A highly scientific taxonomy of haters | Negin Farsad

翻译人员: Junyi Sha 校对人员: Tingting Zhong

I'm an Iranian-American Muslim female,

我是一名伊朗裔美籍穆斯林女性，

和大家都一样。

like all of you.

And I'm also a social justice comedian,

我是一位喜剧演员， 表演内容关于社会正义的，

something that I insist is an actual job.

我一直坚信这是份正经工作。

让我先讲讲我的经历， 再说我的工作内容

To explain what that is, let me tell you how I got here.

I've performed all over the country.

我在美国各地都表演过

And let me tell you, America is majestic, right?

要我说美国真是个伟大的国家，对吧？

It's got breathtaking nature,

拥有令人叹为观止的风景，

waffle houses

好多的华夫饼店，

and diabetes as far as the eye can see.

随处可见的糖尿病患者。

It is really something.

这真了不起。

Now, the American population can be broken up

现在，美国人口

大致可以分成三类：

into three main categories:

there's mostly wonderful people,

生活美满的大多数人，

haters

心怀恨意的一部分人，

and Florida.

还有弗罗里达人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Besides Florida, the most troubling category here are the Haters.

除去佛罗里达，最麻烦的 就是那些心怀恨意的人。

They are a minority,

他们是少数族群，

but they overcompensate by being extra loud.

但是“矫枉过正”使他们 变得过度引人注目

They have the Napoleon complex of demographics,

他们就是 “矮个子症候群” （拿破仑情结）

and yes, some of the men do wear heels.

是的，那些男人中 的确有些会穿内增高。

As a social justice comedian,

作为一个专注于社会正义的喜剧演员，

it's my goal to convert these haters,

我的目标是改变这些心怀恨意的人，

because they hate a lot of things, which leads to negative outcomes,

因为他们憎恨的事太多， 由此造成一些不良后果，

像是种族歧视，暴力和Ted Nugent （重金属摇滚明星）

like racism, violence and Ted Nugent.

This is not an exhaustive list;

这里没有列全。

I'm probably missing 3-7 items.

我也许落下了3到7个

但我要说的是

But the point is,

we have to reckon with the haters.

这些怀恨者不可小觑

但是怀恨者中也分好几类

But there's variance within this group

and it's not efficient to go after all of them, right?

调查他们所有人也太没效率了，对吧？

So what I've done is created a highly scientific Taxonomy of Haters.

于是，我创造了一个 非常科学的怀恨者分类法

I basically took all of the haters,

基本上就是，我把所有的怀恨者

放在一个培养皿里，像科学家一样，

I put them in a petri dish, like a scientist,

然后这就是我的发现。

and this is what I found.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

First off, we have the trolls.

第一类是洞穴巨人。

这一类非常普遍， 就是讨厌数字化的一群人。

These are your garden-variety digital haters.

They're the people who quit their jobs

他们就是那种辞掉工作，

so they can post on YouTube videos all day long.

然后整天在Youtube上发视频的人。

There's also the drive-by haters.

还有一类是路怒症患者。

这些人看到红灯停下

Now, these people will be at a stoplight,

they'll wait for the light to turn green

等着绿灯

and when it does, they yell, "Go back to your own country!"

绿灯一亮，他们就大叫 “ 哪来的滚回哪去！”

Now back in the day, they would've actually gotten out of their cars

想想当时， 他们完全可以下车，

and hated you to your face.

当着你的面大骂一场。

But they just don't make them like they used to --

但他们只不过是把 自己真实的一面藏起来—

which is another sign of the decline in America.

这也是美国正在衰落的 另一个迹象。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The next category

下一类怀恨者

is the mission-oriented-bigot- whose-group-affiliation-

是偏执狂、总是要去完成某种任务、

有个组织罩着他们。

gives-them-cover-for-hating hater.

These guys like to hate via a seemingly nice organization,

这些人一般都有个表面 看起来很无害的组织

like a church or a nonprofit,

像是教堂或是非盈利组织，

and they oftentimes like to speak in an old-timey voice.

他们时不时就用老气横秋的声调说话。

But the group I'm most interested in is the swing hater.

但我最感兴趣的一类是 纠结的怀恨者

The swing hater is sister to the swing voter --

纠结的怀恨者和 纠结的投票者是亲姐妹—

they just can't decide!

他们就是没法赶紧做决定！

They're like ideological sluts

他们就像是思想中的绿茶婊

一会儿恨，一会不恨。

who move from hating to not hating.

他们这样做是因为 没有足够多的信息

And they do it because they don't have enough information.

This is the group I like to target with social justice comedy.

这一类人便是我用 社会正义喜剧攻击的目标。

Why comedy?

为什么是喜剧？

Because on a scale of comedy to brochure,

因为要将喜剧和宣传手册放在一起的话，

the average American prefers comedy, as you can see from this graph.

一般美国人都更乐意看喜剧。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Comedy is very popular.

