The healing power of reading | Michelle Kuo

譯者: Judy Huang 審譯者: Amanda Zhu

I want to talk today about how reading can change our lives

我今天想要談談， 閱讀如何改變我們的人生，

and about the limits of that change.

和這種改變的極限。

I want to talk to you about how reading can give us a shareable world

我想聊聊，閱讀如何以 富有人性的強力連結，

of powerful human connection.

建立一個眾人能分享的世界，

But also about how that connection is always partial.

也想聊聊為何這種連結 常常是不完整的。

How reading is ultimately a lonely, idiosyncratic undertaking.

為何閱讀是件非常孤獨的事， 人人嘗到的滋味都不同。

The writer who changed my life

改變我人生的作家，

was the great African American novelist James Baldwin.

是偉大的非裔美國小說家 詹姆斯·鮑德溫。

When I was growing up in Western Michigan in the 1980s,

我是在 1980 年代的密西根西部長大，

there weren't many Asian American writers interested in social change.

當時並沒有很多關注 社會改革的亞裔美國作家。

And so I think I turned to James Baldwin

所以我才轉向詹姆斯·鮑德溫，

as a way to fill this void, as a way to feel racially conscious.

來填補這個空缺， 來感受自己的種族意識。

But perhaps because I knew I wasn't myself African American,

不過因為我知道 我並不是非裔美國人，

I also felt challenged and indicted by his words.

我感覺自己也是他書中控訴的對象。

Especially these words:

尤其是這段文字：

"There are liberals who have all the proper attitudes,

「自由派會表現出所有合宜的態度，

but no real convictions.

但他們沒有真正的信念。

當攤牌的時刻來到，

When the chips are down and you somehow expect them to deliver,

你期待他們會兌現 你以為他們感受到的東西，

they are somehow not there."

結果他們不知怎地卻不見了。」

They are somehow not there.

他們不在那裏了。

I took those words very literally.

我用字面的意思來解讀這句話，

Where should I put myself?

那我該把自己擺在哪裡？

I went to the Mississippi Delta,

我搬到密西西比河三角洲，

one of the poorest regions in the United States.

一個美國非常貧窮的區域。

This is a place shaped by a powerful history.

這是一個由重大歷史塑造的地方，

In the 1960s, African Americans risked their lives to fight for education,

在 1960 年代，非裔美國人 為了受教權、投票權捨命奮鬥。

to fight for the right to vote.

I wanted to be a part of that change,

我也想參與這股改變的力量，

to help young teenagers graduate and go to college.

幫助青少年畢業和上大學。

When I got to the Mississippi Delta,

我到密西西比三角洲的時候，

it was a place that was still poor,

那還是個貧困的地區，

still segregated,

種族隔閡依然存在，

still dramatically in need of change.

非常需要一番大改革。

My school, where I was placed,

我被分配到的學校

had no library, no guidance counselor,

沒有圖書館，沒有輔導老師，

but it did have a police officer.

倒是有一位警察。

Half the teachers were substitutes

學校裡有一半的老師是代課老師。

and when students got into fights,

有學生打架的時候，

the school would send them to the local county jail.

學校會將他們送去郡立監獄。

This is the school where I met Patrick.

我就是在這所學校遇到派屈克。

He was 15 and held back twice, he was in the eighth grade.

他那時 15 歲，已被留級 兩次，仍在念八年級。

He was quiet, introspective,

他非常安靜，自省內斂，

like he was always in deep thought.

好像總是陷於沉思中。

And he hated seeing other people fight.

他討厭看別人打架。

I saw him once jump between two girls when they got into a fight

我曾看過他試著阻止 兩位正在打架的女生，

and he got himself knocked to the ground.

他當時還被推倒在地。

Patrick had just one problem.

派屈克那時只有一個問題，

He wouldn't come to school.

就是他不願上學。

He said that sometimes school was just too depressing

他說有時候學校很令人沮喪，

because people were always fighting and teachers were quitting.

