Why we get mad -- and why it's healthy | Ryan Martin

Prevodilac: Dragana Savanovic Lektor: Ivana Krivokuća

Alright, so I want you to imagine that you get a text from a friend, and it reads ...

Dobro, hoću da zamislite da ste dobili poruku od prijatelja koja kaže:

"You will NOT believe what just happened. I'm SO MAD right now!"

„NEĆEŠ verovati šta se upravo desilo. Tako sam LJUT sada!“

So you do the dutiful thing as a friend, and you ask for details.

I onda obavite svoju dužnost prijatelja i pitate za detalje.

And they tell you a story about what happened to them

I onda vam ispriča šta se desilo

u teretani ili na poslu ili prošle noći na sastanku.

at the gym or at work or on their date last night.

And you listen and you try to understand why they're so mad.

A vi slušate i pokušavate da razumete zašto je toliko ljut.

Maybe even secretly judge whether or not they should be so mad.

Možda i potajno sudite o tome da li bi trebalo da bude ljut ili ne.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And maybe you even offer some suggestions.

Možda čak date i neke predloge.

Now, in that moment, you are doing essentially what I get to do every day,

U tom trenutku radite u suštini ono što ja radim svakoga dana,

because I'm an anger researcher,

jer ja proučavam bes,

and as an anger researcher, I spend a good part of my professional life --

i kao istraživač provodim dobar deo svog profesionalnog života -

who am I kidding, also my personal life --

ma koga zavaravam, i svog ličnog života -

studying why people get mad.

proučavajući zašto se ljudi ljute.

I study the types of thoughts they have when they get mad,

Proučavam vrste misli koje imaju kada se naljute,

and I even study what they do when they get mad,

čak i šta rade kada se naljute,

bilo da je to tuča ili lomljenje stvari,

whether it's getting into fights or breaking things,

ili čak vikanje na ljude na internetu velikim slovima.

or even yelling at people in all caps on the internet.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

And as you can imagine,

Kao što možete da zamislite,

when people hear I'm an anger researcher,

kada ljudi čuju da proučavam bes,

they want to talk to me about their anger,

oni žele sa mnom da pričaju o svom besu,

they want to share with me their anger stories.

žele sa mnom da podele svoje priče o besu.

And it's not because they need a therapist,

I to ne zato što im je potreban terapeut,

though that does sometimes happen,

iako se i to ponekad dešava,

već zato što je bes univerzalan.

it's really because anger is universal.

To je nešto što svi osećamo i sa čim mogu da se povežu.

It's something we all feel and it's something they can relate to.

Osećamo ga od prvih meseci svog života,

We've been feeling it since the first few months of life,

kada ne dobijemo ono što smo želeli dok protestujemo plačom,

when we didn't get what we wanted in our cries of protests,

things like, "What do you mean you won't pick up the rattle, Dad,

npr: „Kako to misliš, ne želiš da podigneš zvečku, tata,

I want it!"

želim je!“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

We feel it throughout our teenage years, as my mom can certainly attest to with me.

Osećamo ga kao tinejdžeri, o čemu moja mama može sigurno posvedočiti.

Sorry, Mom.

Izvini, mama.

We feel it to the very end.

Osećamo ga do samog kraja.

In fact, anger has been with us at some of the worst moments of our lives.

U stvari, bes je sa nama u nekim od najgorih trenutaka naših života.

It's a natural and expected part of our grief.

To je prirodan i očekivani deo naše tuge.

But it's also been with us in some of the best moments of our lives,

Ali je sa nama i u nekima od najboljih trenutaka naših života,

with those special occasions like weddings and vacations

u specijalnim trenucima kao što su venčanja i odmori

often marred by these everyday frustrations --

koji su često narušeni ovim svakodnevnim frustracijama -

bad weather, travel delays --

loše vreme, odlaganje putovanja -

that feel horrible in the moment,

koji se u tom trenutku čine strašno,

but then are ultimately forgotten when things go OK.

ali se na kraju zaborave kada stvari budu okej.

