Colin Grant: The son of a difficult father

Prevodilac: Ivana Krivokuća Lektor: Mile Živković

This is a photograph

Ovo je fotografija

of a man whom for many years

čoveka koga sam godinama

I plotted to kill.

planirao da ubijem.

This is my father,

Ovo je moj otac,

Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.

Klinton Džordž "Podočnjak" Grant.

He's called Bageye because he has

Nazvan je Podočnjak zato što ima

permanent bags under his eyes.

trajne podočnjake.

As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,

Kao desetogodišnjak, zajedno sa svojom braćom i sestrama,

I dreamt of scraping off the poison

sanjao sam da stružem otrov

from fly-killer paper into his coffee,

sa papira za ubijanje muva u njegovu kafu,

grounded down glass and sprinkling it

mrvim čašu i posipam je

over his breakfast,

po njegovom doručku,

loosening the carpet on the stairs

podešavam tepih na stepenicama

so he would trip and break his neck.

tako da bi se on okliznuo i polomio vrat.

But come the day, he would always

Ali kada bi došao taj dan,

on bi uvek preskočio taj klimavi korak,

skip that loose step,

he would always bow out of the house

on bi se uvek povukao iz kuće

without so much as a swig of coffee

bez čak i gutljaja kafe

or a bite to eat.

ili zalogaja jela.

And so for many years,

I tako mnogo godina,

I feared that my father would die

bojao sam se da će moj otac umreti

before I had a chance to kill him.

pre nego što dobijem šansu da ga ubijem.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

Up until our mother asked him to leave

Sve dok ga naša majka nije zamolila da ode

and not come back,

i ne vraća se,

Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.

Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuće čudovište.

He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,

Stalno je bio na granici besa,

rather like me, as you see.

baš kao ja, kao što vidite.

He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton

Radio je noću u Voksal motorima u Lutonu

and demanded total silence throughout the house,

i zahtevao je potpunu tišinu u celoj kući,

so that when we came home from school

tako da kada bismo se vratili kući iz škole

at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle

u 3:30 popodne, zbili bismo se

beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,

pokraj TV-a, i poput obijača sefova,

we would twiddle with the volume control knob

vrteli bismo dugme za jačinu tona

on the TV so it was almost inaudible.

na TV-u tako da bude skoro nečujan.

And at times, when we were like this,

I ponekad, kad smo bili takvi,

so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"

toliko se puta "Pssst"

going on in the house

čulo po kući

that I imagined us to be like

da sam zamišljao da smo kao

the German crew of a U-boat

nemačka posada u podmornici

creeping along the edge of the ocean

koja se šunja duž ivice okeana

whilst up above, on the surface,

dok gore, na površini,

HMS Bageye patrolled

patrolira brod HMS Podočnjak

ready to drop death charges

spreman da donese smrtnu presudu

at the first sound of any disturbance.

na prvi zvuk bilo kakvog uznemiravanja.

So that lesson was the lesson that

Ta lekcija je bila lekcija da

"Do not draw attention to yourself

"Ne privlači pažnju na sebe

either in the home or outside of the home."

kako u kući tako i van kuće."

Maybe it's a migrant lesson.

Možda je to lekcija migranata.

Trebalo je da budemo ispod radara,

We were to be below the radar,

pa nije bilo nikakve komunikacije, zapravo,

so there was no communication, really,

between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,

između Podočnjaka i nas i nas i Podočnjaka,

and the sound that we most looked forward to,

i zvuk kome smo se najviše radovali,

you know when you're a child and you want

znate kada ste dete i želite

your father to come home and it's all going to be happy

da vaš otac dođe kući i bićete srećni

and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.

i čekate zvuk vrata koja se otvaraju.

Well the sound that we looked forward to

Pa, zvuk kome smo se mi radovali

was the click of the door closing,

je klik vrata koja se zatvaraju,

which meant he'd gone and would not come back.

što je značilo da je on otišao i da se neće vraćati.

So for three decades,

Tako tri decenije,

I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.

nikada nisam pogledao svog oca, niti on mene.

We never spoke to each other for three decades,

Nijednom nismo govorili jedan sa drugim tri decenije

and then a couple of years ago, I decided

i zatim pre par godina, odlučio sam

to turn the spotlight on him.

da obratim pažnju na njega.