因為常常有人打架， 又經常有老師辭職。

And also, his mother worked two jobs and was just too tired to make him come.

還有，他媽媽兼了兩份差， 累到沒空盯他上學。

所以提醒他去上學成了我的工作。

So I made it my job to get him to come to school.

And because I was crazy and 22 and zealously optimistic,

那時我正值瘋狂的 22 歲， 熱血澎湃、積極樂觀。

my strategy was just to show up at his house

我的策略就是每天去他家敲門叫他：

and say, "Hey, why don't you come to school?"

「嘿，你幹嘛不來上學？」

And this strategy actually worked,

這招還真的有效。

he started to come to school every day.

他開始每天上學，

And he started to flourish in my class.

也在班上越來越進步。

他開始寫詩、閱讀，

He was writing poetry, he was reading books.

He was coming to school every day.

每天都來學校上課。

Around the same time

但在我學會跟派屈克 建立良好關係的同時，

that I had figured out how to connect to Patrick,

I got into law school at Harvard.

我收到了哈佛法學院的錄取通知。

I once again faced this question, where should I put myself,

我又得重新面臨這個問題：

「我該把自己擺在哪裡？」

where do I put my body?

And I thought to myself

那時我心想，

that the Mississippi Delta was a place where people with money,

密西西比三角洲是有錢人、 有機會的人都會離開的地方。

people with opportunity,

those people leave.

And the people who stay behind

留在那裡的都是沒有機會離開的人。

are the people who don't have the chance to leave.

I didn't want to be a person who left.

我並不想當離開的人。

I wanted to be a person who stayed.

我想當留下來的人，

On the other hand, I was lonely and tired.

但我又覺得孤單、疲憊。

And so I convinced myself that I could do more change

最後我說服自己，

如果我有受人崇敬的法律學位， 就有影響力來做更多更大的改革。

on a larger scale if I had a prestigious law degree.

So I left.

於是我離開了。

Three years later,

三年後，

when I was about to graduate from law school,

在我就要從法學院畢業時，

my friend called me

朋友打電話告訴我，

and told me that Patrick had got into a fight and killed someone.

派屈克跟人起了衝突， 把對方殺死了。

I was devastated.

我非常震驚，

Part of me didn't believe it,

心裡有一部分不想相信那是事實，

but part of me also knew that it was true.

但另一部分很清楚這是真的。

I flew down to see Patrick.

我飛回去找派屈克，

I visited him in jail.

到了監獄探望他。

And he told me that it was true.

他告訴我那是真的，

That he had killed someone.

他的確殺了人，

And he didn't want to talk more about it.

但他不願多談，

I asked him what had happened with school

我問起他後來在學校的情形，

and he said that he had dropped out the year after I left.

他說，他在我離開的那年就輟學了。

接著他還有事情想跟我說，

And then he wanted to tell me something else.

He looked down and he said that he had had a baby daughter

他低著頭說，

他有個才剛出生的女兒，

who was just born.

And he felt like he had let her down.

他覺得自己辜負了女兒。

That was it, our conversation was rushed and awkward.

我們的對話就只有這樣， 過程倉促又尷尬。

When I stepped outside the jail, a voice inside me said,

當我踏出監獄時， 心裡有個聲音說：

"Come back.

「回來吧！

If you don't come back now, you'll never come back."

如果你現在不回來， 就不會再回來了！」

So I graduated from law school and I went back.

於是，從法學院畢業後，我回去了。

I went back to see Patrick,

我回去見了派屈克，

I went back to see if I could help him with his legal case.

去看看我是否能協助 處理他的法律案件。

And this time, when I saw him a second time,

當我再次遇見他時，

I thought I had this great idea, I said,

我提了一個自認不錯的主意，

"Hey, Patrick, why don't you write a letter to your daughter,

我說：「嘿！派屈克！ 要不要寫封信給你女兒？

so that you can keep her on your mind?"

