How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks

翻译人员: Junyi Sha 校对人员: Yangyang Liu

I'm a painter.

我是一名画家。

我专攻大型具象绘画，

I make large-scale figurative paintings,

which means I paint people

也就是说，我画的人物

like this.

都是这样的。

But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal

但是我今天来这里， 是想和大家分享

that changed my work and my perspective.

一些改变了我的 作品和想法的私事。

It's something we all go through,

这是我们都曾经历过的事，

and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

我希望我的经历会对 更多的人有所帮助。

To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.

首先从我的背景说起， 我是家里八个孩子中最小的。

是的，我们家中有八个孩子。

Yes, eight kids in my family.

I have six older brothers and a sister.

我有六个哥哥和一个姐姐。

To give you a sense of what that's like,

为了给你们一种 更加直观的感觉，

when my family went on vacation,

我们家出游度假，

we had a bus.

都是用大巴的。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

My supermom would drive us all over town

我的超级妈妈会开车 把我们送往城中各处，

to our various after-school activities --

送我们去参加 各自的课后活动－

not in the bus.

不是用大巴。

We had a regular car, too.

我们家也是有普通车的。

She would take me to art classes,

她会把我送去美术课，

and not just one or two.

各种美术课。

在我八岁到十六岁之间，她让 我参加所有能参加的美术课。

She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,

because that's all I wanted to do.

因为那确实是我想做的。

She even took a class with me in New York City.

她甚至在纽约城里 和我一起上课。

作为家中最小的孩子， 我学会了一些生存技能。

Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.

Rule number one:

规则一：

don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid.

永远别让你的哥哥们 看见你做傻事。

So I learned to be quiet and neat

所以我学会了 安静与干净，

小心行事，遵守规矩。

and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

But painting was where I made the rules.

但是在绘画的世界中 就是我说了算。

That was my private world.

那是我的自我世界。

By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.

我十四岁大的时候 就决心做一名画家。

My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.

我的宏伟计划是准备当一名 服务生来支持我的绘画开支。

So I continued honing my skills.

我持续磨练我的技能。

I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,

我进入了研究生院 并获得了硕士学位，

and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,

在我第一次个人展中， 我的哥哥问我，

"What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?"

“那些画旁边的 红点是什么意思？”

Nobody was more surprised than me.

没人比我更加惊讶了。

The red dots meant that the paintings were sold

那些红点意味着 画已经卖出，

我也就有能力支付

and that I'd be able to pay my rent

我绘画的贷款了。

with painting.

那时，我的公寓有四个插座，

Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,

and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,

没法同时使用微波炉和烤面包机，

but still, I could pay my rent.

但是， 我至少可以付清我的租金了。

So I was very happy.

所以我很开心。

这是一幅我当时的绘画作品。

Here's a painting from back around that time.

I needed it to be as realistic as possible.

我希望画中的形象越真实越好。

It had to be specific and believable.

形象必须要具体且令人信服。

This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

这是一个让我感到独立， 感到有掌控感的地方。

Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water.

自此，我开始专攻描绘水中的人们。

Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.

浴缸和淋浴是完美的封闭环境。

It was intimate and private,

这些让人们感到亲密而隐秘，

and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.

水这个复杂的挑战 也让我忙了有十年。

I made about 200 of these paintings,

我创作了大约200幅 这样的作品，

其中一些有6到8英寸大，

some of them six to eight feet,

like this one.

就跟这幅差不多。

For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy

为了这幅画，我把面粉撒进洗澡水， 让它看起来烟雾缭绕，

and I floated cooking oil on the surface

然后在表面浮上一层烹饪油，

and stuck a girl in it,

再放上一个女孩，

当我把它照亮，

and when I lit it up,

it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it.

那画面太美了， 我都等不及马上要去画。

我被这种冲动的好奇心所驱使，

I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,

always looking for something new to add:

总在寻找画作的新元素：

vinyl, steam, glass.

黑胶唱片，水蒸气，玻璃。

我曾经把凡士林涂得头上到处都是，

I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair

just to see what that would look like.

就为了看看效果。

Don't do that.

千万别那么做。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

一切都进行的很顺利。

So it was going well.

I was finding my way.

我找到了自己的风格，

I was eager and motivated

被其他的画家包围着，

and surrounded by artists,

我是如此渴望，如此充满动力，

always going to openings and events.

我去参加各种开幕式和活动。

I was having some success and recognition

我取得了更多的成功和认可，

and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.

所以我能够搬到一个 不止四个插座的公寓里去。

My mom and I would stay up very late

我和妈妈会熬夜谈论

我们的最新想法， 从而激励对方。

talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.

She made beautiful pottery.

她做的陶器很美。

I have a friend named Bo who made this painting

我有一个叫博的朋友， 他画了一幅画，

of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,

描绘了我和他的妻子 在海边跳舞。

and he called it "The Light Years."

他给这幅画取名叫《光年》。

I asked him what that meant, and he said,

我问他那是什么意思， 他回答说：

"Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child,

“嗯，当你已经步入成年， 你就不再是一个孩子，

but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life."

