Amanda Bennett: We need a heroic narrative for death

Prevodilac: Danica Djuraskovic Lektor: Mile Živković

So I'd like you to come back with me

Hoću da se vratite sa mnom

just for a few minutes

barem na nekoliko minuta

to a dark night in China,

u tamnu kinesku noć

the night I met my husband.

kada sam upoznala svog supruga.

It was a city so long ago that it was still called

Bilo je to u jednom gradu, toliko davno

Peking.

da se grad još uvek zvao Peking.

So I went to a party.

Otišla sam na žurku

I sat down next to a stout, middle-aged man

i sela pored punačkog, srednjovečnog čoveka

with owl glasses and a bow tie,

sa naočarima sa debelim okvirom i leptir mašnom

and he turned out to be a Fulbright scholar,

za koga se ispostavilo da je stipendista Fulbrajtovog programa

there in China specifically to study

koji je došao u Kinu sa namerom da proučava

Sino-Soviet relations.

bilateralne odnose između Kine i Rusije.

What a gift it was to the eager,

Njegovo znanje je došlo kao poručeno

young foreign correspondent that I was then.

meni, tada poletnom mladom stranom dopisniku.

I'd pump him for information,

Ispitivala sam ga i upijala informacije,

I'm mentally scribbling notes

pravila mentalne zabeleške

for the stories I plan to write.

za priče koje sam htela da napišem.

I talk to him for hours.

Pričali bismo satima.

Only months later,

Tek posle nekoliko meseci

I discover who he really was.

sam otkrila ko je on u stvari.

He was the China representative

Bio je predstavnik

for the American Soybean Association.

Američke asocijacije za soju u Kini.

"I don't understand. Soybeans?

‚‚Soja? Ne razumem.

You told me you were a Fulbright scholar."

A meni si rekao da si Fulbrajtov stipendista."

"Well, how long would you have talked to me

‚‚Da li bi uopšte pričala sa mnom da sam ti rekao

if I told you we're in soybeans?"

da radim sa sojom?"

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I said, "You jerk."

Nazvala sam ga kretenom.

Only jerk wasn't the word I used.

Samo što to nije baš prava reč koju sam upotrebila.

I said, "You could've gotten me fired."

Rekla sam: ‚‚Mogla sam da dobijem otkaz zbog tebe!"

And he said, "Let's get married."

A on me je zaprosio.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

"Travel the world and have lots of kids."

‚‚Putovaćemo svetom i imati puno dece."

So we did.

Tako je i bilo.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

And what an alive man Terence Bryan Foley

Terens Brajan Foli se pokazao

turned out to be.

kao čovek pun duha.

He was a Chinese scholar

Bio je kineski akademik

who later, in his 60s,

koji je kasnije, u svojim šezdesetim

got a Ph.D. in Chinese history.

doktorirao kinesku istoriju.

He spoke six languages,

Govorio je šest jezika,

he played 15 musical instruments,

svirao petnaest instrumenata,

he was a licensed pilot,

imao pilotsku dozvolu,

he had once been a San Francisco cable car operator,

neko vreme je radio kao vozač tramvaja u San Francisku,

he was an expert in swine nutrition,

bio je stručnjak u polju ishrane svinja,

dairy cattle, Dixieland jazz, film noir,

krava muzara, Diksilend džeza, film noara

and we did travel the country, and the world,

i jesmo proputovali našom zemljom, pa i planetom.

and we did have a lot of kids.

I imali smo mnogo dece.

We followed my job, and it seemed like

Pratili smo moju karijeru i činilo se

there was nothing that we couldn't do.

kao da ne poštoji ništa što ne možemo da postignemo.

So when we found the cancer,

Kada smo saznali da ima rak

it doesn't seem strange to us at all

nije nam se uopšte činilo čudnim što smo

that without saying a word to each other,

bez ijedne izgovorene reči

we believed that,

oboje verovali da ukoliko

if we were smart enough

budemo dovoljno pametni

and strong enough and brave enough,

jaki, hrabri

and we worked hard enough,

i ukoliko se dovoljno potrudimo

we could keep him from dying ever.

mogli bismo da ga spasimo od smrti - zauvek.

And for years, it seemed like we were succeeding.

Godinama nam se činilo kao da imamo uspeha.

The surgeon emerged from the surgery.

Hirurg se pojavio iz operacione sale.

What'd he say? He said what surgeons always say:

I šta je rekao? Ono što uvek i govore:

"We got it all."

‚‚Uspeli smo da izvadimo ceo tumor".