這樣你就能時時把她放在心上。」

我遞給他筆和紙，

And I handed him a pen and a piece of paper,

and he started to write.

他就開始寫信。

But when I saw the paper that he handed back to me,

但當我看到他交給我的那封信時，

I was shocked.

我難以置信。

我認不出他的字跡，

I didn't recognize his handwriting,

他連很簡單的字都拼錯。

he had made simple spelling mistakes.

我心想，身為老師，

And I thought to myself that as a teacher,

I knew that a student could dramatically improve

我知道學生可以突然進步得很快，

in a very quick amount of time,

but I never thought that a student could dramatically regress.

但我從來沒想過， 學生的程度可以退步這麼多。

What even pained me more,

更讓我感到衝擊的，

was seeing what he had written to his daughter.

是這封信的內容。

He had written,

裡面寫著：

"I'm sorry for my mistakes, I'm sorry for not being there for you."

「我對我做錯事感到抱歉， 不能在你的身邊我感到抱歉。」

And this was all he felt he had to say to her.

他覺得只需要對女兒說這些話。

And I asked myself how can I convince him that he has more to say,

我問自己：要如何讓他 相信自己有更多話要說，

parts of himself that he doesn't need to apologize for.

說的話也不只是他需要道歉的事。

I wanted him to feel

我想讓他覺得他還有 值得與女兒分享的事情。

that he had something worthwhile to share with his daughter.

For every day the next seven months,

接下來的七個月，

I visited him and brought books.

我每天都帶著書過去看他。

My tote bag became a little library.

我的袋子就像個小圖書館。

I brought James Baldwin,

我帶了詹姆斯·鮑德溫，

I brought Walt Whitman, C.S. Lewis.

我帶了華特·惠特曼、C.S. 路易斯，

I brought guidebooks to trees, to birds,

我帶了樹木指南、鳥類圖鑒，

and what would become his favorite book, the dictionary.

還有他最愛的字典。

On some days,

有時候，

we would sit for hours in silence, both of us reading.

我們會安靜同坐 好幾個小時，各自閱讀。

And on other days,

也有時候，

we would read together, we would read poetry.

我們會一起讀詩。

We started by reading haikus, hundreds of haikus,

我們從俳句開始讀，上百首的俳句。

a deceptively simple masterpiece.

看似簡單卻首首都是傑作。

And I would ask him, "Share with me your favorite haikus."

我要他分享他最喜歡的俳句，

And some of them are quite funny.

他挑了幾首還滿好玩的俳句。

So there's this by Issa:

比如小林一茶的這首：

「蜘蛛別慌

"Don't worry, spiders, I keep house casually."

我打掃房子　很隨意」

And this: "Napped half the day, no one punished me!"

還有這首：「睡了大半天

卻沒人　處罰我」

And this gorgeous one, which is about the first day of snow falling,

還有一首很優美，描寫初雪的，

"Deer licking first frost from each other's coats."

「小公鹿　相互舔拭

毛絨上初霜」

There's something mysterious and gorgeous

詩歌的形式看起來 就是有那麼些神秘感和美感。

just about the way a poem looks.

The empty space is as important as the words themselves.

而留白跟文字一樣重要。

We read this poem by W.S. Merwin,

我們讀了一首 W.S. 默溫的詩，

which he wrote after he saw his wife working in the garden

這是他看到妻子在花園裡工作，

and realized that they would spend the rest of their lives together.

明白他們將共度餘生之後寫下的。

「讓我想像我們隨心所願

"Let me imagine that we will come again

when we want to and it will be spring

再次歸來，屆時將是春天

We will be no older than we ever were

我們會像往昔那般青春

The worn griefs will have eased like the early cloud

磨舊憂愁將已消逝如朝霧

through which morning slowly comes to itself"

晨光總要慢慢破雲而出」

I asked Patrick what his favorite line was, and he said,

我問派屈克最喜歡哪一句，

他說：

"We will be no older than we ever were."