但你还没有权衡好生活的责任。”

就是这个，这就是光年。

That was it. It was the light years.

On October 8, 2011,

2011年10月8日，

the light years came to an end.

光年终于来到了尾声。

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.

我妈被诊断出了肺癌。

癌已经扩散到骨髓和大脑。

It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.

When she told me this, I fell to my knees.

当她告诉我这件事时， 我跪倒了。

I totally lost it.

我完全不知所措。

And when I got myself together and I looked at her,

当我整理好头绪，望向她，

我意识到我不是重点，

I realized, this isn't about me.

This is about figuring out how to help her.

重点是如何帮助她。

我的父亲是一名医生，

My father is a doctor,

and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,

所以让他负责治疗有很多好处，

他很好的照料了她。

and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.

But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,

但是，我也想尽一切努力帮助她，

so I wanted to try everything.

我想尝试任何可能。

我们都这样做了。

We all did.

I researched alternative medicines,

我调查了其他可行的药物，

diets, juicing, acupuncture.

饮食，果汁，针灸。

Finally, I asked her,

终于，我问她，

“这是你想让我为你做的吗？”

"Is this what you want me to do?"

And she said, "No."

她说：“不。”

She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

她说：“做你该做的， 我以后会需要你的。”

她知道正在发生的一切，

She knew what was happening,

and she knew what the doctors

她还知道医生，

and the experts and the internet didn't know:

专家和网络不知道的：

how she wanted to go through this.

她自己想要怎样度过这一切。

I just needed to ask her.

我需要的仅仅是问她就好。

I realized that if I tried to fix it,

我意识到如果我想要修复这一切，

I would miss it.

我就会错过这一切。

So I just started to be with her,

所以我决定守护在她身边。

不管情况变得怎样，

whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,

just really listen to her.

我需要去听她的想法。

If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,

以前我会抗拒， 但之后我开始屈服，

giving up trying to control the uncontrollable

放弃尝试去控制 那些不可控的东西。

and just being there in it with her.

我就在那儿，和她在一起。

Time slowed down,

时间放慢了脚步，

and the date was irrelevant.

日期开始变得模糊。

我们设计了新的日常。

We developed a routine.

Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.

每天早上我都会拱进 她的被窝和她一起。

我哥哥会 过来一起吃早饭，

My brother would come for breakfast

and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.

当听见他的车驶入车道， 我们会很开心。

So I'd help her up and take both her hands

我就会握住她的双手， 扶她起来，

and help her walk to the kitchen.

带她走到厨房。

She had this huge mug she made

她有这样一个自己做的大马克杯，

she loved to drink her coffee out of,

她喜欢把一大杯咖啡都喝掉，

and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.

她也喜欢早餐的爱尔兰苏打面包。

Afterwards was the shower,

之后就是洗澡，

这是她钟爱的环节。

and she loved this part.

She loved the warm water,

她享受温暖的水浴，

so I made this as indulgent as I could,

我会尽量帮她放松，

like a spa.

像做 spa 一样。

My sister would help sometimes.

我的姐姐有时会来帮忙。

我们会快速准备好

We had warm towels

and slippers ready immediately

温暖的毛巾和拖鞋，

so she never got cold for a second.

这样她就不会着凉。

I'd blow-dry her hair.

我会吹干她的头发。

My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,

到了晚上， 哥哥们会带着他们的孩子来，

那是她一天当中最精彩的部分。

and that was the highlight of her day.

一段时间以后，我们开始使用轮椅，

Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,

她不再吃那么多，

and she didn't want to eat so much,

and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.

她使用我们能找到的 最小的茶杯来喝咖啡。

我一个人已经不足以支持她了，

I couldn't support her myself anymore,

所以我们雇了一个助手 来帮助我为她洗澡。

so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

These simple daily activities

这些简单的日常活动，

逐渐变成了一种神圣的仪式，

became our sacred ritual,

and we repeated them day after day

随着癌症的扩散，

as the cancer grew.

我们日复一日的重复这些日常。

It was humbling and painful

我们承受着痛苦和卑微，

and exactly where I wanted to be.

但也正是我愿意经受的。

我们把这称为“美丽的痛楚“。

We called this time "the beautiful awful."

She died on October 26, 2012.

她死于2012年10月26日。

这是离她诊断出癌症 一年零三周之后。

It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.

She was gone.

她离开了。

My brothers, sister, and father and I

我的哥哥们，姐姐，父亲还有我，

all came together in this supportive and attentive way.

大家一起以这种支持 和关爱的方式一路走来。

It was as though our whole family dynamic

那就好像是我们整个家庭的动力，

and all our established roles vanished

突然我们所有的角色都消失了，

and we were just all together in this unknown,

我们就一起面对这全新的未知，

feeling the same thing

怀着相同的感受，

and taking care of each other.

照顾彼此。

I'm so grateful for them.

我真心感激他们。

作为一个大部分时间都独自 待在画室工作的人，

As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,

I had no idea that this kind of connection

我以前对这种联系感

could be so important, so healing.

如此重要，如此治愈的联系感， 毫无概念。

This was the most important thing.