I have a lot of conversations with people about their anger

Mnogo razgovaram sa ljudima o njihovom besu

and it's through those conversations that I've learned that many people,

i kroz te razgovore sam naučio da mnogi ljudi,

kladim se, i mnogi u ovoj prostoriji sada,

and I bet many people in this room right now,

vide bes kao problem.

you see anger as a problem.

Vidite kako otežava vaš život,

You see the way it interferes in your life,

the way it damages relationships, maybe even the ways it's scary.

kako šteti vezama, možda i na zastrašujuće načine.

And while I get all of that, I see anger a little differently,

Iako razumem sve to, ja vidim bes malo drugačije,

and today, I want to tell you something really important

i danas želim da vam kažem nešto jako važno

about your anger, and it's this:

o vašem besu:

bes je moćna i zdrava sila u vašem životu.

anger is a powerful and healthy force in your life.

It's good that you feel it.

Dobro je što ga osećate.

You need to feel it.

Treba da ga osećate.

But to understand all that, we actually have to back up

Kako bismo razumeli sve to, moramo se vratiti unazad

and talk about why we get mad in the first place.

i popričati o tome zašto se uopšte ljutimo.

A lot of this goes back to the work of an anger researcher

Dosta ovoga se svodi na rad istraživača besa

named Dr. Jerry Deffenbacher, who wrote about this back in 1996

koji se zvao dr Džeri Defenbaker, koji je pisao o ovome još 1996.

in a book chapter on how to deal with problematic anger.

u poglavlju knjige koje se bavi problematičnim besom.

Now, for most of us, and I bet most of you,

Za većinu nas, a kladim se i vas,

it feels as simple as this:

čini se da je ovako jednostavno:

I get mad when I'm provoked.

razljutim se kad me isprovociraju.

You hear it in the language people use.

To čujete u rečniku koji ljudi koriste.

They say things like,

Govore stvari kao što je:

"It makes me so mad when people drive this slow,"

„Toliko me razbesni kada ljudi voze ovako sporo,“

or, "I got mad because she left the milk out again."

ili „Razbesneo sam se jer je opet ostavila mleko van frižidera.“

Or my favorite,

Ili moja omiljena:

"I don't have an anger problem -- people just need to stop messing with me."

„Ja nemam problem sa besom - samo treba da prestanu da me nerviraju.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Now, in the spirit of better understanding those types of provocations,

Kako bismo bolje razumeli ovakve provokacije,

I ask a lot of people, including my friends and colleagues and even family,

pitam mnoge ljude, uključujući svoje prijatelje i kolege, čak i porodicu:

"What are the things that really get to you?

„Koje stvari vas stvarno pogađaju?

Šta vas razljuti?“

What makes you mad?"

By the way, now is a good time to point out one of the advantages

I da, sad je pravo vreme da istaknem da je jedna od prednosti

of being an anger researcher

toga što sam istraživač besa

ta što sam proveo više od decenije sastavljajući obimnu listu

is that I've spent more than a decade generating a comprehensive list

svih stvari koje stvarno nerviraju moje kolege.

of all the things that really irritate my colleagues.

Just in case I need it.

Za slučaj da mi zatreba.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But their answers are fascinating,

Njihovi odgovori su fascinantni,

because they say things like,

jer govore stvari kao što su:

"when my sports team loses,"

„kada izgubi moj tim“,

"people who chew too loudly."

„ljudi koji preglasno žvaću“.

That is surprisingly common, by the way.

Ovo je iznenađujuće često, zapravo.

"People who walk too slowly," that one's mine.

„Ljudi koji hodaju presporo“ - ta je moja.

And of course, "roundabouts."

I naravno „kružni tokovi“.

Roundabouts --

Kružni tokovi -

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I can tell you honestly, there is no rage like roundabout rage.

Iskreno, ništa ne izaziva bes kao kružni tokovi.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Sometimes their answers aren't minor at all.

Ponekada njihovi odgovori uopšte nisu minorni.

Sometimes they talk about racism and sexism and bullying

Ponekad govore o rasizmu, seksizmu, nasilju

and environmental destruction -- big, global problems we all face.

i uništavanju životne sredine - velikim, globalnim problemima svih nas.

