Lemn Sissay: A child of the state

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

譯者: Shih-han Huang 審譯者: Marssi Draw

Having spent 18 years as a child of the state

我受國家監護18年

in children's homes and foster care,

住在育幼院和寄養家庭

you could say that I'm an expert on the subject,

所以我可以說是這個主題的專家

and in being an expert, I want to let you know that

就因為我是專家，我想告訴各位

being an expert does in no way make you right

專家不見得是對的

in light of the truth.

這一點我們有證據顯示

If you're in care, legally the government is your

如果你受監護，政府就是爸媽

parent, loco parentis.

也就是法定監護人

Margaret Thatcher was my mother. (Laughter)

所以柴契爾夫人就是我老媽（笑聲）

Let's not talk about breastfeeding. (Laughter)

不要問我她有沒有餵我母奶（笑聲）

Harry Potter was a foster child.

哈利波特是寄養兒童

Pip from "Great Expectations" was adopted;

《遠大前程》的皮普是養子

Superman was a foster child;

超人是寄養兒童

Cinderella was a foster child;

灰姑娘是寄養兒童

Lisbeth Salander, the girl with the dragon tattoo,

龍紋身的女孩莎蘭德

was fostered and institutionalized;

住過寄養家庭和精神病院

Batman was orphaned;

蝙蝠俠是無依兒童

Lyra Belacqua from Philip Pullman's "Northern Lights"

普曼寫的《黃金羅盤》中

was fostered;

萊拉被寄養

Jane Eyre, adopted;

簡愛被領養

Roald Dahl's James from "James and the Giant Peach;"

羅德．達爾《怪桃歷險記》的主人翁詹姆斯 和另一部故事主角瑪蒂達

Matilda; Moses -- Moses! (Laughter)

還有摩西，沒錯，摩西！（笑聲）

Moses! (Laughter) --

是先知摩西耶！（笑聲）

the boys in Michael Morpurgo's "Friend or Foe;"

麥克．莫波格《是敵是友》書中的男生

Alem in Benjamin Zephaniah's "Refugee Boy;"

班傑明．澤凡尼《難民男孩》裡的阿列

Luke Skywalker --

天行者路克

Luke Skywalker! (Laughter) --

《星際大戰》的天行者路克！（笑聲）

Oliver Twist;

《孤雛淚》的奧利佛

Cassia in "The Concubine of Shanghai" by Hong Ying;

虹影《上海王》的筱月桂

Celie in Alice Walker's "The Color Purple."

愛麗絲．華克《紫色姐妹花》的世蘭

All of these great fictional characters, all of them

以上所有的偉大小說人物，每一位

who were hurt by their condition,

都受生長環境所傷害

all of them who spawned thousands of other books

他們為上千本書和電影

and other films, all of them

帶來靈感與啟發

were fostered, adopted or orphaned.

他們都被寄養、收養，或是成為無依兒童

It seems that writers know that the child

作家似乎了解，沒有家庭溫暖的小孩

outside of family reflects on what family truly is

最能反映家庭的本質

more than what it promotes itself to be.

比家庭自我投射的形象更真實

That is, they also use extraordinary skills

這些小孩用過人的能力

to deal with extraordinary situations on a daily basis.

天天與逆境纏鬥

How have we not made the connection?

我們怎麼還看不清其中的關聯呢？

And why have we not made the connection, between

我們為什麼還看不清

— How has that happened? —

怎麼會這樣？

between these incredible characters of popular culture

這些流行文化與宗教中的非凡人物

and religions, and the fostered, adopted or orphaned child

跟寄養兒童、養子女或無依兒童的關聯？

in our midst? It's not our pity that they need.

他們需要的不是我們的同情

It's our respect.

