Why we get mad -- and why it's healthy | Ryan Martin

翻译人员: Yi Qin 校对人员: Jingdan Niu

Alright, so I want you to imagine that you get a text from a friend, and it reads ...

让我们一起想象一下， 如果你的朋友发给你一条短信说，

"You will NOT believe what just happened. I'm SO MAD right now!"

“你不会相信刚刚发生了什么！ 我现在好生气！”

So you do the dutiful thing as a friend, and you ask for details.

所以你尽了作为一个朋友的义务， 询问具体的细节。

And they tell you a story about what happened to them

然后他们告诉了你 他们在健身房，在工作场所

at the gym or at work or on their date last night.

或昨晚的约会上所发生的事情。

And you listen and you try to understand why they're so mad.

你认真聆听，并试图搞清楚 是什么让他们这么生气。

Maybe even secretly judge whether or not they should be so mad.

也许你也在偷偷地评判 他们应不应该这么生气。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

也许你甚至会提供一些建议。

And maybe you even offer some suggestions.

Now, in that moment, you are doing essentially what I get to do every day,

在那个时刻，你们在做的事情 基本是我每天都要做的，

because I'm an anger researcher,

因为我是一个研究愤怒的人，

and as an anger researcher, I spend a good part of my professional life --

作为一个愤怒研究者， 我花费了职业生涯大部分的时间——

who am I kidding, also my personal life --

开什么玩笑， 也是我个人的大部分时间——

studying why people get mad.

来研究人们为什么生气。

I study the types of thoughts they have when they get mad,

我研究了他们生气时的所有想法，

and I even study what they do when they get mad,

我甚至还研究了当他们生气时的行为，

不管是开始打架或者摔东西，

whether it's getting into fights or breaking things,

或者是用全部大写的强调语气 对着网友大骂一通。

or even yelling at people in all caps on the internet.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

And as you can imagine,

所以你可以想象

when people hear I'm an anger researcher,

当人们知道我是一个愤怒研究者时，

they want to talk to me about their anger,

他们想要跟我聊聊他们的愤怒，

他们想要跟我分享他们的愤怒故事。

they want to share with me their anger stories.

这不是因为他们需要一个心理医师，

And it's not because they need a therapist,

虽然有时候的确是这样，

though that does sometimes happen,

但事实上是因为愤怒是普遍的。

it's really because anger is universal.

这是我们都能感觉到 而且都能理解的某种东西。

It's something we all feel and it's something they can relate to.

我们从出生的前几个月 就开始感受到愤怒了，

We've been feeling it since the first few months of life,

就比如当我们在无法得到我们 想要的东西时，我们抗议地哭泣，

when we didn't get what we wanted in our cries of protests,

things like, "What do you mean you won't pick up the rattle, Dad,

就像是说“你为啥不拿拨浪鼓啊老爸？

I want it!"

我要它！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We feel it throughout our teenage years, as my mom can certainly attest to with me.

我们在青少年岁月中一直 在感受它，老妈可以给我作证。

Sorry, Mom.

对不住啦，老妈。

We feel it to the very end.

我们一直到生命的尽头 都一直在感受它。

事实上，愤怒在我们人生中 一些最糟糕的时刻都如影随形。

In fact, anger has been with us at some of the worst moments of our lives.

It's a natural and expected part of our grief.

这是在我们人生中一种 自然且可预见的部分。

But it's also been with us in some of the best moments of our lives,

但是，它在我们人生中某些 最好的时刻也同样如影随形，

with those special occasions like weddings and vacations

比如在婚礼或者假期等特殊场合中

often marred by these everyday frustrations --

通常会被一些时常发生的 意外坏了兴致——

bad weather, travel delays --

比如坏天气，旅途中的延误——

that feel horrible in the moment,

在这些时候我们都感觉很糟糕，

but then are ultimately forgotten when things go OK.