这是最重要的事情。

这就是我一直追寻的。

It was what I always wanted.

在葬礼之后， 我就该回到我的画室了。

So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.

So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,

所以我就收拾好车， 开回了布鲁克林，

and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did.

绘画是我一直以来从事的， 也是我之后会一直做的。

And here's what happened.

然后一些事情发生了：

我感到了身体中的释放感。

It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.

That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place

那个我在其他画作中，

that I created in all my other paintings,

精心创造出的安全之地，

it was a myth.

烟消云散。

它不再起作用了。

It didn't work.

And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

我很害怕， 我不想再画下去了。

所以我跑进了小树林里。

So I went into the woods.

I thought, I'll try that, going outside.

我想着，尝试出去画。

I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter,

我带上颜料， 但我并非风景画家，

其实我什么画家也不是，

but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all,

so I had no attachment, no expectation,

没有附属感，没有期望感，

which allowed me to be reckless and free.

这让我可以完全自由， 不计后果地创作。

I actually left one of these wet paintings

我留了一副未干的画，

outside overnight

在外面过夜，

把它放在了 小树林中一盏路灯的旁边。

next to a light in the woods.

By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.

等到第二天早上很多 虫子都被漆在画里了。

But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

但我并不关心， 我对此感到毫无所谓。

我把这些画都带回了我的画室，

I took all these paintings back to my studio,

and scraped them, and carved into them,

我在画上进行刮刻，

and poured paint thinner on them,

我把涂料稀释剂倒在画上，

put more paint on top, drew on them.

倒更多的染料在上面， 在顶层作画。

我毫无计划，

I had no plan,

but I was watching what was happening.

但我看到了发生的一切。

This is the one with all the bugs in it.

这就是当时那幅有 好多小虫在里面的画。

I wasn't trying to represent a real space.

我没有尝试去创作真实的空间。

是其中的混乱感和 不完整感让我感到着迷，

It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,

and something started to happen.

随后一些事情发生了。

I got curious again.

我的好奇心回来了。

This is another one from the woods.

这是在小树林里的另一幅画。

There was a caveat now, though.

不过现在多了一份解释。

我无法像以前一样 去控制我所画的。

I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to.

我需要去暗示，启发，

It had to be about implying and suggesting,

而非解释，描述。

not explaining or describing.

And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface

那不完美的，混沌的， 湍流的表面

给我们讲述了故事的经过。

is what told the story.

I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

我开始变得好奇， 就像我学生时代那样。

所以，我开始想把人物 放进这些绘画当中，

So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,

我喜欢这个新的环境，

and I loved this new environment,

so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.

我希望人物和这环境融为一体。

When the idea hit me of how to do this,

当这种想法降临，

I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,

我感到了恶心和眩晕，

which is really just adrenaline, probably,

可能只是因为肾上腺素的原因，

but for me it's a really good sign.

但这对我来说是一个好的迹象。

And so now I want to show you what I've been working on.

所以，我现在想展示给 你们我最近从事的作品。

It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess,

这是一些我还没来得及 展示的，我想，就把它当作

of my upcoming show,

我即将到来的画展预告吧。

迄今为止，

what I have so far.

Expansive space

这广阔的空间，

而非孤立的浴室。

instead of the isolated bathtub.

I'm going outside instead of inside.

我要出去，而非进来。

Loosening control,

放开控制感，

savoring the imperfections,

体味不完整，

allowing the --

允许－

允许那些不完整。

allowing the imperfections.

And in that imperfection,

在那些不完整中，

you can find a vulnerability.

你能找寻到脆弱。

I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,

我能感知到我最深处 的意图，对我最重要的，

是那些发生在开阔空间 中的，毫无抵抗和控制的，

that human connection

that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling.

人与人之间的联系。

I want to make paintings about that.

我想要对此作画。

So here's what I learned.

这就是我学到的。

We're all going to have big losses in our lives,

我们都会经历人生中的重创，

也许是一份工作，事业，

maybe a job or a career,

关系，爱，我们的青春。

relationships, love, our youth.

We're going to lose our health,

我们终究丧失健康，

people we love.

我们爱的人。

These kinds of losses are out of our control.

这些失去都不是 我们能控制的。

They're unpredictable,

它们是无法预测的，

and they bring us to our knees.

它们让我们跪倒在地，

And so I say, let them.

所以我说，让它们来吧。

Fall to your knees. Be humbled.

跪倒在地，变得谦逊。

Let go of trying to change it

我们应该放弃改变它，

or even wanting it to be different.

或是希望它变得不同。

It just is.

让它那样吧。

在那种时刻，

And then there's space,

and in that space feel your vulnerability,

尝试感知你的脆弱，

what matters most to you,

去想对你最重要的事，

your deepest intention.

你心底的意图。

And be curious to connect

抱着好奇的心里，

to what and who is really here,

与周围活生生的事物和人，

awake and alive.

联系起来。

这就是我们所需要的。

It's what we all want.

Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful

让我们把握机会， 去发现那些存在于

in the unknown, in the unpredictable,

未知，不可预测，

and even in the awful.

甚至可怕的事物中的美吧！

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）