The profound power of an authentic apology | Eve Ensler

翻译人员: Jiasi Hao 校对人员: Lipeng Chen

For the past few years, we've been calling men out.

在过去几年， 我们不断在揭发男人们的恶行。

我们必须做这件事。

It had to be done.

(Applause)

（掌声）

But lately, I've been thinking we need to do something even harder.

但最近，我一直在思考 我们需要做一项更艰巨的事情。

We need, as my good friend Tony Porter says,

就像我朋友托尼·波特说的那样， 我们需要

找到一个方法， 让男性参与到这项事业。

to find a way to call men in.

My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years old.

我父亲在我 5 岁的时候， 开始对我进行性虐待。

He would come into my room in the middle of the night.

他会在半夜进到我的房间，

He appeared to be in a trance.

看起来神情恍惚。

The abuse continued until I was 10.

虐待持续到了我 10 岁的时候。

When I tried to resist him,

当我尝试拒绝他，

when I was finally able to say no,

当我终于能够说“不”，

he began to beat me.

他开始殴打我。

He called me stupid.

他辱骂我愚蠢，

He said I was a liar.

称我是个撒谎者。

The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,

父亲对我的性虐待 在我 10 岁的时候停止了，

but actually, it never ended.

但实际上，它从未停止。

It changed who I was.

它改变了我。

I was filled with anxiety and guilt and shame all the time,

我曾总是满怀焦虑、 愧疚和羞耻的情绪，

and I didn't know why.

我也不知道为什么。

我讨厌自己的身体， 我讨厌我自己，

I hated my body, I hated myself,

I got sick a lot,

我病得很重，

I couldn't think,

无法思考，

I couldn't remember things.

记性也很差。

I was drawn to dangerous men and women

我被危险的男女所吸引，

who I allowed -- actually, I invited -- to treat me badly,

我自愿的——实际上， 我很乐意——被糟糕地对待，

because that is what my father taught me love was.

因为这是我父亲教我的， 对爱的理解。

I waited my whole life for my father to apologize to me.

我等待了一生， 等着我父亲向我道歉。

He didn't.

他没有，

He wouldn't.

也不会这样做。

最近一些男性公众人物的丑闻

And then, with the recent scandals of famous men,

as one after another was exposed,

一个个被揭露，

我意识到一件事：

I realized something:

I have never heard a man

我从未听到过

一个犯下强暴 或肢体暴力罪名的男性

who has committed rape or physical violence

ever publicly apologize to his victim.

曾向其受害者公开道歉。

I began to wonder,

我开始思考，

what would an authentic, deep apology be like?

一个真诚的道歉会是怎样的？

So, something strange began to happen.

所以有些奇怪的事情开始发生。

I began to write,

我开始写作，

and my father's voice began to come through me.

之后我父亲的声音开始重现。

He began to tell me what he had done

他开始告诉我 他之前到底做了什么错事，

and why.

以及为什么他会这么做。

He began to apologize.

他开始道歉。

My father is dead almost 31 years,

我父亲已经去世了将近 31 年，

and yet, in this apology,

但是，

the one I had to write for him,

在这封我替他写的道歉信中，

我发现了道歉的力量，

I discovered the power of an apology

and how it actually might be the way to move forward

这实际上可能是一种

in the crisis we now face

能让所有施暴男性和受暴女性

with men and all the women they abuse.

度过眼前危难的方法。

Apology is a sacred commitment.

道歉是一种至高无上的承诺。

It requires complete honesty.

它要求绝对的诚实。

It demands deep self-interrogation and time.

它需要深层的自我拷问和时间。

It cannot be rushed.

不能着急。

我发现，道歉通常有 4 个步骤，

I discovered an apology has four steps,

and, if you would, I'd like to take you through them.

如果你要道歉， 我很乐意和你们分享这 4 个步骤。

The first is you have to say what, in detail, you did.

第一，你必须要 详细陈述你做了什么。

Your accounting cannot be vague.

你的描述不能模棱两可。

"I'm sorry if I hurt you"

“如果我伤到你了，对不起。”

or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"

或“如果我性虐待你了，对不起。”

doesn't cut it.

这样的话并没有任何帮助。

You have to say what actually happened.

你必须要说清真正发生了什么。

"I came into the room in the middle of the night,

“我在半夜跑到你的房间，

and I pulled your underpants down."

脱下你的内裤。”

"I belittled you because I was jealous of you

“我贬低了你，因为我嫉妒你，

and I wanted you to feel less."

我想要让你感到自己一文不值。”

The liberation is in the details.

解脱在于细节。

An apology is a remembering.

道歉是一场追忆。

It connects the past with the present.

它联系着过去和现在。

It says that what occurred actually did occur.

它诉说着过去真实发生的事情。

The second step is you have to ask yourself why.

第二步，你需要询问自己为什么。

Survivors are haunted by the why.

幸存者始终会被“为什么”所烦扰。

为什么？为什么我的父亲 想要性虐待自己的大女儿？

Why? Why would my father want to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?

Why would he take my head and smash it against a wall?

为什么他会抓着我的头 并用力往墙上撞？

In my father's case,

以我父亲为例，

he was a child born long after the other children.

他比其他兄弟姐妹小很多。

He was an accident that became "the miracle."

他的出生是一个“奇迹般的”意外。

He was adored and treated as the golden boy.

