My failed mission to find God -- and what I found instead | Anjali Kumar

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Yanyan Hong

A few years ago,

幾年前，

I set out on a mission to find God.

我展開了一項尋找神的任務。

Now, I'm going to tell you right up front that I failed,

我先告訴各位，我失敗了，

which, as a lawyer,

身為律師，

is a really hard thing for me to admit.

我真的很難承認這件事。

But on that failed journey,

但，在那趟失敗的旅程中，

a lot of what I found was enlightening.

許多發現都相當有啟發性。

And one thing in particular gave me a lot of hope.

其中特別有一項， 給了我許多希望。

It has to do with the magnitude and significance of our differences.

它和我們的差異的大小 以及重要性有關。

So, I was raised in America by Indian parents -- culturally Hindu,

我在美國長大，父母是 印度人——文化上是印度，

but practicing a strict and relatively unknown religion outside of India

但他們信仰的是在印度外的宗教， 嚴格且相對不太為人所知，

called Jainism.

叫做耆那教。

To give you an idea of just how minority that makes me:

讓各位知道一下這種宗教 讓我變成多麼少數：

people from India represent roughly one percent of the US population;

美國人口中，約有 1% 來自印度；

Hindus, about 0.7 percent;

印度人大約是 0.7%；

Jains, at most .00046 percent.

耆那教徒，最多 0.00046%。

To put that in context:

用情境來比喻：

more people visit the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory each year

每年造訪佛蒙特州泰迪熊工廠的人數

than are followers of the Jain religion in America.

都比美國的耆那教徒還多。

To add to my minority mix, my parents then decided,

我的少數狀況又再上一層樓， 因為我父母決定：

"What a great idea! Let's send her to Catholic school" --

「好棒的點子！咱們送她 去讀天主教學校。」——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

where my sister and I were the only non-white,

全校只有我和我妹妹是

non-Catholic students in the entire school.

非白人、非天主教的學生。

At the Infant Jesus of Prague School in Flossmoor, Illinois --

在伊利諾州佛羅斯的 布拉格聖嬰耶穌學校——

yes, that's really what it was called --

是的，校名真的就是這樣——

we were taught to believe that there is a single Supreme Being

我們被教導要相信 有唯一的至高神存在，

who is responsible for everything,

祂要對一切負責，

the whole shebang,

所有的狀況，

from the creation of the Universe to moral shepherding to eternal life.

從創造宇宙，到道德指引， 到永生，都歸祂管。

But at home,

但在家裡，

I was being taught something entirely different.

我被教導的又完全不同了。

Followers of the Jain religion

耆那教的追隨者

don't believe in a single Supreme Being

不相信單一的至高神，

or even a team of Supreme Beings.

甚至不相信一組至高神。

Instead, we're taught that God manifests

反之，我們被教導的是，

as the perfection of each of us as individuals,

我們每個人身上的完美， 就是神現形的方式，

and that we're actually spending our entire lives

我們其實窮盡我們的一生，

striving to remove the bad karmas

努力消除不好的「業」，

that stand in the way of us becoming our own godlike, perfect selves.

因為它阻擋我們，不讓我們 成為那個如神般的完美自己。

On top of that, one of the core principles of Jainism

最重要的是，耆那教的核心原則之一

is something called "non-absolutism."

是所謂的「非絕對主義」。

Non-absolutists believe that no single person

非絕對主義者認為，沒有一個人

can hold ownership or knowledge of absolute truth,

能夠持有絕對真相的所有權或知識，

even when it comes to religious beliefs.

即使在宗教信仰上也一樣。

Good luck testing that concept out

若想在你的天主教學校中

對神父和修女完整測試 那個概念，祝你好運。

on the priests and nuns in your Catholic school.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

No wonder I was confused

難怪我當時會困惑，

and hyperaware of how different I was from my peers.

且非常能意識到我和 我的同儕有多麼不同。

Cut to 20-something years later,

跳到二十多年後，

and I found myself to be a highly spiritual person,

我發現我自己是個高度靈性的人，

but I was floundering.

