How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks

Translator: Sintija Jakubovska Reviewer: Ilze Garda

I'm a painter.

Es esmu gleznotāja.

Es radu lielizmēra figuratīvas gleznas –

I make large-scale figurative paintings,

which means I paint people

es gleznoju cilvēkus –

like this.

lūk, šādi.

But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal

Šovakar es vēlos jums pastāstīt ko personīgu,

that changed my work and my perspective.

kas izmainīja manu darbu un skatījumu.

It's something we all go through,

Mēs visi to piedzīvojam,

and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

un es ceru, ka mana pieredze kādam noderēs.

To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.

Nedaudz par mani – esmu jaunākā no astoņiem bērniem.

Jā, manā ģimenē ir astoņi bērni.

Yes, eight kids in my family.

I have six older brothers and a sister.

Man ir seši vecāki brāļi un māsa.

To give you a sense of what that's like,

Lai jūs saprastu, kā tas ir –

when my family went on vacation,

kad mana ģimene devās brīvdienās,

we had a bus.

mēs braucām ar savu autobusu.

(Laughter)

(Smiekli)

My supermom would drive us all over town

Mana supermamma vadāja mūs pa visu pilsētu

to our various after-school activities --

uz dažādām pēcstundu nodarbībām,

not in the bus.

bet ne autobusā.

We had a regular car, too.

Mums bija arī parasta automašīna.

She would take me to art classes,

Viņa veda mani uz mākslas nodarbībām,

and not just one or two.

un ne jau vienu vai divām.

No 8 līdz 16 gadu vecumam viņa mani veda uz visām pieejamām mākslas nodarbībām,

She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,

because that's all I wanted to do.

jo tas bija vienīgais, ko vēlējos.

She even took a class with me in New York City.

Viņa pat kopā ar mani apmeklēja nodarbību Ņujorkā.

Esot jaunākā no astoņiem bērniem, es apguvu dažas izdzīvošanas prasmes.

Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.

Rule number one:

Pirmais noteikums –

don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid.

uzmanies, lai tavs lielais brālis neredz, kā dari ko stulbu!

So I learned to be quiet and neat

Tāpēc es iemācījos būt klusa un kārtīga,

kā arī ievērot noteikumus un būt saticīga.

and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

But painting was where I made the rules.

Savukārt gleznojot es pati radīju noteikumus.

That was my private world.

Tā bija mana privātā pasaule.

By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.

14 gadu vecumā es zināju, ka patiešām vēlos būt māksliniece.

My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.

Mans plāns bija strādāt par viesmīli, lai uzturētu sevi gleznojot.

So I continued honing my skills.

Es turpināju pilnveidot savas prasmes.

I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,

Augstskolā ieguvu maģistra grādu tēlotājmākslā,

and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,

un manā pirmajā soloizstādē mans brālis pajautāja:

"What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?"

„Ko nozīmē tie sarkanie punkti blakus gleznām?”

Nobody was more surprised than me.

Neviens nebija tik pārsteigts kā es.

The red dots meant that the paintings were sold

Sarkanie punkti nozīmēja, ka gleznas bija pārdotas

un es varēšu samaksāt par īri –

and that I'd be able to pay my rent

ar gleznošanu!

with painting.

Manā dzīvoklī bija tikai četras rozetes,

Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,

and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,

un es nevarēju vienlaikus izmantot tosteri un mikroviļņu krāsni,

but still, I could pay my rent.

tomēr es varēju samaksāt par īri.

So I was very happy.

Es biju ļoti laimīga.

Lūk, glezna no tā laika.

Here's a painting from back around that time.

I needed it to be as realistic as possible.

Tai bija jāizskatās maksimāli reālistiski.

It had to be specific and believable.

Tai bija jāizskatās konkrētai un ticamai.

This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

Šeit es biju savrup un visu pilnībā kontrolēju.

Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water.

Kopš tā laika es gleznoju cilvēkus ūdenī.

Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.

Vannas un duškabīnes bija ideāla noslēgta vide.

It was intimate and private,

Tā bija intīma un privāta,

and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.

un ūdens bija sarežģīts izaicinājums, kas mani nodarbināja desmit gadus.

I made about 200 of these paintings,

Es radīju aptuveni 200 šādas gleznas,

dažas bija 1,8 – 2,4 metrus augstas,

some of them six to eight feet,

like this one.

piemēram, šī.

For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy

Šai gleznai es sajaucu vannas ūdeni ar miltiem, lai radītu duļķainību,

and I floated cooking oil on the surface

uzlēju pa virsu cepamo eļļu

and stuck a girl in it,

un iesēdināju tur meiteni.

Kad es to izgaismoju,

and when I lit it up,

it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it.

tas bija tik skaists, ka nevarēju vien sagaidīt, kad tikšu pie gleznošanas.

