Shaka Senghor: Why your worst deeds don't define you | TED

譯者: Marssi Draw 審譯者: Ana Choi

Twenty-three years ago,

23 年前，

at the age of 19,

在我 19 歲的時候，

I shot and killed a man.

我開槍殺了一個人。

I was a young drug dealer

當時我是新手毒販，

with a quick temper

個性很急，

and a semi-automatic pistol.

身上還帶把半自動手槍。

But that wasn't the end of my story.

但那不是我的故事結局。

In fact, it was beginning,

其實那是故事開端，

and the 23 years since

之後的 23 年

is a story of acknowledgment,

是一段認錯、

apology and atonement.

懺悔與贖罪的故事。

But it didn't happen in the way

但那不是你想像中的樣子。

that you might imagine or think.

These things occurred in my life

這些發生在我生命中的事情讓人意外，

in a way that was surprising,

especially to me.

尤其讓我吃驚。

See, like many of you,

就像在座許多人一樣，

growing up, I was an honor roll student,

成長期間，我的學業成績很好，

a scholarship student,

拿到獎學金，

with dreams of becoming a doctor.

夢想要當醫生。

But things went dramatically wrong

但是事情有了戲劇性的變化，

when my parents separated

因為我的父母分開、

and eventually divorced.

最後以離婚收場。

The actual events are pretty straightforward.

這些事件來得勢不可當。

At the age of 17,

17 歲的時候，

I got shot three times

我中槍三次，

standing on the corner of my block in Detroit.

那時我站在底特律家附近的街角。

My friend rushed me to the hospital.

朋友火速送我到醫院。

Doctors pulled the bullets out,

醫生取出子彈，

patched me up,

為我包紮，

and sent me back to the same neighborhood where I got shot.

之後再送我回到發生槍擊的街區。

Throughout this ordeal,

經過這場可怕的經歷，

no one hugged me,

沒人擁抱我，

no one counseled me,

沒人安慰我，

no one told me I would be okay.

沒人告訴我，一切都會好轉。

No one told me that I would live in fear,

沒人告訴我，我會活在恐懼中，

that I would become paranoid,

我會變得偏執，

or that I would react hyper-violently

或是我對被射傷的反應會非常激烈。

to being shot.

No one told me that one day,

沒人告訴我，

有一天我會成為站在扳機後的那個人。

I would become the person behind the trigger.

Fourteen months later,

14 個月後，

at 2 a.m.,

凌晨兩點，

I fired the shots

我開了槍，

that caused a man's death.

殺死了一個人。

When I entered prison,

入獄的時候，

I was bitter, I was angry, I was hurt.

我很怨恨，我很生氣，我很痛苦，

I didn't want to take responsibility.

我不想負責。

I blamed everybody from my parents

我怪罪每個人，

從怪罪父母，一路怪到制度。

to the system.

I rationalized my decision to shoot

我合理化自己開槍的決定，

because in the hood where I come from,

因為在我住的街區，

it's better to be the shooter

選擇當個開槍的人

than the person getting shot.

好過當個中槍的人。

As I sat in my cold cell,

我坐在寒冷的牢房裡，

I felt helpless,

感到無助，失去關愛，被人遺棄。

unloved and abandoned.

I felt like nobody cared,

我覺得沒人在乎我，

and I reacted

鋃鐺入獄讓我滿腹怨恨。

with hostility to my confinement.

And I found myself getting

我發現自己在麻煩裡越陷越深。

deeper and deeper into trouble.

I ran black market stores,

我常跑黑店、

I loan sharked,

放高利貸、

and I sold drugs that were illegally smuggled

走私毒品到監獄賣。

into the prison.

I had in fact become

其實我變成了

what the warden of the Michigan Reformatory called

密西根感化院典獄長稱的：

"the worst of the worst."

「萬惡之極。」

And because of my activity,

因為那些行動，

I landed in solitary confinement

我被單獨監禁

for seven and a half years

長達七年半之久。

out of my incarceration.

Now as I see it, solitary confinement

現在回過頭看，

我認為單獨監禁是你能找到

is one of the most inhumane and barbaric places

you can find yourself,

最不人道和野蠻的場所，

but find myself I did.

但卻是我找到自己的地方。

One day, I was pacing my cell,

某天，我在牢房裡踱步，

when an officer came and delivered mail.

警官送信過來。

I looked at a couple of letters

看了幾封信之後，

before I looked at the letter

我開始讀兒子親手寫的那封

that had my son's squiggly handwriting on it.

歪七扭八字跡的信。

And anytime I would get a letter from my son,

每次，我都會收到他的信，

it was like a ray of light

那就像是黑暗深處裡的一線曙光。

in the darkest place you can imagine.

And on this particular day, I opened this letter,

在這特別的日子，我打開信，

and in capital letters, he wrote,

他用大寫的字體寫下：

"My mama told me why you was in prison:

「媽媽說你被關在監獄，

murder."

因為你是殺人兇手。」

He said, "Dad, don't kill.

他說：「爸爸，不要殺人。

Jesus watches what you do. Pray to Him."

