A highly scientific taxonomy of haters | Negin Farsad

譯者: 易帆 余 審譯者: Jin Wu

I'm an Iranian-American Muslim female,

我是一位美籍伊朗裔的穆斯林女士

like all of you.

跟各位一樣

And I'm also a social justice comedian,

同時我也是一位社會正義的喜劇演員

something that I insist is an actual job.

這也是我一直一來堅持的工作

To explain what that is, let me tell you how I got here.

為了解釋這是一個甚麼樣的工作讓我先跟各位說明我如何辦到的

I've performed all over the country.

我全國到處表演

And let me tell you, America is majestic, right?

我跟你講美國是宏偉的對吧？

It's got breathtaking nature,

美國有美到不行的自然景色

waffle houses

有鬆餅店

and diabetes as far as the eye can see.

還有四處都看的到糖尿病

It is really something.

這是真的

Now, the American population can be broken up

美國的人口大致

into three main categories:

可以分為三種類型

there's mostly wonderful people,

大部的人都很善良

haters

憎恨者

and Florida.

還有佛羅里達

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Besides Florida, the most troubling category here are the Haters.

除了佛羅里達 這裡最麻煩的人就是那些憎恨者

They are a minority,

他們是少數族群

but they overcompensate by being extra loud.

但他們的行為有時有點驕枉過正

They have the Napoleon complex of demographics,

他們有拿破崙矮子情節的自卑傾向

and yes, some of the men do wear heels.

而且沒錯他們有些男人甚至還穿高跟鞋

As a social justice comedian,

身為一位社會正義喜劇演員

it's my goal to convert these haters,

我的目標就是要改變這些憎恨者

because they hate a lot of things, which leads to negative outcomes,

因為他們痛恨很多事常常導致負面的結果

like racism, violence and Ted Nugent.

像是種族歧視暴力行為還有 TED Nugent（搖滾歌手）

This is not an exhaustive list;

我沒有全部列出來

I'm probably missing 3-7 items.

大概少了 3~7 樣

But the point is,

但重點是

we have to reckon with the haters.

我們必須要對付這些憎恨者

But there's variance within this group

但這個群體的人有很多種類型

and it's not efficient to go after all of them, right?

要全面的跟蹤他們不是很有效率 對吧？

So what I've done is created a highly scientific Taxonomy of Haters.

所以我就自創一種高效率的科學分類方法

I basically took all of the haters,

基本上我已經把他們

I put them in a petri dish, like a scientist,

就跟科學家一樣放到培養皿上研究過了

and this is what I found.

以下是我的發現

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

First off, we have the trolls.

首先我們有酸民

These are your garden-variety digital haters.

這些人就是很普通的網路酸民

They're the people who quit their jobs

他們有些人沒有工作

so they can post on YouTube videos all day long.

所以他們可以整天在家裡上傳影片到 Youtube 上

There's also the drive-by haters.

還有一種叫做＂開車幹譙者＂

Now, these people will be at a stoplight,

這些人會在等紅綠燈的時候出現

they'll wait for the light to turn green

他們會等到快要綠燈的時候

and when it does, they yell, "Go back to your own country!"

搖下窗戶大吼＂滾回你的國家！＂

Now back in the day, they would've actually gotten out of their cars

在過去他們會下車

直接面對面幹譙你

and hated you to your face.

But they just don't make them like they used to --

但他們已經沒有往日雄風了

which is another sign of the decline in America.

這也是美國衰弱的另一種現象

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

The next category

下一種類

is the mission-oriented-bigot- whose-group-affiliation-

任務導向偏執狂

團隊感情可以掩飾他們的贈恨的贈恨者

gives-them-cover-for-hating hater.

These guys like to hate via a seemingly nice organization,

這些人會假裝自己像是

教會或非營利組織一類的人

like a church or a nonprofit,

and they oftentimes like to speak in an old-timey voice.

而且常常用一種很老派的方式在說話

But the group I'm most interested in is the swing hater.

但我最感興趣的就是＂搖擺不定的憎恨者＂

The swing hater is sister to the swing voter --

他們就像中間選民

they just can't decide!

一直無法做出決定

They're like ideological sluts

他們像是意識形態的蕩婦

who move from hating to not hating.

一下恨 一下不恨

And they do it because they don't have enough information.

他們會這樣做的原因是因為他們的資訊不足

This is the group I like to target with social justice comedy.

這一群人就是我們用社會正義喜劇調侃的對象

Why comedy?

為什麼是喜劇

Because on a scale of comedy to brochure,

因為在一份喜劇宣傳手冊的調查當中

the average American prefers comedy, as you can see from this graph.

一般美國人比較喜歡看喜劇各位可以從上面的圖表看到

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Comedy is very popular.

