Say your truths and seek them in others | Elizabeth Lesser

譯者: 易帆 余 審譯者: Ellen Tung

Like many of us,

和大多數人一樣，

I've had several careers in my life,

我這一生做了很多工作，

and although they've been varied,

雖然工作性質很不一樣，

my first job set the foundation for all of them.

但我的第一份工作 奠定了往後工作的基礎。

I was a home-birth midwife throughout my 20s.

我二十幾歲的時候， 從事的是家庭助產士。

Delivering babies taught me valuable and sometimes surprising things,

接生小孩讓我學會了很多 令人驚嘆的事情，

like how to start a car at 2am.

像是如何在凌晨 2 點

when it's 10 degrees below zero.

零下 10 度時發動車子。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Or how to revive a father who's fainted at the sight of blood.

或像是如何叫醒一個 看到血就暈倒的爸爸。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Or how to cut the umbilical cord just so,

或是如何把臍帶剪得剛好，

to make a beautiful belly button.

就為了一個漂亮的肚臍。

But those aren't the things that stuck with me or guided me

但當我不再做助產士， 開始其它工作時，

when I stopped being a midwife and started other jobs.

並不是這些事情 一直陪伴或是指引我。

What stuck with me was this bedrock belief

一直陪伴我的 是這個堅如磐石的信仰：

that each one of us comes into this world with a unique worth.

我們每個人都帶著 獨特的意義來到這個世界。

When I looked into the face of a newborn,

當我看著新生兒的臉蛋時，

I caught a glimpse of that worthiness,

我看見的是那無價、

that sense of unapologetic selfhood,

天真無邪的

that unique spark.

獨特火花。

I use the word "soul" to describe that spark,

我之所以會用「靈魂」 來形容那種火花的原因，

because it's the only word in English that comes close to naming

是因為靈魂是唯一個可以用來形容

新生命初來到世上時的英文字。

what each baby brought into the room.

Every newborn was as singular as a snowflake,

每一個新生命如雪花般的非凡，

a matchless mash-up of biology

一個融合了生物學、

and ancestry and mystery.

血統和神秘的無價小生命。

And then that baby grows up,

然後寶寶長大了，

and in order to fit into the family,

為了融入家庭、

to conform to the culture,

順應文化，

to the community, to the gender,

順應社區，順應性別角色，

that little one begins to cover its soul,

這個小生命會開始

layer by layer.

一層一層地覆蓋上靈魂，

We're born this way,

我們都是這樣長大的，

but --

但……

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But as we grow, a lot of things happen to us

長大後，我們發生了很多事，

that make us ...

讓我們……

want to hide our soulful eccentricities and authenticity.

想隱藏我們搞怪卻又真實的靈魂。

We've all done this.

我們都有這樣做過。

Everyone in this room is a former baby --

這個房間裡的每個人都曾是嬰兒──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

with a distinctive birthright.

有著與眾不同的天賦。

But as adults, we spend so much of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,

但身為成年人的我們，

我們在這層皮囊下， 多數時間都過得不如意，

like we have ADD: authenticity deficit disorder.

彷彿我們有 ADD： 真實性缺陷障礙症。

But not those babies --

但那些嬰兒──

not yet.

還沒有。

Their message to me was:

他們給我的信息是：

uncover your soul

敞開你的靈魂

and look for that soul-spark

並尋找每個人的靈魂火花，

in everyone else.

It's still there.

它依然存在每個人心中。

And here's what I learned from laboring women.

我從產婦那裡學到：

Their message was about staying open,

她們的訊息告訴我， 要保持樂觀開放，

even when things are painful.

即使相當痛苦。

A woman's cervix normally looks like this.

通常女人的子宮頸看起來就像這樣，

It's a tight little muscle

它是子宮底部一塊緊緻的小肌肉，

at the base of the uterus.

And during labor, it has to stretch from this

而當在分娩時，洞會從這麼大，

to this.

擴張大這麼大。

Ouch!

