel.

bila sam primorana da siđem sa točka za hrčke.

Sometimes I had to sit for days, hours and hours,

Ponekad sam morala da sedim danima, satima i satima,

just breathing with the parents;

i da samo dišem sa roditeljima;

just being.

samo da postojim.

And I got a big dose of sacred awe.

I ja sam primila veliku dozu svetog strahopoštovanja.

To su tri lekcije koje sam ponela sa sobom iz rada kao babica.

So those are the three lessons I took with me from midwifery.

One: uncover your soul.

Prva: otkrij svoju dušu.

Two: when things get difficult or painful, try to stay open.

Druga: kada stvari postanu teške ili bolne, pokušaj da ostaneš otvoren.

And three: every now and then, step off your hamster wheel

I treća: s vremena na vreme, siđi sa svog točka za hrčke

into deep time.

u duboko vreme.

Those lessons have served me throughout my life,

Te lekcije su mi koristile kroz ceo život,

but they really served me recently,

ali su mi posebno koristile nedavno,

when I took on the most important job of my life thus far.

kada sam preuzela najvažniji posao svog života do sada.

Two years ago, my younger sister came out of remission

Pre dve godine je moja mlađa sestra

izašla iz remisije retkog raka krvi,

from a rare blood cancer,

and the only treatment left for her was a bone marrow transplant.

i jedino lečenje koje joj je preostalo je bila transplantacija koštane srži.

And against the odds, we found a match for her,

Uprkos verovatnoćama, našli smo odgovarajućeg davaoca,

who turned out to be me.

a ispostavilo se da sam to ja.

I come from a family of four girls,

Rođena sam u porodici sa četiri devojke,

i kada su moje sestre saznale da ja genetski savršeno odgovaram,

and when my sisters found out that I was my sister's perfect genetic match,

their reaction was, "Really? You?"

njihova reakcija je bila: „Stvarno? Ti?“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"A perfect match for her?"

„Savršeno joj odgovaraš?“

Which is pretty typical for siblings.

Što je prilično očekivano za sestre.

In a sibling society, there's lots of things.

U sestrinskoj zajednici postoji mnogo stvari.

There's love and there's friendship and there's protection.

Tu je i ljubav, prijateljstvo i zaštita.

But there's also jealousy

Ali su tu i ljubomora,

and competition

takmičenje,

and rejection and attack.

odbacivanje i napad.

In siblinghood, that's where we start assembling many of those first layers

U sestrinstvu počinjemo da prikupljamo mnogo od tih prvih slojeva

that cover our soul.

koji prekrivaju našu dušu.

Kada sam otkrila da odgovaram svojoj sestri,

When I discovered I was my sister's match,

počela sam da istražujem.

I went into research mode.

And I discovered that

I otkrila sam

da je pretpostavka na kojoj počiva transplantacija

the premise of transplants is pretty straightforward.

prilično jednostavna.

You destroy all the bone marrow in the cancer patient

Uništi se sva koštana srž kod pacijenta koji boluje od raka

uz pomoć ogromne doze hemoterapije,

with massive doses of chemotherapy,

and then you replace that marrow

a onda se ta srž zameni

with several million healthy marrow cells from a donor.

sa nekoliko miliona zdravih koštanih ćelija davaoca.

And then you do everything you can

Onda se čini sve moguće

to make sure that those new cells engraft in the patient.

da se omogući da se te nove ćelije prime kod pacijenta.

Takođe sam naučila da transplantacija koštane srži nosi mnogo opasnosti.

I also learned that bone marrow transplants are fraught with danger.

If my sister made it through the near-lethal chemotherapy,

Ako bi moja sestra prošla kroz gotovo smrtnu dozu hemoterapije,

she still would face other challenges.

i dalje bi je čekalo mnogo drugih izazova.

My cells

Moje ćelije

might attack her body.

bi mogle da napadnu njeno telo.

And her body might reject my cells.

Njeno telo bi moglo da odbaci moje ćelije.