喜劇是很受歡迎的呢

And by the way,

順便一提

this is a mathematically accurate graph,

這是一張相當精準的數學統計圖表

generated from fake numbers.

只是數字是瞎掰的

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, the question is:

問題是

Why does social justice comedy work?

為什麼社會正義喜劇有效？

Because, first off, it makes you laugh.

因為首先它會讓你笑

And when you're laughing, you enter into a state of openness.

當你在笑的時候你會進入一種率真的狀態

And in that moment of openness,

在那一刻

a good social justice comedian can stick in a whole bunch of information,

一個好的社會正義喜劇演員就會倒一大堆資訊給你

and if they're really skilled,

如果他們夠搞笑

a rectal exam.

會讓你笑到漏屎

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Here are some ground rules for social justice comedy:

社會正義喜劇有幾項基本原則

first off, it's not partisan.

首先你不可以有政治色彩

This isn't political comedy, this is about justice,

這不是政治的喜劇 這是有關於正義的

and no one is against justice.

因為沒有人會反對正義

Two, it's inviting and warm,

第二 它引人注目而且溫馨

it makes you feel like you're sitting inside of a burrito.

它會讓你感覺坐在墨西哥捲餅裡面

Three, it's funny but sneaky,

第三 它好笑但你要花點頭腦想一下

like you could be hearing an interesting treatise

像是你聽到一篇有關於

收入不公平的有趣論文

on income inequality,

that's encased in a really sophisticated poop joke.

隱含在一個相當複雜的冷笑話裡

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Here's how I see social justice comedy working.

我是這麼看待社會正義喜劇是如何運作起來的

A few years ago, I rounded up a bunch of Muslim-American comedians --

幾年前我找了一群美籍穆斯林喜劇演員

in a non-violent way --

用非暴力的方式啦

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And we went around the country

然後我們到全國各地

to places like Alabama, Arizona, Tennessee, Georgia --

像是阿拉巴馬、亞利桑那、田納西、喬治亞

places where they love the Muzzies --

這幾個愛死了穆斯林人的地方

and we did stand-up shows.

做脫口秀

We called the tour "The Muslims Are Coming!"

我們稱這戲為＂穆斯林來了！＂

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

We turned this into a movie,

我們把它拍成電影

and then after the movie came out,

在電影拍好後

a known hate group spent 300,000 dollars

一個知名的酸民團體花了30萬美金

on an anti-Muslim poster campaign

在紐約地下鐵路系統禮

with the MTA -- that's the New York City subway system.

做了一個反穆斯林的海報宣傳活動

Now, the posters were truly offensive,

那些海報真的很討厭

not to mentioned poorly designed --

更別提它的爛設計

I mean, if you're going to be bigoted,

我的意思是如果你要變成偏執狂

you might as well use a better font.

你應該也要用好看一點的字形啊

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But we decided, why not launch our own poster campaign

但我們決定我們何不也來辦個我們的海報宣傳活動

that says nice things about Muslims,

來講一些穆斯林的優良事蹟

while promoting the movie.

順便推廣電影

So myself and fellow comedian Dean Obeidallah

所以我跟我的喜劇夥伴 汀．歐比達拉

decided to launch the fighting-bigotry- with-delightful-posters campaign.

決定要辦一場反偏執狂的開心海報宣傳活動

We raised the money, worked with the MTA for over 5 months,

我們籌到了錢跟大都會運輸署交涉了五個月

got the posters approved,

運輸署同意海報的內容了

and two days after they were supposed to go up,

兩天後在海報差不多要張貼的時候

the MTA decided to ban the posters,

運輸署突然決定禁止那些海報

citing political content.

因為他們認為有政治色彩

Let's take a look at a couple of those posters.

我們來看一下這幾張海報

Here's one.

這是第一張

Facts about Muslims:

穆斯林的真相一

Muslims invented the concept of a hospital.

穆斯林創造了醫院的概念

OK.

好的

Fact: Grown-up Muslims can do more push-ups than baby Muslims.

真相二 長大後的穆斯林做的伏地挺身會比穆斯林寶寶還要多

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Fact: Muslims invented Justin Timberlake.

真相三 穆斯林創造了賈斯汀．提姆布萊克

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Let's take a look at another one.

我們再看另外一個

The ugly truth about Muslims:

穆斯林醜陋的事實

they have great frittata recipes.

他們有好吃的菜肉餡煎蛋餅食譜

Now clearly, frittatas are considered political by the MTA.

很明顯地大都會運輸署認為餡餅有政治色彩

Either that, or the mere mention of Muslims in a positive light

或者不然就是一提到穆斯林的正面形象

was considered political -- but it isn't.

就是與政治色彩有關但並沒有

It's about justice.