耶穌在看你做了什麼事，

你要向衪禱告。」

那時候我不信神，

Now, I wasn't religious at that time,

nor am I religious now,

現在也不信，

but it was something so profound

但我兒子的話對我來說意義深遠。

about my son's words.

They made me examine things about my life

那些話讓我檢視自己在生命中

that I hadn't considered.

從未思考過的事。

It was the first time in my life

這是我此生第一次真的意識到

that I had actually thought about the fact

that my son would see me as a murderer.

我兒子會把我看做殺人兇手的事實。

I sat back on my bunk

我坐在床上，

and I reflected on something I had read

回想起之前讀到柏拉圖的著作，

in [Plato],

where Socrates stated in "Apology"

在＜申辯篇＞中，蘇格拉底曾說

that the unexamined life isn't worth living.

未經反省的人生不值得活。

At that point is when the transformation began.

那個時刻正是改變的開始。

But it didn't come easy.

但卻得之不易。

One of the things I realized,

我領悟了一件事，

which was part of the transformation,

那就是轉變有四個關鍵。

was that there were four key things.

The first thing was,

首先，我有很棒的良師益友。

I had great mentors.

Now, I know some of you all are probably thinking,

我知道你們之中大概有人會想，

how did you find a great mentor in prison?

你在監獄怎麼找到良師益友？

But in my case,

但以我來說，

some of my mentors

有一些良師益友雖然被判無期徒刑，

who are serving life sentences

were some of the best people to ever come into my life,

但他們卻是我此生 接觸過最好的人之一，

because they forced me to look at my life honestly,

因為他們強迫我誠實面對自己的人生，

and they forced me to challenge myself

他們強迫我挑戰自己做決定。

about my decision making.

The second thing was literature.

第二，是文學。

Prior to going to prison,

在進監獄之前，

I didn't know that there were so many brilliant

我不認識那麼多才華洋溢的

black poets, authors and philosophers,

黑人詩人、作家和哲學家，

and then I had the great fortune

但後來，我很幸運

of encountering Malcolm X's autobiography,

能讀到麥爾坎．X 的自傳，

and it shattered every stereotype I had about myself.

那本書粉碎我對自己的每一個刻板印象。

The third thing was family.

第三是家庭。

For 19 years, my father stood by my side

19 年來，我父親無條件支持我，

with an unshakable faith,

對我深信不疑，

because he believed that I had what it took

因為他相信我擁有能改變生命的東西。

to turn my life around.

I also met an amazing woman

我也碰到一位神奇的女士，

who is now the mother of my two-year-old son Sekou,

現在她是我兩歲兒子塞谷的媽，

and she taught me how to love myself

她教我用健康的方式愛自己。

in a healthy way.

The final thing was writing.

最後一件事是寫作。

When I got that letter from my son,

收到兒子的信之後，

I began to write a journal

我開始寫日誌，

about things I had experienced in my childhood

記錄我在童年時期，以及坐牢時的經歷，

and in prison,

and what it did is it opened up my mind to the idea

這件事讓我敞開心胸，

of atonement.

願意贖罪。

Earlier in my incarceration, I had received

我剛開始被關的時候，

a letter from one of the relatives of my victim,

收到一封被害人親戚的來信，

and in that letter,

在那封信中，

she told me she forgave me,

她說她原諒我，

because she realized I was a young child

因為她知道我只是個孩子，

who had been abused

曾被虐待，

and had been through some hardships

有一些痛苦的經歷，

and just made a series of poor decisions.

只是做了一連串錯誤的決定。

It was the first time in my life

那是我這輩子第一次

that I ever felt open to forgiving myself.

開始接受要原諒自己。

One of the things that happened

在那之後發生了一件事，

after that experience is that

I thought about the other men who were incarcerated

我想到被關在我附近的那些人，

alongside of me,

and how much I wanted to share this with them.

我很想和他們分享這個想法。

And so I started talking to them about

因此我們開始談他們的經驗，

some of their experiences,

and I was devastated to realize

我非常震驚，

that most of them came from the same abusive environments,

他們大多來自同樣會受到暴力的環境，

And most of them wanted help and they wanted to turn it around,

大部分的人都需要幫助， 也都希望一切能好轉，

but unfortunately the system

但不幸的是，

that currently holds 2.5 million people in prison

目前關了 250 萬人的監獄

is designed to warehouse

是設計來裝人，

as opposed to rehabilitate or transform.

而不是用來修復或改變人的地方。

So I made it up in my mind

因此我決定

that if I was ever released from prison

如果有朝一日離開監獄，

that I would do everything in my power

我會盡我最大的能力

to help change that.

來改變這件事。

In 2010, I walked out of prison

我在 2010 年時出獄，

for the first time after two decades.

這是二十年來的第一次。

Now imagine, if you will,

請想像

Fred Flintstone walking into an episode

摩登原始人走進「傑森一家」裡。

of "The Jetsons."

That was pretty much what my life was like.

那就和我的生活差不多。

For the first time, I was exposed to the Internet,

那是我第一次接觸網路、

social media,

社群媒體，

cars that talk like KITT from "Knight Rider."