痛啊！

If you fight against that pain,

如果你與疼痛抗爭，

you just create more pain,

你只會更痛，

and you block what wants to be born.

你只會堵住了那躍躍欲出的生命。

I'll never forget the magic that would happen

我永遠忘不了奇蹟發生的那一刻，

when a woman stopped resisting the pain

當產婦停止對痛苦的抵抗，

並張開子宮口時，

and opened.

It was as if the forces of the universe took notice

彷彿宇宙的力量聽到了我們的呼喚，

and sent in a wave of help.

並幫忙推了一把。

I never forgot that message,

我永遠忘不了那訊息，

and now, when difficult or painful things happen to me

現在，當我在生活或工作中

in my life or my work,

遇到困境時，

of course at first I resist them,

一開始我當然會抵抗，

but then I remember what I learned from the mothers:

但之後我就會回想到 從媽媽們那邊學到的：

stay open.

保持開放、

Stay curious.

保持好奇。

Ask the pain what it's come to deliver.

詢問這個痛苦是要傳遞甚麼訊息給我，

Something new wants to be born.

有甚麼新事物要到來。

And there was one more big soulful lesson,

還有更重要的一堂靈魂課程，

and that one I learned from Albert Einstein.

我是從愛因斯坦那邊學到的。

He wasn't at any of the births, but --

他是不懂接生啦，但……

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

It was a lesson about time.

這是一堂與時間有關的課程。

At the end of his life, Albert Einstein concluded

在愛因斯坦去世前，他總結出，

that our normal, hamster-wheel experience of life

我們如倉鼠般平凡忙碌的生活，

is an illusion.

是一種幻覺。

We run round and round, faster and faster,

我們不停的奔跑，越跑越快，

trying to get somewhere.

嘗試著想到達某一個地方，

And all the while,

但回頭一看，

underneath surface time is this whole other dimension

在時間表像的背後，是另一個維度，

where the past and the present and the future merge

是一個過去、現在與未來的結合體，

and become deep time.

它們變成深度時間，

And there's nowhere to get to.

到了那個境界，你哪都不用去了。

Albert Einstein called this state, this dimension,

愛因斯坦稱這種狀態，這種維度為：

"only being."

「原生 」

And he said when he experienced it,

他說，當他切身體會到 「原生」時，

he knew sacred awe.

他感受到無比神聖的敬畏。

When I was delivering babies,

當我在接生嬰兒時，

I was forced off the hamster wheel.

我被迫脫離忙碌的生活。

Sometimes I had to sit for days, hours and hours,

有時候得坐上好幾個小時乃至好幾天，

just breathing with the parents;

僅為了與父母親們一起呼吸；

just being.

迎接「原生」的到來。

And I got a big dose of sacred awe.

這時我就會感受到無比的神聖敬畏。

So those are the three lessons I took with me from midwifery.

所以，這些就是一直陪伴著我的 三堂助產士課程。

One: uncover your soul.

一：敞開你的靈魂。

Two: when things get difficult or painful, try to stay open.

二：當事情變得困難或痛苦時， 盡量保持開放。

And three: every now and then, step off your hamster wheel

三：無論何時， 盡快脫離倉鼠式的忙碌生活，

into deep time.

進入深度時間。

Those lessons have served me throughout my life,

這些課程伴隨了我一生，

but they really served me recently,

但最近它讓我感受最深的

when I took on the most important job of my life thus far.

是在我經歷了 最重要的人生課程的時候。

Two years ago, my younger sister came out of remission

兩年前，我妹妹

from a rare blood cancer,

剛從罕見血癌的緩解期復發，

and the only treatment left for her was a bone marrow transplant.

之後唯一能夠治療她的方法 就只剩骨髓移植。

And against the odds, we found a match for her,

歷經千辛萬苦， 我們找到了符合她配型的人，

who turned out to be me.

結果那個人就是我。

I come from a family of four girls,

我來自四個女生的家庭，

and when my sisters found out that I was my sister's perfect genetic match,

當姊妹們發現 我是我妹的最佳配型時，

their reaction was, "Really? You?"