但是这些不愉快的事情 最终总会在事情好转后被忘记。

I have a lot of conversations with people about their anger

我和许多人进行了很多 关于他们的愤怒的谈话，

and it's through those conversations that I've learned that many people,

在这些谈话之中我认识到， 在很多人心里，

我可以打赌，就现在 这个房间中的很多人，

and I bet many people in this room right now,

愤怒被你们看做是一个问题。

you see anger as a problem.

你们认为愤怒干扰了你们的生活，

You see the way it interferes in your life,

the way it damages relationships, maybe even the ways it's scary.

它破坏了人际关系， 甚至可能你们认为它很吓人。

And while I get all of that, I see anger a little differently,

在我理解你们这些观点的同时， 我对愤怒的看法有一点不同，

and today, I want to tell you something really important

今天，我要告诉你们 一些真的很重要的

关乎你们的愤怒的事情，是这样的：

about your anger, and it's this:

愤怒是我们生活中 一种强大而又健康的力量。

anger is a powerful and healthy force in your life.

It's good that you feel it.

你能感觉到它，这很好。

You need to feel it.

你需要去感受它。

But to understand all that, we actually have to back up

但是，若想要完全理解它， 我们需要退一步，

先来谈一谈为什么我们会生气。

and talk about why we get mad in the first place.

A lot of this goes back to the work of an anger researcher

这个话题的很大一部分要 追溯到一位愤怒研究者的著作。

named Dr. Jerry Deffenbacher, who wrote about this back in 1996

Jerry Deffenbacher博士 在1996年写了这本关于愤怒这方面的书，

in a book chapter on how to deal with problematic anger.

在该书的一个章节里面他提到了 如何处理有问题的愤怒。

Now, for most of us, and I bet most of you,

对于我们中的大部分来说，， 我敢打赌你们中的大部分人

it feels as simple as this:

对于愤怒的感觉是这样：

I get mad when I'm provoked.

当我被激怒时，我会变得很生气。

You hear it in the language people use.

你会在人们所用的语言中感受到它。

They say things like,

他们会说这样的话，

"It makes me so mad when people drive this slow,"

“那些人开车开得这么慢， 让我好生气！”

或者说，“我这么生气 是因为她又忘了把牛奶放回冰箱！”

or, "I got mad because she left the milk out again."

Or my favorite,

我最爱这种说法，

“我没有愤怒的问题—— 只希望其他人不要再干预我的事了。”

"I don't have an anger problem -- people just need to stop messing with me."

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now, in the spirit of better understanding those types of provocations,

回到现在，为了更好地理解 这些让人恼怒的类型，

I ask a lot of people, including my friends and colleagues and even family,

我问了很多人，包括 我的朋友，同事，甚至是家人，

“什么事情能真的惹到你？

"What are the things that really get to you?

什么能让你特别生气？”

What makes you mad?"

By the way, now is a good time to point out one of the advantages

顺便说一下，现在是一个很好的时机

来指出作为一名 愤怒研究人员的一个优势，

of being an anger researcher

那就是我花了十多年的时间，

is that I've spent more than a decade generating a comprehensive list

列出了所有真正让 我的同事感到愤怒的事情。

of all the things that really irritate my colleagues.

Just in case I need it.

以防万一我要用到。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But their answers are fascinating,

但他们所给出的答案十分有趣，

because they say things like,

因为他们给出的答案是：

"when my sports team loses,"

“当我喜欢的队伍输了我生气，”

"people who chew too loudly."

“那些人吃饭吧唧嘴让我生气。”

That is surprisingly common, by the way.

顺带一提，这是十分普遍的答案。

"People who walk too slowly," that one's mine.

“那些人走路太慢让我生气”， 这是我的答案。

And of course, "roundabouts."

还有，“说话拐弯抹角让我生气”。

Roundabouts --

拐弯抹角——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I can tell you honestly, there is no rage like roundabout rage.

我可以坦诚的说，世界上没有一种愤怒 比得上对说话拐弯抹角的怒气！

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Sometimes their answers aren't minor at all.

