My failed mission to find God -- and what I found instead | Anjali Kumar

翻译人员: jacks peng 校对人员: Danyang Luo

A few years ago,

几年前，

I set out on a mission to find God.

我曾试着寻找上帝，

Now, I'm going to tell you right up front that I failed,

我得先承认，我失败了。

which, as a lawyer,

身为一名律师，

is a really hard thing for me to admit.

我很难接受这个事实。

But on that failed journey,

但在这场失败的路途上，

a lot of what I found was enlightening.

我受到了很多启发

And one thing in particular gave me a lot of hope.

尤其是有件事，让我重拾希望。

It has to do with the magnitude and significance of our differences.

这与我们差异的大小和意义有关。

So, I was raised in America by Indian parents -- culturally Hindu,

我在美国长大，父母是印度人， 我接受的是印度文化，

but practicing a strict and relatively unknown religion outside of India

但信仰一种非印度本土，严格、不那么出名的

called Jainism.

叫做耆那教的宗教。

To give you an idea of just how minority that makes me:

告诉你们，我这个宗教是怎么一个少数派：

people from India represent roughly one percent of the US population;

印度裔人大概占美国人口的1%；

Hindus, about 0.7 percent;

印度教教徒，大约有0.7%；

Jains, at most .00046 percent.

耆那教教徒最多只有0.00046%。

To put that in context:

具体而言，

more people visit the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory each year

每年参观泰迪熊佛蒙特工厂的人数

than are followers of the Jain religion in America.

都比美国耆那教教徒还多。

To add to my minority mix, my parents then decided,

我的少数状况又再上一层楼， 因为我的父母决定：

"What a great idea! Let's send her to Catholic school" --

“真是好主意！那就把她送去天主教学校！”

(Laughter)

（笑声)

where my sister and I were the only non-white,

在那所学校，只有我和我的妹妹是非白人，

non-Catholic students in the entire school.

非天主教徒的学生。

At the Infant Jesus of Prague School in Flossmoor, Illinois --

在伊利诺斯州弗洛斯穆尔的布拉格少儿耶稣学校

yes, that's really what it was called --

是的，校名就是这样的——

we were taught to believe that there is a single Supreme Being

我们被教导要相信只有一位至高无上的神

who is responsible for everything,

他掌管着世间一切，

the whole shebang,

所有一切。

from the creation of the Universe to moral shepherding to eternal life.

从宇宙的创造到道德引导到永垂不朽。

But at home,

但在家中，

I was being taught something entirely different.

父母教给我完全不一样的东西。

Followers of the Jain religion

耆那教教徒

don't believe in a single Supreme Being

并不信奉有这样一位全能神

or even a team of Supreme Beings.

也不相信有一群神灵。

Instead, we're taught that God manifests

在耆那教，我们被教导

as the perfection of each of us as individuals,

我们每一个人都是上帝的完美化身，

and that we're actually spending our entire lives

而我们这一生所要做的

striving to remove the bad karmas

就是摒弃阻挡前进的恶业

that stand in the way of us becoming our own godlike, perfect selves.

成就自我的神性，完美的自我

On top of that, one of the core principles of Jainism

最重要的是，耆那教的核心教义是

is something called "non-absolutism."

“非绝对论”。

Non-absolutists believe that no single person

非绝对论者认为没有人

can hold ownership or knowledge of absolute truth,

能够掌控所有绝对真理，

even when it comes to religious beliefs.

即便是在宗教信仰上也一样。

Good luck testing that concept out

愿你可以找到一间天主学校

on the priests and nuns in your Catholic school.

和那儿的神父和修女验证这个概念。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

No wonder I was confused

难怪我当时总感到困惑

and hyperaware of how different I was from my peers.

并对我与同龄人的不同非常敏感。

Cut to 20-something years later,

二十多年后，

and I found myself to be a highly spiritual person,

我发现自己是一个高度灵性的人，

but I was floundering.

但是我有种苦苦挣扎的感觉。

I was spiritually homeless.

我在精神上找不到归宿。

I came to learn that I was a "None,"

我开始意识到我是个“无”，

which isn't an acronym or a clever play on words,

这并非某个缩略词或是诙谐的双关语，

nor is it one of these.

也不是这些之一。 （注：修女nun,英语发音近似）

It's simply the painfully uninspired name

这不过是个痛苦且平淡的词，

given to everyone who checks off the box "none"

当皮尤调查询问他们的宗教信仰时，

when Pew Research asks them about their religious affiliation.