喜剧非常受欢迎。

顺便提一下，

And by the way,

this is a mathematically accurate graph,

这是一个非常准确的图表，

generated from fake numbers.

虽然里面的数字都是假的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now, the question is:

现在，问题就是：

Why does social justice comedy work?

为什么社会正义喜剧特别管用？

Because, first off, it makes you laugh.

因为，首先，它让你哈哈大笑。

当你哈哈大笑的时候， 你就完全放开了，

And when you're laughing, you enter into a state of openness.

And in that moment of openness,

于是在那一刻，

a good social justice comedian can stick in a whole bunch of information,

一位优秀的社会正义喜剧演员 就可以趁机插入一堆信息，

and if they're really skilled,

如果他们技巧娴熟，

那就像是直肠检查一样。

a rectal exam.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Here are some ground rules for social justice comedy:

这是一些社会正义喜剧的基本原则：

首先，没有偏见，

first off, it's not partisan.

这可不是政治喜剧，这关乎正义。

This isn't political comedy, this is about justice,

and no one is against justice.

大家都想要正义。

Two, it's inviting and warm,

第二，它非常有吸引力并且十分温暖。

it makes you feel like you're sitting inside of a burrito.

就感觉像是裹在卷饼里一样。

第三，它很有趣，但是得偷偷摸摸的。

Three, it's funny but sneaky,

like you could be hearing an interesting treatise

比如你正津津有味得听一个

on income inequality,

关于收入不均的论述，

that's encased in a really sophisticated poop joke.

但是结果却是个烂笑话。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

下面是我眼中的社会正义喜剧。

Here's how I see social justice comedy working.

A few years ago, I rounded up a bunch of Muslim-American comedians --

几年前，我召集了几个 美籍穆斯林喜剧演员－

in a non-violent way --

用一种非暴力的手段－

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And we went around the country

我们在美国转了一圈

to places like Alabama, Arizona, Tennessee, Georgia --

去了阿拉巴马，亚利桑那， 田纳西，乔治亚 —

places where they love the Muzzies --

一些他们爱的死去活来的地方 —

and we did stand-up shows.

我们表演单人脱口秀。

We called the tour "The Muslims Are Coming!"

我们把这次旅行叫做 ”穆斯林来了！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We turned this into a movie,

我们把这次旅行拍成了电影，

电影放映后，

and then after the movie came out,

a known hate group spent 300,000 dollars

一个有名的怀恨者团体花了30万美元，

on an anti-Muslim poster campaign

用于反穆斯林宣传海报。

with the MTA -- that's the New York City subway system.

还和MTA合作——就是纽约市地铁系统。

Now, the posters were truly offensive,

当时那些海报可真是冒犯了不少人，

not to mentioned poorly designed --

更别提它糟糕的设计了－

I mean, if you're going to be bigoted,

我是说，如果你想表现得有偏见，

you might as well use a better font.

你也得挑个好看点的字体吧！

（笑声）

(Laughter)

然后我们就想，要不我们也

But we decided, why not launch our own poster campaign

发起一项把夸赞穆斯林的海报宣传，

that says nice things about Muslims,

while promoting the movie.

趁着宣传我们的电影的时候。

So myself and fellow comedian Dean Obeidallah

于是我和我的小伙伴Dean Obeidallah

decided to launch the fighting-bigotry- with-delightful-posters campaign.

决定发起一个 “非常欢快得 打击偏执狂” 宣传海报。

We raised the money, worked with the MTA for over 5 months,

我们筹到了钱， 和MTA一起商讨了五个月，

got the posters approved,

然后海报就通过了。

and two days after they were supposed to go up,

本来要把海报张 贴出来的，但是两天后，

the MTA decided to ban the posters,

MTA又决定不贴了，

涉及政治内容。

citing political content.

Let's take a look at a couple of those posters.

来看看我们这些海报

看这个。

Here's one.

Facts about Muslims:

关于穆斯林的事实：

Muslims invented the concept of a hospital.

是穆斯林人创造了医院的概念。

OK.

好的。

事实：穆斯林成年人与穆斯林宝宝 相比能做更多仰卧起坐。

Fact: Grown-up Muslims can do more push-ups than baby Muslims.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

Fact: Muslims invented Justin Timberlake.

事实：穆斯林创造了了 Justin Timberlake（著名歌手＋演员）

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Let's take a look at another one.

还有另一张

The ugly truth about Muslims:

穆斯林的丑恶一面：

they have great frittata recipes.

他们有极佳的煎蛋饼食谱。

Now clearly, frittatas are considered political by the MTA.

很显然，煎蛋饼被MTA认作为了政治因素。

要不是蛋饼，要不就是 仅仅提到了穆斯林的好处，

Either that, or the mere mention of Muslims in a positive light

was considered political -- but it isn't.

就被扣上了政治的帽子－但不是这样的。

It's about justice.

