How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks

Prevodilac: Ivana Krivokuća Lektor: Tijana Mihajlović

I'm a painter.

Slikarka sam.

I make large-scale figurative paintings,

Slikam velike figurativne slike,

which means I paint people

što znači da slikam ljude ovako.

like this.

But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal

Večeras sam ovde da bih vam pričala o ličnoj stvari

that changed my work and my perspective.

koja je promenila moj rad i moju tačku gledišta.

It's something we all go through,

To je nešto kroz šta svi prolazimo,

and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

a ja se nadam da će moje iskustvo možda nekome biti od pomoći.

To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.

Da vam pružim uvid u svoje poreklo, odrasla sam kao najmlađe od osmoro dece.

Yes, eight kids in my family.

Da, osmoro dece u mojoj porodici.

I have six older brothers and a sister.

Imam šestoricu starije braće i sestru.

To give you a sense of what that's like,

Da bih vam približila kako to izgleda,

when my family went on vacation,

kada je moja porodica išla na odmor,

we had a bus.

imali smo autobus.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

My supermom would drive us all over town

Moja supermama bi nas vozila svuda po gradu

to our various after-school activities --

na naše razne vanškolske aktivnosti -

not in the bus.

ne autobusom.

We had a regular car, too.

Imali smo i normalan auto.

She would take me to art classes,

Vodila bi me na časove umetnosti, i to ne samo na jedan ili dva.

and not just one or two.

She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,

Vodila me je na sve postojeće časove umetnosti

od moje osme do šesnaeste godine,

because that's all I wanted to do.

jer je to sve čime sam želela da se bavim.

She even took a class with me in New York City.

Čak je i pohađala jedan kurs sa mnom u Njujorku.

Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.

Kao najmlađe od osmoro dece, naučila sam nekoliko veština preživljavanja.

Rule number one:

Pravilo broj jedan -

don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid.

ne dopustite da vaš stariji brat vidi kako radite nešto glupo.

So I learned to be quiet and neat

Tako sam naučila da budem tiha i uredna

and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

i da pazim da sledim pravila i prilagodim se.

But painting was where I made the rules.

Međutim, u slikarstvu sam ja određivala pravila.

That was my private world.

To je bio moj privatni svet.

By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.

Do 14. godine sam znala da zaista želim da budem umetnica.

My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.

Moj veliki plan je bio da budem konobarica da bih mogla da finansiram slikanje.

So I continued honing my skills.

Nastavila sam da usavršavam svoje veštine.

I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,

Pohađala sam postdiplomske studije i stekla master diplomu lepih umetnosti,

and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,

a na mojoj prvoj samostalnoj izložbi, brat me je upitao:

"What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?"

„Šta označavaju te crvene tačke pored slika?“

Nobody was more surprised than me.

Niko se nije više iznenadio od mene.

The red dots meant that the paintings were sold

Crvene tačke su značile da su slike prodate

and that I'd be able to pay my rent

i da ću moći da platim stanarinu

with painting.

pomoću slikarstva.

Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,

Moj stan je imao četiri utičnice

and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,

i nisam mogla da istovremeno koristim mikrotalasnu i toster,

but still, I could pay my rent.

no, ipak sam mogla da platim kiriju,

So I was very happy.

tako da sam bila veoma srećna.

Here's a painting from back around that time.

Evo slike iz tog vremena.

Bilo mi je potrebno da bude što je moguće više realistična.

I needed it to be as realistic as possible.

It had to be specific and believable.

Morala je da bude specifična i uverljiva.

This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

To je bilo mesto na kome sam bila izolovana i koje sam potpuno kontrolisala.

Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water.

Od tada sam razvila karijeru slikajući ljude u vodi.

Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.

Kade i tuševi su bili savršeni ograđeni ambijent.

It was intimate and private,

Bilo je intimno i privatno,

and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.

a voda je bila složeni izazov koji me je okupirao čitavu deceniju.

I made about 200 of these paintings,

Naslikala sam oko 200 ovih slika,

some of them six to eight feet,

od kojih su neke i do 2,5 metra,

like this one.

kao što je ova.

For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy

Za ovu sliku sam pomešala brašno sa vodom za kupanje da bi bila zamućena,

and I floated cooking oil on the surface

stavila sam jestivo ulje na površinu

and stuck a girl in it,

i umetnula devojku u to,

and when I lit it up,

a kada sam je osvetlela,

it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it.

bilo je toliko lepo da nisam mogla da dočekam da je naslikam.