用来让人勾选“无”的选项。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now, a couple of interesting things about Nones are:

关于无信仰者，有几个有趣的事情：

there are a lot of us,

其实有很多无信仰者，

and we skew young.

年龄偏年轻。

In 2014, there were over 56 million religiously unaffiliated Nones

2014年，在美国有超过5600万人

属于无宗教信仰者。

in the United States.

And Nones account for over one-third of adults

在18-33岁的成年人口中，

between the ages of 18 to 33.

无宗教信仰者占人口的1/3。

But the most interesting thing to me about Nones

但对我而言，无宗教信仰者最有趣的一点是

is that we're often spiritual.

我们往往很有灵性。

In fact, 68 percent of us believe, with some degree of certainty,

事实上，68%的人相信， 在一定程度上相信

that there is a God.

神的存在。

We're just not sure who it is.

我们只是不确定它是谁。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

So the first takeaway for me

所以我获得的第一个启发是

when I realized I was a None and had found that information out

当我意识我到作为无神论者，我发现

was that I wasn't alone.

我并不孤单。

I was finally part of a group in America

我终于成为美国群众的一员，

that had a lot of members,

有很多的同伴，

which felt really reassuring.

这感觉真让人安心。

But then the second, not-so-reassuring takeaway

但我学到的第二点， 就不那么令人宽慰了

was that, oh, man, there are a lot of us.

哦，这么多人无宗教信仰。

That can't be good,

这可不太好，

because if a lot of highly spiritual people are currently godless,

因为如果很多高灵性的人都是无神论者，

maybe finding God is not going to be as easy as I had originally hoped.

也许寻找神并不像我起初希望的那么简单。

So that is when I decided that on my spiritual journey,

所以那时，我下定决心， 在我的心灵之旅中

I was going to avoid the obvious places

我要避开那些显而易见的地方

and skip the big-box religions altogether

跳过那些广为人知的宗教

and instead venture out into the spiritual fringe

而是冒险进入灵性的边缘

of mediums

去探索灵媒，

and faith healers

信仰治疗师

and godmen.

和神人。

But remember, I'm a non-absolutist,

记住，我是个非绝对论者，

which means I was pretty inclined to keep a fairly open mind,

这意味着我非常乐意保持开放的心态，

which turned out to be a good thing,

结果显示这是件好事，

because I went to a witch's potluck dinner

因为我去纽约市的LGBT多元中心参与了 （注：同性恋、双性恋和跨性别族群）

at the LGBT Center in New York City,

女巫的百乐餐， （每人自带一个菜的家庭聚会）

where I befriended two witches;

在那我结交了两位女巫；

drank a five-gallon jerrican full of volcanic water

与秘鲁的萨满巫师喝了灌满5加仑

with a shaman in Peru;

的火山水；

got a hug from a saint in the convention center --

在会议中心得到一个圣人的拥抱。

she smelled really nice --

她真的很香

(Laughter)

（笑声）

chanted for hours in a smoke-filled, heat-infused sweat lodge

在墨西哥海滩边烟雾缭绕、 蒸汽腾腾的蒸汗屋中

on the beaches of Mexico;

高颂圣歌好几个小时；

worked with a tequila-drinking medium to convene with the dead,

跟痛饮龙舌兰酒的灵媒一起召唤亡灵，

who oddly included both my deceased mother-in-law

甚至包括我已过世的岳母

and the deceased manager of the hip-hop group The Roots.

和嘻哈组合“The Roots”的经纪人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yeah, my mother-in-law told me she was really happy

嗯，我岳母告诉我她很开心

her son had chosen me for his wife.

她儿子选择和我结婚。

Duh! But --

但......

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Yeah.

是的。

But the manager of The Roots

但The Roots的经纪人

said that maybe I should cut back on all the pasta I was eating.

说我也许应该减少吃意大利面的分量。

I think we can all agree

我想我们都会同意这点

that it was lucky for my husband that it wasn't his dead mother

我的丈夫很幸运，他死去的母亲

who suggested I lay off carbs.

并没建议我减少碳水化合物。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I also joined a laughing yoga group out of South Africa;

我也加入过南非的一个大笑瑜伽组织；

witnessed a woman have a 45-minute orgasm --

见到了一个高潮45分钟的女性

I am not making this up --

我没胡编乱造

as she tapped into the energy of the universe --

当时她是在利用宇宙的能量

I think I'm going to go back there --

我想我会回到那里

(Laughter)

（笑声）

called God from a phone booth in the Nevada desert at Burning Man,

火人节的时候 我在内华达州沙漠的电话亭里与上帝通话，

wearing a unitard and ski goggles;

穿戴着紧身衣和滑雪镜；

and I had an old Indian guy lie on top of me,

我还让一个老印度人躺在我上面，

and no, he wasn't my husband.