但我在掙扎。

I was spiritually homeless.

在精神世界中，我無家可歸。

I came to learn that I was a "None,"

我漸漸了解，我是一個 「無信仰者（none）」，

which isn't an acronym or a clever play on words,

它不是字首縮寫或是 在文字上賣弄小聰明，

nor is it one of these.

也不是這些之一。 (註：修女 nun，英語發音近似)

It's simply the painfully uninspired name

它很單純，就是一個 痛苦且沒激情的名字，

given to everyone who checks off the box "none"

給予那些被皮尤研究中心 （註：美國一民調和智庫機構）

問到宗教信仰時，勾選「無」的人。

when Pew Research asks them about their religious affiliation.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, a couple of interesting things about Nones are:

關於無信仰者，有一些有趣的事：

there are a lot of us,

我們人數很多，

and we skew young.

我們偏年輕。

In 2014, there were over 56 million religiously unaffiliated Nones

2014 年，有 5600 萬人 沒有宗教信仰，

in the United States.

這是美國的數據。

And Nones account for over one-third of adults

18 至 33 歲的成年人中

有三分之一以上是無信仰者。

between the ages of 18 to 33.

But the most interesting thing to me about Nones

但，關於無信仰者 我覺得最有趣的是，

is that we're often spiritual.

我們通常都是靈性的人。

In fact, 68 percent of us believe, with some degree of certainty,

事實上，我們當中 有 68% 的人相信

在某種程度上必然有神存在。

that there is a God.

We're just not sure who it is.

我們只是不確定祂是誰。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

So the first takeaway for me

當我了解到我是個無信仰者，

when I realized I was a None and had found that information out

且找出了那些資訊之後， 我學到的第一件事是，

was that I wasn't alone.

我並不孤單。

I was finally part of a group in America

終於，在美國，我隸屬一個

that had a lot of members,

人數眾多的團體了，

which felt really reassuring.

這感覺挺令人寬慰的。

But then the second, not-so-reassuring takeaway

但我學到的第二件事 就不那麼令人寬慰了，

was that, oh, man, there are a lot of us.

那就是，喔，天，我們人數好多啊。

That can't be good,

那不可能是好事，

because if a lot of highly spiritual people are currently godless,

因為，如果目前有很多 高度靈性的人不信仰神，

maybe finding God is not going to be as easy as I had originally hoped.

那麼，也許找到神並沒有 我原本希望的那麼容易。

So that is when I decided that on my spiritual journey,

那時，我下定決心， 在我的靈性之旅中，

I was going to avoid the obvious places

我要避開明顯的地方，

and skip the big-box religions altogether

且略過所有的大型宗教，

and instead venture out into the spiritual fringe

取而代之，我要冒險 進入靈性的邊緣，

of mediums

去探索靈媒、

and faith healers

信念治癒者

and godmen.

及神人。

But remember, I'm a non-absolutist,

但，切記，我是個非絕對主義者，

which means I was pretty inclined to keep a fairly open mind,

這表示我很傾向保持很開放的心胸，

which turned out to be a good thing,

結果發現，這是件好事，

because I went to a witch's potluck dinner

因為我去參加了女巫的攜菜聚餐， （註：每人各自帶菜共享）

at the LGBT Center in New York City,

位在紐約市的 LGBT 多元中心。 （註：同性戀、雙性戀和跨性別族群）

where I befriended two witches;

我和兩位女巫交了朋友；

drank a five-gallon jerrican full of volcanic water

喝了滿滿五加崙汽油桶的火山水，

with a shaman in Peru;

和秘魯的黃教僧一起喝；

got a hug from a saint in the convention center --

在會議中心得到聖人的一個擁抱，

she smelled really nice --

她真的很好聞；

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

chanted for hours in a smoke-filled, heat-infused sweat lodge

在滿是煙且很熱的印第安 蒸汽浴室中吟誦了數小時，

on the beaches of Mexico;

位在墨西哥的海灘上；

worked with a tequila-drinking medium to convene with the dead,

和喝龍舌蘭酒的靈某一起召喚亡者，

who oddly included both my deceased mother-in-law

奇特的是她納入的人 同時有我已故的岳母

and the deceased manager of the hip-hop group The Roots.