I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,

Pokretala me je ta neka impulsivna radoznalost,

always looking for something new to add:

pri čemu sam uvek tražila da dodam nešto novo:

vinyl, steam, glass.

vinil, paru, staklo.

I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair

Jednom sam stavila gomilu vazelina po glavi i kosi

just to see what that would look like.

samo da vidim kako bi to izgledalo.

Don't do that.

Nemojte to raditi.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So it was going well.

Dakle, išlo je dobro.

I was finding my way.

Pronalazila sam svoj put.

I was eager and motivated

Bila sam željna i motivisana,

and surrounded by artists,

okružena umetnicima,

always going to openings and events.

uvek išla na otvaranja i događaje.

I was having some success and recognition

Doživela sam izvestan uspeh i priznanje

and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.

i preselila se u stan sa više od četiri utičnice.

My mom and I would stay up very late

Moja mama i ja bismo ostajale budne do kasno

talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.

i pričale o svojim najnovijim idejama i inspirisale jedna drugu.

She made beautiful pottery.

Ona je pravila prelepu grnčariju.

I have a friend named Bo who made this painting

Imam prijatelja po imenu Bo koji je naslikao sliku

of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,

na kojoj njegova žena i on plešu pored okeana,

and he called it "The Light Years."

i nazvao ju je „Lagane godine“.

I asked him what that meant, and he said,

Pitala sam ga šta to znači, a on je rekao:

"Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child,

„Pa, to je kada zakoračiš u odraslo doba, više nisi dete,

but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life."

ali još nisi opterećen životnim obavezama.“

That was it. It was the light years.

To je bilo to. Bile su to lagane godine.

On October 8, 2011,

Osmog oktobra 2011. godine,

the light years came to an end.

laganim godinama je došao kraj.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Moja mama je dobila dijagnozu raka pluća.

It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.

Proširio se na njene kosti i bio je u njenom mozgu.

When she told me this, I fell to my knees.

Kada mi je to rekla, pala sam na kolena.

I totally lost it.

Potpuno sam se izgubila.

And when I got myself together and I looked at her,

Kada sam se pribrala i pogledala je,

shvatila sam, ne radi se o meni.

I realized, this isn't about me.

This is about figuring out how to help her.

Radi se o pronalaženju načina da joj pomognem.

My father is a doctor,

Moj otac je doktor,

and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,

tako da smo imali veliku prednost što je on tu bio glavni,

and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.

i odlično se starao o njoj.

But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,

I ja sam htela da uradim sve što mogu da pomognem,

so I wanted to try everything.

pa sam htela da sve probam.

We all did.

Svi smo hteli.

I researched alternative medicines,

Istraživala sam alternativnu medicinu,

diets, juicing, acupuncture.

dijete, pravljenje sokova, akupunkturu.

Finally, I asked her,

Konačno, pitala sam je:

"Is this what you want me to do?"

„Da li to želiš da radim?“

And she said, "No."

Rekla je: „Ne.

She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

Pripremi se. Trebaćeš mi kasnije.“

She knew what was happening,

Znala je šta se dešava

and she knew what the doctors

i znala je ono što doktori,

and the experts and the internet didn't know:

stručnjaci i internet nisu znali -

how she wanted to go through this.

kako je želela da prođe kroz ovo.

I just needed to ask her.

Samo je trebalo da je pitam.

I realized that if I tried to fix it,

Shvatila sam da, ako pokušavam da popravim stvari,

I would miss it.

propustiću to.

So I just started to be with her,

Stoga sam samo počela da budem uz nju,

whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,

šta god to značilo i kakva god situacija bi naišla,

just really listen to her.

samo da je stvarno slušam.

If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,

Ako sam se prethodno opirala, sada sam se predala,

odustala od pokušaja da kontrolišem ono što se ne može kontrolisati

giving up trying to control the uncontrollable

and just being there in it with her.

i jednostavno bila sa njom u tome.

Time slowed down,

Vreme je usporilo

and the date was irrelevant.

i datum je bio nevažan.

We developed a routine.

Razvile smo rutinu.

Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.

Rano svakog jutra bih se uvukla u njen krevet i spavala sa njom.

My brother would come for breakfast

Moj brat bi došao na doručak

and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.

i bilo bi nam toliko drago kada bismo čule kako pristiže njegov auto.

So I'd help her up and take both her hands

Pomogla bih joj, uhvatila je za obe ruke

and help her walk to the kitchen.

i pomogla joj da hoda do kuhinje.