她們的反應是， 「不會吧？怎麼是你？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"A perfect match for her?"

「她的最佳配型？」

Which is pretty typical for siblings.

這是典型的手足反應。

In a sibling society, there's lots of things.

手足間，有很多故事。

There's love and there's friendship and there's protection.

有愛、有友誼、有保護。

But there's also jealousy

但也有嫉妒

and competition

和競爭，

and rejection and attack.

拒絕和攻擊。

In siblinghood, that's where we start assembling many of those first layers

在手足關係中， 我們開始組成靈魂的層次，

這是覆蓋我們靈魂第一層的地方。

that cover our soul.

When I discovered I was my sister's match,

當我知道我是我妹妹的最佳配型時，

I went into research mode.

我進入了研究模式。

And I discovered that

而我發現

the premise of transplants is pretty straightforward.

移植的原理是很直截了當的。

You destroy all the bone marrow in the cancer patient

你只要用大量的化療 破壞癌症患者的所有骨髓，

with massive doses of chemotherapy,

and then you replace that marrow

以數百萬的健康骨髓細胞

with several million healthy marrow cells from a donor.

替換病患的骨髓即可。

And then you do everything you can

想盡辦法，盡可能的確保

to make sure that those new cells engraft in the patient.

那些新細胞有植入到患者體內。

I also learned that bone marrow transplants are fraught with danger.

我也了解到骨髓移植充滿了危險。

If my sister made it through the near-lethal chemotherapy,

如果我妹度過了 幾近死亡的化療過程，

she still would face other challenges.

她仍然有其它的挑戰需克服。

My cells

我的細胞

might attack her body.

可能會攻擊她的身體。

And her body might reject my cells.

而她的身體可能會拒絕我的細胞。

They call this rejection or attack,

他們稱之為排斥或攻擊，

and both could kill her.

這兩種狀況都可能致死。

Rejection. Attack.

拒絕，攻擊。

Those words had a familiar ring

這些字眼，在手足圈裡，

in the context of being siblings.

是相當司空見慣的。

My sister and I had a long history of love,

我妹和我有一段很長的友愛歷史，

but we also had a long history of rejection and attack,

但我們也有長期互看不爽 和攻擊對方的歷史，

from minor misunderstandings to bigger betrayals.

從小小的誤解到重大的背叛。

We didn't have the kind of the relationship

我們當時根本談不上甚麼

where we talked about the deeper stuff;

更深層的東西；

but, like many siblings and like people in all kinds of relationships,

但，就像很多手足和 其他處與各種關係的人們一樣，

we were hesitant to tell our truths,

彼此之間不好意思說出實話、

to reveal our wounds,

很難互相傾訴痛苦、

to admit our wrongdoings.

不願承認犯過的錯誤。

But when I learned about the dangers of rejection or attack,

但當我了解拒絕或攻擊的危險時，

I thought, it's time to change this.

我在想，是時候要改變了。

What if we left the bone marrow transplant up to the doctors,

我們就讓醫生做骨髓移植手術，

but did something that we later came to call our "soul marrow transplant?"

但我們彼此做 「靈魂的骨髓移植手術」，

What if we faced any pain we had caused each other,

要是我們可以坦然面對 造成對方受傷的事情，

and instead of rejection or attack,

而不是拒絕或攻擊，

could we listen?

我們可以互相傾聽嗎？

Could we forgive?

我們可以原諒彼此嗎？

Could we merge?

我們可以再度結合嗎？

Would that teach our cells to do the same?

這可以讓我們的細胞 也做同樣的事嗎？

To woo my skeptical sister, I turned to my parents' holy text:

為了博取瘦骨如柴妹妹的歡心， 我找上了爸媽拜讀的聖經：

the New Yorker Magazine.

《紐約人雜誌》

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I sent her a cartoon from its pages

我傳送了一張裡面的插圖給她，

as a way of explaining why we should visit a therapist

解釋了一下我們為什麼 要先去找心理諮商，

before having my bone marrow harvested and transplanted into her body.

