The profound power of an authentic apology | Eve Ensler

Prevodilac: Una Pilipovic Lektor: Ivana Korom

For the past few years, we've been calling men out.

U poslednjih nekoliko godina, prozivamo muškarce.

It had to be done.

Morali smo to da učinimo.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder.

Nedavno sam počela da mislim da treba nešto još teže da preduzmemo.

We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says,

Moramo, kako bi moj dobar drug, Toni Porter, rekao,

to find a way to call men in.

da nađemo način da ih uključimo u razgovor.

My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old.

Moj otac počeo je da me seksualno zlostavlja kada sam imala pet godina.

He would come into my room in the middle of the night.

Došao bi u moju sobu usred noći.

He appeared to be in a trance.

Činilo se kao da je u transu.

The abuse continued until I was 10.

Zlostavljanje se nastavilo do moje desete godine.

When I tried to resist him,

Kada sam pokušala da se odbranim,

when I was finally able to say no,

kada sam napokon postala sposobna da mu kažem "Ne.",

he began to beat me.

počeo je da me tuče.

He called me stupid.

Nazivao me glupom.

He said I was a liar.

Govorio da sam lažov.

The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,

Seksualno zlostavljanje završilo se kada sam imala 10 godina,

but actually, it never ended.

ali se, zapravo, nikad nije završilo.

It changed who I was.

Promenilo me je kao osobu.

I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time,

Bila sam ispunjena strahom i krivicom, i sramotom sve vreme,

and I didn't know why.

i nisam znala zašto.

I hated my body, I hated myself,

Mrzela sam svoje telo, mrzela sam sebe,

I got sick a lot,

često sam bila bolesna,

I couldn't think,

nisam mogla da razmišljam,

I couldn't remember things.

pamćenje me nije služilo.

I was drawn to dangerous men and women

Privlačili su me opasni muškarci i žene

who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly,

kojima sam dopuštala - zapravo sam to i dozivala - da me loše tretiraju,

because that is what my father taught me love was.

jer me je otac naučio da je to ljubav.

I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me.

Ceo život sam čekala da mi se otac izvini.

He didn't.

Nije.

He wouldn't.

Nije hteo.

And then, with the recent scandals of famous men,

A onda, nakon aktuelnih skandala poznatih muškaraca,

as one after another was exposed,

dok su se jedan za drugim otkrivali,

I realized something:

shvatila sam nešto:

I have never heard a man

nikada nisam čula muškarca,

who has committed rape or physical violence

koji je izvršio silovanje ili fizičko nasilje,

ever publicly apologize to his victim.

kako se javno izvinjava svojoj žrtvi.

I began to wonder,

Počela sam se pitati,

what would an authentic, deep apology be like?

kako bi izgledalo jedno iskreno i ozbiljno izvinjenje.

So, something strange began to happen.

Tako je nešto čudno počelo da se dešava.

I began to write,

Počela sam da pišem,

and my father's voice began to come through me.

i glas moga oca počeo je kroz mene da se oglašava.

He began to tell me what he had done

Počeo je da mi govori šta mi je uradio

and why.

i zašto.

He began to apologize.

Počeo je da se izvinjava.

My father is dead almost 31 years,

Otac mi je mrtav već skoro 31 godinu,

and yet, in this apology,

ali bez obzira, u tom izvinjenju,

the one I had to write for him,

koje sam ja morala da napišem za njega,

I discovered the power of an apology

otkrila sam moć izvinjenja

and how it actually might be the way to move forward

i kako bi ono moglo biti pravi način da krenemo dalje,

in the crisis we now face

u krizi u kojoj se nalazimo trenutno

with men and all the women they abuse.

sa muškarcima i svim ženama koje oni zlostavljaju.

Apology is a sacred commitment.

Izvinjenje je sveto delo.

It requires complete honesty.

Zahteva potpunu iskrenost.

It demands deep self-interrogation and time.

Zahteva duboko ispitivanje samoga sebe i mnogo vremena.

It cannot be rushed.

Ne može se požurivati.

I discovered an apology has four steps,

Saznala sam da se izvinjenje sastoji od četiri koraka,

and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.

koja bih, ako vam to odgovara, htela da vam predstavim.

The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did.

Kao prvo morate detaljno izreći šta ste učinili.

Your accounting cannot be vague.

Vaše izvinjenje ne sme da bude nejasno.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you"

"Izvini, ako sam te povredio"

or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"

"Izvini, ako sam te seksualno zlostavljao,"

doesn't cut it.

nije dovoljno.

You have to say what actually happened.

Morate reći šta se tačno dogodilo.

"I came into the room in the middle of the night,

"Došao sam ti u sobu usred noći,

and I pulled your underpants down."

i skinuo ti gaćice."

"I belittled you because I was jealous of you

"Omalovažavao sam te jer sam ti zavideo

and I wanted you to feel less."

i hteo da se osećaš manje vrednom."

The liberation is in the details.

Oslobođenje se nalazi u detaljima.

An apology is a remembering.

Izvinjenje je prisećanje.

It connects the past with the present.

Spaja prošlost i sadašnjost.

It says that what occurred actually did occur.

Potvrđuje da se ono što se desilo stvarno desilo.

The second step is you have to ask yourself why.

Drugi korak je da se upitate "Zašto?".

Survivors are haunted by the why.

Preživele progoni pitanje "Zašto?".

Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?

Zašto? Zašto bi moj otac hteo da seksualno zlostavlja svoju najstariju ćerku?

Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall?

Zašto bi hteo da mi glavu udari o zid?

In my father's case,

U slučaju moga oca,

he was a child born long after the other children.

bio je dete rođeno mnogo posle ostale dece.

He was an accident that became "the miracle."

Bio je nepredviđen i postao "čudo".

He was adored and treated as the golden boy.

Obožavali su ga i tretirali ga kao nešto sasvim posebno - omiljeno dete.

But adoration, it turns out, is not love.

Ali obožavanje, ispostavilo se, nije ljubav.

Adoration is a projection

Obožavanje je projekcija

of someone's need for you to be perfect

nečije potrebe da budeš savršen

onto you.

na tebe.

My father had to live up to this impossible ideal,

Moj otac morao je da dostigne taj nemogući ideal,

and so he was never allowed to be himself.

pa zato nikada nije smeo da bude ono što jeste.

He was never allowed to express tenderness

Nikada nije smeo da izrazi nežnost

or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.

ili ranjivost, radoznalost, neizvesnost.

He was never allowed to cry.

Nikada nije smeo da zaplače.

And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground,

I tako je bio prisiljen da sva svoja osećanja potisne,

and they eventually metastasized.

i ona su na kraju metastazirala.

Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman,

Ta potisnuta osećanja kasnije su postala senka,

and he was out of control,

i ta senka izgubila je kontrolu,

and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.

pa je, naposletku, kada je puštena sa lanca, krenula na mene.

The third step is you have to open your heart

Treći korak je da morate otvoriti dušu

and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her.

i osetiti kako se vaša žrtva osećala dok ste je zlostavljali.

You have to let your heart break.

Morate svome srcu dopustiti da se slomi.

You have to feel the horror and betrayal

Morate osetiti taj horor i tu izdaju

and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim.

i dugoročni uticaj vašeg zlostavljanja na vašu žrtvu.

You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.

Morate sesti sa patnjom koju ste uzrokovali.

And, of course, the fourth step

I, naravno, četvrti korak je

is taking responsibility for what you have done

da prihvatitie svoju krivicu u onome što se uradili

and making amends.

i ispravite grešku.

So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process?

Dakle, zašto bi iko poželeo da prođe kroz toliko naporan i ponižavajuć proces?

Why would you want to rip yourself open?

Zašto bi neko hteo da se toliko otvori?

Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free.

Zato što je to jedino što bi vas moglo osloboditi.

It is the only thing that will set your victim free.

Takođe je jedino što bi oslobodilo njegovu žrtvu.

You didn't just destroy your victim.

Niste uništili samo vašu žrtvu.

You destroyed yourself.

Uništili ste i samoga sebe.

There is no one who enacts violence on another person

Ne postoji osoba koja drugoj nanosi zlo,

who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves.

a posledice ne nosi i sama.

It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit,

Stvara neverovatno mračnu i zaraznu energiju,

and it spreads throughout your entire life.

koja se širi kroz ceo vaš život.

The apology I wrote -- I learned something

Izvinjenje koje sam napisala - naučila sam nešto

about a different lens we have to look through

o drugoj prespektivi, iz koje treba da posmatramo,

to understand the problem of men's violence

kako bismo razumeli problem muškog nasilja,

that I and one billion other women have survived.

koje smo preživele ja i milijardu drugih žena.

We often turn to punishment first.

Često se prvo osvrćemo kazni.

It's our first instinct, but actually,

To nam je prvi instinkt, ali zapravo,

although punishment sometimes is effective,

iako je kazna nekada efikasna,

on its own, it is not enough.

sama po sebi nije dovoljna.

My father punished me.

Moj otac me je kažnjavao.

I was shut down,

Bila sam odbačena

and I was broken.

i bila sam slomljena.

I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us.

Smatram da nas kazne čine jačima ali nas ne uče ničemu.

Humiliation is not revelation.

Poniženje nije otkrovenje.

We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment,

Moramo da stvorimo proces, koji možda obuhvata i kaznu,

whereby we open a doorway

ali i otvara vrata mogućnosti

where men can actually become something and someone else.

da muškarci postanu nešto drugo ili neko drugi.

For so many years, I hated my father.

Toliko godina mrzela sam svoga oca.

I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.

Htela sam da umre. Htela sam da ga pritvore.

But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story.

Ali me je taj bes povezivao sa očevom pričom.

What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped.

Ono što sam stvarno htela nije bilo samo da ga neko zaustavi.

I wanted him to change.

Htela sam da se promeni.

I wanted him to apologize.

Htela sam da se izvini.

That's what we want.

To je ono što želimo.

We don't want men to be destroyed,

Ne želimo da muškarci budu uništeni,

we don't want them to only be punished.

ne želimo da budu samo kažnjavani.

We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed,

Želimo da nas vide, žrtve kojima su naudili,

and we want them to repent

i želimo da se pokajaju

and change.

i da se promene.

And I actually believe this is possible.

A ja stvarno verujem da je to moguće.

And I really believe it's our way forward.

I ja stvarno verujem da nam je to način da krenemo dalje.

But we need men to join us.

Ali treba da nam se muškarci priključe.

We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation.

Treba da muškarci budu hrabri i budu deo ove transformacije.

I have spent most of my life calling men out,

Provela sam većinu svog života kritikujući muškarce,

and I am here now,

i sad sam ovde,

right now,

da vas upravo sad,

to call you in.

pozovem, da se priključite razgovoru.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

Thank you, thank you.

Hvala vam, hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)