The profound power of an authentic apology | Eve Ensler

譯者: Pei-Chen Benson Liu 審譯者: NAN-KUN WU

For the past few years, we've been calling men out.

近些年，我們一直在抨擊父權社會

It had to be done.

你我都知道這是必要的

(Applause)

（掌聲）

But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder.

最近，我更認為應該 採取更強硬的手段

We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says,

就像我的朋友湯尼．波特 所言，我們必需

to find a way to call men in.

找出方法，讓男性參與其中

My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old.

自我五歲起，我父親 便開始對我施予性虐待

He would come into my room in the middle of the night.

他會在半夜進到我房間

He appeared to be in a trance.

看似無法控制自己

The abuse continued until I was 10.

整件事持續到我 10 歲

When I tried to resist him,

當時，我試著拒絕他

when I was finally able to say no,

我終於有勇氣頂撞他

he began to beat me.

我父親便開始毆打我

He called me stupid.

他辱罵我是蠢蛋

He said I was a liar.

是個騙子

The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,

10 歲後，性虐待彷彿畫下句點

but actually, it never ended.

但事實上，永遠沒有結束的一天

It changed who I was.

這樣的事改變了我這個人

I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time,

我隨時無來由的

感到焦慮、罪惡、羞恥

and I didn't know why.

I hated my body, I hated myself,

我厭惡我的身體，也厭惡我自己

I got sick a lot,

我很常生病

I couldn't think,

我無法思考

I couldn't remember things.

我記性很差

I was drawn to dangerous men and women

我為危險份子所迷惑

who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly,

我讓我自己這樣，應該說 我樂意暴露在危險之中

because that is what my father taught me love was.

這是我父親教會我的 我以為這就是愛

I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me.

我一生都在等，等我父親向我道歉

He didn't.

他並沒有這麼做

He wouldn't.

他也不會這麼做

And then, with the recent scandals of famous men,

最近，那些男性公眾人物爆出醜聞

as one after another was exposed,

一件接著一件攤在大眾眼前

I realized something:

我領悟到一件事

I have never heard a man

我從來沒聽過男性

who has committed rape or physical violence

那些犯下強暴或肢體暴力的男性

ever publicly apologize to his victim.

公開向受害者表達歉意

I began to wonder,

我感到非常不解

what would an authentic, deep apology be like?

真心道歉會是什麼樣子

So, something strange began to happen.

所以，意想不到的事發生了

I began to write,

我開始寫作

and my father's voice began to come through me.

我父親的聲音在我腦海中迴盪

He began to tell me what he had done

他跟我說了他犯下什麼錯

and why.

還有為什麼要這麼做

He began to apologize.

我父親向我道歉

My father is dead almost 31 years,

他離開快 31 年了

and yet, in this apology,

但這一次道歉

the one I had to write for him,

是我替他寫的

I discovered the power of an apology

我感受到道歉的力量

這也許是我們告別不堪過往的方法

and how it actually might be the way to move forward

in the crisis we now face

對現在無數施暴的男性和受暴的女性

with men and all the women they abuse.

也許都很管用

Apology is a sacred commitment.

道歉是至高無上的承諾

It requires complete honesty.

需要十足的誠實

It demands deep self-interrogation and time.

需要質問自己的內心，也需要時間

It cannot be rushed.

這件事急不來

I discovered an apology has four steps,

我發現，道歉有四個步驟

and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.

請讓我跟各位一一說明

The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did.

首先，你必須詳細表明你做了什麼

Your accounting cannot be vague.

不得含糊帶過

"I'm sorry if I hurt you"

「對不起，我傷害了你」

or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"

或是「我曾經對你性虐待，很抱歉」

doesn't cut it.

不要想長話短說

You have to say what actually happened.

你必須要描述當時的情形

"I came into the room in the middle of the night,

「我半夜進到你房間

and I pulled your underpants down."

把你的內褲脫下來」

"I belittled you because I was jealous of you

「我這麼貶低你是因為忌妒心

and I wanted you to feel less."

我想要你覺得自己一文不值」

The liberation is in the details.

這些細節會斷開一切束縛

An apology is a remembering.

道歉能夠刻骨銘心

It connects the past with the present.

連結了過往和當下

It says that what occurred actually did occur.

道歉讓我們正視這些事

The second step is you have to ask yourself why.

下一步是問問自己背後的原因

Survivors are haunted by the why.

這些原因長久糾纏著倖存者

Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?

為什麼？我父親為什麼 想要性虐待他的大女兒？

Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall?

為什麼他會攫著我的頭，砸向牆壁？

In my father's case,

我父親因為

he was a child born long after the other children.

