Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost

Translator: Enara Caride Reviewer: Xosé María Moreno

What is a parent?

Que é un pai?

What is a parent?

Que é un pai?

It's not an easy question.

Non é unha pregunta sinxela.

Today we have adoption,

Hoxe en día temos adopción,

stepfamilies,

familias adoptivas,

surrogate mothers.

nais subrogadas.

Many parents face tough questions

Moitos pais enfrontan preguntas difíciles

and tough decisions.

e decisións difíciles.

Shall we tell our child about the sperm donation?

Deberiamos falarlles aos nosos fillos da doazón de esperma?

If so, when?

E se o imos facer, cando?

What words to use?

Que palabras empregaríamos?

Sperm donors are often referred to as "biological fathers,"

Referímonos a miúdo aos doantes de esperma como "pais biolóxicos",

but should we really be using the word "father?"

mais, deberiamos empregar realmente o termo "pai"?

As a philosopher and social scientist,

Como filósofa e socióloga,

I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood.

estudei acerca destas cuestións con respecto á paternidade.

But today, I will talk to you about what I learned

Mais hoxe vou falar do que aprendín

from talking to parents and children.

falando con pais e fillos.

I will show you that they know what matters most in a family,

Mostrareivos que saben que é o máis importante nunha familia,

even though their family looks a little different.

aínda que a súa familia sexa un tanto diferente.

I will show you their creative ways of dealing with tough questions.

Mostrareivos a forma tan creativa que empregan para tratar preguntas difíciles.

But I will also show you the parents' uncertainties.

Pero tamén vos ensinarei as dúbidas destes pais.

We interviewed couples

Entrevistamos parellas

who received fertility treatment at Ghent University Hospital,

que recibiran tratamentos de fertilidade no Ghent University Hospital,

using sperm from a donor.

empregando o esperma dun doante.

In this treatment timeline,

Durante o tempo de tratamento

you can see two points at which we conducted interviews.

pódense ver dous puntos, nos cales levamos a cabo as entrevistas.

We included heterosexual couples,

Incluímos parellas heterosexuais,

where the man for some reason did not have good-quality sperm,

nas que por algunha razón o home non tiña unha boa calidade de esperma,

and lesbian couples who obviously needed to find sperm elsewhere.

e parellas de mulleres que obviamente precisaban esperma doutra persoa.

We also included children.

Tamén incluímos os fillos.

I wanted to know

Quería saber

how those children define concepts like parenthood and family.

como eses nenos definían conceptos coma paternidade ou familia.

In fact, that is what I asked them,

De feito, iso foi o que lles preguntei,

only not in that way.

só que non deste xeito.

I drew an apple tree instead.

No seu lugar debuxei unha maceira.

This way, I could ask abstract, philosophical questions

Deste xeito, puiden preguntar de forma abstracta preguntas filosóficas

in a way that did not make them run off.

sen facer que escapasen correndo.

So as you can see,

Como poden ver,

the apple tree is empty.

a maceira está baleira.

And that illustrates my research approach.

E ilustra así o enfoque da miña investigación.

By designing techniques like this,

Deseñando técnicas coma esta,

I can bring as little meaning and content as possible to the interview,

podo darlle o menor significado e contido posible á entrevista,

because I want to hear that from them.

porque quero que sexan eles quen o digan.

I asked them:

Pregunteilles:

What would your family look like if it were an apple tree?

Como sería a túa familia se fose unha maceira?

And they could take a paper apple for everyone who, in their view,

E podían coller un papel cunha mazá para cada persoa que, segundo eles,

was a member of the family,

era un membro da familia,

write a name on it and hang it wherever they wanted.

escribir un nome nel e colgalo onde quixesen.

And I would ask questions.

Entón eu faría unha serie de preguntas.

Most children started with a parent or a sibling.

Moitos nenos comezaron cun dos pais ou cos irmáns.

One started with "Boxer,"

Un comezou con "Boxer",

the dead dog of his grandparents.

o can falecido dos seus avós.

At this point, none of the children started mentioning the donor.