They call this rejection or attack,

To nazivaju odbacivanjem ili napadom,

and both could kill her.

a i jedno i drugo bi moglo da je ubije.

Rejection. Attack.

Odbacivanje. Napad.

Te reči su imale poznati prizvuk

Those words had a familiar ring

in the context of being siblings.

u kontekstu sestara.

My sister and I had a long history of love,

Moja sestra i ja smo imale dugu istoriju ljubavi,

but we also had a long history of rejection and attack,

ali smo isto tako imale i dugu istoriju odbacivanja i napada,

from minor misunderstandings to bigger betrayals.

od manjih nesporazuma do većih izdaja.

Nismo imale onu vrstu veze

We didn't have the kind of the relationship

where we talked about the deeper stuff;

gde smo razgovarale o dubljim stvarima;

but, like many siblings and like people in all kinds of relationships,

ali, kao mnoge sestre i kao mnogi ljudi u svim vrstama odnosa,

we were hesitant to tell our truths,

suzdržavale smo se da kažemo svoje istine,

to reveal our wounds,

da otkrijemo svoje rane,

to admit our wrongdoings.

da priznamo svoja nedela.

But when I learned about the dangers of rejection or attack,

Ali kada sam saznala za opasnosti odbacivanja ili napada,

pomislila sam da je vreme da promenimo to.

I thought, it's time to change this.

Šta ako ostavimo transplantaciju koštane srži doktorima,

What if we left the bone marrow transplant up to the doctors,

but did something that we later came to call our "soul marrow transplant?"

ali da uradimo ono što smo kasnije nazvale našom „transplantacijom duševne srži“?

What if we faced any pain we had caused each other,

Šta ako bismo se suočile sa svim bolom koji smo izazvale jedna drugoj,

and instead of rejection or attack,

i umesto da odbacimo ili napadnemo jedna drugu,

could we listen?

da li bismo mogle da se saslušamo?

Could we forgive?

Da li bismo mogle da oprostimo?

Da li bismo mogle da se spojimo?

Could we merge?

Would that teach our cells to do the same?

Da li bi to naučilo naše ćelije da učine isto?

To woo my skeptical sister, I turned to my parents' holy text:

Kako bih ubedila svoju sumnjičavu sestru,

obratila sam se svetom tekstu svojih roditelja:

the New Yorker Magazine.

časopisu Njujorker.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I sent her a cartoon from its pages

Poslala sam joj crtež odatle

as a way of explaining why we should visit a therapist

kako bih joj objasnila zašto treba da posetimo terapeuta

pre nego što doktori prikupe moju srž i presade je u njeno telo.

before having my bone marrow harvested and transplanted into her body.

Here it is.

Evo ga.

"I have never forgiven him for that thing I made up in my head."

„Nikad mu nisam oprostila za tu stvar koju sam izmislila u svojoj glavi.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I told my sister

Rekla sam sestri

we had probably been doing the same thing,

da smo sigurno i mi radile isto to -

carting around made-up stories in our heads that kept us separate.

nosile smo okolo izmišljene priče u svojim glavama koje su nas razdvajale.

And I told her that after the transplant,

Rekla sam joj da, nakon transplantacije,

sva krv koja će teći njenim venama

all of the blood flowing in her veins

would be my blood,

biće moja krv,

made from my marrow cells,

koju su stvorile moje ćelije,

and that inside the nucleus of each of those cells

i da je unutar nukleusa svake od tih ćelija

is a complete set of my DNA.

potpuni sklop moje DNK.

"I will be swimming around in you for the rest of your life,"

„Plivaću u tebi ostatak tvog života“,

I told my slightly horrified sister.

rekla sam svojoj pomalo preplašenoj sestri.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"I think we better clean up our relationship."