而是尊重

I know famous musicians,

我認識一些知名音樂家

I know actors and film stars and millionaires and novelists

演員、電影明星、富豪、小說家

and top lawyers and television executives

一流律師、電視執行製作

and magazine editors and national journalists

雜誌編輯、大報記者

and dustbinmen and hairdressers, all who were

清潔工、髮型設計師

looked after children, fostered, adopted or orphaned,

他們小時候不是住過寄養家庭 就是被領養，或是無依兒童

and many of them grow into their adult lives

很多人長大以後

in fear of speaking of their background, as if it may

不願談起自己的過往

somehow weaken their standing in the foreground,

因為擔心對自己的未來有不良影響

as if it were somehow Kryptonite, as if it were a time bomb

過往就像是超人剋星克利普頓石

strapped on the inside. Children in care,

像是身上綁的定時炸彈

who've had a life in care, deserve the right

受國家安置的兒童有權利

to own and live the memory of their own childhood.

擁有屬於自己的童年和記憶

It is that simple.

就是這麼簡單

My own mother — and I should say this here —

我的媽媽──這裡我要跟各位說──

she same to this country in the late '60s,

她在60年代末期被送到英國

and she was, you know, she found herself pregnant,

當時她發現自己懷孕了

as women did in the late '60s. You know what I mean?

就像其他 60 年代末期的女性，你們知道我的意思嗎?

They found themselves pregnant.

她們發現自己懷孕了

And she sort of, she had no idea of the context

我媽媽應該說是不知道

in which she'd landed.

自己究竟會有什麼下場

In the 1960s -- I should give you some context -- in the 1960s,

在 60 年代──我這邊給大家一點背景資訊──

if you were pregnant and you were single,

在當時，如果你沒結婚而且又懷孕了

you were seen as a threat to the community.

大家會把你當作是這個社會的威脅

You were separated from your family by the state.

國家會把你跟家人拆散

You were separated from your family and placed into

你必須跟家人分開，然後被安置到

mother and baby homes.

母子之家

You were appointed a social worker.

國家會派給你一個社工

The adoptive parents were lined up.

養父母也開始排隊要領養你的孩子

It was the primary purpose of the social worker, the aim,

社工的主要工作

to get the woman at her most vulnerable time

就是在母親一生最脆弱的時候

in her entire life, to sign the adoption papers.

要她們簽文件放棄自己的孩子

So the adoption papers were signed.

所以母親只好簽署文件

The mother and baby's homes were often run by nuns.

母子之家通常是修女負責管理

The adoption papers were signed,

領養文件簽了以後

the child was given to the adoptive parents, and the mother

小孩就歸養父母，小孩的媽媽

shipped back to her community

則被送回去原來住的地方

to say that she'd been on a little break.

還要告訴別人她之前去休息了一陣子

A little break.

休息一陣子

A little break.

休息一陣子

The first secret of shame for a woman

身為女人，第一個恥辱的秘密

for being a woman, "a little break."

就是「休息一陣子」

The adoption process took, like, a matter of months,

領養流程大概要花幾個月

so it was a closed shop, you know, sealed deal,

但整個過程已定

an industrious, utilitarian solution:

是個沒血沒淚、唯利是圖的解決方案

the government, the farmer,

政府就像是農民

the adopting parents, the consumer,

養父母是消費者

the mother, the earth, and the child, the crop.

母親是土地，孩子則是農作物

It's kind of easy to patronize the past,

偏袒過去

to forego our responsibilities in the present.

逃避現有的責任很容易

What happened then is a direct reflection

鑑古知今

of what is happening now. Everybody believed themselves

當時大家都認為

to be doing the right thing by God and by the state

自己所作所為對得起上帝、對得起國家

for the big society, fast-tracking adoption.

是為了整個社會好，所以要快速處理領養

So anyway, she comes here, 1967, she's pregnant,

我媽媽在 1967 年來到英國，懷有身孕

and she comes from Ethiopia that was celebrating

她從衣索比亞來，當時衣索比亞

its own jubilee at the time

正在慶祝

under the Emperor Haile Selassie,

海爾．塞拉西一世皇帝登基 50 周年

and she lands months before the Enoch Powell speech,

她到英國幾個月後，議員鮑威爾

the "Rivers of Blood" speech.