再收成並移植我的骨髓 到她身體裡面。

Here it is.

就是這一張。

"I have never forgiven him for that thing I made up in my head."

我永遠不會原諒他那件 我自己腦袋瞎掰出來的事。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I told my sister

我告訴我的妹妹，

we had probably been doing the same thing,

我們可能彼此做了同樣的事情，

carting around made-up stories in our heads that kept us separate.

腦海陷入在虛構故事的泥沼裡， 讓彼此斷絕關係。

And I told her that after the transplant,

我告訴她骨髓移植之後，

all of the blood flowing in her veins

所有流動在她靜脈的血液

would be my blood,

將會是從我的骨髓細胞中

made from my marrow cells,

製造出來的血，

and that inside the nucleus of each of those cells

而這些細胞裡的細胞核

is a complete set of my DNA.

都是由我的 DNA 所組成。

"I will be swimming around in you for the rest of your life,"

我向我那有點嚇壞的妹妹說，

I told my slightly horrified sister.

「在你的餘生， 我會在你體內游來游去」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

"I think we better clean up our relationship."

我想我們最好整理一下我們的關係。

A health crisis makes people do all sorts of risky things,

嚴重的健康問題， 可以讓人做出任何冒險的決定，

like quitting a job or jumping out of an airplane

像是辭職或是從飛機上跳下來，

and, in the case of my sister,

而以我妹妹的案例而言，

saying "yes" to several therapy sessions,

就是對諮商治療說「好」，

during which we got down to the marrow.

我們要深刻入骨的敞開。

We looked at and released years of stories

我們回顧並互相坦白 這幾年來發生的事、

and assumptions about each other

彼此間的臆測、責備、

and blame and shame

羞辱，

until all that was left was love.

直到剩下愛。

People have said I was brave to undergo the bone marrow harvest,

大家說我很勇敢，有勇氣去 動骨髓移植的手術，

but I don't think so.

但我不這麼認為。

What felt brave to me

讓我有勇氣的是

was that other kind of harvest and transplant,

另一種移植，

the soul marrow transplant,

一種與另一個人坦白 彼此情感的靈魂骨髓移植，

getting emotionally naked with another human being,

putting aside pride and defensiveness,

一種放下自尊心和防禦心，

lifting the layers

昇華到另一種層次的移植，

and sharing with each other our vulnerable souls.

我們分享彼此脆弱的靈魂。

I called on those midwife lessons:

我回顧了從助產士所學到的這些課程：

uncover your soul.

敞開你的靈魂。

Open to what's scary and painful.

對害怕與痛苦保持樂觀開放。

Look for the sacred awe.

尋找神聖的敬畏。

Here I am with my marrow cells after the harvest.

移植之後，我跟 我的骨髓細胞拍了張照片。

That's they call it -- "harvest,"

他們說，這是收成，

like it's some kind of bucolic farm-to-table event --

有點像把田園菜端上桌的過程──

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Which I can assure you it is not.

但我可以向各位保證，並不是那樣。

And here is my brave, brave sister

這張是我勇敢的妹妹，

receiving my cells.

接收我細胞時的照片。

After the transplant, we began to spend more and more time together.

移植後，我們開始花 越來越多的時間在一起。

It was as if we were little girls again.

我們彷彿又回到了小女孩時代。

The past and the present merged.

過去與現在融合在一起。

We entered deep time.

我們進入到深度時間。

I left the hamster wheel of work and life

我離開了倉鼠式的工作與生活，

to join my sister

來幫助妹妹，

on that lonely island

一起度過疾病和治療的孤單島嶼。

of illness and healing.

We spent months together --

我們在一起好幾個月──

in the isolation unit,

在隔離病房中，

in the hospital and in her home.

在醫院和在她家中。

Our fast-paced society

我們快速節奏的社會

does not support or even value this kind of work.

並不支持或也不重視這樣的工作。

We see it as a disruption of real life and important work.