「我們會像往昔那般青春」，

He said it reminded him of a place where time just stops,

他說這句讓他想像 時間會暫停的地方，

where time doesn't matter anymore.

在那裏時間不再那麼重要。

And I asked him if he had a place like that,

我問他自己有沒有一個這樣的地方， 時間永遠停留的地方。

where time lasts forever.

And he said, "My mother."

他說：「媽媽身邊。」

When you read a poem alongside someone else,

當你與別人一起閱讀一首詩時，

詩的意義就會變化，

the poem changes in meaning.

Because it becomes personal to that person, becomes personal to you.

因為那首詩對你和共讀的人 都會有獨特意涵。

We then read books, we read so many books,

我們還讀其他書，好多書。

we read the memoir of Frederick Douglass,

我們讀了佛雷德里克·道格拉斯的自傳。

an American slave who taught himself to read and write

道格拉斯是個自學讀寫的奴隸，

並藉著讀書識字，走上自由之路。

and who escaped to freedom because of his literacy.

I had grown up thinking of Frederick Douglass as a hero

從小我就把道格拉斯視為一位英雄，

and I thought of this story as one of uplift and hope.

也把他的故事當作 奮發向上的勵志故事。

But this book put Patrick in a kind of panic.

但這本書卻讓派屈克感到惶恐，

He fixated on a story Douglass told of how, over Christmas,

他特別在意道格拉斯提到，

聖誕節期間，主人會讓奴隸喝琴酒，

masters give slaves gin

讓奴隸覺得他們無法掌控自由，

as a way to prove to them that they can't handle freedom.

Because slaves would be stumbling on the fields.

因為他們會跌跌撞撞，醉倒在田裡。

Patrick said he related to this.

派屈克對這個故事感同身受。

He said that there are people in jail who, like slaves,

他說有些在監獄的人 也會像這些奴隸一樣，

don't want to think about their condition,

不想思考自己的處境，

because it's too painful.

因為那實在太痛苦了。

Too painful to think about the past,

回想過去令人很痛苦，

too painful to think about how far we have to go.

去想這種日子 還要過多久，也很痛苦。

His favorite line was this line:

他最喜歡其中這一段：

"Anything, no matter what, to get rid of thinking!

「無論什麼都行，只要讓我擺脫思考！

It was this everlasting thinking of my condition that tormented me."

我無時無刻不在思考自己的 處境，這令我飽受折磨。」

Patrick said that Douglass was brave to write, to keep thinking.

派屈克覺得道格拉斯真的很勇敢，

因為他寫作、不斷思考。

但派屈克不知道，在我眼中， 他和道格拉斯有多像。

But Patrick would never know how much he seemed like Douglass to me.

How he kept reading, even though it put him in a panic.

就算這本書讓他感到惶恐， 他仍繼續讀下去；

He finished the book before I did,

他還比我先讀完這本書，

reading it in a concrete stairway with no light.

而且是在沒有燈的水泥樓梯間讀的。

And then we went on to read one of my favorite books,

接著我們讀我很喜歡的一本書，

Marilynne Robinson's "Gilead,"

瑪麗蓮·羅賓遜的小說《基列》，

which is an extended letter from a father to his son.

整本書是一封父親寫給兒子的信。

He loved this line:

他特別喜歡其中這句：

"I'm writing this in part to tell you

「我寫這封信給你的 原因之一是要告訴你，

that if you ever wonder what you've done in your life ...

如果你曾經自問 你這輩子做了什麼……

you have been God's grace to me,

你是上帝賜予我的恩典，

a miracle, something more than a miracle."

一個奇蹟，你的存在甚至超越奇蹟。」

Something about this language, its love, its longing, its voice,

文字裡所傳達的愛、期盼、語氣，

重新燃起他寫作的欲望。

rekindled Patrick's desire to write.

And he would fill notebooks upon notebooks

他一本本的筆記本，

with letters to his daughter.