不，他不是我丈夫。

This was a perfect stranger named Paramji,

这个素昧平生的人叫帕拉吉，

and he was chanting into my chakras

他在吟通我的任督二脉

as he tapped into the energy forces of the Universe to heal my "yoni,"

借助宇宙的力量来治愈我的“Yoni”

which is a Sanskrit word for "vagina."

这是“阴道”的梵文词。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I was going to have a slide here,

我本打算在这里放张幻灯片，

but a few people suggested

但有人建议说

that a slide of my yoni at TED -- even TEDWomen --

在TED里放映Yoni的幻灯片，即便是女性TED

not the best idea.

也不是个好主意。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Very early in my quest,

在我探索之初，

I also went to see the Brazilian faith healer John of God

我去见了巴西的信仰治疗师 约翰神仆，

at his compound down in Brazil.

在他巴西的院子里。

Now, John of God is considered a full-trance medium,

现在，约翰神仆被视为完全入定的灵媒，

which basically means he can talk to dead people.

这意味着他可以跟死人对话。

But in his case, he claims to channel a very specific group

在他看来，他认为自己可以引导 一个特定的种群：

of dead saints and doctors

死去圣徒和医生

in order to heal whatever's wrong with you.

来治愈各种病痛。

And although John of God does not have a medical degree

尽管约翰没有任何医学学位

or even a high school diploma,

甚至连高中文凭都没有，

he actually performs surgery --

他确实在做手术

the real kind, with a scalpel,

真正的那种，要用解剖刀的，

but no anesthesia.

但不打麻醉。

Yeah, I don't know.

我也不清楚

He also offers invisible surgery, where there is no cutting,

他还提供无创的隐形手术

and surrogate surgery,

和代孕手术。

where he supposedly can treat somebody who is thousands of miles away

甚至可以通过对所爱的人执行手术来

by performing a procedure on a loved one.

治疗千里之外的人

Now, when you go to visit John of God,

现在，当你去拜访约翰，

there are all kinds of rules and regulations.

会有各种条条框框。

It's a whole complicated thing,

是一整套非常复杂的东西，

but the bottom line is that you can visit John of God

但至少你可以见到他

and present him with three things that you would like fixed,

向他展示三件你想弥补的事，

and he will set the dead saints and doctors to work on your behalf

他会让死去的圣徒和医生为你服务

帮你实现心愿。

to get the job done.

(Laughter)

（笑声）

Now, before you snicker,

现在，在你们窃笑前，

consider

先想一下，

that, at least according to his website,

至少他的网站数据显示，

over eight million people --

超过800万的人，

including Oprah,

包括奥普拉在内，

the Goddess of Daytime TV --

就是那位日间电视的女主持

have gone to see John of God,

都去见过约翰神仆

and I was pre-wired to keep an open mind.

我天生就抱着开放的心态。

But to be honest, the whole thing for me was kind of weird and inconclusive,

但老实讲，我对这些仍感到 奇怪和无所适从，

and in the end, I flew home,

最终，我回家后，

even more confused than I already started out.

甚至比出发时更困惑。

But that doesn't mean I came home empty-handed.

这并不意味着我回家时两手空空。

In the weeks leading up to my trip to Brazil,

在我去巴西的前几周，

I mentioned my upcoming plans to some friends

我跟几个朋友和Google的同事

and to a couple of colleagues at Google,

说了我接下来的计划，

where I was a lawyer at the time.

当时我是那里的律师。

And I might have mentioned it to a couple more people

我可能还向更多的人提到了这些

because I'm chatty,

因为我是个爱闲聊的人，

including my neighbor,

包括我的邻居，

the guy who works at the local coffee shop I go to each morning,

那个在我每天早上都去的咖啡店里的员工，

the checkout lady at Whole Foods

全食超市的收银员，

and a stranger who sat next to me on the subway.

以及在地铁上坐我旁边的陌生人。

I told each of them where I was going

我告诉他们每一个人我打算去哪里

and why,

以及为什么，

and I offered to carry three wishes of theirs down to Brazil,

我告诉他们，我可以 带着他们的三个愿望去巴西，

explaining that anyone going to see John of God

因为每个去见约翰的人

could act as a proxy for others

都可以作为其他的人代表，

and save them the trip.

以减免众人的长途跋涉。

And to my surprise, my in-box overflowed.