这是关于正义的。

So we decided to change

所以我们决定改变

我们的“非常欢快得 打击偏执狂－海报法”运动，

our fighting-bigortry- with-delightful-posters campaign

and turn it into the fighting-bigotry- with-a-delightful-lawsuit campaign.

把它变为“非常欢快得 打击偏执狂－诉讼法”运动。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So basically, what I'm saying is a couple of dirt-bag comedians

所以，基本上，我想说的就是 几个在行业内混不下去的喜剧演员

took on a major New York City agency

与纽约城中的一个主要机构进行较量，

and the comedians won.

然后喜剧演员们获得了胜利。

(Applause and cheers)

（掌声和欢呼）

Thank you.

谢谢。

Victory was a very weird feeling.

胜利感是一种古怪的情感。

I was like, "Is this what blonde girls feel like all the time?

然后我就想，“这是不是就是 金发美女们一直以来的内心感觉？

'Cause this is amazing!"

因为实在是太神奇了！”

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Here's another example.

我再举一个例子。

I'm asked everywhere I go: "Why don't Muslims denounce terrorism?"

无论我走到哪儿，都会被问： “为什么穆斯林不谴责恐怖主义？”

We do. But OK, I'll take the bait.

我们是谴责的。但是， 既然如此，我决定将错就错。

So I decided to launch thedailydenouncer.com.

所以我就决定发起一个网站 thedailydenouncer.com（每日谴责人）

这个网站在每周的每个工作日 里都会谴责恐怖主义，

It's a website that denounces terrorism every day of the week,

当然周末是休息的。

while taking the weekends off.

Let's take a look at an example.

让我们看一个例子。

他们通常会以单片式动画形式呈现，

They generally appear as single-panel cartoons,

"I denounce terrorism! I also denounce people who never fill the paper tray!"

“我要谴责恐怖主义！同时我也谴责 那些从来不把纸盘子装满的人！”

The point of the website is that it denounces terrorism

这个网站的目的性，就是

让我们在反复谴责 恐怖主义的过程中

while recognizing that it's ridiculous

that we have to constantly denounce terrorism.

意识到这是一件多么荒谬的事情。

But if bigotry isn't your thing,

但如果你的问题不在于偏执，

social justice comedy is useful for all sorts of issues.

社会正义喜剧对各种问题都是有益的。

For example, myself and fellow comedian Lee Camp

举个例子，我和我的喜剧同事Lee Camp

went to the Cayman Islands to investigate offshore banking.

一起前往开曼群岛（拉丁美洲） 去调查那儿的离岸金融。

Now, the United States loses something like 300 billion dollars a year

目前，美国每年将在那些离岸避税天堂

in these offshore tax havens.

损失近300亿美元。

Not to brag,

一点儿都不夸张的讲，

but at the end of every month,

但是在每个月的月底，

I have something like 5-15 dollars in disposable income.

我就会获得大概5-15美元的可支配收入。

So we walked into these banks in the Cayman Islands

所以我们就进入那些 在开曼群岛上的银行

and asked if we could open up a bank account

询问我们是否能凭借8美元27分

with eight dollars and 27 cents.

开设一个银行账户。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

The bank managers would indulge us for 30-45 seconds before calling security.

银行经理大概会忍我们30-45秒， 然后就要喊安保人员了。

Security would come out, brandish their weapons,

安保人员冲进来， 挥舞他们的武器，

and then we would squeal with fear and run away,

然后我们就会因为 恐惧而惊声尖叫，逃离，

because -- and this is the last rule of social justice comedy --

因为－这是社会正义喜剧 的最后一条原则－

sometimes it makes you want to take a dump in your pants.

又是把你吓得失禁。

我们的大部分工作是搞笑的。

Most of my work is meant to be fun.

我们需要制造一种联系和笑声。

It's meant to generate a connection and laughter.

但是，确实，有时我也会 被保安人员扑倒在地。

But yes, sometimes I get run off the grounds by security.

Sometimes I get mean tweets and hate mail.

有时我收到刻薄的推文，恐吓信件。

Sometimes I get voice mails saying that if I continue telling my jokes,

有时我会收到语音信件， 说如果我继续讲笑话，

they'll kill me and they'll kill my family.

他们就要杀了我 他们还要干掉我的家人。

And those death threats are definitely not funny.

那些死亡要挟一点儿都不好笑。

But despite the occasional danger,

但是除了这些偶尔的危险，

I still think that social justice comedy is one of our best weapons.

我仍然坚信社会正义喜剧 是我们最有力的武器之一。

I mean, we've tried a lot of approaches to social justice,

我的意思是，我们尝试过 各种方式追求社会正义，

like war and competitive ice dancing.

像是战争或是竞技冰上舞蹈。

But still, a lot of things are still kind of awful.

但是，还有很多事情十分糟糕。

So I think it's time we try and tell a really good poop joke.

所以我认为，是时候让我们 尝试讲述那些极佳的烂笑话了。

谢谢。

Thank you.

(Applause)

（掌声）