他一直都是个被家人 爱慕宠溺着的男孩。

But adoration, it turns out, is not love.

但是“爱慕”，实际上与“爱”不同。

Adoration is a projection

爱慕是一种

of someone's need for you to be perfect

其他人将所有期望寄托于你，

onto you.

想要你变得完美的情感。

My father had to live up to this impossible ideal,

我的父亲必须承担起这些 难以实现的期望，

and so he was never allowed to be himself.

所以他从来不被允许做自己。

He was never allowed to express tenderness

他从来不被允许表达自己的温柔

or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.

或是脆弱、好奇和疑问。

He was never allowed to cry.

他从来不被允许流泪。

因此他被迫将所有的 这些感情和情绪隐藏起来，

And so he was forced to push all those feelings underground,

and they eventually metastasized.

以至于最终它们都被转移了。

Those suppressed feelings later became Shadowman,

这些压抑的情绪后来 变成了他内心深处的人影，

and he was out of control,

使他失控了，

and he eventually unleashed his torrent on me.

最后他把那些激动情绪 都发泄在了我的身上。

The third step is you have to open your heart

第三步，就是你需要敞开心扉，

and feel what your victim felt as you were abusing her.

对你的受害者在被你虐待时 所承受的痛苦感同身受。

你必须让自己感到撕心裂肺。

You have to let your heart break.

你必须让自己感到恐惧、背叛，

You have to feel the horror and betrayal

and the long-term impacts of your abuse on your victim.

以及你的虐待行为 对受害者造成的长期影响。

You have to sit with the suffering you have caused.

你必须与自己招致的煎熬共处。

And, of course, the fourth step

当然，第四步，

is taking responsibility for what you have done

就是承担你过去行为的责任，

and making amends.

并改正。

So, why would anyone want to go through such a grueling and humbling process?

为什么有人会想经历这样一个 磨人且屈辱的过程？

Why would you want to rip yourself open?

为什么你想要揭开自己的旧痂？

Because it is the only thing that will set yourself free.

因为这是唯一 一个你能解放自己的方法。

It is the only thing that will set your victim free.

这是唯一一个 你能解放你的受害者的方法。

You didn't just destroy your victim.

你不仅只是摧毁了你的受害者，

You destroyed yourself.

你也摧毁了自己。

There is no one who enacts violence on another person

没有人能对自己施于他人的 暴力行为的影响无动于衷，

who doesn't suffer from the effects themselves.

他们因自己的行为饱受折磨。

It creates an incredibly dark and contaminating spirit,

这能在你的整个余生中，

创造出一个令人难以置信的 黑暗且被玷污的灵魂。

and it spreads throughout your entire life.

The apology I wrote -- I learned something

我写下的道歉—— 我从中学会了一件事：

about a different lens we have to look through

我们需要从不同角度

to understand the problem of men's violence

来了解男性的暴力问题，

that I and one billion other women have survived.

这个曾一直困扰 我与其他十亿女性的问题。

We often turn to punishment first.

我们总是首先寻求惩罚。

It's our first instinct, but actually,

这是我们的本能直觉，

但实际上，尽管有时 惩罚本身是有效的，

although punishment sometimes is effective,

on its own, it is not enough.

但仅靠它，还远远不够。

My father punished me.

我的父亲惩罚了我。

I was shut down,

我变得渺小无力，

and I was broken.

我变得支离破碎。

I think punishment hardens us, but it doesn't teach us.

我认为惩罚只会让我们 变得更加强硬，而非反思教育。

Humiliation is not revelation.

羞辱某人并没有任何启发性作用。

We actually need to create a process that may involve punishment,

我们实际上需要建立一个 可能包含但不仅局限于惩罚的流程。

whereby we open a doorway

我们可以为那些施暴者 打开一扇门，

where men can actually become something and someone else.

给他们一个机会去改过自新。

For so many years, I hated my father.

那么多年来，我一直痛恨我的父亲。

I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.

我想他死，我想要他进监狱。

But actually, that rage kept me connected to my father's story.

但其实这一愤怒情绪 一直让我父亲的故事与我牵绊在一起。

What I really wanted wasn't just for my father to be stopped.

我真正想要的 不只是阻止我父亲的行为，

I wanted him to change.

而是他本身的改变。

I wanted him to apologize.

我希望他能道歉。

That's what we want.

这是我想要的。

We don't want men to be destroyed,

我们不想要施暴者们被摧毁，

we don't want them to only be punished.

我们不想要施暴者们仅仅被惩罚。

We want them to see us, the victims that they have harmed,

我们想让他们正视我们， 我们这些他们曾经伤害的受害者们，

and we want them to repent

我们也想让他们感到悔恨，

and change.

并且做出改变。

And I actually believe this is possible.

我相信这是可能的，

And I really believe it's our way forward.

我也相信这是我们前行的道路。

But we need men to join us.

但我们需要男人加入我们。

We need men now to be brave and be part of this transformation.

我们需要男人鼓起勇气， 成为这一转变的一部分。

I have spent most of my life calling men out,

我用了大半生致力于 揭发男人们的恶行。

and I am here now,

今天，我站在这里，

right now,

就在此时此刻，

to call you in.

我想邀请你们加入我。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）

Thank you, thank you.

谢谢，谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）