發表「血流成河」反移民演說

She lands months before the Beatles release "The White Album,"

她到英國幾個月後，披頭四發行《白色專輯》

months before Martin Luther King was killed.

她到英國幾個月後，金恩博士遭到暗殺

It was a summer of love if you were white.

假如你是白人的話，當時可說是充滿愛的夏天

If you were black, it was a summer of hate.

如果你是黑人，那個夏天則充滿仇恨

So she goes from Oxford, she's sent to the north of England

我媽媽從牛津被送到英格蘭北部

to a mother and baby home, and appointed a social worker.

送到母子之家，有個社工負責她的案件

It's her plan. You know, I have to say this in the Houses --

媽媽的計劃，我要在這裡說──

It's her plan to have me fostered for a short period of time

她的計畫是送我去寄養一陣子

while she studies. But the social worker,

直到她完成學業，可是社工

he had a different agenda.

有不同的想法

He found the foster parents, and he said to them,

社工找到了寄養父母，而且告訴他們說

"Treat this as an adoption. He's yours forever.

「就當作領養了這個孩子，他永遠都是你們的。」

His name is Norman." (Laughter)

「他叫做諾曼。」（笑聲）

Norman! (Laughter)

諾曼！

Norman!

諾曼！（笑聲）

So they took me. I was a message, they said.

寄養父母就把我帶走，他們說

I was a sign from God, they said.

我是上帝捎來的佳音

I was Norman Mark Greenwood.

我當時叫諾曼．馬克．葛林伍

Now, for the next 11 years, all I know is that this woman,

接下來的11年，我唯一知道的是

this birth woman, should have her eyes scratched out

生下我的女人應該受懲罰

for not signing the adoption papers. She was an evil woman

她不願意簽領養文件，她邪惡又自私

too selfish to sign, so I spent those 11 years

所以不簽文件 那整整11年

kneeling and praying.

我做的就是跪著祈禱

I tried praying. I swear I tried praying.

我試著祈禱，我發誓我有這麼做

"God, can I have a bike for Christmas?"

「上帝，聖誕節可以送我腳踏車嗎？」

But I would always answer myself, "Yes, of course you can."

然後我會自己回答說：「當然可以。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And then I was supposed to determine whether that

之後我得要能分辨

was the voice of God or it was the voice of the Devil.

這是上帝還是魔鬼的聲音

And it turns out I've got the Devil inside of me.

後來我才發現，原來我身體裡住著魔鬼

Who knew? (Laughter)

誰料得到呢？（笑聲）

So anyway, two years sort of passed,

回到剛才講的，大概過了兩年

and they had a child of their own,

寄養父母有了自己的孩子

and then another two years passed, and they had another child of their own,

再兩年後，他們又有了第二個孩子

and then another time passed

接下來他們又有第三個孩子

and they had another child that they called an accident,

他們說這個孩子是意外

which I thought was an unusual name. (Laughter)

我想說給小孩起這個名字真奇怪（笑聲）

And I was on the cusp of, sort of, adolescence,

當時我正進入青少年期

so I was starting to take biscuits from the tin without asking.

開始沒徵求同意就自己從罐子裡拿餅乾吃

I was starting to stay out a little bit late, etc., etc.

我也開始晚歸，之類的事

Now, in their religiosity, in their naivete,

寄養父母虔誠又天真

my mom and dad, which I believed them to be forever,

我的爸媽，我以為他們永遠會是我的父母

as they said they were, my mom and dad

因為他們說他們就是我爸媽

conceived that I had the Devil inside of me.

他們認為我的身體裡住著魔鬼

And what -- I should say this here, because this is how

我在這裡也要說──就是在這個時候

they engineered my leaving.