En ningún momento os nenos comezaron mencionando o doante.

So, I asked them about their birth story.

Así que lles preguntei acerca do seu nacemento.

I said, "Before you were born,

Dixen, "Antes de nacer vós,

it was just your mom and dad,

só estaban os vosos pais e nais,

or mom and mommy.

ou mami e papi.

Can you tell me how you came into the family?"

Podédesme dicir como chegastes á familia?"

And they explained.

E eles explicáronmo.

One said,

Un dixo,

"My parents did not have good seeds,

"Os meus pais non tiñan boas sementes,

but there are friendly men out there who have spare seeds.

mais existen homes amables que teñen sementes de reposto.

They bring them to the hospital,

Entón lévanas ao hospital,

and they put them in a big jar.

e déixanas nun gran tarro.

My mommy went there,

Miña nai foi alí

and she took two from the jar,

e colleu dúas sementes,

one for me and one for my sister.

unha para min e outra para a miña irmá.

She put the seeds in her belly --

Puxo as sementes na barriga

somehow --

-- dalgún xeito --

and her belly grew really big,

e esta medrou moitísimo,

and there I was."

e de aí saín eu."

Hmm.

Mmm.

So only when they started mentioning the donor,

Unicamente cando nomearon ao doante

I asked questions about him, using their own words.

foi cando lles fixen preguntas acerca del, coas súas propias palabras.

I said,

Dixen,

"If this would be an apple for the friendly man with the seeds,

"Se esta fose unha mazá para o agradable home das sementes,

what would you do with it?"

que farías con ela?"

And one boy was thinking out loud,

Un dos nenos estaba a barallar en alto,

holding the apple.

coa mazá na man.

And he said,

E dixo,

"I won't put this one up there with the others.

"Non poría esta mazá co resto das que están na maceira.

He's not part of my family.

El non é parte da miña familia.

But I will not put him on the ground.

Mais tampouco o deixaría no chan.

That's too cold and too hard.

Sería moi frío e duro.

I think he should be in the trunk,

Penso que debería estar no tronco,

because he made my family possible.

porque fixo a miña familia posible.

If he would not have done this,

Se non fixese isto,

that would really be sad because my family would not be here,

sería unha mágoa, porque a miña familia non estaría aquí,

and I would not be here."

e tampouco eu."

So also, parents constructed family tales --

Do mesmo xeito, os pais ideaban contos familiares --

tales to tell their children.

contos para contarlles aos fillos.

One couple explained their insemination

Unha parella explicou a súa inseminación

by taking their children to a farm

levando aos seus fillos a unha granxa

to watch a vet inseminate cows.

para que visen como un veterinario inseminaba vacas.

And why not?

E por que non?

It's their way of explaining;

É o seu xeito de explicalo:

their do-it-yourself with family narratives.

o seu "Fágao vostede mesmo" con historias familiares.

DIY.

DIY. ("Do It Yourself")

And we had another couple who made books --

E hai outra parella que fixo libros

a book for each child.

-- un para cada fillo.

They were really works of art

Eran verdadeiras obras de arte

containing their thoughts and feelings throughout the treatment.

que contiñan todo aquilo que pensaron e sentiron durante o tratamento.

They even had the hospital parking tickets in there.

Incluso tiñan os tickets do parking do hospital.

So it is DIY:

Isto é DIY:

finding ways, words and images

achar formas, palabras e imaxes

to tell your family story to your child.

coas que contarlle a historia familiar ao teu fillo.

And these stories were highly diverse,

E estas historias foron moi diversas,

but they all had one thing in common:

mais todas gardan algo en común:

it was a tale of longing for a child

que eran contos que falaban do desexo de ter un fillo,

and a quest for that child.

da busca dese fillo.

It was about how special and how deeply loved their child was.

Falaban acerca do especial e profundamente amado que foi ese fillo.

And research so far shows that these children are doing fine.

As últimas investigacións mostran que estes nenos desenvólvense correctamente.

They do not have more problems than other kids.

Non teñen máis problemas ca os demais nenos.

