How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks

譯者: 易帆 余 審譯者: Yi Wu

I'm a painter.

我是畫家，

I make large-scale figurative paintings,

我專攻大型的形象繪畫，

which means I paint people

也就是說，我畫人物，

like this.

像這樣的。

But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal

但今晚我來這裡，是想和大家分享

that changed my work and my perspective.

一些改變我作品和想法的私事。

It's something we all go through,

一些我們都會經歷的事，

and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

而我希望我的經歷能幫助到一些人。

To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.

先跟大家說說我的背景， 我是家裡八個孩子中最小的。

Yes, eight kids in my family.

是的，我們家中有八個孩子。

I have six older brothers and a sister.

我有六個哥哥和一個姐姐。

To give you a sense of what that's like,

為了讓各位有更直觀的感覺，

when my family went on vacation,

我們全家出去旅遊，

we had a bus.

開的是巴士。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

My supermom would drive us all over town

我的超人媽媽會開車 載我們到城中各處，

to our various after-school activities --

去參加各式的課後活動──

not in the bus.

不是用巴士。

We had a regular car, too.

我們家也是有普通車的。

She would take me to art classes,

她送我去上美術課，

and not just one or two.

不僅一、兩種。

She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,

在我八歲到十六歲之間， 她帶我參加所有我能參加的美術課，

because that's all I wanted to do.

因為我真的很喜歡美術。

She even took a class with me in New York City.

她甚至在紐約城和我一起上課。

Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.

身為家中最小的孩子， 我學會了一些生存技能。

Rule number one:

規則一：

don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid.

永遠別讓你哥看到你在做傻事。

So I learned to be quiet and neat

所以我學會了安靜與整潔、

and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

循規蹈矩並小心行事。

But painting was where I made the rules.

但談到繪畫，就是我說了算。

That was my private world.

那是我的私人世界。

By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.

我十四歲大的時候， 就決心做一名畫家。

My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.

我的偉大計劃是，去當一名 女服務生來支持我的繪畫開支。

So I continued honing my skills.

我持續磨練我的技能。

I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,

我去念研究院，並獲得了碩士學位，

and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,

在我第一次的個人繪畫展中， 我的哥哥問我，

"What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?"

「那些有紅點在旁邊的畫 是什麽意思？」

Nobody was more surprised than me.

當時沒有人比我更驚訝了。

The red dots meant that the paintings were sold

那些紅點代表我的畫已經賣掉了，

and that I'd be able to pay my rent

也就是說，我有能力

with painting.

用繪畫來支付我的房租了。

Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,

我住的公寓有只四個插座，

and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,

而且沒有辦法同時使用 微波爐和烤麵包機，

but still, I could pay my rent.

但，至少我可以支付我的租金了。

So I was very happy.

所以我很開心。

Here's a painting from back around that time.

這是我當時的一幅繪畫作品。

I needed it to be as realistic as possible.

我希望畫作的呈現，越真實越好，

It had to be specific and believable.

它必須具體且令人信服。

This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

它是一個讓我感到清靜、 完全有主導權的地方。

Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water.

之後，我專攻繪畫水中的人物像。

Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.

浴缸和淋浴間是 與外隔絕的完美空間。

It was intimate and private,

令人感到親密且隱私的，

and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.

而「水」這個複雜的挑戰 也讓我忙了將近十年。

I made about 200 of these paintings,

我大約創作了 200 幅這樣的作品，

some of them six to eight feet,

其中一些有 6 * 8 英呎大，

like this one.

就跟這幅差不多。

For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy

為了要畫這幅畫，我把麵粉撒進水裡， 讓水看起來有煙霧瀰漫的感覺，

and I floated cooking oil on the surface

然後我在上面塗了一層烹飪油，

and stuck a girl in it,

然後請一位女孩進去，

and when I lit it up,

當我打光上去，

it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it.

那畫面真的太美了， 我等不及想馬上畫了。

I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,

我被這種衝動的好奇心所驅使，

always looking for something new to add:

一直在尋找創作畫作的新元素：

vinyl, steam, glass.