他們計畫要把我送走

They sat me at a table, my foster mom, and she said to me,

他們叫我坐下，養母對我說：

"You don't love us, do you?" At 11 years old.

「你不愛我們對不對？」 我當時 11 歲

They've had three other children. I'm the fourth. The third was an accident.

他們有三個小孩，我是第四個，第三個是意外

And I said, "Yeah, of course I do." Because you do.

我說：「我當然愛你們。」 因為你們也愛我

My foster mother asked me to go away to think about love

養母叫我好好想一下什麼是愛

and what it is and to read the Scriptures and to come back tomorrow

還叫我讀聖經，然後明天回來

and give my most honest and truthful answer.

跟她說我心中真正的答案

So this was an opportunity. If they were asking me

這就是個機會，如果他們問我

whether I loved them or not, then I mustn't love them,

是否愛他們，那我不能說愛他們

which led me to the miracle of thought that I thought they wanted me to get to.

我還想這就是他們希望我說的

"I will ask God for forgiveness and His light will shine

「我會乞求上帝原諒，祂的榮光會透過我

through me to them. How fantastic." This was an opportunity.

照在他們身上，這多棒啊！」 這真是個大好機會

The theology was perfect, the timing unquestionable,

神學理論完美，時機也抓得真好

and the answer as honest as a sinner could get.

而且這個答案對於罪人來說可真夠坦白

"I mustn't love you," I said to them. "But I will ask God for forgiveness."

「我不能愛你們。」 我對他們說：「但是我會乞求上帝原諒。」

"Because you don't love us, Norman,

「因為你不愛我們，諾曼

clearly you've chosen your path."

顯然，你已經選了自己要走的路。」

Twenty-four hours later, my social worker,

24 小時後，我的社工

this strange man who used to visit me every couple of months,

就是每幾個月就來訪查的陌生人

he's waiting for me in the car as I say goodbye to my parents.

在車子裡等我跟父母道別

I didn't say goodbye to anybody, not my mother, my father,

我沒跟任何人說再見，包括我爸媽

my sisters, my brothers, my aunts, my uncles,

我的兄弟姊妹、叔叔阿姨

my cousins, my grandparents, nobody.

表兄弟姐妹、祖父母，一個也沒有

On the way to the children's home, I started to ask myself,

去育幼院的路上，我問自己

"What's happened to me?"

「我出了什麼事？」

It's not that I'd had the rug pulled from beneath me

我感覺到的不是有人把我腳下的地毯抽走

as much as the entire floor had been taken away.

而是整個地板都不見了

When I got to the —

我到了──

For the next four, five years,

接下來的四五年

I was held in four different children's homes.

我住過四家育幼院

On the third children's home, at 15,

住第三間育幼院時，我 15 歲

I started to rebel, and what I did was,

開始叛逆，當時我做了一件事

I got three tins of paint, Airfix paint that you use for models,

就是拿三罐做模型的顏料

and I was -- it was a big children's home, big Victorian children's home --

──那家育幼院很大，是維多利亞時代的風格──

and I was in a little turret at the top of it,

我爬上育幼院的塔樓

and I poured them, red, yellow and green,

把顏料往下潑，有紅色、黃色、綠色

the colors of Africa, down the tiles.

非洲的色彩，向下蔓延每一塊地磚

You couldn't see it from the street, because the home

你從外面看不到我幹的好事

was surrounded by beech trees.

因為育幼院周圍都是山毛櫸樹

For doing this, I was incarcerated for a year

可是我因為潑漆被關了1年

in an assessment center which was actually

關在所謂的評估中心，但其實就是

a remand center. It was a virtual prison

青少年拘留所，對年輕人來說

for young people.

那就是監獄

By the way, years later, my social worker said

順帶一提，幾年後，我的社工說

that I should never have been put in there.

我根本就不應該被關

I wasn't charged for anything. I hadn't done anything wrong.