„Mislim da je bolje da raščistimo naš odnos.“

Ugroženo zdravlje utiče na to da ljudi čine različite rizične stvari,

A health crisis makes people do all sorts of risky things,

like quitting a job or jumping out of an airplane

kao što je davanje otkaza ili skakanje iz aviona,

and, in the case of my sister,

a u slučaju moje sestre,

saying "yes" to several therapy sessions,

pristanak na nekoliko seansi

during which we got down to the marrow.

tokom kojih smo išle do srži.

We looked at and released years of stories

Posmatrale smo i oslobodile godine priča i pretpostavki

and assumptions about each other

koje smo imale jedna o drugoj,

krivicu i stid,

and blame and shame

until all that was left was love.

sve dok nije preostala samo ljubav.

Ljudi su rekli da sam hrabra

People have said I was brave to undergo the bone marrow harvest,

jer sam se podvrgla prikupljanju koštane srži,

but I don't think so.

ali ja ne mislim tako.

Ono što se meni učinilo hrabrim

What felt brave to me

was that other kind of harvest and transplant,

bila je ta druga vrsta prikupljanja i transplantacije,

the soul marrow transplant,

transplantacija duševne srži,

getting emotionally naked with another human being,

emotivno svlačenje sa drugim ljudskim bićem,

putting aside pride and defensiveness,

ostavljanje po strani ponosa i odbrambenog stava,

lifting the layers

podizanje slojeva

and sharing with each other our vulnerable souls.

i to što smo jedna sa drugom podelile naše ranjive duše.

I called on those midwife lessons:

Pozivala sam se na one lekcije koje sam naučila kao babica:

uncover your soul.

otkrijte svoju dušu.

Open to what's scary and painful.

Otvorite se ka onome što je zastrašujuće i bolno.

Look for the sacred awe.

Tražite sveto strahopoštovanje.

Here I am with my marrow cells after the harvest.

Tu sam sa svojim ćelijama srži nakon njihovog prikupljanja.

Tako to nazivaju - „prikupljanje“,

That's they call it -- "harvest,"

kao da je reč o nekoj vrsti događaja gde seljak prikuplja sa farme -

like it's some kind of bucolic farm-to-table event --

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Which I can assure you it is not.

A uveravam vas da nije tako.

And here is my brave, brave sister

Ovde je moja hrabra sestra

receiving my cells.

kako prima moje ćelije.

After the transplant, we began to spend more and more time together.

Nakon transplantacije, počele smo da provodimo sve više vremena zajedno.

It was as if we were little girls again.

Bilo je to kao da smo iznova postale devojčice.

The past and the present merged.

Prošlost i sadašnjost su se spojile.

We entered deep time.

Ušle smo u duboko vreme.

I left the hamster wheel of work and life

Napustila sam točak za hrčke u životu i u poslu

to join my sister

kako bih se pridružila svojoj sestri

on that lonely island

na tom usamljenom ostrvu

of illness and healing.

bolesti i izlečenja.

We spent months together --

Provele smo mesece zajedno -

in the isolation unit,

na infektivnom odeljenju,

in the hospital and in her home.

u bolnici i u njenoj kući.

Our fast-paced society

Naša zajednica koja živi brzim tempom

does not support or even value this kind of work.

ne podržava niti ceni ovaj vid rada.

We see it as a disruption of real life and important work.

To vidimo kao prekid stvarnog života i važnog posla.

We worry about the emotional drain and the financial cost --

Brinemo o emocionalnoj iscrpljenosti i finansijskim troškovima -

and, yes, there is a financial cost.

i, da, postoji finansijski trošak.

But I was paid

Ali ja sam plaćena

in the kind of currency our culture seems to have forgotten all about.

u valuti koju je naša kultura izgleda zaboravila u potpunosti.

Plaćena sam ljubavlju.

I was paid in love.

I was paid in soul.

Plaćena sam dušom.

I was paid in my sister.

Plaćena sam bliskošću sa svojom sestrom.

My sister said the year after transplant was the best year of her life,

Moja sestra je rekla da je godina nakon transplantacije

najbolja godina njenog života, što je iznenađujuće.

which was surprising.

