Al Vernacchio: Sex needs a new metaphor. Here's one ...

348,882 views ・ 2013-07-15

TED


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00:12
I'd like to talk to you today
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about a whole new way to think about sexual activity
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and sexuality education, by comparison.
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If you talk to someone today in America
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about sexual activity,
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you'll find pretty soon you're not just talking
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about sexual activity.
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You're also talking about baseball.
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Because baseball is the dominant cultural metaphor
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that Americans use to think about
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and talk about sexual activity,
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and we know that because there's
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all this language in English
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that seems to be talking about baseball
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but that's really talking about sexual activity.
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So, for example, you can be a pitcher or a catcher,
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and that corresponds to whether you
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perform a sexual act or receive a sexual act.
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Of course, there are the bases,
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which refer to specific sexual activities
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that happen in a very specific order,
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ultimately resulting in scoring a run
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or hitting a home run,
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which is usually having vaginal intercourse
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to the point of orgasm,
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at least for the guy.
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(Laughter)
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You can strike out, which means
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you don't get to have any sexual activity.
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And if you're a benchwarmer,
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you might be a virgin or somebody who for
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whatever reason isn't in the game,
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maybe because of your age or because of your ability
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or because of your skillset.
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A bat's a penis,
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and a nappy dugout is a vulva, or a vagina.
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A glove or a catcher's mitt is a condom.
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A switch-hitter is a bisexual person,
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and we gay and lesbian folks play for the other team.
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And then there's this one:
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"if there's grass on the field, play ball."
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And that usually refers to
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if a young person, specifically often a young woman,
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is old enough to have pubic hair,
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she's old enough to have sex with.
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This baseball model is incredibly problematic.
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It's sexist. It's heterosexist.
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It's competitive. It's goal-directed.
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And it can't result in healthy sexuality
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developing in young people or in adults.
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So we need a new model.
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I'm here today to offer you that new model.
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And it's based on
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pizza.
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Now pizza is something that is universally understood
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and that most people associate with a positive experience.
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So let's do this.
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Let's take baseball and pizza and compare it
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when talking about three aspects of sexual activity:
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the trigger for sexual activity,
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what happens during sexual activity,
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and the expected outcome of sexual activity.
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So when do you play baseball?
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You play baseball when it's baseball season
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and when there's a game on the schedule.
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It's not exactly your choice.
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So if it's prom night or a wedding night
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or at a party or if our parents aren't home,
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hey, it's just batter up.
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Can you imagine saying to your coach,
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"Uh, I'm not really feeling it today,
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I think I'll sit this game out."
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That's just not the way it happens.
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And when you get together to play baseball,
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immediately you're with two opposing teams,
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one playing offense, one playing defense,
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somebody's trying to move deeper into the field.
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That's usually a sign to the boy.
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Somebody's trying to defend people moving into the field.
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That's often given to the girl.
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It's competitive.
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We're not playing with each other.
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We're playing against each other.
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And when you show up to play baseball,
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nobody needs to talk about what we're going to do
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or how this baseball game might be good for us.
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Everybody knows the rules.
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You just take your position and play the game.
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But when do you have pizza?
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Well, you have pizza when you're hungry for pizza.
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It starts with an internal sense, an internal desire, or a need.
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"Huh. I could go for some pizza."
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(Laughter)
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And because it's an internal desire,
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we actually have some sense of control over that.
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I could decide that I'm hungry
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but know that it's not a great time to eat.
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And then when we get together with someone for pizza,
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we're not competing with them,
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we're looking for an experience
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that both of us will share
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that's satisfying for both of us,
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and when you get together for pizza with somebody,
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what's the first thing you do?
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You talk about it.
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You talk about what you want.
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You talk about what you like.
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You may even negotiate it.
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"How do you feel about pepperoni?" (Laughter)
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"Not so much, I'm kind of a mushroom guy myself."
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"Well, maybe we can go half and half."
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And even if you've had pizza with somebody
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for a very long time,
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don't you still say things like,
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"Should we get the usual?"
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(Laughter)
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"Or maybe something a little more adventurous?"
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Okay, so when you're playing baseball,
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so if we talk about during sexual activity,
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when you're playing baseball,
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you're just supposed to round the bases
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in the proper order one at a time.
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You can't hit the ball and run to right field.
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That doesn't work.
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And you also can't get to second base and say,
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"I like it here. I'm going to stay here."
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No.
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And also, of course, with baseball, there's, like,
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the specific equipment and a specific skill set.
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Not everybody can play baseball. It's pretty exclusive.
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Okay, but what about pizza?
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When we're trying to figure out what's good for pizza,
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isn't it all about what's our pleasure?
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There are a million different kinds of pizza.
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There's a million different toppings.
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There's a million different ways to eat pizza.
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And none of them are wrong. They're different.
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And in this case, difference is good,
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because that's going to increase the chance
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that we're having a satisfying experience.
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And lastly, what's the expected outcome of baseball?
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Well, in baseball, you play to win.
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You score as many runs as you can.
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There's always a winner in baseball,
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and that means there's always a loser in baseball.
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But what about pizza?
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Well, in pizza, we're not really --
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there's no winning. How do you win pizza?
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You don't. But you do look for,
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"Are we satisfied?"
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And sometimes that can be different amounts
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over different times or with different people
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or on different days.
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And we get to decide when we feel satisfied.
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If we're still hungry, we might have some more.
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If you eat too much, though,
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you just feel gross.
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(Laughter)
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So what if we could take this pizza model
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and overlay it on top of sexuality education?
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A lot of sexuality education that happens today
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is so influenced by the baseball model,
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and it sets up education that can't help
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but produce unhealthy sexuality in young people.
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And those young people become older people.
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But if we could create sexuality education
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that was more like pizza,
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we could create education that invites people
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to think about their own desires,
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to make deliberate decisions about what they want,
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to talk about it with their partners,
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and to ultimately look for
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not some external outcome
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but for what feels satisfying,
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and we get to decide that.
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You may have noticed
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in the baseball and pizza comparison,
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under the baseball, it's all commands.
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They're all exclamation points.
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But under the pizza model, they're questions.
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And who gets to answer those questions?
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You do. I do.
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So remember, when we're thinking about
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sexuality education and sexual activity,
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baseball, you're out.
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Pizza is the way to think about healthy,
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satisfying sexual activity,
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and good, comprehensive sexuality education.
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Thank you very much for your time.
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(Applause)
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