與兄姐年齡差異甚大

He was an accident that became "the miracle."

他當時是意外之喜，是個「奇蹟」

He was adored and treated as the golden boy.

他集寵愛於一身，是家裡的寶貝

But adoration, it turns out, is not love.

如此的寵愛，實則並不是單純的愛

Adoration is a projection

而是讓他肩上承載了

of someone's need for you to be perfect

一家人的期望

凡事必須臻至完美

onto you.

My father had to live up to this impossible ideal,

我父親日日被這種無理要求所逼

and so he was never allowed to be himself.

他甚至沒辦法做自己

He was never allowed to express tenderness

他從來不能展現溫柔的一面

or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.

或是脆弱、好奇和疑慮

He was never allowed to cry.

他必須忍住淚水

And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground,

強迫自己把所有情緒吞下肚

and they eventually metastasized.

這些情緒漸漸轉移到別的地方

Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman,

他壓抑情緒，心中有了陰影

and he was out of control,

自己也控制不了

and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.

他將這些情緒洪流宣洩在我身上

The third step is you have to open your heart

第三個步驟：你必須敞開心胸

and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her.

替被害者角度感受 當你施暴時，她是作何感想

You have to let your heart break.

你也該嚐嚐那種撕心裂肺

You have to feel the horror and betrayal

也該感受恐懼或遭背叛的感覺

and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim.

還有你的行為帶給受害者長期影響

You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.

你必須壟罩在自己招致的痛苦中

And, of course, the fourth step

最後，第四個步驟

is taking responsibility for what you have done

為自己的行為擔起責任

and making amends.

並且做出改變

So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process?

哪裡會有人願意歷經 這樣折磨人又放下身段的過程

Why would you want to rip yourself open?

哪裡會有人願意揭開身上的舊傷疤

Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free.

因為這是解脫的唯一途徑

It is the only thing that will set your victim free.

也只有這個辦法 能讓你的受害者走出陰霾

You didn't just destroy your victim.

你不只毀了受害者的一生

You destroyed yourself.

更摧毀了自己

There is no one who enacts violence on another person

凡是向人動粗

who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves.

便一定會咎由自取、迎來痛苦

It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit,

這樣的行為將使心靈失去色彩與純潔

and it spreads throughout your entire life.

一生都會身受其害

The apology I wrote -- I learned something

藉由寫下道歉的字眼 我學到了一件事

about a different lens we have to look through

我們必須把有色眼光抽離

to understand the problem of men's violence

以正視男性暴力這個問題

that I and one billion other women have survived.

包括我在內的十億名女性 必須活在這道陰影下

We often turn to punishment first.

我們常想先付諸懲罰途徑

It's our first instinct, but actually,

這是反射動作，但實際上

although punishment sometimes is effective,

也許懲罰有時會起效果

on its own, it is not enough.

仍然是勢單力薄、力有未逮

My father punished me.

我父親懲罰我

I was shut down,

他否定我的價值

and I was broken.

讓我悲痛欲絕

I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us.

我認為懲罰讓我們更冷酷 卻沒學到真理

Humiliation is not revelation.

污辱並不能表達任何事情

We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment,

我們必須創造一個途徑 也許包含懲罰於其中

whereby we open a doorway

我們能釋出機會

where men can actually become something and someone else.

讓男人能扮演不同的角色

For so many years, I hated my father.

我憎恨我父親非常多年

I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.

我咒他死，也期盼牢獄之災降臨於他

But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story.

事實上，如此忿恨卻讓我 更貼近我父親的背景

What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped.

我不只是想我父親能夠停止

I wanted him to change.

我希望他有所改變

I wanted him to apologize.

和表達歉意

That's what we want.

這是我們要的

We don't want men to be destroyed,

我們不是要他們粉身碎骨

we don't want them to only be punished.

也並非僅僅受到懲罰

We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed,

他們應該看見自己的惡行傷害了受害者

and we want them to repent

並且深深悔改

and change.

和改過自新

And I actually believe this is possible.

我相信確實是有可能的

And I really believe it's our way forward.

也認為這是我們下一個方向

But we need men to join us.

但我們需要男性的投入

We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation.

我們需要男性鼓起勇氣 參與這樣的轉型過程

I have spent most of my life calling men out,

我一生始終在抨擊父權主義

and I am here now,

但就在這個場合

right now,

這個時間

to call you in.

我希望你們加入

Thank you.

謝謝大家

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you.

謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Thank you, thank you.

非常謝謝

(Applause)

（掌聲）