Then there was a setback when the pathologists

Pojavila se prepreka na putu kada

looked at the kidney cancer closely.

su patolozi pregledali njegov rak bubrega.

It turned out to be a rare,

Ispostavilo se da je imao redak,

exceedingly aggressive type,

izuzetno agresivni tip raka

with a diagnosis that was almost universally fatal

sa skoro stoprocentno fatalnom dijagnozom

in several weeks at most.

u roku od nekoliko nedelja u najboljem slučaju.

And yet, he did not die.

Ipak, nije umro.

Mysteriously, he lived on.

Iznenađujuće, ali preživeo je.

He coached Little League for our son.

Bio je trener u timu male lige našeg sina,

He built a playhouse for our daughter.

napravio kućicu za lutke našoj ćerki.

And meanwhile, I'm burying myself in the Internet

U međuvremenu, ja sam provodila vreme na internetu

looking for specialists.

u potrazi za specijalistima.

I'm looking for a cure.

Tražila sam lek.

So a year goes by

Tako je prošla cela godina,

before the cancer, as cancers do,

a onda se rak, kao što obično i biva,

reappears,

vratio

and with it comes another death sentence,

i sa njim i još jedna smrtna presuda.

this time nine months.

Ovog puta je glasila devet meseci života.

So we try another treatment, aggressive, nasty.

Pokušali smo sa novom, agresivnom i groznom terapijom

It makes him so sick, he has to quit it,

koja ga je toliko namučila da smo prestali sa lečenjem.

yet still he lives on.

Ponovo je preživeo.

Then another year goes by.

Prošla je još jedna godina.

Two years go by.

Još dve.

More specialists.

Još specijalista.

We take the kids to Italy.

Odveli smo decu u Italiju.

We take the kids to Australia.

Odveli smo ih i u Australiju.

And then more years pass,

Prođe još nekoliko godina

and the cancer begins to grow.

i tumor je počeo da raste.

This time, there's new treatments on the horizon.

Ovog puta su nam na raspolaganju novi načini lečenja.

They're exotic. They're experimental.

Egzotičniji, eksperimentalni,

They're going to attack the cancer in new ways.

koji će napasti tumor na neki novi način.

So he enters a clinical trial, and it works.

Ubačen je u uspešan program kliničkog ispitivanja lekova.

The cancer begins to shrink,

Tumor je počeo da se smanjuje

and for the third time,

i po treći put

we've dodged death.

smo uspeli da izbegnemo smrt.

So now I ask you,

Sada ja vas pitam

how do I feel

šta mislite kako sam se osećala

when the time finally comes

kada je konačno došlo vreme

and there's another dark night,

i pred nama je još jedna tamna noć

sometime between midnight and 2 a.m.?

negde između ponoći i dva ujutru?

This time it's on the intensive care ward

Ovaj put se nalazimo na odeljenju intenzivne nege

when a twentysomething resident

i stažista od dvadeset i kusur godina

that I've never met before

koga nikad u životu nisam videla

tells me that Terence is dying,

me obaveštava da će Terens

perhaps tonight.

najverovatnije večeras umreti.

So what do I say when he says,

Šta mislite šta sam uradila kada me je pitao

"What do you want me to do?"

šta želim da urade?

There's another drug out there.

Rekla sam da ima još lekova.

It's newer. It's more powerful.

Novih, jačih.

He started it just two weeks ago.

Leči se tek dve nedelje.

Perhaps there's still hope ahead.

Možda još uvek ima nade.

So what do I say?

Šta sam rekla?

I say, "Keep him alive if you can."

Rekla sam da ga drže u životu ako mogu.

And Terence died six days later.

Terens je preminuo posle šest dana.

So we fought, we struggled, we triumphed.

Borili smo se, opirali, pobeđivali.

It was an exhilarating fight,

Bila je to uzbudljiva borba

and I'd repeat the fight today

i sve bih ponovo isto uradila

without a moment's hesitation.

bez imalo premišljanja.

We fought together, we lived together.

Živeli smo i borili se zajedno.

It turned what could have been

Ono što je moglo da bude

seven of the grimmest years of our life

sedam najstrašnijih godina našeg života,

into seven of the most glorious.

postalo je sedam najveličanstvenijih.

It was also an expensive fight.

To je bila skupa borba.

It was the kind of fight and the kind of choices

Takva vrsta borbe i takve odluke,

that everyone here agrees

složićete se,

pump up the cost of end-of-life care,

cede budžet namenjen brizi umirućih pacijenata

and of healthcare for all of us.

i zdravstvenog osiguranja svih nas.