有的时候他们的答案非常重要。

Sometimes they talk about racism and sexism and bullying

有时候他们的答案涉及到 种族歧视，性别歧视和霸凌，

and environmental destruction -- big, global problems we all face.

还有环境破坏——这些都是我们 所要共同面对的全球性重要问题。

But sometimes,

但有时候，

their answers are very specific, maybe even oddly specific.

他们的答案十分详细， 甚至详细得不同寻常。

"That wet line you get across your shirt

“当你一不小心靠在了 公共浴室的柜台上 ，

when you accidentally lean against the counter of a public bathroom."

那条留在你衣服上的水渍 令人十分恼火。”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Super gross, right?

超级恶心，对不对？

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Or "Flash drives: there's only two ways to plug them in,

或者说“ U盘这东西， 只有两种方式插进去，

so why does it always take me three tries?"

为什么它老是要我试三次 才能插进去呢？”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now whether it's minor or major, whether it's general or specific,

无论这些问题重要与否， 不管它详细与否，

we can look at these examples

我们都可以通过研究这些样本

and we can tease out some common themes.

挖掘出一些共同的主题。

We get angry in situations that are unpleasant,

我们在令人不愉快的情况下会生气，

that feel unfair, where our goals are blocked,

在感到不公时，在无法 达到目标的情况下会生气，

that could have been avoided, and that leave us feeling powerless.

尤其是当这些都可以避免， 让我们感觉到无力时我们会生气。

This is a recipe for anger.

这就是愤怒的组成。

But you can also tell

但是你也可以分辨出

that anger is probably not the only thing we're feeling in these situations.

愤怒也许不是我们在这些场景中 所感受到的唯一东西。

Anger doesn't happen in a vacuum.

愤怒不会凭空而来。

我们在感到害怕或者 伤心的同时会感到愤怒，

We can feel angry at the same time that we're scared or sad,

or feeling a host of other emotions.

或者当感受到一大堆其他情绪的同时。

But here's the thing:

但是要注意一点：

these provocations -- they aren't making us mad.

这些刺激其实并不会让我们生气。

At least not on their own,

至少不是唯一的原因，

and we know that, because if they were,

因为我们知道， 如果它们是生气的原因，

we'd all get angry over the same things, and we don't.

我们会一直因为同一件 事情而生气，但是我们并没有。

The reasons I get angry are different than the reasons you get angry,

我生气的理由和你的不同，

so there's got to be something else going on.

所以一定有其它因素在起作用。

What is that something else?

这些因素是什么呢？

在受到刺激的时候， 我们知道自己的行为和想法。

Well, we know what we're doing and feeling at the moment of that provocation matters.

We call this the pre-anger state -- are you hungry, are you tired,

我们将这种状态称作 “预生气状态”——你饿吗？你累吗？

are you anxious about something else, are you running late for something?

你对其他事物感到焦虑吗？ 你快要迟到了吗？

When you're feeling those things,

当你感受到了这些事情的时候，

those provocations feel that much worse.

你会对这些刺激因素感觉更糟糕。

But what matters most is not the provocation,

但是最重要的不是这些挑因素，

it's not the pre-anger state, it's this:

也不是“预生气状态”，而是这个：

it's how we interpret that provocation,

是我们如何去理解这些挑衅，

it's how we make sense of it in our lives.

是我们在生活中如何去理解它。

When something happens to us,

当我们遭遇了一些事情的时候，

we first decide, is this good or bad?

我们首先会思考，这是好事还是坏事？

Is it fair or unfair, is it blameworthy, is it punishable?

这是公平的吗？ 是应该受到谴责和惩罚的吗？

That's primary appraisal, it's when you evaluate the event itself.

当你对这件事本身进行评估时， 这就是最原始的评估。

We decide what it means in the context of our lives

我们基于人生的经历 去理解这件事情的意义，

and once we've done that, we decide how bad it is.