滿滿的都是寫給女兒的信。

In these beautiful, intricate letters,

在一封封寫得又美又細緻的信裡，

he would imagine him and his daughter going canoeing down the Mississippi river.

他想像父女倆在密西西比河上， 划著獨木舟順流而下。

He would imagine them finding a mountain stream

他想像兩人找到一處 清澈見底的山澗。

with perfectly clear water.

看著派屈克寫作時，

As I watched Patrick write,

I thought to myself,

我心想著一個問題，

and I now ask all of you,

也想請教在座的各位：

how many of you have written a letter to somebody you feel you have let down?

「你是否曾經寫信 給你覺得曾辜負的人？」

最輕鬆的做法就是將對方拋諸腦後。

It is just much easier to put those people out of your mind.

But Patrick showed up every day, facing his daughter,

但派屈克卻每天都去面對 他女兒，認真為她負責；

holding himself accountable to her,

word by word with intense concentration.

他一字一句、全心全意地寫。

I wanted in my own life

在我的生命裡，

我也想把自己擺在那樣的處境，

to put myself at risk in that way.

Because that risk reveals the strength of one's heart.

因為面對那種挑戰才能 展現出一顆心的力量。

Let me take a step back and just ask an uncomfortable question.

讓我退一步反觀自己， 提出一個令人不自在的問題：

Who am I to tell this story, as in this Patrick story?

「我憑什麼講這個故事？ 這不是派屈克的故事嗎？」

派屈克才是苦中求生的人，

Patrick's the one who lived with this pain

而我生活寬裕、沒挨餓過。

and I have never been hungry a day in my life.

I thought about this question a lot,

我常常思考這個問題，

不過我想要講的是， 這不只是派屈克的故事，

but what I want to say is that this story is not just about Patrick.

It's about us,

而是我們共同的故事，

it's about the inequality between us.

講的是我們之間的不平等。

The world of plenty

故事裡有個富足的世界，

that Patrick and his parents and his grandparents

但派屈克和他的父母、 祖父母都被拒絕於門外。

have been shut out of.

In this story, I represent that world of plenty.

我在這個故事裡， 代表那個富足世界。

And in telling this story, I didn't want to hide myself.

在講這個故事時， 我不想再隱藏自己，

Hide the power that I do have.

或隱瞞我享有的權力與資源。

In telling this story, I wanted to expose that power

在講這故事時， 我想揭露自己的優勢，

and then to ask,

並問：

how do we diminish the distance between us?

「我們要如何減少彼此間的距離？」

Reading is one way to close that distance.

閱讀是一種能縮短這個距離的方法，

It gives us a quiet universe that we can share together,

閱讀賦予我們一個 能平等共享的安靜世界。

that we can share in equally.

You're probably wondering now what happened to Patrick.

你也許會好奇想問： 派屈克後來怎麼了？

Did reading save his life?

閱讀拯救他了嗎？

It did and it didn't.

可以說有，也可以說沒有。

When Patrick got out of prison,

派屈克出獄後，

his journey was excruciating.

他的生活非常痛苦，

Employers turned him away because of his record,

雇主因為他的犯罪記錄 而不願聘用他。

his best friend, his mother, died at age 43

他最親近的朋友，也就是他母親，

43 歲時，死於心臟病及糖尿病。

from heart disease and diabetes.

He's been homeless, he's been hungry.

他曾無家可歸，經常挨餓。

So people say a lot of things about reading that feel exaggerated to me.

人們說了許多閱讀的好處， 我覺得有些誇大。

Being literate didn't stop him form being discriminated against.

派屈克沒有因為 會讀書識字而不被歧視，

It didn't stop his mother from dying.

讀書識字也救不了他母親。

So what can reading do?

那，閱讀到底有什麼用？

I have a few answers to end with today.

我在此用幾個答案來結尾。

Reading charged his inner life

閱讀改變了他的內心世界，

with mystery, with imagination,

賦予神秘、想像力和美。

with beauty.