But sometimes,

Ali ponekad,

their answers are very specific, maybe even oddly specific.

njihovi odgovori su jako konkretni, možda čak i čudno konkretni.

"That wet line you get across your shirt

„Ona mokra linija koja ostane preko majice

when you accidentally lean against the counter of a public bathroom."

kada se slučajno nagnete preko lavaboa u javnom toaletu.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Super gross, right?

Baš odvratno, je l' da?

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Or "Flash drives: there's only two ways to plug them in,

Ili „USB memorija: postoje samo dva načina da je uključite,

so why does it always take me three tries?"

pa zašto meni uvek trebaju tri pokušaja?“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Now whether it's minor or major, whether it's general or specific,

Bilo da je u pitanju nešto malo ili veliko, uopšteno ili konkretno,

we can look at these examples

možemo posmatrati ove primere

and we can tease out some common themes.

i izvući neke česte teme.

We get angry in situations that are unpleasant,

Razbesnimo se u situacijama koje su neprijatne,

that feel unfair, where our goals are blocked,

koje se čine nepravednim, kada su naši ciljevi blokirani,

that could have been avoided, and that leave us feeling powerless.

koje su mogle da se izbegnu, koje nas čine nemoćnima.

This is a recipe for anger.

To je recept ze bes.

But you can also tell

Ali verovatno znate

that anger is probably not the only thing we're feeling in these situations.

da bes uglavnom nije jedina stvar koju osećamo u ovim situacijama.

Anger doesn't happen in a vacuum.

On se ne događa u vakuumu.

We can feel angry at the same time that we're scared or sad,

Možemo osećati bes zajedno sa strahom ili tugom,

or feeling a host of other emotions.

ili mnogim drugim emocijama.

But here's the thing:

Evo u čemu je stvar:

these provocations -- they aren't making us mad.

ove provokacije - one nas ne razbesne.

At least not on their own,

Bar ne one same po sebi,

and we know that, because if they were,

i to znamo, jer da nas one razbesne,

we'd all get angry over the same things, and we don't.

svi bismo se stalno ljutili zbog istih stvari, a ne ljutimo se.

The reasons I get angry are different than the reasons you get angry,

Razlozi zbog kojih se ja ljutim nisu razlozi zbog kojih se vi ljutite,

so there's got to be something else going on.

tako da tu mora da se dešava nešto drugo.

What is that something else?

A šta je to drugo?

Pa, znamo da je važno šta radimo i osećamo u trenutku provokacije.

Well, we know what we're doing and feeling at the moment of that provocation matters.

We call this the pre-anger state -- are you hungry, are you tired,

Ovo zovemo stanje pred bes - da li ste gladni, umorni,

are you anxious about something else, are you running late for something?

da li ste nervozni zbog nečeg drugog, da li negde kasnite?

When you're feeling those things,

Kada osećate ove stvari,

those provocations feel that much worse.

te provokacije se čine mnogo gorima.

But what matters most is not the provocation,

Ali nije najvažnija provokacija,

it's not the pre-anger state, it's this:

ni stanje pred bes, već ovo:

it's how we interpret that provocation,

kako tumačimo tu provokaciju,

it's how we make sense of it in our lives.

kako je shvatamo u svom životu.

When something happens to us,

Kada nam se nešto desi,

we first decide, is this good or bad?

prvo odlučimo da li je to dobro ili loše.

Is it fair or unfair, is it blameworthy, is it punishable?

Da li je fer ili nije, da li je vredno pripisivanja krivice, da li je kažnjivo?

That's primary appraisal, it's when you evaluate the event itself.

To je primarna procena, kada ocenjujete sam događaj.

We decide what it means in the context of our lives

Odlučujemo šta znači u kontekstu svojih života,

and once we've done that, we decide how bad it is.

a kada to uradimo, odlučujemo koliko je loše.

That's secondary appraisal.

To je sekundarna procena.

We say, "Is this the worst thing that's ever happened,

Pitamo se: „Da li je ovo najgore što se ikada dogodilo,

or can I cope with this?

ili mogu s tim da se nosim?“

Now, to illustrate that, I want you to imagine you are driving somewhere.