我們把它視為真實生活中 或重要工作中的絆腳石。

We worry about the emotional drain and the financial cost --

我們擔心情感的枯竭 及金錢上的損失──

and, yes, there is a financial cost.

的確，是有金錢上的付出。

But I was paid

但我是用一種

in the kind of currency our culture seems to have forgotten all about.

我們文化似乎 已經遺忘的金錢來支付的。

I was paid in love.

我是用愛支付的，

I was paid in soul.

我是用靈魂支付的，

I was paid in my sister.

我是用我妹支付的。

My sister said the year after transplant was the best year of her life,

我妹說，在移植後的那一年， 是她生命中最棒的一年，

which was surprising.

這令人驚訝。

She suffered so much.

她這麼痛苦。

But she said life never tasted as sweet,

但她說，生活從沒有那樣甜蜜過，

and that because of the soul-baring

因為我們彼此

and the truth-telling we had done with each other,

敞開靈魂說實話，

she became more unapologetically herself

她面對每個人時，

變得很真實。

with everyone.

She said things she'd always needed to say.

她說出了她一直想說的話。

She did things she always wanted to do.

她做出了她一直想做的事。

The same happened for me.

我也一樣。

I became braver about being authentic with the people in my life.

我在面對生命中的人們時， 變得更加勇敢真誠。

I said my truths,

我說出了我的真理，

but more important than that, I sought the truth of others.

但更重要的是， 我也找到了別人的真理。

It wasn't until the final chapter of this story

直到這個故事的最後一章，

that I realized just how well midwifery had trained me.

我才了解到助產士把我教得多好。

After that best year of my sister's life,

在度過了我妹妹 人生中最棒的那一年後，

the cancer came roaring back,

癌症再度復發，

and this time there was nothing more the doctors could do.

這一回，醫生們也沒轍了，

They gave her just a couple of months to live.

他們告訴她， 她剩下幾個月的時間可活。

The night before my sister died,

在我妹妹去世之前的前一晚，

I sat by her bedside.

我坐在她的床邊。

She was so small and thin.

她是如此的瘦弱，

I could see the blood pulsing in her neck.

我看著她脖子上血的脈動，

It was my blood, her blood, our blood.

流的是我的血、她的血、我們的血。

When she died, part of me would die, too.

當她死了，我生命中的一部分也死了。

I tried to make sense of it all,

我嘗試地去了解整個道理，

how becoming one with each other

如何讓大家融為一體，

had made us more ourselves,

讓我們成為真正的自己，

our soul selves,

擁有真誠的靈魂，

and how by facing and opening to the pain of our past,

如何面對並敞開我們過去的痛苦，

we'd finally been delivered to each other,

讓我們彼此最終能解脫，

and how by stepping out of time,

如何跳脫時間的限制，

we would now be connected forever.

讓我們永遠地連結在一起。

My sister left me with so many things,

我妹留下了很多給我，

and I'm going to leave you now with just one of them.

我想向各位分享其中一件事。

You don't have to wait for a life-or-death situation

你不必非等到生死攸關的盡頭，

to clean up the relationships that matter to you,

才願意釐清對你很重要的人際關係、

to offer the marrow of your soul

才想奉獻你靈魂的骨髓、

and to seek it in another.

才想去尋找另一個靈魂。

We can all do this.

我們每個人都可以辦到。

We can be like a new kind of first responder,

我們要當第一個回應的人，

like the one to take the first courageous step

要當一個可以勇敢踏出第一步

toward the other,

走向另一個人的人，

and to do something or try to do something

並做些事或嘗試做出些事，

other than rejection or attack.

而不是拒絕或攻擊。

We can do this with our siblings

我們可以與我們的手足一起做，

and our mates

與配偶一起做，

and our friends and our colleagues.

還有我們的朋友及同事。

We can do this with the disconnection

我們可以向我們生活周遭

and the discord all around us.

已經沒聯絡或曾經 有過衝突的人這樣做。

We can do this for the soul of the world.

為世界的靈魂我們可以這樣做。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）