让我惊讶的是，我的邮箱爆炸了。

Friends told friends who told friends,

朋友们告诉了他们的朋友，

and those friends apparently told more friends,

他们的朋友又告诉了更多的朋友、

other strangers and the guys at their coffee shops,

陌生人、咖啡店里的其他人，

until it seemed that days before I left for Brazil

到我前往巴西的那天，

that there was no one who did not have my email address.

似乎没人不知道我的电子邮箱地址。

And at the time, all I could conclude was that I had offered too much

那个时候，我能得出的结论只有 我向太多人

to too many.

允诺了太多事情。

But when I actually reread those messages a few years later,

但当我几年后重新阅读这些信息时，

I noticed something completely different.

我注意到一些完全不同的事情。

Those emails actually shared three commonalities,

这些电子邮件其实有三个共同点，

the first of which was rather curious.

第一点是相当奇怪的。

Almost everyone sent me meticulous details about how they could be reached.

几乎每个人都向我详细地介绍了 他们的联系方式。

I had told them, or their friends had told them,

我告诉过他们， 或者他们的朋友告诉过他们，

that along with the list of the three things they wanted fixed,

除了三个他们想弥补的事情外，

I needed their photo, their name and their date of birth.

我需要他们的照片，名字和出生日期。

But they gave me full addresses, with, like, apartment numbers and zip codes,

但他们给了我完整的地址， 包括房间号和邮编，

as if John of God was going to stop by their house

就好像是约翰神仆会造访他们

and see them in person or send along a package.

亲自会见他们或者给他们寄快递似的。

It was as if, in the highly unlikely event that their wishes were granted

这就好像，如果他们的愿望会被约翰神仆实现

by John of God,

虽然不太可能，

they just wanted to make sure that they weren't delivered

他们仍想确认这些愿望不会

to the wrong person or the wrong address.

被送错对象或弄错地址。

Even if they didn't believe,

即便他们不相信，

they were hedging their bets.

他们也在两边下注。

The second commonality was just as curious,

第二个共同点也很奇怪，

but far more humbling.

但更谦卑。

Virtually everyone --

几乎所有人——

the stranger on the subway,

地铁里的陌生人，

the guy at the coffee shop,

咖啡店里的伙计，

the lawyer down the hall,

走道另一头的律师，

the Jew, the atheist, the Muslim, the devout Catholic --

犹太人，无神论者，穆斯林，虔诚的天主教徒——

all asked for essentially the same three things.

所有人都在追寻同样三件事。

OK, there were a couple of outliers, and yes, a few people asked for cash.

好吧，有几个例外， 有些人追求金钱。

But when I eliminated what were ultimately a handful of anomalies,

但是当我排除了一些反常要求后，

the similarities were staggering.

相似度是惊人的。

Almost every single person

几乎每个人

first asked for good health for themselves and their families.

都祈求自己和家人身体健康。

Almost universally,

几乎每个人，

they next asked for happiness

都祈求幸福

and then love,

然后是爱情。

in that order:

顺序如下：

health, happiness, love.

健康，幸福，爱情

Sometimes they asked for a specific health issue to be fixed,

有的人请求解决一个具体的健康问题，

but more often than not, they just asked for good health in general.

但一般而言，他们只要求整体上的身体健康。

When it came to happiness,

当涉及到幸福时，

they each phrased it slightly differently,

他们的措辞略有不同，

but they all asked for the same specific subtype of happiness, too --

但是他们都祈求同样的特定幸福类型，

the kind of happiness that sinks in

这种幸福感渗入肌肤

and sets down roots in your soul;

深入灵魂；

the kind of happiness that could sustain us,

那种即便我们失去所有其他东西，

even if we were to lose absolutely everything else.

亦能支撑着我们的幸福。

And for love,

至于爱情，

they all asked for the kind of romantic love,

他们都追求浪漫的爱情，

the soul mate that we read about in epic romantic novels,

那种我们在史诗浪漫小说中读到的灵魂伴侣，

the kind of love that will stay with us till the end of our days.

那种天长地久永相伴的爱情。

Sorry, that's my husband.

抱歉，那是我丈夫。

Crap! Now I forgot my place.

天啦！我忘了我说到哪儿了。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

(Applause)

（鼓掌）

So by and large,

所以总的来说，

all of these friends and strangers,

这些朋友和陌生人，

regardless of their background, race or religion,

无论他们的背景，种族和宗教是什么，

all asked for the same things,

他们都追寻着同样的东西，

and they were the same things that I really wanted,

和我想要的东西是一样的，

the simplified version of the basic human needs

就是那种人类的基本需求

identified by social scientists like Abraham Maslow and Manfred Max-Neef.