以及嬉哈扎根樂團 （The Roots）的已故經理。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Yeah, my mother-in-law told me she was really happy

是的，我的岳母告訴我， 她非常高興

her son had chosen me for his wife.

她兒子選擇和我結婚。

Duh! But --

那還用說！但

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Yeah.

是啊。

But the manager of The Roots

但扎根樂團的經理

said that maybe I should cut back on all the pasta I was eating.

說我也許應該要把 我在吃的義大利麵減量。

I think we can all agree

我想，我們都認同

that it was lucky for my husband that it wasn't his dead mother

我先生很幸運，不是他的已故母親

who suggested I lay off carbs.

建議我停止吃碳水化合物。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I also joined a laughing yoga group out of South Africa;

我也加入了一個 來自非洲的笑瑜伽團體；

witnessed a woman have a 45-minute orgasm --

我目擊了一位女子， 高潮長達四十五分鐘——

I am not making this up --

不是我編造的——

as she tapped into the energy of the universe --

當時她是在利用宇宙的能量——

I think I'm going to go back there --

我想我要再回去那裡——

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

called God from a phone booth in the Nevada desert at Burning Man,

在內華達州的燃燒人節慶上 從一間電話亭打電話給神，

wearing a unitard and ski goggles;

穿著彈力緊身衣和滑雪護目鏡；

and I had an old Indian guy lie on top of me,

我還讓一位老印度人躺在我上面，

and no, he wasn't my husband.

不，他不是我老公。

This was a perfect stranger named Paramji,

這位素未平生的陌生人叫帕拉姆先生，

and he was chanting into my chakras

他在對著我的脈輪吟誦，

as he tapped into the energy forces of the Universe to heal my "yoni,"

同時他利用宇宙的能量 來治癒我的「yoni」，

which is a Sanskrit word for "vagina."

這個字是梵文，意思是「陰道」。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I was going to have a slide here,

我本來要放一張投影片的，

but a few people suggested

但有些人建議，

that a slide of my yoni at TED -- even TEDWomen --

在 TED 放我的 yoni 投影片， 就算在 TEDWomen，

not the best idea.

不是個最好的主意。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Very early in my quest,

在追尋之旅的非常初期，

I also went to see the Brazilian faith healer John of God

我也去見了巴西的 信念治癒者，神的約翰，

at his compound down in Brazil.

地點在巴西，他的院子中。

Now, John of God is considered a full-trance medium,

神的約翰被認為是完全出神的靈媒，

which basically means he can talk to dead people.

基本上，這意味著他能和死人說話。

But in his case, he claims to channel a very specific group

但在他的案例中，他聲稱 他溝通的是一個非常明確的族群：

of dead saints and doctors

死掉的聖人和醫生，

in order to heal whatever's wrong with you.

目的是要治癒你的任何問題。

And although John of God does not have a medical degree

雖然神的約翰沒有醫學學位，

or even a high school diploma,

他甚至沒有高中畢業，

he actually performs surgery --

他會真的進行手術，

the real kind, with a scalpel,

真正的手術，要用解剖刀的，

but no anesthesia.

但不用麻醉。

Yeah, I don't know.

是啊，我不知道。

He also offers invisible surgery, where there is no cutting,

他也提供隱形手術，不會有切口，

and surrogate surgery,

還有代理手術，

where he supposedly can treat somebody who is thousands of miles away

用這種手術，他可以 治療在數千英哩外的人，

by performing a procedure on a loved one.

只要把治療程序用在他愛的人身上。

Now, when you go to visit John of God,

當你去造訪神的約翰時，

there are all kinds of rules and regulations.

有各種規則和規定要遵守。

It's a whole complicated thing,

那是非常複雜的，

but the bottom line is that you can visit John of God

但若能遵守，你最後 就能見到神的約翰，

and present him with three things that you would like fixed,

告訴他三樣你想要修好的事物，

and he will set the dead saints and doctors to work on your behalf

他會讓死掉的聖人和醫生來代表你

to get the job done.