Kako bih to ilustrovao, zamislite da se negde vozite.

And before I go any further, I should tell you,

I pre nego što nastavim, trebalo bi da vam kažem,

if I were an evil genius

da sam zli genije

and I wanted to create a situation that was going to make you mad,

i da želim da stvorim situaciju koja će vas razbesneti,

that situation would look a lot like driving.

ona bi dosta podsećala na vožnju.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

It's true.

To je tačno.

You are, by definition, on your way somewhere,

Vi ste, po definiciji, na putu negde,

so everything that happens -- traffic, other drivers, road construction --

pa sve što se dešava - saobraćaj, drugi vozači, radovi na putu -

it feels like it's blocking your goals.

čini se da blokiraju vaše ciljeve.

There are all these written and unwritten rules of the road,

Postoji toliko tih pisanih i nepisanih pravila puta,

and those rules are routinely violated right in front of you,

i ta pravila se stalno krše vama pred nosom,

usually without consequence.

obično bez posledica.

And who's violating those rules?

A ko krši ova pravila?

Anonymous others, people you will never see again,

Drugi anonimusi, ljudi koje nikada više nećete videti,

making them a very easy target for your wrath.

što ih čini lakom metom vašeg gneva.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So you're driving somewhere, thus teed up to be angry,

Dakle, vozite se negde, prema tome, spremni ste da pobesnite,

and the person in front of you is driving well below the speed limit.

a osoba ispred vas vozi dosta ispod dozvoljene brzine.

And it's frustrating

A to je frustrirajuće

because you can't really see why they're driving so slow.

jer ne vidite zašto u stvari vozi tako sporo.

That's primary appraisal.

To je primarna procena.

You've looked at this and you've said it's bad and it's blameworthy.

Sagledali ste ovo i rekli da je loše i da treba nekog okriviti.

But maybe you also decide it's not that big a deal.

Ali možda odlučite da i nije tako strašno.

You're not in a hurry, doesn't matter.

Ne žurite, nije važno.

That's secondary appraisal -- you don't get angry.

To je sekundarna procena - ne ljutite se.

But now imagine you're on your way to a job interview.

A sada zamislite da ste na putu za intervju za posao.

What that person is doing, it hasn't changed, right?

To što ta osoba radi se nije promenilo, zar ne?

So primary appraisal doesn't change; still bad, still blameworthy.

Tako da se primarna procena ne menja; i dalje je loše, i treba nekog okriviti.

But your ability to cope with it sure does.

Ali se vaša sposobnost da se s tim nosite sigurno menja.

Because all of a sudden,

Jer odjednom,

you're going to be late to that job interview.

zakasnićete na taj intervju za posao.

All of a sudden,

Odjednom,

you are not going to get your dream job,

nećete dobiti vaš posao iz snova,

the one that was going to give you piles and piles of money.

onaj koji će vam obezbediti gomile i gomile novca.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Somebody else is going to get your dream job

Neko drugi će dobiti vaš posao iz snova

and you're going to be broke.

i bićete švorc.

You're going to be destitute.

Bićete siromašni.

Might as well stop now, turn around, move in with your parents.

Možete da odmah stanete, okrenete se, vratite se kod roditelja.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Why?

Zašto?

"Because of this person in front of me.

„Zbog ove osobe ispred mene.

This is not a person, this is a monster."

To nije osoba, već čudovište.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And this monster is here just to ruin your life.

I ono je tu samo da vam upropasti život.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Now that thought process,

Taj način razmišljanja

it's called catastrophizing, the one where we make the worst of things.

zove se katastrofiziranje, kada od muve pravimo slona.

And it's one of the primary types of thoughts that we know

I to je jedna od primarnih vrsta misli za koje znamo

da su povezane sa hroničnim besom.

is associated with chronic anger.

But there's a couple of others.

Ali ima i par drugih.

Misattributing causation.

Pogrešna interpretacija uzroka.

Angry people tend to put blame where it doesn't belong.

Besni ljudi često okrivljuju ono što ne treba.