由马斯洛和曼弗雷德等社会科学家发现的需求。

No one asked for answers to the big existential questions

没有人寻求重大存在问题的答案

or for proof of God or the meaning of life like I had set out to find.

或证明上帝的存在， 或是我想找的生命意义。

They didn't even ask for an end to war or global hunger.

甚至也没人要求结束战争或全球饥荒。

Even when they could have asked for absolutely anything,

即便他们可以要求任何事情，

they all asked for health, happiness and love.

他们都祈求健康，幸福和爱情。

So now those emails had a third commonality as well.

这些电子邮件还有第三个共同点。

Each of them ended in the exact same way.

每封邮件结束的方式都基本一样。

Instead of thanking me for carting their wishes all the way to Brazil,

不是感谢我把他们的愿望一路带到巴西，

everyone said,

每个人都说，

"Please don't tell anyone."

“请不要告诉别人”。

So I decided to tell everyone --

所以我打算告诉每一个人。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

right here on this stage,

就在这个舞台上，

not because I'm untrustworthy,

不是因为我不可信，

but because the fact that we have so much in common

而是因为这些非常相似的事实，

feels especially important for us all to hear, especially now,

对我们大家而言尤其重要，尤其是现在，

when so many of the world's problems

当下世界的很多问题

seem to be because we keep focusing on the things that make us different,

看起来源于我们太关注于我们的不同之处，

not on what binds us together.

而不是我们的相同之处。

And look -- I am the first to admit that I am not a statistician,

还有，我首先要承认我不是统计学家，

and that the data I presented to you that I just accumulated in my in-box

我给你们展示的数据是我在收件箱里发现的

is more anecdotal than scientific, more qualitative than quantitative.

是定性的，不是科学的和定量的。

It is, as anyone who works with data would tell you,

数据统计者会告诉你

hardly a statistically significant or demographically balanced sample.

这几乎不具有统计上的显著性 在人口样本上也不平衡。

But nonetheless, I find myself thinking about those emails

尽管如此，每次回想起在生活中遇到

every time I reflect back on the bias and prejudice

偏见和歧视，

that I've faced in my life,

或者又一起仇恨犯罪或无意义的悲剧发生时，

or when there's another hate crime or a senseless tragedy

我们的分歧无法克服

that underscores the disheartening sense

而让人备感沮丧时。

that our differences might be insurmountable.

我发现我总会想起这些邮件，

I then remind myself that I have evidence

我会提醒自己我有证据

that the humbling, unifying commonality

我们的人性当中

让人谦卑且一致的共同性是

of our humanity

is that, even when presented with the opportunity

即便我们拥有机会

to ask for anything at all,

去追寻任何东西，

most of us want the same things,

我们大多数人想要的仍然是同样的东西，

and that this is true no matter who we are,

这点是确切的，不管我们是谁，

what name we call our god,

我们的神叫什么，

or which religion, if any, we call home.

我们是什么宗教，或者， 我们的归属是哪里。

I then also note

我还注意到

that apparently some of us want these things so badly

很明显，我们中的一些人非常想要这些东西

that we would email a None,

我们甚至会给“无神论者”发邮件，

a spiritually confused None like me --

一个精神上的困惑者，像我这样的“无神论者”

some might say otherwise confused as well --

一些人可能也有其他困惑——

and that we would seek out this stranger and email her our deepest wishes,

我们会寻找这个陌生人 并向她传达我们最深的祝福，

just in case there is the remote possibility

以防万一，万一这些愿望

that they might be granted by someone who is not a god,

会被一个不是上帝的人实现，

much less our god,

可能不是我们的神，

someone who is not even a member of our chosen religion,

一个甚至不是我们所选择的宗教的成员，

someone who, when you look at him on paper,

一个当你在报纸上看到时，

觉得似乎不太可能替你实现的人。

seems like an unlikely candidate to deliver.

And so now,

所以现在，

when I reflect back on my spiritual quest,

当我回想起我的这段旅程，

even though I did not find God,

尽管我没有找到上帝，

I found a home in this:

我在当中找到了家园。

even today, in a world fractured by religious,

即使在今天，在一个被宗教，

ethnic, political, philosophical, and racial divides,

种族、政治、哲学和种族分离的世界里，

even with all of our obvious differences,

即使我们有明显的差异，

at the end of the day,

到头来，

and the most fundamental level,

在最基本的层面，

we are all the same.

我们都是一样的。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（鼓掌）