Yet, these parents also wanted to justify their decisions

Ademais, estes pais tamén buscaban xustificar as súas decisións

through the tales they tell.

a través destes contos.

They hoped that their children would understand their reasons

Esperaban que os seus fillos entendesen os motivos que os levaron

for making the family in this way.

a formar unha familia deste xeito.

Underlying was a fear that their children might disapprove

Existía neles un medo subxacente de que os seus fillos puidesen estar en desacordo

and would reject the non-genetic parent.

e rexeitasen o pai co que non tiñan relación xenética.

And that fear is understandable,

E este é un medo comprensible,

because we live in a very heteronormative

xa que vivimos nunha sociedade heteronormativa

and geneticized society --

e xenetizada --

a world that still believes

nun mundo que aínda cre

that true families consist of one mom, one dad

que as verdadeiras familias consisten nunha nai, un pai

and their genetically related children.

e uns fillos cos que se mantén unha relación xenética.

Well.

Ben.

I want to tell you about a teenage boy.

Quero falarvos dun rapaz adolescente.

He was donor-conceived but not part of our study.

Foi concebido mediante doazón, mais non foi parte do noso estudo.

One day, he had an argument with his father,

Un día, tivo unha discusión co seu pai,

and he yelled,

e berroulle,

"You're telling me what to do?

"Estasme a dicir o que teño que facer?

You're not even my father!"

Ti, nin sequera es meu pai!"

That was exactly what the parents in our study feared.

Iso era precisamente o que os pais do noso estudo temían.

Now, the boy soon felt sorry, and they made up.

O rapaz axiña se sentiu mal polas suás palabras, e reconciliáronse.

But it is the reaction of his father that is most interesting.

Mais foi a reacción do pai o que resulta máis interesante.

He said,

El dixo,

"This outburst had nothing to do with the lack of a genetic link.

"Esta arroutada non ten nada que ver coa falta dun vínculo xenético.

It was about puberty --

Foi a causa da puberdade --

being difficult.

que é difícil.

It's what they do at that age.

É o que fan a esa idade.

It will pass."

Pasará."

What this man shows us

O que este home nos está a ensinar

is that when something goes wrong,

é que cando algo vai mal

we should not immediately think

non deberiamos pensar de inmediato

it is because the family is a little different.

que é porque a familia é un tanto distinta.

These things happen in all families.

Estas cousas pasan en todas as familias.

And every now and then,

E de agora en adiante,

all parents may wonder:

todos os pais deberían preguntarse:

Am I a good enough parent?

Son bo pai abondo?

These parents, too.

Estes pais tamén.

They, above all, wanted to do what's best for their child.

Eles, por riba de todo, querían facer o que era mellor para o seu fillo.

But they also sometimes wondered:

Mais algunhas veces tamén se preguntaban:

Am I a real parent?

Son un verdadeiro pai?

And their uncertainties were present long before they even were parents.

E as súas dúbidas estaban presentes moito antes de ser pais.

At the start of treatment,

No inicio do tratamento,

when they first saw the counselor,

cando viron por primeira vez o terapeuta,

they paid close attention to the counselor,

prestáronlle moita atención,

because they wanted to do it right.

porque querían facelo ben.

Even 10 years later,

Incluso 10 anos despois,

they still remember the advice they were given.

seguen recordando os consellos que recibiran.

So when they thought about the counselor

De modo que cando pensaron no conselleiro

and the advice they were given,

e nos consellos que recibiran,

we discussed that.

falamos acerca diso.

And we saw one lesbian couple who said,

Unha das parellas lesbianas dixo,

"When our son asks us,

"Cando o noso fillo pregunte,

'Do I have a dad?'

'Teño un pai?'

we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.'

nós dirémoslle 'Non, non tes pai.'

But we will say nothing more, not unless he asks,

E non diremos nada máis, a menos que el pregunte,

because he might not be ready for that.

porque quizais non estea preparado para iso.

The counselor said so."

Foi o que dixo o terapeuta."

Well.

Ben.

I don't know; that's quite different

Non sei; isto é bastante distinto

from how we respond to children's questions.

de como adoitamos responder ás preguntas dos nenos.

Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?"

Como, "O leite faise nunha fábrica?"

We will say, "No, it comes from cows,"

Entón diremos, "Non, vén das vacas,"

and we will talk about the farmer,

e falaremos do granxeiro,

and the way the milk ends up in the shop.

e a maneira en que o leite remata nunha tenda.

We will not say,

Non responderíamos,

"No, milk is not made in a factory."

"Non, o leite non se fai nas fábricas."

So something strange happened here,

Algo estraño sucedeu aquí,

and of course these children noticed that.

e, por suposto, eses nenos percíbeno.

One boy said,

Un neno dixo,

"I asked my parents loads of questions,

"Fíxenlles aos meus pais moreas de preguntas,

but they acted really weird.

pero actuaron moi raro.

So, you know, I have a friend at school, and she's made in the same way.

A unha amiga miña da escola fixérona do mesmo xeito.

When I have a question, I just go and ask her."

Así que, cando teño unha pregunta, só teño que falar con ela."

Clever guy.

Rapaz espelido.

Problem solved.

Problema resolto.

But his parents did not notice,

Mais os seus pais non o notaron,

and it certainly was not what they had in mind,

e dende logo non era iso o que eles tiñan en mente,

nor what the counselor had in mind

nin o que o terapeuta tiña en mente

when they were saying how important it is to be an open-communication family.

cando lles dixo o importante que era ser unha familia comunicativa e aberta.

And that's the strange thing about advice.

E isto é o estraño dos consellos.

When we offer people pills, we gather evidence first.

Cando receitamos medidamentos antes recollemos probas.

We do tests,

Facemos tests,

we do follow-up studies.

facemos estudos de seguimento.

We want to know, and rightly so, what this pill is doing

Queremos saber, e ben, que é o que fai ese medicamento

and how it affects people's lives.

e como afecta á vida das persoas.

And advice?

E os consellos?

It is not enough for advice,

Non abonda para o asesoramento,

or for professionals to give advice that is theoretically sound,

ou para os profesionais que os dan, que estes sexan teoricamente sensatos,

or well-meant.

ou ben intencionados.

It should be advice that there is evidence for --

Os consellos deberían darse en función da evidencia

evidence that it actually improves patients' lives.

-- evidencia de que, en efecto, mellora a vida dos pacientes.

So the philosopher in me would now like to offer you a paradox:

A filósofa que hai en min querería ofrecervos un paradoxo:

I advise you to stop following advice.

Aconséllovos parar de seguir os consellos.

But, yes.

Pero, si.

(Applause)

(Aplausos)

I will not end here with what went wrong;

Non vou rematar aquí co que saíu mal;

I would not be doing justice to the warmth we found in those families.

non lle faría xustiza á amabilidade que atopamos nesas familias.

Remember the books and the trip to the farmer?

Lembrades os libros e a viaxe ata o granxeiro?

When parents do things that work for them,

Cando os pais fan cousas que funcionan para eles,

they do brilliant things.

fan cousas magníficas.

What I want you to remember as members of families,

O que quero que lembredes como membros de familias,

in no matter what form or shape,

non importa de que forma ou tamaño,

is that what families need are warm relationships.

é que o que as familias precisan son relacións de cariño.

And we do not need to be professionals to create those.

E non temos que ser profesionais para crealas.

Most of us do just fine,

Moitos de nós facémolo ben,

although it may be hard work,

aínda que pode resultar difícil,

and from time to time, we can do with some advice.

e de cando en vez, facémolo con algún consello.

In that case,

Nese caso,

bear in mind three things.

tede en conta tres cousas.

Work with advice that works for your family.

Traballa co asesoramento axeitado para a túa familia.

Remember -- you're the expert, because you live your family life.

Lembrade -- sodes os expertos, porque vivides a vosa vida familiar.

And finally,

E finalmente,

believe in your abilities and your creativity,

crede nas vosas habilidades e creatividade,

because you can do it yourself.

porque podedes facelo.

Thank you.

Grazas.

(Applause)

(Aplauso)