Reading gave him images that gave him joy:

閱讀讓他心中充滿了愉悅的景象：

mountain, ocean, deer, frost.

山、海、鹿、霜，

在字句間他體驗到了 自由和自然的世界；

Words that taste of a free, natural world.

Reading gave him a language for what he had lost.

閱讀賦予他聲音， 來訴說自己失去的一切。

How precious are these lines from the poet Derek Walcott?

德里克·沃爾科特的 這幾行詩寫得真好，

Patrick memorized this poem.

派屈克把這首詩都背下來了。

"Days that I have held,

「我擁有的歲月

days that I have lost,

我丟失的歲月

days that outgrow, like daughters,

漸長的歲月，如女兒漸長

my harboring arms."

再也容不進停泊的，我的臂彎」

Reading taught him his own courage.

閱讀給了他勇氣，

Remember that he kept reading Frederick Douglass,

記得他是如何在痛苦惶恐中 仍繼續閱讀道格拉斯書的書嗎？

even though it was painful.

He kept being conscious, even though being conscious hurts.

意識到自身的處境為他帶來傷痛， 他還是清醒的保有這種意識。

Reading is a form of thinking,

閱讀是種思考的方式，

that's why it's difficult to read because we have to think.

閱讀之所以困難是因為 我們得邊讀邊思考，

And Patrick chose to think, rather than to not think.

而派屈克選擇了思考， 而非放棄思考。

最後，閱讀讓他找到了 一種和女兒溝通的語言，

And last, reading gave him a language to speak to his daughter.

Reading inspired him to want to write.

閱讀激發了他的寫作興趣，

The link between reading and writing is so powerful.

閱讀與寫作的關聯是如此強大。

When we begin to read,

我們開始閱讀後，

we begin to find the words.

就能漸漸找到表達自己的詞彙。

And he found the words to imagine the two of them together.

他找到了自己的文字， 來描繪父女共處的幻想世界。

He found the words

他也找到了用文字表達父愛的方式。

to tell her how much he loved her.

閱讀也改變了我們彼此的關係，

Reading also changed our relationship with each other.

讓我們有機會變得更親密，

It gave us an occasion for intimacy,

to see beyond our points of view.

也讓我們能跳脫自己原有的觀點。

閱讀也能在原本不平等的關係中，

And reading took an unequal relationship

and gave us a momentary equality.

創造出暫時的平等；

當你以讀者身分初識某人，

When you meet somebody as a reader,

you meet him for the first time,

newly, freshly.

新鮮而陌生。

There is no way you can know what his favorite line will be.

你不會知道他最喜歡哪一段文字，

What memories and private griefs he has.

他私底下又有哪些回憶和痛苦。

And you face the ultimate privacy of his inner life.

你直接面對的是 他內在世界最私密的部分。

And then you start to wonder, "Well, what is my inner life made of?

然後你可能會思考：

「那麼，我的內心世界裡有什麼？

我有甚麼是值得與人的分享的呢？」

What do I have that's worthwhile to share with another?"

我想從派屈克寫給女兒的信中

I want to close

on some of my favorite lines from Patrick's letters to his daughter.

摘錄出我最愛的幾句來做結尾：

"The river is shadowy in some places

「河流的某些部分被陰影遮住，

不過光線會從樹木的縫隙透進來……

but the light shines through the cracks of trees ...

On some branches hang plenty of mulberries.

許多桑葚懸掛在一些低矮樹枝上。

妳伸長了手想去摘。」

You stretch your arm straight out to grab some."

還有這封很美的信：

And this lovely letter, where he writes,

"Close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the words.

「把眼睛閉上，聽那些字詞的聲音。

I know this poem by heart

我把它背得很熟，

我想讓妳也知道它。」

and I would like you to know it, too."

Thank you so much everyone.

謝謝大家！

(Applause)

（掌聲）