把事情搞定。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, before you snicker,

在你竊笑之前，

consider

先想想，

that, at least according to his website,

至少，根據他的網站，

over eight million people --

超過八百萬人——

including Oprah,

包括歐普拉，

the Goddess of Daytime TV --

白天電視節目的女神——

have gone to see John of God,

都去見過神的約翰，

and I was pre-wired to keep an open mind.

而我預先就採取了開放的心胸。

But to be honest, the whole thing for me was kind of weird and inconclusive,

但，老實說，對我而言， 這整件事挺詭異且沒有說服力，

and in the end, I flew home,

最終，我飛回家，

even more confused than I already started out.

比我一開始時還更困惑。

But that doesn't mean I came home empty-handed.

但那並不表示我兩手空空地回家。

In the weeks leading up to my trip to Brazil,

在我為巴西之旅做準備的那幾週，

I mentioned my upcoming plans to some friends

我向一些朋友提到我後續的計畫，

and to a couple of colleagues at Google,

也對 Google 的幾個同事提到，

where I was a lawyer at the time.

當時我在那裡當律師。

And I might have mentioned it to a couple more people

我可能還有向一些其他人提到，

because I'm chatty,

因為我很愛聊天，

including my neighbor,

包括我的鄰居、

the guy who works at the local coffee shop I go to each morning,

在我每天早上要去的 當地咖啡廳工作的一個人、

the checkout lady at Whole Foods

全食超市結帳台的女員工，

and a stranger who sat next to me on the subway.

以及在地鐵上坐 我旁邊的一個陌生人。

I told each of them where I was going

我告訴這些人，我要去哪裡，

and why,

以及為什麼去，

and I offered to carry three wishes of theirs down to Brazil,

我自願幫他們帶三個願望到巴西，

explaining that anyone going to see John of God

我解釋說，任何人 只要去見神的約翰，

could act as a proxy for others

就能夠當其他人的代理人，

and save them the trip.

幫其他人省下一趟旅行。

And to my surprise, my in-box overflowed.

我很意外，我的收件匣爆滿了。

Friends told friends who told friends,

朋友告訴朋友，朋友再告訴朋友，

and those friends apparently told more friends,

顯然那些朋友又再告訴更多朋友、

other strangers and the guys at their coffee shops,

其他陌生人，及在咖啡廳的其他人，

until it seemed that days before I left for Brazil

當我要前往巴西的前幾天，

that there was no one who did not have my email address.

已經傳到沒人不知道 我的電子郵件地址了。

And at the time, all I could conclude was that I had offered too much

那時，我唯一的結論是， 我自願提供的協助太多，

且提供給太多人。

to too many.

But when I actually reread those messages a few years later,

但，幾年後，我重新讀了那些訊息，

I noticed something completely different.

我注意到了完全不一樣的東西。

Those emails actually shared three commonalities,

那些電子郵件其實有三項共通性，

the first of which was rather curious.

第一項還蠻異常的。

Almost everyone sent me meticulous details about how they could be reached.

幾乎每個人都寄給我太細節的資訊， 說明如何聯絡到他們。

I had told them, or their friends had told them,

我有告訴過他們， 或他們的朋友有告訴過他們，

that along with the list of the three things they wanted fixed,

除了寫一張猜單列出三件 他們想要修補的事情之外，

I needed their photo, their name and their date of birth.

我也需要他們的 照片、姓名，以及生日。

But they gave me full addresses, with, like, apartment numbers and zip codes,

但他們給我完整的地址， 有門牌號碼和郵遞區號，

as if John of God was going to stop by their house

好像神的約翰會 順道造訪他們家

親自會見他們， 或是寄個包裏過去似的。

and see them in person or send along a package.

It was as if, in the highly unlikely event that their wishes were granted

那就好像是，如果他們的 願望被神的約翰給實現，

by John of God,

雖然不太可能，

they just wanted to make sure that they weren't delivered

他們就是想要確保願望不會被送給

to the wrong person or the wrong address.