And for me, for us,

Ja, odnosno nas dvoje

we pushed the fight right over the edge,

smo se borili koliko smo mogli,

and I never got the chance to say to him

tako da nisam imala prilike da mu kažem

what I say to him now almost every day:

ono što mu sada često govorim:

"Hey, buddy, it was a hell of a ride."

‚‚Hej, druže, bilo nam je lepo dok je trajalo."

We never got the chance to say goodbye.

Nismo imali prilike da se oprostimo

We never thought it was the end.

zato što nismo mislili da mu se bliži kraj.

We always had hope.

Nadali smo se.

So what do we make of all of this?

Šta možemo da izvučemo iz mog iskustva?

Being a journalist, after Terence died,

Pošto sam novinar, nakon Terensove smrti

I wrote a book, "The Cost Of Hope."

napisala sam knjigu ‚‚Cena nade".

I wrote it because I wanted to know

Napisala sam je zato što sam htela da znam

why I did what I did,

zašto sam radila to što sam radila,

why he did what he did,

zašto je on radio to što je radio

why everyone around us did what they did.

i zašto su ljudi oko nas radili to što su radili.

And what did I discover?

Šta sam otkrila?

Well, one of the things I discovered is that

Za početak sam došla do zaključka

experts think that one answer to

da stručnjaci misle da se jedan način da se odreaguje

what I did at the end was a piece of paper,

u toj situaciji nalazi na parčetu papira,

the advance directive,

neke vrste biološkog testamenta koji bi pomogao

to help families get past the seemingly irrational choices.

porodicama da se izbore sa naizgled iracionalnim izborima.

Yet I had that piece of paper.

Imala sam taj papir kod sebe.

We both did.

Oboje smo ga imali.

And they were readily available.

Bio nam je lako dostupan.

I had them right at hand.

Uvek pri ruci.

Both of them said the same thing:

Na oba papira je pisalo jedno te isto:

Do nothing if there is no further hope.

ništa ne činiti ukoliko nema nade za izlečenje.

I knew Terence's wishes

Znala sam Terensove želje

as clearly and as surely as I knew my own.

jasno i sigurno kao što sam znala i sopstvene.

Yet we never got to no further hope.

Nije došlo do toga da prestanemo da se nadamo.

Even with that clear-cut paper in our hands,

Čak i sa tim parčetom papira u rukama

we just kept redefining hope.

mi nismo gubili nadu.

I believed I could keep him from dying,

Bila sam uverena da mogu da ga spasim od smrti

and I'd be embarrassed to say that if I hadn't seen

i bilo bi me sramota da to izgovorim da nisam

so many people and have talked to so many people

pričala i upoznala gomilu ljudi

who have felt exactly the same way.

koji su se isto tako osećali.

Right up until days before his death,

Do samog kraja, poslednjih dana njegovog života

I felt strongly

imala sam snažno

and powerfully, and, you might say, irrationally,

i neko bi rekao iracionalno uverenje

that I could keep him from dying ever.

da ga mogu spasiti od smrti - zauvek.

Now, what do the experts call this?

Kako stručnjaci nazivaju ovo osećanje?

They say it's denial.

Kažu da je to poricanje.

It's a strong word, isn't it?

Prilično snažna reč, zar ne?

Yet I will tell you that denial

Reći ću vam da poricanje istine

isn't even close to a strong enough word

nije ni približno odgovarajuća reč

to describe what those of us

koja bi objasnila ono kroz šta

facing the death of our loved ones go through.

ljudi suočeni sa smrću voljene osobe prolaze.

And I hear the medical professionals say,

Mogu da čujem medicinske radnike koji govore

"Well, we'd like to do such-and-such,

da bi voleli da postupe na određeni način

but the family's in denial.

ali porodice bolesnika poriču istinu.

The family won't listen to reason.

Kažu da članovi porodice ne slušaju glas razuma

They're in denial.

i odbijaju da prihvate istinu.

How can they insist on this treatment at the end?

Pitaju se zašto i dalje insistiramo na lečenju.

It's so clear, yet they're in denial."

Sve je jasno, a mi i dalje odbijajamo da vidimo istinu.

Now, I think this maybe isn't

Smatram da to nije

a very useful way of thinking.

baš najkorisniji način razmišljanja.

It's not just families either.

To se ne odnosi samo na porodice pacijenata.

The medical professionals too,

I medicinsko osoblje

you out there, you're in denial too.

da, baš vi, i vi poričete istinu.

You want to help. You want to fix.

Želite da pomognete, da popravite stvar.

You want to do.

Hoćete da uradite nešto.