因為我並沒有遭受任何指控，也沒做錯事

But because I had no family to inquire about me,

但就因為我沒有家人關心

they could do anything to me.

他們就可以對我為所欲為

I'm 17 years old, and

我17歲時

they had a padded cell.

育幼院有個防止囚犯自殺的牢房

They would march me down corridors in last-size order.

他們叫我走到走廊盡頭

They -- I was put in a dormitory

把我分到一間宿舍

with a confirmed Nazi sympathizer.

室友是個納粹支持者

All of the staff were ex-police -- interesting --

員工都當過警察 ── 真有意思──

and ex-probation officers.

或是當過假釋官

The man who ran it was an ex-army officer.

管理的人則曾經是軍官

Every time I had a visit by a person who I did not know

每次有個我不認識的人來看我

who would feed me grapes, once every three months,

這個人還給我吃葡萄，大概每 3 個月一次

I was strip-searched.

我就要被脫衣搜身

That home was full of young boys who were on remand

那個育幼院有很多候審還押的少年

for things like murder.

他們犯的是謀殺之類的罪

And this was the preparation that I was being given

這就是國家替我未來做的準備

after 17 years as a child of the state.

雖然我受國家監護有17年之久

I have to tell this story.

我必須要把這故事說出來

I have to tell it, because there was no one

我一定要說，因為沒有人

to put two and two together.

會幫我把前因後果說清楚

I slowly became aware that I knew nobody

我漸漸發現，沒有一個人

that knew me for longer than a year.

認識我超過一年

See, that's what family does.

看到了嗎？家庭的作用就在此

It gives you reference points.

家庭讓你有參照點

I'm not defining a good family from a bad family.

我不是在說好家庭跟壞家庭的差別

I'm just saying that you know when your birthday is

我是說你知道你生日是哪一天

by virtue of the fact that somebody tells you when your birthday is,

因為家裡有人會告訴你

a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, an aunt, an uncle,

可能是媽媽、爸爸、姊姊、哥哥、阿姨、叔叔

a cousin, a grandparent. It matters to someone,

表哥、祖父母 因為有人在乎你的生日

and therefore it matters to you. Understand,

所以你也會在乎，你知道嗎

I was 14 years old, tucked away in myself, into myself,

我 14 歲時，把自己往內心深藏

and I wasn't touched either, physically touched.

也沒有人理我，或是抱抱我

I'm reporting back. I'm reporting back simply to say that

我現在是跟各位報告過去的事情，這麼做只是要說

when I left the children's home I had two things

我離開育幼院時，有兩件想做的事情

that I wanted to do. One was to find my family,

一個是找到我的家人

and the other was to write poetry.

另一件事則是寫詩

In creativity I saw light.

透過創作，我見到了光明

In the imagination I saw the endless possibility of life,

在想像的世界中，我看到了人生無限可能

the endless truth, the permanent creation of reality,

看到了無止盡的真理，看到了永恆的真實

the place where anger was an expression

在想像的世界中，憤怒是一種表達

in the search for love, a place where dysfunction

是追尋愛的方式，反常則是

is a true reaction to untruth.

對於虛假的真實反應

I've just got to say it to you all: I found all of my family

我想告訴各位：我找到了所有的家人

in my adult life. I spent all of my adult life finding them,

我長大以後花了很多時間找他們

and I've now got a fully dysfunctional family just like everybody else.

我現在有個烏煙瘴氣的家庭，就跟大家一樣

But I'm reporting back to you to say quite simply

我之所以和各位報告，是因為我想說

that you can define how strong a democracy is

一個民主政體有多堅實

by how its government treats its child.

端視政府如何對待它的孩子

I don't mean children. I mean the child of the state.

我不是說所有兒童，而是受國家監護的孩子

Thanks very much. It's been an honor. (Applause)

謝謝，很榮幸能來這裡演講（掌聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）