并且只要我们完成这个过程， 就可以定义这件事情糟糕的程度。

That's secondary appraisal.

这是第二级的评估。

We say, "Is this the worst thing that's ever happened,

我们在考虑，“这是 有史以来最糟糕的事情吗？

or can I cope with this?

我可以应付得了吗？”

Now, to illustrate that, I want you to imagine you are driving somewhere.

为了说明这一点，我想让大家 想象一下你正在开车去某个地方。

And before I go any further, I should tell you,

我要先提醒你，

if I were an evil genius

如果我是一个邪恶的天才，

and I wanted to create a situation that was going to make you mad,

而且我想创造一个 能让你恼怒的情境，

that situation would look a lot like driving.

这个情境看起来会和开车很像。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It's true.

这是真的。

You are, by definition, on your way somewhere,

按照假设，你在去某个地方的路上，

so everything that happens -- traffic, other drivers, road construction --

所以在途中所发生的一切—— 堵车，其他司机，道路施工——

it feels like it's blocking your goals.

都像是在阻碍你去往目的地。

There are all these written and unwritten rules of the road,

在路上也有很多明文规定的 或者约定俗成的规矩，

and those rules are routinely violated right in front of you,

但这些规则都经常 在你面前被其他人违反，

违规后通常是没有后果的。

usually without consequence.

And who's violating those rules?

谁在违反规则呢？

Anonymous others, people you will never see again,

不知名的其他人， 你永远不会再见第二次的人，

making them a very easy target for your wrath.

很容易就让他们变成了 你怒气发泄的目标。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So you're driving somewhere, thus teed up to be angry,

所以，如果你正在开车 去某个地方，你会准备变得生气，

and the person in front of you is driving well below the speed limit.

并且在你前面的那个人的 速度远远低于限速。

And it's frustrating

这很让人不满，

because you can't really see why they're driving so slow.

因为你真的不理解 他们为什么开得这么慢。

That's primary appraisal.

这就是初始的评估。

You've looked at this and you've said it's bad and it's blameworthy.

你关注到了这一件事，并且你已经 判断出了这是件坏事，值得被责备。

But maybe you also decide it's not that big a deal.

但你也可能判断这不是那么严重。

You're not in a hurry, doesn't matter.

你不急，没关系。

That's secondary appraisal -- you don't get angry.

这是第二级的评估——你不会生气。

But now imagine you're on your way to a job interview.

但现在想象一下你在 去一个工作面试的路上。

What that person is doing, it hasn't changed, right?

那个人行为并没有发生变化，对吗？

So primary appraisal doesn't change; still bad, still blameworthy.

所以初级评估并没有变化， 还是坏的，还是值得责备的。

But your ability to cope with it sure does.

但是你去应对它的能力一定发生了变化。

Because all of a sudden,

因为突然之间，

you're going to be late to that job interview.

你就要在工作面试中迟到了。

All of a sudden,

突然之间，

you are not going to get your dream job,

你可能得不到自己梦想的工作了，

the one that was going to give you piles and piles of money.

那个能够给你一沓又一沓钱的工作啊。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Somebody else is going to get your dream job

其他人将要拿到这份工作了，

and you're going to be broke.

然后你就要破产了。

You're going to be destitute.

你就要成为穷苦人家了。

Might as well stop now, turn around, move in with your parents.

也许要现在停下来，转身回去， 和你的爸妈一起住。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Why?

为什么呢？

“因为这个在我前面慢慢开的人。

"Because of this person in front of me.

This is not a person, this is a monster."

他不是人啊，是个魔鬼啊！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And this monster is here just to ruin your life.

而且这个怪兽的出现 就是为了毁掉你的生活。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now that thought process,

这个思考的过程

it's called catastrophizing, the one where we make the worst of things.

叫做灾难化，它是我们把事情 做到最糟糕的情况。

And it's one of the primary types of thoughts that we know

并且它是我们所知道的 与长期愤怒联系在一起的

is associated with chronic anger.