還有像霹靂遊俠裡的夥計 一樣會說話的車。

But the thing that fascinated me the most

不過最讓我著迷的是電話。

was phone technology.

See, when I went to prison,

我進監獄時，

our car phones were this big

車上的電話這麼大，

and required two people to carry them.

還得要兩個人拿著。

So imagine what it was like when I first grabbed

想像一下，我第一次拿著我的小黑莓機，

my little Blackberry

and I started learning how to text.

開始學怎麼傳簡訊。

But the thing is, the people around me,

但問題是我週遭的親友都不了解

they didn't realize that I had no idea

我怎麼會對所有簡稱毫無頭緒，

what all these abbreviated texts meant,

like LOL, OMG, LMAO,

像是 LOL（大笑）、OMG（我的天）、

LMAO（笑屎人）之類的，

until one day I was having a conversation

with one of my friends via text,

直到有天我和朋友用簡訊聊天，

and I asked him to do something, and he responded back, "K."

我請他幫忙，他回了「K」。

And I was like, "What is K?"

我傳：「什麼是 K？」

And he was like, "K is okay."

他傳：「K 就是 OK。」

So in my head, I was like,

我腦袋想的是：

"Well what the hell is wrong with K?"

「K 是哪裡有毛病？」

And so I text him a question mark.

所以我傳了問號給他。

And he said, "K = okay."

他說：「K = OK。」

And so I tap back, "FU." (Laughter)

我回傳：「FU。（髒話簡稱）」 （笑聲）

And then he texts back, and he asks me

然後他回傳問我

why was I cussing him out.

為什麼要罵他。

And I said, "LOL FU,"

我說：「LOL FU。」

as in, I finally understand.

我終於理解了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And so fast forward three years,

時間飛快過了三年，

I'm doing relatively good.

我適應得還不錯。

I have a fellowship at MIT Media Lab,

我拿到麻省理工學院 媒體實驗室的研究獎金，

I work for an amazing company called BMe,

在一間很棒的公司工作，叫 BMe，

I teach at the University of Michigan,

還在密西根大學任教，

but it's been a struggle

但是我一直在掙扎，

because I realize that there are more

因為我了解

men and women coming home

有更多人回到家之後，

who are not going to be afforded those opportunities.

不會得到那些機會。

I've been blessed to work with some amazing

我很幸運能和許多很棒的人一起工作，

men and women,

helping others reenter society,

幫助其他人重返社會，

and one of them is my friend named Calvin Evans.

其中有一位是我的朋友凱文．伊凡斯。

He served 24 years for a crime he didn't commit.

他因為一件從未犯的罪坐了 24 年牢。

He's 45 years old. He's currently enrolled in college.

他 45 歲，正在唸大學。

And one of the things that we talked about

我們曾討論過

is the three things that I found important

我發現在我個人轉變中很重要的三件事，

in my personal transformation,

the first being acknowledgment.

第一件事，是認錯。

I had to acknowledge that I had hurt others.

我必須承認我曾傷害別人。

I also had to acknowledge that I had been hurt.

我也必須承認自己受了傷。

The second thing was apologizing.

第二件事，是道歉。

I had to apologize to the people I had hurt.

我得向曾被我傷害的人道歉。

Even though I had no expectations of them accepting it,

即使我毫不期待他們會接受，

it was important to do because it was the right thing.

但那卻很重要，因為那是對的事。

But I also had to apologize to myself.

而且我也必須向自己道歉。

The third thing was atoning.

第三件事，是贖罪。

For me, atoning meant

對我來說，贖罪意謂著回到我的社區，

going back into my community

and working with at-risk youth

服務走上同樣道路的高風險青少年，

who were on the same path,

but also becoming at one with myself.

並且成為和我一樣的人。

Through my experience of being locked up,

有過被關進牢房的經驗後，我發現：

one of the things I discovered is this:

the majority of men and women

大多數的受刑人都還有救，

who are incarcerated are redeemable,

and the fact is,

事實上，

90 percent of the men and women who are incarcerated

90% 的受刑人之後會回到社區，

will at some point return to the community,

and we have a role in determining what kind

有個人有權決定

of men and women return to our community.

什麼樣的人可以重返社區。

My wish today

今天我希望

is that we will embrace

我們能採取

a more empathetic approach

更有同理心的方式

toward how we deal with mass incarceration,

處理大規模的監禁問題，

that we will do away with

摒除把人關起來就置之不理的態度，

the lock-them-up-and-throw-away-the-key mentality,

because it's proven it doesn't work.

因為事實證明那沒有用。

My journey is a unique journey,

我擁有一段獨特旅程，

but it doesn't have to be that way.

但那不代表非得如此不可。

Anybody can have a transformation

任何人都能改變，

if we create the space for that to happen.

只要我們允許發生的可能。

So what I'm asking today

因此，今天我請各位想像

is that you envision

a world where men and women

一個人人不會被過去綁住的世界，

aren't held hostage to their pasts,

where misdeeds and mistakes

一個罪行和錯誤

don't define you for the rest of your life.

不會定義你未來人生的世界。

I think collectively, we can create that reality,

我想我們能一同實現，

and I hope you do too.

希望你也有同感。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）