"You are being watched.

"Pod prismotrom ste.

Actually, you are.

Zaista, jeste.

You are being watched."

Pod prismotrom ste."

That was his mantra to us, his children.

To je bila njegova mantra nama, njegovoj deci.

Time and time again he would say this to us.

Iznova i iznova bi nam to rekao.

And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,

Bile su to 1970-e godine, bio je to Luton,

where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,

gde je radio u Voksal motorima,

and he was a Jamaican.

i bio je Jamajčanin.

And what he meant was,

Ono što je mislio bilo je:

you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant

ti kao dete jamajkanskog imigranta

are being watched

si pod prismotrom da bi se videlo kako ćeš ispasti,

to see which way you turn, to see whether

da li ćeš se konformirati svom stereotipu u zemlji domaćinu,

you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,

of being feckless, work-shy,

nesposobnog, lenjog,

destined for a life of crime.

osuđenog na život kriminalca.

You are being watched,

Pod prismotrom ste,

so confound their expectations of you.

tako da treba da zbunite njihova očekivanja od vas.

To that end, Bageye and his friends,

Iz tog razloga, Podočnjak i njegovi prijatelji,

mostly Jamaican,

većinom Jamajčani,

exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:

prikazivali su neku vrstu jamajčanske bella figure:

Turn your best side to the world,

okreni svoju najbolju stranu svetu,

show your best face to the world.

pokaži svoje najbolje lice svetu.

If you have seen some of the images

Ako ste videli neke od slika

of the Caribbean people arriving

ljudi sa Kariba koji pristižu

in the '40s and '50s,

'40-ih i '50-ih godina,

you might have noticed that a lot of the men

možda ste primetili da dosta muškaraca nosi trilbi šešire.

wear trilbies.

Now, there was no tradition of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.

Nije postojala tradicija nošenja trilbija na Jamajci.

They invented that tradition for their arrival here.

Izmislili su tu tradiciju za svoj dolazak ovde.

They wanted to project themselves in a way

Želeli su da osmisle sebe

that they wanted to be perceived,

kako su uvek želeli da budu opaženi,

so that the way they looked

pa su ih način na koji su izgledali

and the names that they gave themselves

i imena koja su davali sebi definisali.

defined them.

So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.

Tako je Podočnjak ćelav i ima podočnjake.

Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.

Uredno Stopalo je veoma nervozan po pitanju svoje obuće.

Anxious is always anxious.

Zabrinuti je uvek uznemiren.

Clock has one arm longer than the other.

Sat ima jednu ruku dužu od druge.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

And my all-time favorite was the guy they called Summerwear.

I moj omiljeni lik svih vremena je bio tip koga su zvali Letnje Odelo.

When Summerwear came to this country

Kada je Letnje Odelo došao u ovu zemlju

from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted

iz Jamajke ranih '60-ih, insistirao je

on wearing light summer suits,

na nošenju laganih letnjih odela,

no matter the weather,

bez obzira na vreme,

and in the course of researching their lives,

i istražujući njihove živote,

I asked my mom, "Whatever became of Summerwear?"

pitao sam mamu: "Šta se desilo sa Letnjim Odelom?"

And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)

A ona je rekla: "Prehladio se i umro." (Smeh)

But men like Summerwear

Ali ljudi kao što je Letnje Odelo

taught us the importance of style.

su nas naučili važnosti stila.

Maybe they exaggerated their style

Možda su prenaglasili svoj stil

because they thought that they were not considered

jer su mislili da ih ne smatraju civilizovanim,

to be quite civilized,

and they transferred that generational attitude

i preneli su taj generacijski stav

or anxiety onto us, the next generation,

zabrinutosti na nas, sledeću generaciju,

so much so that when I was growing up,

toliko da, dok sam odrastao,

ako bi ikada na televizijskim vestima ili na radiju

if ever on the television news or radio

a report came up about a black person

reporter razotkrio crnu osobu

committing some crime —

koja je počinila neki zločin -

a mugging, a murder, a burglary —

pljačku, ubistvo, provalu -

we winced along with our parents,

mi bismo se trgli zajedno sa našim roditeljima,

because they were letting the side down.

jer bi izneverili svoju stranu.