I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,

Mani virzīja tāda kā impulsīva ziņkārība,

always looking for something new to add:

es vienmēr meklēju, ko jaunu pievienot –

vinyl, steam, glass.

vinilu, tvaiku, stiklu.

Reiz es ieziedu sev galvu un matus ar vazelīnu,

I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair

just to see what that would look like.

lai redzētu, kā tas izskatīsies.

Don't do that.

Nedariet tā!

(Laughter)

(Smiekli)

Man veicās labi.

So it was going well.

I was finding my way.

Es meklēju savu ceļu.

I was eager and motivated

Biju apņēmības pilna un motivēta,

and surrounded by artists,

man apkārt bija mākslinieki,

always going to openings and events.

allaž devos uz atklāšanām un pasākumiem.

I was having some success and recognition

Es baudīju zināmus panākumus un atzinību

and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.

un pārvācos uz dzīvokli ar vairāk nekā četrām rozetēm.

My mom and I would stay up very late

Mana mamma un es ļoti vēlu bijām nomodā,

apspriežot savas jaunākās idejas un viena otru iedvesmojot.

talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.

She made beautiful pottery.

Viņa veidoja skaistus māla traukus.

I have a friend named Bo who made this painting

Man ir draugs vārdā Bo, kurš uzgleznoja

of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,

savu sievu un mani dejojam pie okeāna,

and he called it "The Light Years."

un viņš to nosauca „Gaismas gadi”.

I asked him what that meant, and he said,

Es jautāju, ko viņš ar to domā, un viņš teica:

"Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child,

„Tas ir tad, kad esi kļuvis pieaudzis, vairs neesi bērns,

but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life."

bet tevi vēl nenomāc pienākumu nasta.”

Tā arī bija. Tie bija gaismas gadi.

That was it. It was the light years.

On October 8, 2011,

2011. gada 8. oktobrī

the light years came to an end.

gaismas gadiem pienāca gals.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Manai mammai diagnosticēja plaušu vēzi.

Tas bija izplatījies kaulos un smadzenēs.

It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.

When she told me this, I fell to my knees.

Kad viņa man to pateica, es noslīgu ceļos.

I totally lost it.

Es biju pilnībā satriekta.

And when I got myself together and I looked at her,

Kad saņēmos un paskatījos uz mammu,

es sapratu – nav runa par mani.

I realized, this isn't about me.

This is about figuring out how to help her.

Jāizdomā, kā palīdzēt viņai.

Mans tēvs ir ārsts,

My father is a doctor,

and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,

tāpēc mums bija milzu priekšrocība – viņš uzņēmās vadību

un lieliski rūpējās par mammu.

and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.

But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,

Arī es vēlējos darīt visu iespējamo, lai palīdzētu,

so I wanted to try everything.

tāpēc gribēju izmēģināt visu.

Mēs visi to darījām.

We all did.

I researched alternative medicines,

Es pētīju alternatīvās zāles,

diets, juicing, acupuncture.

uztura režīmus, sulas, akupunktūru.

Finally, I asked her,

Beidzot es mammai pajautāju:

„Vai tu vēlies, lai es to daru?”

"Is this what you want me to do?"

And she said, "No."

Viņa atbildēja: „Nē.”

She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

Viņa teica: „Nesteidzies, man tevi vajadzēs vēlāk.”

Mamma zināja, kas notiek,

She knew what was happening,

and she knew what the doctors

un viņa zināja to, ko nezināja ārsti, speciālisti un internets –

and the experts and the internet didn't know:

how she wanted to go through this.

kā viņa vēlējas to piedzīvot.

I just needed to ask her.

Man tikai bija jāpajautā.

I realized that if I tried to fix it,

Es sapratu, ka, cenšoties to atrisināt,

I would miss it.

es visu palaidīšu garām.

So I just started to be with her,

Es sāku vienkārši būt viņai līdzās,

whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,

lai ko tas nozīmētu un lai kāda būtu situācija,

just really listen to her.

es viņā tiešām ieklausījos.

If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,

Iepriekš es pretojos, bet tagad es padevos,

giving up trying to control the uncontrollable

necenšoties kontrolēt nekontrolējamo

and just being there in it with her.

un vienkārši esot tajā kopā ar viņu.

Time slowed down,

Laiks ritēja lēnāk,

and the date was irrelevant.

un datums nebija svarīgs.

Mēs izveidojām dienaskārtību.

We developed a routine.

Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.

Es ik rītu agri iekāpu pie viņas gultā un gulēju blakus.

Mans brālis ieradās uz brokastīm,

My brother would come for breakfast

and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.

un mēs priecājāmies, dzirdot viņa mašīnu piebraucam.

So I'd help her up and take both her hands

Es palīdzēju mammai piecelties, saņēmu aiz abām rokām

and help her walk to the kitchen.

un palīdzēju aiziet uz virtuvi.