You've succeeded in everything you've done,

Dovršili ste sve što ste pokušali

and having a patient die,

i kada vam pacijenti svejedno umiru

well, that must feel like failure.

mora da se osećate kao gubitnici.

I saw it firsthand.

Znam iz ličnog iskustva.

Just days before Terence died,

Nekoliko dana pre Terensove smrti,

his oncologist said,

onkolog mi je rekao:

"Tell Terence that better days are just ahead."

da prenesem Terensu da ga čekaju bolji dani.

Days before he died.

To je bilo nekoliko dana pre nego što je umro.

Yet Ira Byock,

Ipak, Ajra Bajok,

the director of palliative medicine at Dartmouth

direktor palijativne medicine na Dartmutu,

said, "You know, the best doctor in the world

mi je rekao da ni najbolji lekar na svetu

has never succeeded in making anyone immortal."

nije nijednog čoveka učinio besmrtnim.

So what the experts call "denial," I call "hope,"

Ono što stručnjaci smatraju poricanjem, za mene je nada.

and I'd like to borrow a phrase

Volela bih da sada pozajmim termin

from my friends in software design.

koji koriste softverski inženjeri.

You just redefine denial and hope,

Ako promenimo značenja reči ‚‚poricanje" i ‚‚nada",

and it becomes a feature of being human.

one postaju samo jedne od karakteristika čoveka.

It's not a bug.

Nada nije greška u kompjuterskom programu.

It's a feature.

Ona je samo jedna od njegovih karakteristika.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

So we need to think more constructively

Moramo da podrobnije razmislimo

about this very common, very profound

o ovoj čestoj, veoma dubokoj

and very powerful human emotion.

i jakoj ljudskoj emociji.

It's part of the human condition,

Ona je deo ljudskog postojanja

and yet our system and our thinking

a ipak naš sistem i način razmišljanja

isn't built to accommodate it.

ne može da se nosi sa njom.

So Terence told me a story on that long-ago night,

Terens mi je ispričao priču te davne noći

and I believed it.

u koju sam ja poverovala.

Maybe I wanted to believe it.

Možda sam htela da poverujem u nju.

And during Terence's illness, I, we,

Tokom Terensove bolesti smo,

we wanted to believe the story

hteli smo da verujemo u priču

of our fight together too.

o zajedničkoj borbi.

Giving up the fight -- for that's how it felt,

Ako odustanemo, takav je bio osećaj,

it felt like giving up --

činilo nam se da odustajemo

meant giving up not only his life

ne samo od njegovog života

but also our story,

već i od naše priče -

our story of us as fighters,

priče o nama kao borcima,

the story of us as invincible,

priče o nepobedivim nama.

and for the doctors, the story of themselves

Za doktore je to značilo da odustanu od priče

as healers.

o njima kao isceliteljima.

So what do we need?

Šta je ono što nam treba?

Maybe we don't need a new piece of paper.

Možda nam ne treba novo parče papira.

Maybe we need a new story,

Možda nam treba nova priča

not a story about giving up the fight

koja nije priča o odustajanju,

or of hopelessness,

o beznađu,

but rather a story of victory and triumph,

več priča o pobedi i trijumfu,

of a valiant battle and, eventually,

o viteškoj borbi i naposletku,

a graceful retreat,

dostojanstvenom povlačenju.

a story that acknowledges

To bi bila priča u kojoj se priznaje

that not even the greatest general defeats every foe,

da čak ni najbolji general ne može da pobedi svakog neprijatelja

that no doctor has ever succeeded

kao što ni najbolji doktor nije uspeo

in making anyone immortal,

da ikoga učini besmrtnim

and that no wife, no matter how hard she tried,

i da nijedna žena, ma kako se trudila,

has ever stopped even the bravest,

nije spasila čak ni najhrabrijeg,

wittiest and most maddeningly lovable husband

najdovitljivijeg čoveka koga je nemoguće ne voleti,

from dying when it was his time to go.

od smrti kada mu je bilo vreme.

People did mention hospice,

Ljudi su savetovali da ga pošaljem

but I wouldn't listen.

u dom za palijativnu negu, ali sam ja odbijala.

Hospice was for people who were dying,

To mesto je za ljude na samrti,

and Terence wasn't dying.

a Terens nije umirao.

As a result, he spent just four days in hospice,

Na kraju je proveo samo četiri dana u domu

which I'm sure, as you all know,

što je, kao što već znate

is a pretty typical outcome,

i bilo za očekivati,

and we never said goodbye

a mi nismo stigli da se oprostimo

because we were unprepared for the end.

zato što nismo bili spremni za kraj.