黑膠唱片、水蒸氣、玻璃。

I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair

有一次我把凡士林往我頭上倒，

just to see what that would look like.

想看看頭髮呈現的效果。

Don't do that.

千萬別那麽做。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So it was going well.

一切都相當順利。

I was finding my way.

我找到了自己的出路，

I was eager and motivated

我是如此渴望、如此充滿動力，

and surrounded by artists,

身邊圍繞著藝術家，

always going to openings and events.

也常常參加各種開幕式和活動。

I was having some success and recognition

我獲得了成功和別人對我的認同，

and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.

所以我搬到一個有超過 四個插座的公寓裡去。

My mom and I would stay up very late

我母親和我會熬夜談論

talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.

最新的想法，並互相鼓勵。

She made beautiful pottery.

她做的陶器很美。

I have a friend named Bo who made this painting

我有一個叫博的朋友，

他畫了一幅我和他太太 在海邊跳舞的畫。

of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,

and he called it "The Light Years."

他給這幅畫取名叫《光年》。

I asked him what that meant, and he said,

我問他那是什麽意思， 他回答說：

"Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child,

「在你步入成年，不再是一個孩子，

but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life."

但你卻還沒有準備好 扛起生命責任的那段時光。」

That was it. It was the light years.

那就是《光年》。

On October 8, 2011,

2011 年 10 月 8 日，

the light years came to an end.

我的《光年》結束了。

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.

我媽被診斷出了肺癌。

It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.

癌細胞已經擴散到她的骨頭和大腦。

When she told me this, I fell to my knees.

當她告訴我這件事時，我跪倒了。

I totally lost it.

我完全不知所措。

And when I got myself together and I looked at her,

當我整理好情緒，我注視著她，

I realized, this isn't about me.

我意識到我自己不是重點，

This is about figuring out how to help her.

如何幫助她才是重點。

My father is a doctor,

我的父親是一名醫生，

and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,

所以讓他負責治療有很多好處，

and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.

他在照顧我媽這方面，做得很好。

But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,

但是，我也想盡一切努力幫助她，

so I wanted to try everything.

所以我想嘗試各種可能。

We all did.

我們甚麼都做。

I researched alternative medicines,

我研究了其它備選的藥物、

diets, juicing, acupuncture.

飲食、果汁、針灸。

Finally, I asked her,

有一天，我問她：

"Is this what you want me to do?"

「這是你想讓我為你做的嗎？」

And she said, "No."

她說：「不。」

She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

她說：「做你該做的， 我之後會需要你的。」

She knew what was happening,

她知道正在發生的這一切，

and she knew what the doctors

她還知道了醫生、

and the experts and the internet didn't know:

專家和網路不知道的事：

how she wanted to go through this.

她自己想要如何經歷這一切。

I just needed to ask her.

我只要問她就知道答案。

I realized that if I tried to fix it,

但我知道，如果我嘗試醫治她，

I would miss it.

我大概聽不到她想要的。

So I just started to be with her,

所以我決定，只要守護在她身邊，

whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,

不管情況變得怎樣，

just really listen to her.

我只要傾聽她的想法就好。

If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,

以前我會抗拒，但現在我看開了，

giving up trying to control the uncontrollable

我已經放棄嘗試去控制 那些不可控的東西，

and just being there in it with her.

只想好好地陪伴她。

Time slowed down,

時間慢了下來，

and the date was irrelevant.

日期也不重要了。

We developed a routine.

我們建立了一個固定的生活方式。

Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.

每天早上我都會躲進 她的被窩裡和她睡在一起。

My brother would come for breakfast

我哥哥會過來一起吃早餐，

and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.

每當我們聽見他的車開入車道時， 我們都會很開心。

So I'd help her up and take both her hands

我會握住她的雙手，幫忙扶她起來，

and help her walk to the kitchen.