She had this huge mug she made

Imala je ogromnu šolju koju je napravila

she loved to drink her coffee out of,

iz koje je volela da pije kafu,

and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.

i volela je irsku česnicu za doručak.

Afterwards was the shower,

Nakon toga je sledilo tuširanje

and she loved this part.

i obožavala je taj deo.

She loved the warm water,

Volela je toplu vodu,

so I made this as indulgent as I could,

tako da sam joj u tome ugađala koliko god sam mogla,

like a spa.

kao da je banja.

My sister would help sometimes.

Moja sestra bi ponekad pomogla.

We had warm towels

Imale smo tople peškire

and slippers ready immediately

i odmah spremne papuče,

so she never got cold for a second.

tako da joj ne bude hladno ni na sekundu.

I'd blow-dry her hair.

Osušila bih joj kosu fenom.

My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,

Moja braća bi došla uveče i dovela svoju decu,

and that was the highlight of her day.

a to je bio vrhunac dana.

Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,

Vremenom smo počeli da koristimo kolica

and she didn't want to eat so much,

i nije htela toliko da jede,

and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.

a koristila je najmanju moguću šolju koju smo mogli naći da pije kafu.

Nisam mogla više da joj pomažem sama,

I couldn't support her myself anymore,

pa smo unajmili pomoćnicu da mi pomogne pri tuširanju.

so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

These simple daily activities

Te jednostavne dnevne aktivnosti

became our sacred ritual,

postale su naš sveti ritual

and we repeated them day after day

i ponavljale smo ih iz dana u dan

as the cancer grew.

dok je rak rastao.

It was humbling and painful

Bilo je to ponižavajuće i bolno

and exactly where I wanted to be.

i baš gde sam želela da budem.

We called this time "the beautiful awful."

Nazivale smo to vreme „prelepa grozota“.

She died on October 26, 2012.

Preminula je 26. oktobra 2012. godine.

It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.

To je bilo godinu dana i tri nedelje nakon njene dijagnoze.

She was gone.

Iščezla je.

My brothers, sister, and father and I

Moja braća, sestra, otac i ja

all came together in this supportive and attentive way.

bili smo udruženi na podržavajući i pažljiv način.

It was as though our whole family dynamic

Kao da su čitava naša porodična dinamika

and all our established roles vanished

i naše uspostavljene uloge nestale

and we were just all together in this unknown,

i bili smo svi zajedno u tom nepoznatom,

feeling the same thing

osećajući isto

and taking care of each other.

i starajući se jedno o drugom.

I'm so grateful for them.

Toliko sam zahvalna na njima.

As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,

Kao neko ko većinu vremena provodi sam, radeći u ateljeu,

I had no idea that this kind of connection

nisam imala pojma da takva povezanost

could be so important, so healing.

može biti toliko važna, toliko isceljujuća.

This was the most important thing.

To je bila najvažnija stvar.

It was what I always wanted.

Bilo je to ono što sam oduvek želela.

So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.

Nakon sahrane, bilo je vreme da se vratim u svoj atelje.

So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,

Spakovala sam stvari u auto i dovezla se u Bruklin,

and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did.

a slikarstvom sam se oduvek bavila, pa sam to i radila.

And here's what happened.

Evo šta se dogodilo.

It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.

Bilo je to nekakvo oslobađanje svega što se odigravalo u meni.

That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place

To sigurno, veoma pažljivo uređeno bezbedno mesto

that I created in all my other paintings,

koje sam stvorila na svim drugim slikama,

it was a myth.

bilo je mit.

It didn't work.

Nije funkcionisalo.

And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

Bila sam uplašena, jer nisam želela da više slikam.

So I went into the woods.

Tako sam otišla u šumu.

I thought, I'll try that, going outside.

Mislila sam da to pokušam, da izađem napolje.

I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter,

Uzela sam svoje boje, a nisam bila slikar pejzaža,

ali zapravo nisam bila nikakva posebna vrsta slikara,

but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all,

so I had no attachment, no expectation,

tako da nisam bila ni za šta vezana, nisam imala očekivanja,

which allowed me to be reckless and free.

što mi je omogućavalo da budem bezbrižna i slobodna.

I actually left one of these wet paintings

Zapravo sam ostavila jednu od ovih vlažnih slika

outside overnight

napolju preko noći

next to a light in the woods.

pored svetla u šumi.

By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.

Do jutra je bila prekrivena bubama.

But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

No, nije me bilo briga. Nije bilo bitno. To nije bilo bitno.