You did not just represent yourself.

Jednostavno nisi zastupao sebe.

You represented the group,

Zastupao si grupu,

and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,

i bila je zastrašujuća stvar pomiriti se sa,

in a way, that maybe you were going

na neki način, time da ćete možda

to be perceived in the same light.

biti posmatrani u istom svetlu.

So that was what needed to be challenged.

To je trebalo da bude opovrgnuto.

Our father and many of his colleagues

Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege

exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.

su ispoljavali neku vrstu prenosa ali ne i prijema.

They were built to transmit but not receive.

Stvoreni su da prenesu ali ne i da primaju.

We were to keep quiet.

Na nama je bilo da budemo tihi.

When our father did speak to us,

Kada bi nam se otac obratio,

it was from the pulpit of his mind.

to je bilo sa propovedaonice njegovog uma.

They clung to certainty in the belief

Držali su se sigurnosti verovanja

that doubt would undermine them.

da će im sumnja naškoditi.

But when I am working in my house

Ali kada radim kod kuće i pišem,

and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs

nakon dana provedenog u pisanju, pojurim niz stepenice

and I'm very excited to talk about Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley

i veoma sam uzbuđen da govorim o Markusu Garviju ili Bobu Marliju

and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies

i reči izleću iz mojih usta kao leptiri

and I'm so excited that my children stop me,

i toliko sam uzbuđen da me moja deca zaustave,

and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."

i kažu: "Tata, tata, nikoga nije briga."

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But they do care, actually.

Ali briga ih je, u stvari.

They cross over.

Približe se oni.

Somehow they find their way to you.

Nekako nađu svoj put do vas.

They shape their lives according to the narrative of your life,

Oblikuju svoje živote prema narativu vašeg života,

as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,

kao što sam i ja sa mojim ocem i majkom, možda,

and maybe Bageye did with his father.

i možda je Podočnjak sa svojim ocem.

And that was clearer to me

To mi je postajalo jasnije

in the course of looking at his life

tokom posmatranja njegovog života

and understanding, as they say,

i razumevanja, kako kažu, Indijanci kažu,

the Native Americans say,

"Nemoj kritikovati čoveka dok ne budeš mogao da hodaš

"Do not criticize the man until you can walk

in his moccasins."

u njegovim mokasinama."

But in conjuring his life, it was okay

Ali pri dočaravanju njegovog života,

and very straightforward to portray

bilo je u redu i veoma iskreno prikazati

a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s

karipski život u Engleskoj 1970-ih godina

with bowls of plastic fruit,

sa činijama plastičnog voća,

polystyrene ceiling tiles,

plafonskim pločama od stiropora,

settees permanently sheathed

sofama trajno obloženim

in their transparent covers that they were delivered in.

providnim navlakama u kojima su dostavljene.

But what's more difficult to navigate

Ali bilo je teže kretati se

is the emotional landscape

emocionalnim pejzažom

between the generations,

između generacija.

and the old adage that with age comes wisdom

A stara izreka da sa godinama dolazi mudrost

is not true.

nije istinita.

With age comes the veneer of respectability

Sa godinama dolazi privid poštovanosti

and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.

i privid neprijatnih istina.

But what was true was that my parents,

Ali ono što je bila istina jeste da su moji roditelji,

my mother, and my father went along with it,

moja majka, i moj otac, to prihvatali,

did not trust the state to educate me.

nisu imali poverenja da će me država obrazovati.

So listen to how I sound.

Slušajte kako zvučim.

They determined that they would send me to a private school,

Odlučili su da će me poslati u privatnu školu,

but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.

ali moj otac je radio u Voksal motorima.

It's quite difficult to fund a private school education

Prilično je teško finansirati obrazovanje u privatnoj školi

and feed his army of children.

i nahraniti svoju vojsku dece.

I remember going on to the school

Sećam se da sam išao u školu

for the entrance exam, and my father said

na prijemni ispit, i moj otac je rekao

to the priest — it was a Catholic school —

svešteniku - to je bila katolička škola -

he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,

želeo je bolju "hedukaciju" za dečaka,

but also, he, my father,

ali takođe, on, moj otac,

never even managed to pass worms,

nikada nije uspeo da prođe kroz zeleno,

never mind entrance exams.

a kamoli na prijemnom ispitu.