錯的人或是錯的地址。

Even if they didn't believe,

即使他們並不相信，

they were hedging their bets.

他們也是腳踏兩條船。

The second commonality was just as curious,

第二項共通性也一樣異常，

but far more humbling.

但更會讓人謙卑。

Virtually everyone --

差不多是每個人——

the stranger on the subway,

地鐵上的陌生人、

the guy at the coffee shop,

咖啡廳的人、

the lawyer down the hall,

走道另一頭的律師、

the Jew, the atheist, the Muslim, the devout Catholic --

猶太人、無神論者、 穆斯林、虔誠的天主教徒——

all asked for essentially the same three things.

基本上，都想要同樣的三樣東西。

OK, there were a couple of outliers, and yes, a few people asked for cash.

是有些離群值，而且有人想要現金。

But when I eliminated what were ultimately a handful of anomalies,

但當我把一些最終被歸為 離群值的資料去除之後，

the similarities were staggering.

相似性挺驚人的。

Almost every single person

幾乎每個人

first asked for good health for themselves and their families.

都先祈求自己與家人的健康。

Almost universally,

幾乎所有人

they next asked for happiness

接著就會祈求快樂，

and then love,

然後就是愛。

in that order:

依這個順序：

health, happiness, love.

健康、快樂、愛。

Sometimes they asked for a specific health issue to be fixed,

有時，他們會明確祈求 某個健康議題能被解決，

but more often than not, they just asked for good health in general.

但多數時候他們祈求一般性的健康。

When it came to happiness,

至於快樂，

they each phrased it slightly differently,

他們每個人的表達方式都不太一樣，

but they all asked for the same specific subtype of happiness, too --

但他們也都會明確希望 能得到某種類的快樂——

the kind of happiness that sinks in

能滲入你的靈魂當中，

and sets down roots in your soul;

並且在那兒深深紮根的那種快樂；

the kind of happiness that could sustain us,

即使在我們肯定會失去其他一切，

even if we were to lose absolutely everything else.

仍然會支持著我們的那種快樂。

And for love,

至於愛，

they all asked for the kind of romantic love,

他們都祈求要那種浪漫的愛，

the soul mate that we read about in epic romantic novels,

我們在史詩浪漫小說中 讀到的心靈伴侶，

the kind of love that will stay with us till the end of our days.

在我們生命結束之前都會 一直與我們同在的那種愛。

Sorry, that's my husband.

抱歉，那是我先生。

Crap! Now I forgot my place.

糟糕！我忘了我說到哪裡了。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

So by and large,

所以，總的來說，

all of these friends and strangers,

所有這些朋友和陌生人，

regardless of their background, race or religion,

不論是什麼背景、種族，或宗教，

all asked for the same things,

他們都祈求同樣的東西。

and they were the same things that I really wanted,

我也真的很想要這些東西，

the simplified version of the basic human needs

基本人類需求的簡化版本，

identified by social scientists like Abraham Maslow and Manfred Max-Neef.

由社會科學家，像亞伯拉罕馬斯洛 （Abraham Maslow）

及曼佛雷德麥克斯尼夫 （Manfred Max-Neef）所確認的。

No one asked for answers to the big existential questions

沒有人尋求關於存在之大哉問的解答，

or for proof of God or the meaning of life like I had set out to find.

或神存在的證據，或人生的意義， 就像我最初想要找尋的。

They didn't even ask for an end to war or global hunger.

他們甚至沒有祈求戰爭 或是全球饑荒能終止。

Even when they could have asked for absolutely anything,

即使當他們可以祈求任何事物，

they all asked for health, happiness and love.

他們仍然都祈求健康、快樂和愛。

So now those emails had a third commonality as well.

那些電子郵件還有第三項共通性。

Each of them ended in the exact same way.

它們的結尾都一樣。

Instead of thanking me for carting their wishes all the way to Brazil,

他們不是謝謝我 把他們的願望一路運送到巴西去，

everyone said,

每個人反而都說：

"Please don't tell anyone."