Not just on people,

Ne samo ljude,

but actually inanimate objects as well.

već i nežive objekte.

And if you think that sound ridiculous,

A ako mislite da to zvuči smešno,

setite se kada ste poslednji put izgubili ključeve od auta i rekli:

think about the last time you lost your car keys and you said,

„Gde li su se izgubili?“

"Where did those car keys go?"

Because you know they ran off on their own.

Jer znate da su sami pobegli.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

They tend to overgeneralize, they use words like "always,"

Oni uglavnom generalizuju, koristeći reči kao što su „uvek“,

"never," "every," "this always happens to me,"

„nikad“, „svaki“, „ovo se uvek meni dešava,“

"I never get what I want"

„nikad ne dobijem ono što želim“

or "I hit every stoplight on the way here today."

ili: „Danas sam na putu ovamo nailazio samo na crvena svetla.“

Demandingness: they put their own needs ahead of the needs of others:

Zahtevnost: stavljaju sopstvene potrebe ispred potreba drugih.

"I don't care why this person is driving so slow,

„Ne zanima me zašto vozi tako sporo,

they need to speed up or move over so I can get to this job interview."

mora da ubrza ili da se skloni kako bih mogao da stignem na intervju.“

And finally, inflammatory labeling.

I konačno, razdražljivo etiketiranje.

They call people fools, idiots, monsters,

Zovu ljude budalama, idiotima, čudovištima,

or a whole bunch of things I've been told I'm not allowed to say

ili gomilom stvari koje su mi zabranili da izgovorim tokom ovog TED govora.

during this TED Talk.

(Smeh)

(Laughter)

So for a long time,

Dugo su psiholozi ovo nazivali

psychologists have referred to these as cognitive distortions

kognitivnim distorzijama

or even irrational beliefs.

ili čak iracionalnim verovanjima.

And yeah, sometimes they are irrational.

I da, ponekad jesu iracionalni.

Maybe even most of the time.

Možda čak i uglavnom.

But sometimes, these thoughts are totally rational.

Ali ponekad, ove misli su potpuno racionalne.

There is unfairness in the world.

Ima toliko nepravde na svetu.

There are cruel, selfish people,

Ima okrutnih, sebičnih ljudi,

and it's not only OK to be angry when we're treated poorly,

i ne samo da je okej da se ljutimo kada nas ne tretiraju kako treba,

it's right to be angry when we're treated poorly.

već je to ispravno.

If there's one thing I want you to remember from my talk today, it's this:

Ako postoji jedna stvar koju želim da zapamtite iz mog govora, to je ova:

your anger exists in you as an emotion

vaš bes postoji u vama kao emocija

because it offered your ancestors, both human and nonhuman,

jer je pružio vašim precima, ljudskim i neljudskim,

with an evolutionary advantage.

evolucijsku prednost.

Just as your fear alerts you to danger,

Kao što vas strah upozorava na opasnost,

your anger alerts you to injustice.

bes vas upozorava na nepravdu.

It's one of the ways your brain communicates to you

To je jedan od načina na koje vam vaš mozak govori

that you have had enough.

da vam je dosta.

What's more, it energizes you to confront that injustice.

Štaviše, daje vam snagu da se suprotstavite nepravdi.

Think for a second about the last time you got mad.

Setite se na sekund kada ste se poslednji put razbesneli.

Your heart rate increased.

Otkucaji srca su se ubrzali.

Your breathing increased, you started to sweat.

Disanje se ubrzalo, počeli ste da se znojite.

That's your sympathetic nervous system,

To je vaš simpatički nervni sistem,

inače poznat i kao sistem „bori se ili beži“,

otherwise known as your fight-or-flight system,

koji uskače da vam pruži energiju neophodnu da reagujete.

kicking in to offer you the energy you need to respond.

And that's just the stuff you noticed.

A to je samo ono što primećujete.

At the same time, your digestive system slowed down so you could conserve energy.

U isto vreme, vaš digestivni sistem je usporio kako biste sačuvali energiju.

That's why your mouth went dry.

Zato su vam se usta osušila.

And your blood vessels dilated to get blood to your extremities.