She suffered so much.

Propatila je mnogo.

But she said life never tasted as sweet,

Ali je rekla da život nikada nije bio slađi

i da je zahvaljujući ogoljavanju duše

and that because of the soul-baring

and the truth-telling we had done with each other,

i tome što smo jedna drugoj rekle istinu,

she became more unapologetically herself

nepomirljivo postala ono što jeste

with everyone.

u odnosu sa svima.

She said things she'd always needed to say.

Rekla je stvari koje je oduvek trebalo da kaže.

She did things she always wanted to do.

Učinila je stvari koje je uvek želela da učini.

The same happened for me.

Isto se dogodilo i meni.

I became braver about being authentic with the people in my life.

Postala sam hrabrija i autentična prema ljudima u svom životu.

I said my truths,

Rekla sam svoje istine,

but more important than that, I sought the truth of others.

ali još važnije od toga, zahtevala sam istinu od drugih.

It wasn't until the final chapter of this story

Tek na kraju ove priče sam shvatila

that I realized just how well midwifery had trained me.

koliko me je dobro posao babice istrenirao.

After that best year of my sister's life,

Nakon te najbolje godine života moje sestre,

rak se burno vratio,

the cancer came roaring back,

and this time there was nothing more the doctors could do.

i ovog puta nije postojalo ništa više što su doktori mogli da urade.

They gave her just a couple of months to live.

Procenili su da će živeti još samo nekoliko meseci.

The night before my sister died,

Noć pre nego što je moja sestra umrla,

sedela sam pored njenog kreveta.

I sat by her bedside.

She was so small and thin.

Bila je tako sitna i mršava.

I could see the blood pulsing in her neck.

Mogla sam da vidim krv kako pulsira u njenom vratu.

It was my blood, her blood, our blood.

Bila je to moja krv, njena krv, naša krv.

When she died, part of me would die, too.

Kada je umrla, deo mene je takođe umro.

I tried to make sense of it all,

Pokušala sam da razumem smisao svega toga,

how becoming one with each other

kako nas je to što smo postale jedno u međusobnom odnosu

učinilo više onim što jesmo,

had made us more ourselves,

onim što suštinski jesmo,

our soul selves,

and how by facing and opening to the pain of our past,

i kako smo se suočavanjem sa bolom iz naše prošlosti i otvaranjem ka njemu

we'd finally been delivered to each other,

konačno predale jedna drugoj,

and how by stepping out of time,

i kako ćemo time što smo iskoračile iz vremena

we would now be connected forever.

sada biti zauvek spojene.

My sister left me with so many things,

Moja sestra me je ostavila sa toliko stvari,

and I'm going to leave you now with just one of them.

a ja ću sada vas da ostavim samo sa jednom od njih.

You don't have to wait for a life-or-death situation

Ne morate da čekate situaciju gde je pitanje života ili smrti

to clean up the relationships that matter to you,

kako biste raščistili odnose koji su vama važni,

to offer the marrow of your soul

da ponudite srž svoje duše

i da je zatražite od drugog.

and to seek it in another.

We can all do this.

Svi to možemo.

We can be like a new kind of first responder,

Svi možemo da budemo nova vrsta službe za pružanje pomoći,

oni koji čine prvi hrabri korak

like the one to take the first courageous step

toward the other,

ka onom drugom,

and to do something or try to do something

i koji čine ili pokušavaju da učini nešto drugo

other than rejection or attack.

osim odbijanja i napada.

We can do this with our siblings

Možemo to da učinimo sa svojom braćom i sestrama,

and our mates

sa svojim partnerima,

sa prijateljima i kolegama.

and our friends and our colleagues.

We can do this with the disconnection

Možemo to da učinimo sa onim od čega smo odvojeni

i sa svim neslaganjem oko nas.

and the discord all around us.

We can do this for the soul of the world.

Možemo to da učinimo za dušu sveta.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)