主要思考方式之一。

But there's a couple of others.

但还有其他几种类型。

Misattributing causation.

比如，错误归因：

Angry people tend to put blame where it doesn't belong.

愤怒的人们常常责备毫不相关的事情。

Not just on people,

不仅仅是针对人，

but actually inanimate objects as well.

也针对无生命的物体上。

And if you think that sound ridiculous,

如果你觉得这听起来很可笑，

想想上次你丢了 车钥匙的时候，你说

think about the last time you lost your car keys and you said,

“车钥匙滚哪去了？”

"Where did those car keys go?"

Because you know they ran off on their own.

因为你知道它们是自己走丢的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

They tend to overgeneralize, they use words like "always,"

愤怒的人们倾向于过度归纳， 他们用一些像“经常”

"never," "every," "this always happens to me,"

“从不”，“每一次都”， “这永远都发生在我身上”，

"I never get what I want"

“我从来得不到我要的”

or "I hit every stoplight on the way here today."

或者“我今天遇到了路上 所有的红灯！”之类的话。

Demandingness: they put their own needs ahead of the needs of others:

又比如，过度苛责：愤怒的人将他们 自己的需求放在他人需求之前：

"I don't care why this person is driving so slow,

“我不关心这个人为什么开得这么慢，

they need to speed up or move over so I can get to this job interview."

他需要加速或者挪开， 这样我就可以按时参加面试！”

And finally, inflammatory labeling.

最后一个，给人贴使人激怒的标签。

They call people fools, idiots, monsters,

他们叫其他人傻子，蠢货，怪兽，

or a whole bunch of things I've been told I'm not allowed to say

或者一大堆今天在演讲中

我不能公开说的东西。

during this TED Talk.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

So for a long time,

所以，在很长一段时间里，

psychologists have referred to these as cognitive distortions

心理学家把这些称为认知扭曲，

or even irrational beliefs.

或者甚至是不合逻辑的信念。

And yeah, sometimes they are irrational.

的确是啊，他们本身 有时候就是不合逻辑的。

Maybe even most of the time.

也许甚至是大多数时候。

But sometimes, these thoughts are totally rational.

但是有时候，他们的想法 又是完全符合逻辑的。

There is unfairness in the world.

世界上的确有不公平。

There are cruel, selfish people,

的确有残忍的，自私的人，

and it's not only OK to be angry when we're treated poorly,

当我们被恶劣地对待时， 变得生气不仅仅是可以接受的，

it's right to be angry when we're treated poorly.

更是正确的。

If there's one thing I want you to remember from my talk today, it's this:

今天我想让你们记住的就是：

your anger exists in you as an emotion

你的愤怒作为一种情绪存在，

because it offered your ancestors, both human and nonhuman,

因为它为你的祖先—— 不管是人类还是猿人——

with an evolutionary advantage.

提供了一个进化优势。

Just as your fear alerts you to danger,

就像你的害怕让你对 危险保持警惕一样，

your anger alerts you to injustice.

你的愤怒让你对 不公正的情况保持警惕。

It's one of the ways your brain communicates to you

这是你的大脑告诉你，

that you have had enough.

你已经受够了的一种方式。

What's more, it energizes you to confront that injustice.

更重要的是，愤怒激发了 你去对抗这种不公正。

Think for a second about the last time you got mad.

想一想上一次你很生气的时候。

Your heart rate increased.

你的心跳加速。

Your breathing increased, you started to sweat.

你的呼吸加速， 你开始冒汗。

That's your sympathetic nervous system,

这是你的交感神经系统，

又被称为逃跑或战斗反应系统，

otherwise known as your fight-or-flight system,

kicking in to offer you the energy you need to respond.

正在介入来为你提供 在反应时所需要的能量。

And that's just the stuff you noticed.

这些只是你意识到的部分。

At the same time, your digestive system slowed down so you could conserve energy.

与此同时，你的消化系统放缓 来为你储存能量。

That's why your mouth went dry.

