How to stop swiping and find your person on dating apps | Christina Wallace

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

I first tried online dating my freshman year of college,

我第一次嘗試網路約會， 在大學一年級的時候，

which was in 2001, in case you can't see my wrinkle.

萬一你們沒看到我的皺紋， 老實說，那是 2001年。

Now, as you may have noticed, I'm six-feet tall,

你們可能已經注意到， 我有 180 公分高，

and when I arrived at my chosen university

當我抵達我所選的大學，

and realized our men's Division III basketball team averaged five-foot-eight,

並發現我們第三級別男子 籃球隊的平均身高才 170 公分，

I abandoned the on-campus scene and went online.

我就直接放棄 校園約會，轉而上網。

Now, back then, online dating was pretty close to the plot

那時，網路約會就很像

電影《電子情書》裡的情節一樣。

of "You've Got Mail."

You'd write long emails back and forth for weeks,

你要花數週的時間在電子郵件 往返上，信還要寫很長，

before you finally met up in real life.

然後才會真正約見面。

Except, in my case, you'd realize you have no chemistry

我的例子的差別在於， 我發現我們不來電，

and so now, you're back to square one.

於是我又回到原點。

So, while online dating has changed a lot in the last 17 years,

雖然在過去十七年裡， 網路約會已經改變了很多，

many of the frustrations remain the same.

許多的挫折仍然依舊。

Because here's what it does well.

因為，它能做得很好的地方是：

It broadens your pool of potential dates

它能擴展你可能的約會對象圈子，

beyond your existing social and professional circles.

超出你既有的社交圈和工作圈。

And here's what it doesn't do well.

但它也有做不好的地方：

Literally everything else.

所有其他的部分都是。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

A few things you should know about me:

你們應該知道我的一些事：

I'm an action-oriented overachieving math and theater nerd,

我是行動派，是個表現 超預期的數學和戲劇怪胎，

who ended up with an MBA.

最後還拿了企業管理碩士。

So, when things aren't working out, I tend to take a step back,

所以當事情發展不順時， 我傾向會先退一步，

apply my business toolkit to figure out why, and to fix it.

應用我的商業技能 來找出原因並解決它。

My love life was no exception.

我的感情生活也不例外。

The summer before I turned 30, I took myself on a relationship off-site.

在我即將滿三十歲的前一年夏天， 我給自己的感情關係放了個假，

Which means I went camping solo in Maine for a week,

意思就是，我獨自 去緬因州露營了一週，

to do a retro on my track record of mediocre relationships.

去回顧了我過往的平凡感情記錄。

Because the thing was, I knew what I wanted in a partner.

重點是，我很清楚 我想要什麼樣的伴侶。

Kindness, curiosity, empathy, a sense of purpose.

要善良、有好奇心、 有同理心，且知道目標。

And yet, here's what I chose for online:

但是，我在線上選擇的卻是：

Ivy League degree, six feet or taller,

常青藤大學學位、 身高 180 公分以上、

lives within 12 subway stops of me.

住的地方距離我 不超過十二個地鐵站。

It's not that I intentionally prioritized those things,

並不是我故意 把那些項目排在優先，

it's just the easiest to vet for online.

只是在網路上這樣最容易審查。

It kind of is like a résumé review,

它就類似在檢閱履歷，

which is why these guys looked great on paper

就是這為什麼這些人 書面上看來都這麼棒，

and never quite fit me.

卻從來不適合我。

So when I went back online in the spring of 2016,

所以，2016 年春季我再次上網時，

I decided to reengineer the process through some classic business tools.

我決定用一些經典的 商業工具來改革這個過程。

First, I went to OkCupid,

首先，我到 OkCupid，

because I wanted to avoid the gamification of swipe-based apps.

因為我不想用需要不停滑動 螢幕的軟體，那好像玩遊戲一樣。

And also, because I wanted a writing sample.

另一個原因是因為 我想要一份撰寫範本。

Next, I set up a sales funnel,

接著，我建立了一個銷售漏斗，

throwing out any sense of my type,

丟棄了我對於 夢想類型的所有觀念，

and instead defining the criteria that would qualify a lead.

改去定義出菁英的合格標準。

An inbound message had to do three things:

傳給我的訊息需要符合三項條件：

had to be written in complete sentences and with good grammar;

要用完整句子和好的文法來撰寫；

it had to reference something in my profile,

必須要提及我個人 簡介中的某些內容，

so I know it's not a copy-and-paste situation;

我才能確定它不是 複製貼上的內容，

and it had to avoid all sexual content.

且不能有性相關的內容。

I figured this was a pretty low bar,

我認為這個門檻很低，

but it turns out, of my 210 inbound messages,

但結果發現，在我 收到的 210 則訊息中，

only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.