She had this huge mug she made

Mammai bija milzīga paštaisīta krūze,

she loved to drink her coffee out of,

no kuras viņai patika dzert kafiju,

and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.

un viņai patika brokastīs ēst īru sodas maizi.

Afterwards was the shower,

Pēc tam mamma gāja dušā,

un tas viņai ļoti patika.

and she loved this part.

She loved the warm water,

Viņai patika siltais ūdens,

so I made this as indulgent as I could,

tāpēc es šo procesu padarīju pēc iespējas lutinošāku,

like a spa.

kā SPA.

My sister would help sometimes.

Mana māsa reizēm palīdzēja.

Mēs uzreiz sagatavojām siltus dvieļus un čības,

We had warm towels

and slippers ready immediately

so she never got cold for a second.

lai mammai ne mirkli nebūtu auksti.

I'd blow-dry her hair.

Es izžāvēju viņai matus.

My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,

Vakaros ieradās brāļi ar bērniem –

tas viņai bija dienas jaukākais brīdis.

and that was the highlight of her day.

Ar laiku mēs sākām izmantot ratiņkrēslu,

Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,

mamma vairs tik ļoti negribēja ēst,

and she didn't want to eat so much,

and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.

un viņa dzēra kafiju no mazākās atrodamās tasītes.

Es pati vairs nevarēju viņu atbalstīt,

I couldn't support her myself anymore,

tāpēc mēs nolīgām asistenti, kas palīdzēja ar dušu.

so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

These simple daily activities

Šīs vienkāršās ikdienas darbības

kļuva par mūsu svēto rituālu,

became our sacred ritual,

and we repeated them day after day

un mēs tās atkārtojām dienu no dienas,

as the cancer grew.

kamēr vēzis izplatījās.

It was humbling and painful

Tas mācīja pazemību un bija sāpīgi,

and exactly where I wanted to be.

un es biju tieši tur, kur vēlējos būt.

Šo laiku mēs dēvējām par „skaisti briesmīgo”.

We called this time "the beautiful awful."

She died on October 26, 2012.

Viņa nomira 2012. gada 26. oktobrī.

Tas notika gadu un trīs nedēļas pēc diagnozes uzstādīšanas.

It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.

She was gone.

Viņas vairs nebija.

My brothers, sister, and father and I

Mani brāļi, māsa, tēvs un es

all came together in this supportive and attentive way.

sanācām kopā, lai sniegtu viens otram atbalstu un uzmanību.

It was as though our whole family dynamic

Radās sajūta, it kā mūsu ģimenes dinamika

and all our established roles vanished

un visas mūsu lomas būtu izgaisušas,

and we were just all together in this unknown,

un mēs bijām visi kopā nezināmajā

feeling the same thing

ar tām pašām sajūtām

and taking care of each other.

un rūpējoties viens par otru.

I'm so grateful for them.

Es esmu tik pateicīga, ka viņi man ir.

Lielāko daļu laika es pavadu viena, strādājot studijā,

As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,

I had no idea that this kind of connection

un man nebija ne jausmas, ka šāda saikne

could be so important, so healing.

varētu būt tik nozīmīga, tik dziedējoša.

This was the most important thing.

Tas bija galvenais.

Es to vienmēr biju vēlējusies.

It was what I always wanted.

Pēc bērēm man bija jāatgriežas studijā.

So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.

So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,

Es saliku visu mašīnā un braucu atpakaļ uz Bruklinu,

and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did.

kur darīju to, ko vienmēr – gleznoju.

And here's what happened.

Un notika, lūk, kas.

Atklājās viss manī apslēptais.

It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.

That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place

Šī drošība, ļoti rūpīgi uzturētā drošība,

that I created in all my other paintings,

ko radīju savās pārējās gleznās,

it was a myth.

bija vien mīts.

Tas nedarbojās.

It didn't work.

And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

Man bija bail, jo es vairs nevēlējos gleznot.

Es devos uz mežu.

So I went into the woods.

I thought, I'll try that, going outside.

Es domāju, ka man jāmēģina iziet ārā.

I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter,

Es paņēmu krāsas, lai gan negleznoju ainavas,

bet patiesībā es vispār negleznoju neko konkrētu,

but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all,

so I had no attachment, no expectation,

tāpēc man nebija nekādas piesaistes, nekādu gaidu,

which allowed me to be reckless and free.

tāpēc varēju būt vieglprātīga un brīva.

I actually left one of these wet paintings

Vienu no nenožuvušajām gleznām es patiesībā atstāju pa nakti ārā,

outside overnight

blakus gaismai mežā.

next to a light in the woods.

By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.

No rīta tā bija pārklāta ar kukaiņiem.

But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

Man bija vienalga. Tam nebija nozīmes.