帶她走到廚房。

She had this huge mug she made

她有一個這麼大的、 自己做的大馬克杯，

she loved to drink her coffee out of,

她喜歡把一大杯咖啡都喝光，

and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.

她也喜歡早餐的愛爾蘭蘇打麵包。

Afterwards was the shower,

之後她會去洗澡，

and she loved this part.

她很喜歡洗澡。

She loved the warm water,

她很愛溫暖的水，

so I made this as indulgent as I could,

我會盡量幫她放鬆，

like a spa.

像做 spa 一樣。

My sister would help sometimes.

我的姐姐有時會來幫忙。

We had warm towels

當她洗好，我們會趕緊準備好

and slippers ready immediately

溫暖的毛巾和拖鞋， 這樣她就不會著涼。

so she never got cold for a second.

I'd blow-dry her hair.

然後我會吹乾她的頭髮。

My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,

到了晚上，哥哥們 會帶著他們的孩子過來，

and that was the highlight of her day.

那是她一天當中最精彩的部分。

Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,

一段時間後，我們開始使用輪椅，

and she didn't want to eat so much,

她不再吃那麽多，

and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.

她使用我們找來的 最小茶杯來喝咖啡。

I couldn't support her myself anymore,

我一個人已經顧不來，

so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

所以我們雇了一個助手來幫她洗澡。

These simple daily activities

這些簡單的日常活動，

became our sacred ritual,

變成我們神聖的例行公事，

and we repeated them day after day

隨著癌症的擴散，

as the cancer grew.

我們日覆一日的重覆。

It was humbling and painful

我們很謙卑也很痛苦，

and exactly where I wanted to be.

但這是我想要的。

We called this time "the beautiful awful."

我們把這段時間稱為 《美麗的痛苦時光》。

She died on October 26, 2012.

她在 2012 年 10 月 26 日過世。

It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.

離她診斷出癌症一年又三個禮拜後，

She was gone.

她離開了人間。

My brothers, sister, and father and I

我的哥哥們、姐姐、父親還有我，

all came together in this supportive and attentive way.

大家以這種支持和 關愛的方式一起度過。

It was as though our whole family dynamic

雖然這是我們整個家庭的巨變，

and all our established roles vanished

我們的付出都付之一炬，

and we were just all together in this unknown,

但我們仍一起面對未知的世界，

feeling the same thing

感同身受，照顧彼此。

and taking care of each other.

I'm so grateful for them.

我真心感激他們。

As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,

把大部分時間都獨自待在畫室的我，

I had no idea that this kind of connection

一點都不知道這種聯繫感

could be so important, so healing.

可以這麼重要、這麼療癒。

This was the most important thing.

這是相當重要的事情。

It was what I always wanted.

這就是我一直在追尋的。

So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.

葬禮之後，是時候該回到我的畫室了。

So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,

我收拾好行李，開車回布魯克林，

and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did.

繪畫一直是我的最愛， 我只會做這件事。

And here's what happened.

後來發生了一件事：

It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.

我心裡好像每樣東西都雜亂無章了。

That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place

那種安全感，那個我在其它畫作中

that I created in all my other paintings,

精心創造出的安全之地，

it was a myth.

只是個神話，

It didn't work.

它不再起作用了。

And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

我很害怕，因為我不想再畫下去了。

So I went into the woods.

我跑到樹林裡。

I thought, I'll try that, going outside.

我在想，我得試試，去外面走走。

I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter,

我帶上畫具，我並非風景畫家，

but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all,

但當時我什麽畫家也不是，

so I had no attachment, no expectation,

沒有歸屬感、沒有期望，

which allowed me to be reckless and free.

這讓我可以完全自由 不計後果地創作。

I actually left one of these wet paintings

我留了一副未乾的畫

outside overnight

在外面過夜，

next to a light in the woods.

把它放在樹林中的一盞路燈旁。

By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.