只有 14％ 的人過關。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Next, I wanted to meet in real life as quickly as possible,

接著，我想盡快與本人真正見面，

because the things I cared about, I couldn't see online.

因為在網路上我看不出 那些我在意的點。

But the research, and my experience,

但研究及我自身的經驗都顯示出

shows you only need about 30 seconds with someone to tell if you click.

你跟一個人相處三十秒， 就能知道彼此是否合得來。

So I invented the zero date.

所以，我發明了「第零次約會」。

The zero date is one drink, one hour.

第零次約會就是 一杯飲料、一個小時。

With the goal of answering one question:

目的就只要回答一個問題：

Would I like to have dinner with this person?

「我想和這個人共進晚餐嗎？」 而非 「他是我的真命天子嗎？」

Not "are they the one"?

Literally, "Would I like to spend three hours across the table

真的只是「我想和這個人面對面

from this person?"

坐下來相處三小時嗎？」

You tell them you have a hard stop --

你告訴對方，你後面 緊接著有其他行程——

drinks with girlfriends, a conference call with China --

和女性朋友有約， 和中國有視訊會議——無所謂，

it doesn't matter, they don't know you.

他們也不了解你。重點是一小時。

The point is one hour.

If it's awesome, you schedule a first date.

如果相處很棒， 就來安排第一次約會。

And if it's not awesome, you downshift into entertainer mode

如果不怎麼好， 就切換到低速的娛樂模式檔，

and you workshop a few new stories for your next networking event.

為下一個網路約會準備幾個新故事。

Plus, because it's just an hour, you can squeeze up to three in one evening

此外，因為只有一小時， 你可以在一個晚上約三場。

and then you only have to do your hair and pick out one great outfit a week.

你一週只要做好髮型 選好衣服一次即可。

The zero date also gave me a chance to see how they responded

第零次約會也讓我有機會看到，

當我提出要約出去時， 對方會有什麼反應。

to me asking them out.

I figured not everyone would dig my moxie, and I was right.

我想不會每個人都喜歡 我的大膽，結果的確如此。

Of my 29 qualified leads, only 15 replied to my message,

符合我條件的 29 個人中， 只有 15 個人回了我的訊息，

and of those, six scheduled a zero date.

這 15 個人中，只有 6 人 和我安排了第零次約會。

My first zero date was with a set designer.

我的首位第零次約會對象， 是也喜歡瑜伽的場景設計師。

And we were both into yoga

and preferred our bagels with peanut butter,

也同樣喜歡花生醬貝果， 看起來挺有希望的。

so it looked pretty promising.

But two minutes in, I could tell it wasn't going to be a thing

但兩分鐘後， 我知道不會有戲唱了，

而不用跟他吃晚餐， 也讓我鬆了一口氣。

and I was relieved not to be spending dinner with him.

After that, I was a little nervous about going to my next zero date.

那之後，我對下一個 第零次約會感到有點緊張。

But we had agreed to meet on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade

但我們已經約好 在布魯克林高地步道見面，

with a flask of whiskey to watch the sunset,

帶上一瓶威士忌，欣賞日落，

and honestly, it was two blocks from my apartment.

老實說，那裡離 我的公寓只有兩個街區。

Plus, this guy had a podcast, I have a podcast,

此外，他有一個播客節目， 我有一個播客節目，

worst case scenario, we can talk about our podcasts.

最糟糕的情况就是 我們閒聊我們的播客節目。

Then, Chas set down next to me.

接著，查斯在我旁邊坐下。

And this kind and empathetic man

這個善良、有同理心的男人，

told great jokes and asked even better questions.

講的笑話很棒，問的問題更棒。

He was a lawyer and a writer, and his eyes twinkled when he laughed

他是律師兼作家，

笑的時候眼睛閃閃發光，

and they squeezed tight when I kissed him

我親他的時候，他緊緊閉上雙眼，

and at some point in the evening, our zero date became a first date.

在那晚的某一刻，我們的第零次約會

成了我們的第一次約會。兩年後，

And two years later, we have a washer, dryer and two house plants together.

我們共同擁有了洗衣機、烘乾機， 和兩盆室內盆栽。

Now, I can't promise you're going to end up with house plants.

我無法保證你們最後 也會有室內盆栽。

But the point of this story

但這個故事的重點是，

is that online dating doesn't have to suck.

網路約會不一定會很爛。

Don't treat it like a game, and don't treat it like a resume review.

不要把它當作一種遊戲， 也不要把它當作檢閱履歷。

Instead, use it to source and qualify leads

反之，把它當作 蒐集合格人選的來源，

and then get offline as quickly as possible with the zero date.

然後盡快進行 現實中的第零次約會。

Because the point of this isn't swiping.

因為網路約會的重點 不是滑動手機螢幕，

It's finding your person.

而是找到適合你的人。

Good luck.

祝好運。

(Applause)

（掌聲）