We have a noble path to curing the disease,

Imamo plemeniti cilj izlečenja bolesti,

patients and doctors alike,

kako pacijenti, tako i lekari,

but there doesn't seem to be

ali, čini se da ne postoji

a noble path to dying.

dostojanstveni način da se umre.

Dying is seen as failing,

Smrt izjednačujemo sa gubitništvom.

and we had a heroic narrative

Imali smo mit

for fighting together,

o herojskoj borbi,

but we didn't have a heroic narrative for letting go.

ali ne i o herojskim suočavanjem sa smrću.

So maybe we need a narrative

Možda nam je neophodna priča

for acknowledging the end, and for saying goodbye,

koja bi nam pomogla da prihvatimo kraj i oprostimo se.

and maybe our new story will be

Možda će tada naša priča biti priča

about a hero's fight, and a hero's goodbye.

o borbi i opraštanju koji su dostojni heroja.

Terence loved poetry,

Terens je voleo poeziju

and the Greek poet Constantine Cavafy

a grčki pesnik Konstantin Kavafi

is one of my favorite poets.

je jedan od mojih omiljenih pesnika.

So I'll give you a couple lines from him.

Evo nekoliko njegovih stihova.

This is a poem about Mark Antony.

Ova pesma je o Marku Antoniju

You know Mark Antony, the conquering hero,

Znate Marka Antonija, heroja i osvajača?

Cleopatra's guy?

Kleopatrinog tipa?

Actually, one of Cleopatra's guys.

To jest, jednog od njenih tipova.

And he's been a pretty good general.

A bio je i solidan general.

He's won all the fights,

Osvojio je sve bitke u kojima je učestvovao,

he's eluded all the people that are out to get him,

utekao svima koji su ga jurili

and yet this time, finally,

i naposletku je

he's come to the city of Alexandria

stigao u Aleksandriju

and realized he's lost.

i shvatio da je izgubio bitku.

The people are leaving. They're playing instruments.

Ljudi odlaze, sviraju instrumente,

They're singing.

pevaju,

And suddenly he knows he's been defeated.

a on shvata da je poražen.

And he suddenly knows

Konačno shvata

he's been deserted by the gods,

da bogovi više nisu na njegovoj strani

and it's time to let go.

i da je vreme da prestane da se bori.

And the poet tells him what to do.

Pesnik mu govori šta mu je činiti.

He tells him how to say a noble goodbye,

Govori mu da se dostojanstveno oprosti,

a goodbye that's fit for a hero.

onako kako priliči jednom heroju.

"As if long-prepared,

‚‚Kao da si spreman godinama,

as if courageous,

kao junak,

as it becomes you

kao što priliči tebi

who were worthy of such a city,

što si bio zaslužan takvog jednog grada,

approach the window with a firm step,

priđi prozoru sigurna koraka

and with emotion,

i slušaj sa uzbuđenjem

but not with the entreaties

ali ne proklinjući

or the complaints of a coward,

ili tužeći poput kukavice,

as a last enjoyment,

kao poslednje svoje zadovoljstvo

listen to the sounds,

slušaj zvuke

the exquisite instruments of the musical troops,

i sjajne instrumente muzičara

and bid her farewell,

i pozdravi je,

the Alexandria you are losing."

Aleksandriju koju si izgubio."

That's a goodbye for a man who was larger than life,

To je poslednji pozdrav čoveka koji je bio veći od samog života,

a goodbye for a man

poslednji pozdrav čoveka

for whom anything,

kome se ništa,

well, almost anything,

pa, skoro ništa

was possible,

nije činilo nemogućim,

a goodbye for a man who kept hope alive.

čoveka koji nije gubio nadu.

And isn't that what we're missing?

Zar nije to ono što nam nedostaje?

How can we learn that people's decisions

Kako to da ljudi donose odluke

about their loved ones

o njima dragim osobama

are often based strongly, powerfully,

često na osnovu snažnih,

many times irrationally,

iracionalnih osećanja,

on the slimmest of hopes?

baziranih na najtanjoj mogućoj nadi?

The overwhelming presence of hope

Nada je nadmoćna

isn't denial.

i nije isto što i poricanje.

It's part of our DNA as humans,

Ona je deo naše DNK

and maybe it's time our healthcare system --

i možda je krajnje vreme da naš zdravstveni sistem -

doctors, patients, insurance companies, us,

lekari, pacijenti, osiguranje, mi sami

started accounting for the power of that hope.

shvatimo snagu nade.

Hope isn't a bug.

Nada nije greška u programu.

It's a feature.

Ona je karakteristika programa.

Thank you.

Hvala na pažnji.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)