隔天早上，蟲子都被黏在漆裡了。

But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

但我並不在意，這一點都不重要， 一點都不重要。

I took all these paintings back to my studio,

我把這些畫全都帶回我的畫室，

and scraped them, and carved into them,

我把它們刮花，

and poured paint thinner on them,

然後把塗料稀釋劑倒在畫上，

put more paint on top, drew on them.

倒更多的染料在上面， 在頂層作畫。

I had no plan,

我毫無計劃，

but I was watching what was happening.

但我在觀察正在發生的一切。

This is the one with all the bugs in it.

這就是當時那幅有 好多小蟲在裡面的畫。

I wasn't trying to represent a real space.

我沒有嘗試要創作真實的空間。

It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,

是其中的混亂和不完美讓我著迷，

and something started to happen.

隨後一些事情發生了，

I got curious again.

我的好奇心回來了。

This is another one from the woods.

這是在樹林裡的另一幅畫。

There was a caveat now, though.

不過現在多了一份解釋。

I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to.

我無法像以前一樣去控制我所畫的。

It had to be about implying and suggesting,

它需要暗示、啟發，

not explaining or describing.

而非解釋、描述。

And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface

而那不完美、混沌、混亂的表面

is what told the story.

向我們講述了故事的經過。

I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

我開始變得好奇， 就像我學生時代那樣。

So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,

所以，我開始想把人物 放進到這些繪畫當中，

and I loved this new environment,

我喜歡這個新的環境，

so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.

我希望人物和這氛圍能融為一體。

When the idea hit me of how to do this,

當我知道如何做的時候，

I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,

我卻感到了噁心和眩暈，

which is really just adrenaline, probably,

可能只是因為腎上腺素的原因，

but for me it's a really good sign.

但這對我來說，這是一個好的徵兆。

And so now I want to show you what I've been working on.

所以我想向各位展示 我最近的作品。

It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess,

這是一些我還沒來得及展示的畫作，

of my upcoming show,

我想，就把它當作

what I have so far.

我即將展示目前 所有畫作的畫展預告吧。

Expansive space

我用開闊的空間，

instead of the isolated bathtub.

替代掉孤立的浴缸。

I'm going outside instead of inside.

我要走出去，而非在裡面。

Loosening control,

解開控制權，

savoring the imperfections,

品味不完整，

allowing the --

接受那──

allowing the imperfections.

接受那些不完整。

And in that imperfection,

在那些不完整中，

you can find a vulnerability.

你能找尋到脆弱。

I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,

我能感受到我內心深處 對我最重要的意圖，

that human connection

我能感受到人與人之間的連結、

that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling.

我能感受到無拘無束的空間。

I want to make paintings about that.

我想要對此作畫。

So here's what I learned.

而我學到的就是：

We're all going to have big losses in our lives,

在人生旅途中， 我們都會經歷到一些重創，

maybe a job or a career,

也許是工作、事業、

relationships, love, our youth.

關係、愛情、青春。

We're going to lose our health,

我們會失去健康，

people we love.

失去我們摯愛的人。

These kinds of losses are out of our control.

這些失去都不是我們能控制的。

They're unpredictable,

它們是無法預測的，

and they bring us to our knees.

它們使我們不得不向命運低頭，

And so I say, let them.

所以我說，隨它去吧。

Fall to your knees. Be humbled.

讓我們低頭跪下，變得謙遜。

Let go of trying to change it

讓嘗試改變

or even wanting it to be different.

或是希望改變的心態，隨它去吧，

It just is.

它就是那樣。

And then there's space,

之後會有一種空間，

and in that space feel your vulnerability,

你會在那空間中感受到你的脆弱、

what matters most to you,

思考對你最重要的事、

your deepest intention.

探索你心中的意圖。

And be curious to connect

抱著好奇的心態，

to what and who is really here,

與你當下醒著、 活著的人事物做連結。

awake and alive.

It's what we all want.

這就是我們所想要的。

Let's take the opportunity to find something beautiful

讓我們把握機會去尋找那些

in the unknown, in the unpredictable,

未知、無法預測、甚至是 痛苦中的美麗事物吧！

and even in the awful.

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）