這與正義有關

So we decided to change

所以我們決定把我們原本的

our fighting-bigortry- with-delightful-posters campaign

宣傳活動變成

and turn it into the fighting-bigotry- with-a-delightful-lawsuit campaign.

反偏執狂的開心法律訴訟活動

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So basically, what I'm saying is a couple of dirt-bag comedians

所以基本上可以這麼說

took on a major New York City agency

就是兩個撿破爛的喜劇演員槓上紐約市政府

and the comedians won.

喜劇演員贏了

(Applause and cheers)

（掌聲加歡呼）

Thank you.

謝謝！

Victory was a very weird feeling.

勝利真的是一種很奇怪的感覺

I was like, "Is this what blonde girls feel like all the time?

我在想這是不是就是金髮女郎常有的飄飄然感覺啊？

'Cause this is amazing!"

因為真的太神奇了

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Here's another example.

這裡還有另一個例子

I'm asked everywhere I go: "Why don't Muslims denounce terrorism?"

我到哪都會被問到＂為什麼穆斯林不公開指責恐怖攻擊？＂

We do. But OK, I'll take the bait.

我們有 但我確實被問到了

So I decided to launch thedailydenouncer.com.

所以我決定要發佈這個網站“thedailydenouncer.com”

It's a website that denounces terrorism every day of the week,

這是一個每個工作日都會公開譴責恐怖攻擊的網站

while taking the weekends off.

除了公共假日以外

Let's take a look at an example.

我們來看個例子

They generally appear as single-panel cartoons,

他們通常都會以單格漫畫來呈現

"I denounce terrorism! I also denounce people who never fill the paper tray!"

＂我公開譴責恐怖攻擊 我也要公開譴責那些從來不放紙在紙匣的人！＂

The point of the website is that it denounces terrorism

網站的重點就是公開譴責恐怖攻擊的同時

while recognizing that it's ridiculous

也調侃一下我們必須不斷地

that we have to constantly denounce terrorism.

一直公開譴責恐怖攻擊這件事有多荒謬

But if bigotry isn't your thing,

但如果偏執狂不是你的菜

social justice comedy is useful for all sorts of issues.

社會正義喜劇在很多事情上也很有貢獻

For example, myself and fellow comedian Lee Camp

舉例我跟我的喜劇夥伴李坎普

went to the Cayman Islands to investigate offshore banking.

潛入到開曼群島調查海外銀行

Now, the United States loses something like 300 billion dollars a year

美國現在每年差不多在這些海外的逃稅天堂

in these offshore tax havens.

損失將近3000億的稅收

Not to brag,

不是我在吹牛

but at the end of every month,

我每個月底

I have something like 5-15 dollars in disposable income.

都有額外 5~15 元的可支配收入

So we walked into these banks in the Cayman Islands

所以我們走進開曼群島的這些銀行裡面

and asked if we could open up a bank account

然後問他們

with eight dollars and 27 cents.

我們可不可以用8美元27分開個銀行戶頭

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

The bank managers would indulge us for 30-45 seconds before calling security.

銀行經理在叫保全趕我們走之前會先被我們玩弄 30~45 秒

Security would come out, brandish their weapons,

之後保全會過來揮舞著他們的武器

and then we would squeal with fear and run away,

然後我們就帶著恐懼並尖叫著跑走了

because -- and this is the last rule of social justice comedy --

因為這是社會正義喜劇的最後一條規則

sometimes it makes you want to take a dump in your pants.

有時它會讓你笑到抓狂

Most of my work is meant to be fun.

我大部的工作本來就是在搞笑

It's meant to generate a connection and laughter.

就是把笑聲傳遞給觀眾

But yes, sometimes I get run off the grounds by security.

但的確有時候會玩太過火也會有安全問題

Sometimes I get mean tweets and hate mail.

有時候我會收到惡意的推文和憤恨的郵件

Sometimes I get voice mails saying that if I continue telling my jokes,

有時候還會收到電話留言說如果我繼續講我的笑話

they'll kill me and they'll kill my family.

他們會把我殺了還有殺了我的家人

And those death threats are definitely not funny.

這些恐嚇信真的一點也不好笑

But despite the occasional danger,

但除了這些偶發的事情

I still think that social justice comedy is one of our best weapons.

我仍然認為社會正義喜劇是我們其中一個最好的武器

I mean, we've tried a lot of approaches to social justice,

我的意思是我們嘗試了很多方式要達到社會正義

like war and competitive ice dancing.

像是發動戰爭或是冰上芭雷比賽

But still, a lot of things are still kind of awful.

但很多事仍然很很糟糕

So I think it's time we try and tell a really good poop joke.

所以我認為是時候我們要嘗試講真正好笑的冷笑話了！

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）