「請不要告訴任何人。」

So I decided to tell everyone --

所以我決定告訴所有人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

right here on this stage,

就在這講台上，

not because I'm untrustworthy,

並不是因為我不值得信任，

but because the fact that we have so much in common

而是因為我們有這麼多相同之處，

feels especially important for us all to hear, especially now,

我們能聽到這些是特別 重要的，特別是現在，

when so many of the world's problems

世界上好多問題

seem to be because we keep focusing on the things that make us different,

起因似乎都是我們不斷聚焦在 讓我們不同的事物，

not on what binds us together.

而不是結合我們的事物。

And look -- I am the first to admit that I am not a statistician,

還有，聽著，我是第一位 承認自己不是統計學家的人，

and that the data I presented to you that I just accumulated in my in-box

而我剛與各位分享的資料， 那些我的收件匣裡累積的資料，

is more anecdotal than scientific, more qualitative than quantitative.

比較偏向軼事，而非科學， 比較偏向質化，而非量化。

It is, as anyone who works with data would tell you,

任何在處理資料的人都會告訴你，

hardly a statistically significant or demographically balanced sample.

這樣本實在沒有統計顯著性， 在人口統計特徵上也不平衡。

But nonetheless, I find myself thinking about those emails

但不論如何，我自己 會想著這些電子郵件，

every time I reflect back on the bias and prejudice

每當我回頭反思我人生中 所面對的偏見與成見時，

that I've faced in my life,

都會去想這些郵件。

or when there's another hate crime or a senseless tragedy

或是當又發生了仇恨犯罪， 或無理的悲劇時，

that underscores the disheartening sense

這些事會讓人很沮喪，

that our differences might be insurmountable.

覺得我們的差異可能 永遠無法被克服。

I then remind myself that I have evidence

接著，我會提醒我自己 我有證據證明

that the humbling, unifying commonality

我們的人性當中

讓人謙卑且一致的共通性是，

of our humanity

is that, even when presented with the opportunity

當有機會可以祈求

任何東西的時候，

to ask for anything at all,

most of us want the same things,

大部分人想要的都一樣，

and that this is true no matter who we are,

這是真的，不論我們是怎樣的人，

不論我們稱神為什麼名字，

what name we call our god,

or which religion, if any, we call home.

不論我們的歸屬是 哪種宗教，如果有的話。

I then also note

接著，我也注意到，

that apparently some of us want these things so badly

很顯然，有些人非常想要這些東西，

that we would email a None,

甚至會寫電子郵件給「無信仰者」，

a spiritually confused None like me --

在靈性上很困惑的無信仰者，就像我——

some might say otherwise confused as well --

有人可能會說， 我在非靈性上也很困惑——

and that we would seek out this stranger and email her our deepest wishes,

我們會找到這個陌生人，

把我們最深的願望用電子郵件寄給她，

just in case there is the remote possibility

只是以防萬一，萬一有一點點可能

that they might be granted by someone who is not a god,

這些願望可能會被某人實現， 這個人不是神，

much less our god,

更不是我們的神，

someone who is not even a member of our chosen religion,

這個人甚至不是我們 所選擇之宗教的成員，

someone who, when you look at him on paper,

當你在書面上看到這個人時，

可能不覺得他會是實現願望的候選人。

seems like an unlikely candidate to deliver.

And so now,

所以，現在，

when I reflect back on my spiritual quest,

當我回頭反思我的靈性追尋之旅，

even though I did not find God,

雖然我沒有找到神，

I found a home in this:

我在這當中找到了家：

even today, in a world fractured by religious,

即使現今，在一個因為宗教、

人種、政治觀、哲學觀 和種族分歧的世界，

ethnic, political, philosophical, and racial divides,

even with all of our obvious differences,

即使我們很明顯有著歧見和差異，

at the end of the day,

到頭來，

and the most fundamental level,

在最根本的層面上，

we are all the same.

我們都是一樣的。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）