But in order to fund my education,

Ali kako bi finansirao moje obrazovanje,

he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,

morao je da obavlja neke sumnjive stvari,

so my father would fund my education

tako da je moj otac finansirao moje školovanje

by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,

trgujući nelegalnom robom iz gepeka svog auta,

and that was made even more tricky because

a to je bilo još nezgodnije jer

my father, that's not his car by the way.

moj otac, to nije njegov auto, uzgred,

My father aspired to have a car like that,

moj otac je žudeo da ima takav auto,

but my father had a beaten-up Mini,

ali je imao razbijeni Mini,

and he never, being a Jamaican coming to this country,

i nikada nije, pošto je Jamajčanin koji je došao u ovu zemlju,

he never had a driving license,

nikada nije imao vozačku dozvolu,

he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.

nikada nije imao nikakvo osiguranje niti putarinu niti obavljen tehnički pregled.

He thought, "I know how to drive;

Razmišljao je: "Znam da vozim,

why do I need the state's validation?"

šta će mi potvrda od države?"

Ali postajalo je malo nezgodno kada bi nas zaustavila policija,

But it became a little tricky when we were stopped by the police,

and we were stopped a lot by the police,

a dosta nas je zaustavljala policija,

and I was impressed by the way

i bio sam impresioniran načinom

that my father dealt with the police.

na koji je moj otac izlazio na kraj sa policijom.

He would promote the policeman immediately,

Odmah bi unapredio policajca,

so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs

pa bi tako policajac Blogs postao detektiv inspektor Blogs

in the course of the conversation

za vreme razgovora i veselo bismo se pozdravili.

and wave us on merrily.

So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica

Moj otac je demonstrirao ono što mi

called "playing fool to catch wise."

na Jamajci zovemo "praviti se budalom da bi prevario pametnog".

But it lent also an idea

Ali me je takođe navelo da pomislim

that actually he was being diminished

da su ga policajci ponižavali

or belittled by the policeman —

ili omalovažavali - kao dečak od 10 godina, video sam to -

as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —

ali takođe je tu bila prisutna ambivalencija prema autoritetu.

but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.

So on the one hand, there was

Tako da je sa jedne strane, tu bilo ismevanja autoriteta,

a mocking of authority,

but on the other hand, there was a deference

ali sa druge strane, tu je bilo pokoravanje autoritetu,

towards authority,

and these Caribbean people

i ti ljudi sa Kariba

had an overbearing obedience towards authority,

su posedovali nepodnošljivu pokornost autoritetu,

which is very striking, very strange in a way,

što je veoma iznenađujuće, vrlo čudno na neki način,

because migrants are very courageous people.

jer su migranti vrlo hrabri ljudi.

They leave their homes. My father and my mother

Ostavljaju svoje domove. Moj otac i moja majka

left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,

su napustili Jamajku i putovali 6500 km

and yet they were infantilized by travel.

a ipak su podetinjili usled putovanja.

They were timid,

Bili su plašljivi,

and somewhere along the line,

i negde usput,

the natural order was reversed.

prirodni poredak se preokrenuo.

The children became the parents to the parent.

Deca su postala roditelji roditelju.

The Caribbean people came to this country with a five-year plan:

Karipski narod je došao u ovu zemlju sa planom za pet godina:

they would work, some money, and then go back,

radili bi, stekli nešto novca i zatim se vratili,

but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,

ali je pet godina postalo 10, 10 je postalo 15,

and before you know it, you're changing the wallpaper,

i dok trepneš, menjaš tapete,

and at that point, you know you're here to stay.

i u tom trenutku znaš da ostaješ.

Although there's still the kind of temporariness

Iako je još uvek bila prisutna nekakva privremenost

that our parents felt about being here,

koju su naši roditelji osećali u vezi s boravkom ovde,

but we children knew that the game was up.

mi deca smo znali da je igra gotova.

I think there was a feeling that

Mislim da je postojao osećaj da

they would not be able to continue with the ideals

neće moći da nastave sa idealima

of the life that they expected.