I took all these paintings back to my studio,

Odnela sam sve te slike nazad u atelje,

and scraped them, and carved into them,

izgrebala sam ih i urezivala u njih,

and poured paint thinner on them,

sipala razređivač boje na nih,

put more paint on top, drew on them.

stavila još boje na vrhu, crtala po njima.

I had no plan,

Nisam imala plan,

but I was watching what was happening.

ali sam posmatrala šta se dešava.

This is the one with all the bugs in it.

Ovo je ona sa bubama po sebi.

I wasn't trying to represent a real space.

Nisam pokušavala da predstavim stvaran prostor.

It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,

Fascinirali su me haos i nesavršenosti,

and something started to happen.

i nešto je počelo da se dešava.

I got curious again.

Ponovo sam postala radoznala.

This is another one from the woods.

Ovo je još jedna iz šume.

There was a caveat now, though.

Doduše, sada je postojalo ograničenje.

I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to.

Nisam mogla da kontrolišem boju kao što sam to nekada činila.

It had to be about implying and suggesting,

Morala je da nagovešava i ukazuje,

not explaining or describing.

a ne da objašnjava ili opisuje.

And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface

Ta nesavršena, haotična, turbulentna površina

is what told the story.

je bila nosilac priče.

I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

Počela sam da postajem radoznala kao kada sam bila student.

So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,

Sledeće sam želela da unesem figure na ove slike, ljude,

and I loved this new environment,

i volela sam ovo novo okruženje,

so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.

pa sam želela da imam i ljude i ovu atmosferu.

When the idea hit me of how to do this,

Kada sam dobila ideju kako to da uradim,

I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,

osetila sam nekakvu mučninu i vrtoglavicu,

which is really just adrenaline, probably,

što je zapravo verovatno samo adrenalin,

but for me it's a really good sign.

ali je za mene veoma dobar znak.

And so now I want to show you what I've been working on.

Sada želim da vam pokažem na čemu sam radila.

It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess,

To je nešto što još nisam pokazivala i predstavlja nešto kao prikaz, rekla bih,

of my upcoming show,

moje predstojeće izložbe,

what I have so far.

ono što za sada imam.

Expansive space

Široki prostor

instead of the isolated bathtub.

umesto izolovane kade za kupanje.

I'm going outside instead of inside.

Idem napolje umesto da sam unutra.

Loosening control,

Popuštanje kontrole,

savoring the imperfections,

uživanje u nesavršenostima,

allowing the --

dozvoljavanje -

allowing the imperfections.

dozvoljavanje nesavršenosti.

And in that imperfection,

U toj nesavršenosti

you can find a vulnerability.

možete naći ranjivost.

I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,

Mogla sam da osetim svoja najdublja stremljenja,

ono što je za mene najznačajnije,

that human connection

tu ljudsku povezanost

that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling.

koja se može dogoditi u prostoru u kome nema opiranja ili kontrolisanja.

I want to make paintings about that.

Želela sam da slikam slike u vezi sa tim.

So here's what I learned.

Dakle, evo šta sam naučila.

We're all going to have big losses in our lives,

Svi ćemo imati velike gubitke u životu,

maybe a job or a career,

možda gubitak posla ili karijere,

relationships, love, our youth.

veze, ljubavi, naše mladosti.

We're going to lose our health,

Izgubićemo zdravlje,

people we love.

ljude koje volimo.

These kinds of losses are out of our control.

Takvi gubici su izvan naše kontrole.

They're unpredictable,

Nepredvidljivi su

and they bring us to our knees.

i poražavaju nas.

And so I say, let them.

Zato kažem - pustite ih.

Fall to your knees. Be humbled.

Padnite na kolena. Budite uniženi.

Let go of trying to change it

Odustanite od pokušaja da ih izmenite

or even wanting it to be different.

ili čak i od želje da bude drugačije.

It just is.

Jednostavno tako jeste.

And then there's space,

Zatim tu postoji prostor,

and in that space feel your vulnerability,

a u tom prostoru osetite svoju ranjivost,

what matters most to you,

ono što je za vas najznačajnije,

your deepest intention.

svoja najdublja stremljenja.

And be curious to connect

Budite znatiželjni da se povežete

to what and who is really here,

sa stvarima i ljudima koji su zaista ovde,

awake and alive.

budni i živi.

It's what we all want.

To je ono što svi želimo.

Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful

Iskoristimo priliku da pronađemo nešto lepo

in the unknown, in the unpredictable,

u nepoznatom, nepredvidljivom,

and even in the awful.

pa čak i u užasnom.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)