这就是为什么你会口干。

你的血管扩张， 将血液输送到你的四肢。

And your blood vessels dilated to get blood to your extremities.

That's why your face went red.

这就是为什么你面红耳赤。

It's all part of this complex pattern of physiological experiences

这些所有生理上的复杂变化

that exist today

延续到了今天，

because they helped your ancestors

因为它们帮助了你的祖先

deal with cruel and unforgiving forces of nature.

去和残酷的、不宜生存的 大自然力量抗争。

And the problem is that the thing your ancestors did

但问题在于，你的祖先为了

to deal with their anger,

应对愤怒以及

to physically fight,

战斗所做的事情，

they are no longer reasonable or appropriate.

这些现在都不再是 合理或者合适的表现。

You can't and you shouldn't swing a club every time you're provoked.

你不能而且也不应该在每一次 被挑衅的时候都强烈反击。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But here's the good news.

但是好消息是，

You are capable of something

你能做到

your nonhuman ancestors weren't capable of.

某些祖先做不到的某些事情。

And that is the capacity to regulate your emotions.

这就是管理你情绪的能力。

Even when you want to lash out,

就算你想要咆哮的时候，

you can stop yourself and you can channel that anger

你也可以让自己停下来， 并且将愤怒转换成

into something more productive.

更有成效的东西。

So often when we talk about anger,

所以当我们谈到愤怒的时候，

we talk about how to keep from getting angry.

我们总是讲如何防止生气。

We tell people to calm down or relax.

我们告诉其他人要冷静，放松。

We even tell people to let it go.

我们甚至告诉他们要学会放手。

And all of that assumes that anger is bad and that it's wrong to feel it.

这些都建立在愤怒是不好的， 我们不应该去感受到它的假设上。

But instead, I like to think of anger as a motivator.

其实不然，我倾向于 把愤怒想作一种动力。

The same way your thirst motivates you to get a drink of water,

就像你觉得口渴 是你去喝水的动力，

the same way your hunger motivates you to get a bite to eat,

就像你感觉到饿 是你去吃东西的动力，

your anger can motivate you to respond to injustice.

你的愤怒是你对 不正义做出反应的动力。

Because we don't have to think too hard to find things we should be mad about.

正因为我们不用太费神 去找到让我们生气的东西。

When we go back to the beginning,

回到开始的话题，

yeah, some of those things, they're silly and not worth getting angry over.

的确，有些事情实在是太傻了， 不值得我们去生气。

But racism, sexism, bullying, environmental destruction,

但是种族歧视，性别歧视， 霸凌，环境破坏，

those things are real, those things are terrible,

这些事情是真实存在的， 也是是很可怕的，

and the only way to fix them is to get mad first

想要解决它们的唯一办法， 首先就是要生气，

and then channel that anger into fighting back.

然后将这种愤怒转化为回击的力量。

And you don't have to fight back with aggression or hostility or violence.

并且，你不需要带着侵略性， 敌对性或者暴力去回击。

There are infinite ways that you can express your anger.

有很多办法来让你表达愤怒。

You can protest, you can write letters to the editor,

你可以上街游行， 你可以写信给新闻社编辑，

you can donate to and volunteer for causes,

你可以捐赠并为这个事业做志愿服务，

you can create art, you can create literature,

你可以创作艺术， 你可以创作文学作品，

you can create poetry and music,

你可以创作音乐与诗歌，

you can create a community that cares for one another

你可以创造一个互相关照的社区，

and does not allow those atrocities to happen.

不允许这些暴行发生。

So the next time you feel yourself getting angry,

所以，下一次你感觉到你自己在生气时，

instead of trying to turn it off,

与其尝试平息愤怒，

I hope you'll listen to what that anger is telling you.

不如让我们一起倾听， 你的愤怒在告诉你什么。

And then I hope you'll channel it into something positive and productive.

我希望大家能把这愤怒转换成 一些积极的，有生产力的情绪。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）