života kakvog su očekivali.

The reality was very much different.

Stvarnost je bila mnogo drugačija.

And also, that was true of the reality

I takođe, to je bila stvarnost

of trying to educate me.

pokušavanja da me obrazuju.

Having started the process, my father did not continue.

Započevši proces, moj otac nije nastavio.

It was left to my mother to educate me,

Ostavljeno je mojoj majci da me obrazuje,

and as George Lamming would say,

a kao što bi Džordž Leming rekao,

it was my mother who fathered me.

moja majka je bila moj otac.

Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:

Čak i u njegovom odsustvu, ta stara mantra je ostala:

You are being watched.

pod prismotrom ste.

But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,

Ali takav revnosni oprez može dovesti do anksioznosti,

so much so that years later, when I was investigating

toliko da godinama kasnije, kada sam istraživao

why so many young black men

zašto je tolikim crnim mladićima dijagnostikovana šizofrenija,

were diagnosed with schizophrenia,

six times more than they ought to be,

šest puta više nego što bi trebalo biti,

I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,

nije me iznenadilo da čujem od psihijatra:

"Black people are schooled in paranoia."

"Crnci su školovani u paranoji."

And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.

Pitam se šta bi Podočnjak mislio o tome.

Now I also had a 10-year-old son,

Ja sam takođe imao sina od 10 godina,

and turned my attention to Bageye

usmerio sam svoju pažnju na Podočnjaka

and I went in search of him.

i krenuo u potragu za njim.

He was back in Luton, he was now 82,

Bio je u Lutonu, imao je 82 godine,

and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,

i nisam ga video 30-ak godina,

and when he opened the door,

a kada je otvorio vrata,

I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,

video sam sićušnog čoveka sa sjajnim, nasmejanim očima,

and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.

smejao se, a nikad ga nisam video da se smeje.

I was very disconcerted by that.

Bio sam vrlo uznemiren time.

But we sat down, and he had a Caribbean friend with him,

Ali smo seli, bio je tu karipski prijatelj sa njim,

talking some old time talk,

ćaskali su o nekim starim temama,

and my father would look at me,

i moj otac me je pogledao,

and he looked at me as if I would

pogledao me je kao da bih

miraculously disappear as I had arisen.

čudesno nestao kako sam se i pojavio.

And he turned to his friend, and he said,

Okrenuo se ka svom prijatelju, i rekao je:

"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,

"Ovaj dečak i ja imamo duboku, duboku povezanost,

deep, deep connection."

duboku, duboku povezanost."

Ali ja nikada nisam osetio tu povezanost.

But I never felt that connection.

If there was a pulse, it was very weak

Ako je tu bilo pulsa, bio je veoma slab

or hardly at all.

ili jedva da ga je bilo.

And I almost felt in the course of that reunion

I skoro da sam osetio tokom tog ponovnog susreta

that I was auditioning to be my father's son.

da sam na audiciji da budem sin svog oca.

When the book came out,

Kada je knjiga izašla,

it had fair reviews in the national papers,

dobila je korektne kritike u domaćoj štampi,

but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,

ali odabrani časopis u Lutonu nije Gardijan,

it's the Luton News,

već Vesti Lutona,

and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,

a Vesti Lutona su objavile naslov u vezi sa knjigom:

"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."

"Knjiga koja može zaceliti 32 godine razdora."

And I understood that could also represent

Shvatio sam da to takođe može predstavljati

the rift between one generation and the next,

jaz između jedne generacije i one sledeće,

between people like me and my father's generation,

između ljudi kao što sam ja i generacije mog oca,

but there's no tradition in Caribbean life

ali u karipskom životu nema tradicije

of memoirs or biographies.

memoara ili biografija.

It was a tradition that you didn't chat about your business in public.

Bila je tradicija da se ne priča o svom životu u javnosti.

But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,

Ali sam dobro primio taj naslov, i zapravo sam pomislio, da,

there is a possibility that this

postoji mogućnost da će ovo

will open up conversations that we'd never had before.

otvoriti razgovore koje nismo ranije imali.

This will close the generation gap, perhaps.

To će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.

This could be an instrument of repair.

Ovo bi mogao biti alat za popravku.