A krvni sudovi su se proširili kako bi sproveli krv do ekstremiteta.

That's why your face went red.

Zato vam je lice pocrvenelo.

It's all part of this complex pattern of physiological experiences

Sve je to deo kompleksnog šablona fizioloških iskustava

that exist today

koja danas postoje

because they helped your ancestors

jer su pomogla vašim precima

deal with cruel and unforgiving forces of nature.

da se nose sa surovim i neumitnim silama prirode.

And the problem is that the thing your ancestors did

Problem je što ono što su vaši preci radili

to deal with their anger,

kako bi se nosili sa besom,

to physically fight,

fizički se borili,

they are no longer reasonable or appropriate.

nije više opravdano ili prikladno.

Ne možete i ne bi trebalo da zamahnete palicom

You can't and you shouldn't swing a club every time you're provoked.

svaki put kad vas isprovociraju.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But here's the good news.

Ali evo dobrih vesti.

You are capable of something

Vi imate sposobnost

your nonhuman ancestors weren't capable of.

koju vaši neljudski preci nisu imali.

And that is the capacity to regulate your emotions.

A to je mogućnost da regulišete svoje emocije.

Even when you want to lash out,

Čak i kada želite da napadnete,

you can stop yourself and you can channel that anger

možete se zaustaviti i preusmeriti taj bes

into something more productive.

na nešto produktivnije.

So often when we talk about anger,

Često kada pričamo o besu,

we talk about how to keep from getting angry.

pričamo o tome kako ga sprečiti.

We tell people to calm down or relax.

Govorimo ljudima da se smire ili opuste.

We even tell people to let it go.

Čak im govorimo i da zaborave.

And all of that assumes that anger is bad and that it's wrong to feel it.

Sve to implicira da je bes loš i da je pogrešno osećati ga.

But instead, I like to think of anger as a motivator.

Umesto toga, ja volim da mislim o besu kao o motivatoru.

The same way your thirst motivates you to get a drink of water,

Isto kao što vas žeđ motiviše da uzmete čašu vode,

the same way your hunger motivates you to get a bite to eat,

ili kao što vas glad motiviše da uzmete par zalogaja,

your anger can motivate you to respond to injustice.

bes vas može motivisati da reagujete na nepravdu.

Because we don't have to think too hard to find things we should be mad about.

Jer ne treba previše da razmišljamo kako bismo našli razloge za bes.

When we go back to the beginning,

Kada se vratimo na početak,

yeah, some of those things, they're silly and not worth getting angry over.

da, neke od tih stvari su blesave i ne vredi se zbog njih ljutiti.

But racism, sexism, bullying, environmental destruction,

Ali rasizam, seksizam, nasilje, uništenje prirodne sredine,

those things are real, those things are terrible,

to su stvarne stvari, strašne stvari,

and the only way to fix them is to get mad first

i jedini način da ih popravite je da se prvo razbesnite

and then channel that anger into fighting back.

i onda preusmerite taj bes na odbranu.

And you don't have to fight back with aggression or hostility or violence.

I ne morate da se branite agresijom, neprijateljstvom ili nasiljem.

There are infinite ways that you can express your anger.

Postoji bezbroj načina na koje možete izraziti svoj bes.

You can protest, you can write letters to the editor,

Možete da protestujete, da pišete pisma uredniku,

you can donate to and volunteer for causes,

možete da donirate ili volontirate,

you can create art, you can create literature,

da stvarate umetnička dela, književna dela,

you can create poetry and music,

da stvarate poeziju i muziku,

you can create a community that cares for one another

možete da stvorite zajednicu koja brine o drugima

and does not allow those atrocities to happen.

i ne dozvoljava da se te strahote dešavaju.

So the next time you feel yourself getting angry,

Sledeći put kada osetite da ćete se razbesneti,

instead of trying to turn it off,

umesto da to potisnete,

I hope you'll listen to what that anger is telling you.

nadam se da ćete poslušati šta vam taj bes govori.

And then I hope you'll channel it into something positive and productive.

I nadam se da ćete ga preusmeriti na nešto pozitivno i produktivno.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)