Es nogādāju visas šīs gleznas atpakaļ studijā,

I took all these paintings back to my studio,

and scraped them, and carved into them,

es tās skrāpēju, šur tur iegriezu,

and poured paint thinner on them,

uzlēju uz tām krāsas šķīdinātāju,

put more paint on top, drew on them.

uzklāju pa virsu vēl krāsu, zīmēju uz tām.

Man nebija nekāda plāna,

I had no plan,

but I was watching what was happening.

bet es vēroju notiekošo.

This is the one with all the bugs in it.

Šī ir glezna ar kukaiņiem.

I wasn't trying to represent a real space.

Es necentos attēlot faktisku telpu.

Mani fascinēja haoss un nepilnības,

It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,

and something started to happen.

un ar mani kaut kas notika.

I got curious again.

Es atguvu ziņkāri.

This is another one from the woods.

Lūk, vēl viens no meža darbiem.

There was a caveat now, though.

Tomēr tam bija savi ierobežojumi.

Es nevarēju kontrolēt krāsas, kā to darīju iepriekš.

I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to.

Maniem darbiem bija jābūt interpretējamiem un jārosina idejas,

It had to be about implying and suggesting,

nevis skaidrojošiem vai aprakstošiem.

not explaining or describing.

And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface

Tieši šī nepilnīgā, haotiskā, nevaldāmā virsma

veidoja stāstu.

is what told the story.

I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

Es kļuvu tikpat ziņkārīga kā tad, kad biju studente.

Pēc tam es vēlējos ieviest šajās gleznās tēlus, cilvēkus,

So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,

un man patika šī jaunā vide,

and I loved this new environment,

so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.

tāpēc es vēlējos ietvert gan cilvēkus, gan šo atmosfēru.

When the idea hit me of how to do this,

Kad man radās ideja, kā to izdarīt,

I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,

man uznāca neliels nelabums un reibonis,

which is really just adrenaline, probably,

kas droši vien ir vienkārši adrenalīns,

but for me it's a really good sign.

bet es to uzskatu par patiešām labu zīmi.

And so now I want to show you what I've been working on.

Tagad vēlos jums parādīt, pie kā es strādāju.

It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess,

Es to vēl nekur neesmu rādījusi, tāpēc tas droši vien ir kā ieskats

of my upcoming show,

manā topošajā izstādē,

what I have so far.

kas parāda manu veikumu.

Expansive space

Plaša telpa,

nevis izolēta vanna.

instead of the isolated bathtub.

I'm going outside instead of inside.

Es dodos ārā, nevis iekšā.

Loosening control,

Samazinu kontroli,

savoring the imperfections,

izbaudu nepilnības,

allowing the --

pieļauju...

pieļauju nepilnības.

allowing the imperfections.

And in that imperfection,

Šajās nepilnībās

you can find a vulnerability.

rodama ievainojamība.

I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,

Es sajutu savas kvēlākās vēlmes, to, kas man visvairāk rūp,

šo cilvēcisko saikni,

that human connection

that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling.

kas ir iespējama telpā, kur nav pretošanās un kontroles.

I want to make paintings about that.

Es vēlos to parādīt savās gleznās.

So here's what I learned.

Lūk, ko es sapratu.

We're all going to have big losses in our lives,

Mums visiem dzīvē būs lieli zaudējumi,

varbūt tas būs darbs vai karjera,

maybe a job or a career,

attiecības, mīlestība vai jaunība.

relationships, love, our youth.

We're going to lose our health,

Mēs zaudēsim savu veselību,

people we love.

cilvēkus, ko mīlam.

These kinds of losses are out of our control.

Mēs nevaram kontrolēt šādus zaudējumus.

They're unpredictable,

Tie ir neparedzami,

and they bring us to our knees.

un tie liek mums noslīgt ceļos.

And so I say, let them.

Es saku – ļaujiet tam notikt!

Fall to your knees. Be humbled.

Nokrītiet ceļos. Esiet pazemīgi.

Let go of trying to change it

Necentieties to mainīt

or even wanting it to be different.

un nevēlieties, lai būtu citādi.

It just is.

Tā vienkārši ir.

Un tad ir telpa,

And then there's space,

and in that space feel your vulnerability,

sajūtiet šajā telpā savu ievainojamību,

what matters most to you,

to, kas jums visvairāk rūp,

your deepest intention.

savas kvēlākās vēlmes.

And be curious to connect

Esiet ziņkārīgi, lai rastu saikni

to what and who is really here,

ar to, kas patiešām ir šeit –

awake and alive.

nomodā un dzīvs.

Mēs visi to vēlamies.

It's what we all want.

Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful

Izmantosim iespēju atrast ko skaistu

in the unknown, in the unpredictable,

nezināmajā, neparedzamajā

and even in the awful.

un pat šausmīgajā.

Thank you.

Paldies.

(Applause)

(Aplausi)