And I even began to feel that this book

I čak sam počeo da osećam da bi ovu knjigu

may be perceived by my father

moj otac mogao videti

as an act of filial devotion.

kao čin sinovljeve odanosti.

Poor, deluded fool.

Sirota budala u zabludi.

Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be

Podočnjaka je razdražilo ono što je video kao

the public airing of his shortcomings.

javno prikazivanje njegovih nedostataka.

He was stung by my betrayal,

Bio je uvređen mojom izdajom,

and he went to the newspapers the next day

i čak je otišao u novine sutradan

and demanded a right of reply,

i zahtevao pravo na odgovor,

and he got it with the headline

i dobio ga je sa naslovom

"Bageye Bites Back."

"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."

And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.

To je bio iskričavi obračun moje izdaje.

I was no son of his.

Nisam bio njegov sin.

He recognized in his mind that his colors

Prepoznao je u svom umu da je njegovo ime osramoćeno,

had been dragged through the mud, and he couldn't allow that.

i to nije mogao da dopusti.

He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,

Morao je da povrati svoje dostojanstvo, i to je i učinio,

and initially, although I was disappointed,

i najpre, iako sam bio razočaran,

I grew to admire that stance.

počeo sam da se divim tom stavu.

There was still fire bubbling through his veins,

Još je bilo vatre koja je ključala kroz njegove vene,

even though he was 82 years old.

iako je imao 82 godine.

And if it meant that we would now return

Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti

to 30 years of silence,

na 30 godina tišine,

my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."

moj otac bi rekao: "Ako je tako, onda je tako."

Jamaicans will tell you that there's no such thing as facts,

Jamajčani će vam reći da nema činjenica,

there are only versions.

ima samo verzija.

We all tell ourselves the versions of the story

Svi mi govorimo sebi verzije priče

that we can best live with.

sa kojom najbolje možemo da živimo.

Each generation builds up an edifice

Svaka generacija gradi strukturu

which they are reluctant or sometimes unable

koju nevoljno ruše ili nisu u stanju da to učine

to disassemble,

but in the writing, my version of the story

ali u knjizi, moja verzija priče

began to change,

počela je da se menja,

and it was detached from me.

i odvojila se od mene.

I lost my hatred of my father.

Izgubio sam mržnju prema svom ocu.

I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,

Nisam više želeo da umre ili da ga ubijem,

and I felt free,

i osetio sam se slobodno,

much freer than I'd ever felt before.

mnogo slobodnije nego što sam se ikada ranije osećao.

And I wonder whether that freedness

I pitam se da li se ta sloboda

could be transferred to him.

može preneti na njega.

In that initial reunion,

Pri tom prvom susretu,

I was struck by an idea that I had

bio sam iznenađen idejom da sam imao

very few photographs of myself

veoma malo svojih fotografija

as a young child.

kao malog deteta.

This is a photograph of me,

Ovo je moja fotografija

nine months old.

sa devet meseci.

In the original photograph,

Na originalnoj fotografiji,

I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,

drži me moj otac, Podočnjak,

but when my parents separated, my mother

ali kada su se moji roditelji razdvojili,

excised him from all aspects of our lives.

moja majka ga je izrezala iz svih aspekata naših života.

She took a pair of scissors and cut him out of every photograph,

Uzela je makaze i odsekla ga sa svake fotografije,

and for years, I told myself the truth of this photograph

i godinama sam govorio sebi da je istina ovih fotografija

was that you are alone,

da si sam,

you are unsupported.

bez podrške.

But there's another way of looking at this photograph.

Ali postoji drugi način sagledavanja ove fotografije.

This is a photograph that has the potential

Ovo je fotografija koja ima potencijal

for a reunion,

ponovnog ujedinjenja,

a potential to be reunited with my father,

potencijal da se ponovo sretnem sa svojim ocem,

and in my yearning to be held up by my father,

i u mojoj žudnji da me drži otac,

I held him up to the light.

ja ga podižem ka svetlosti.

In that first reunion,

Pri tom prvom susretu,

it was very awkward and tense moments,

bilo je vrlo neprijatnih i napetih trenutaka,

and to lessen the tension,

i da bismo umanjili napetost,

we decided to go for a walk.

odlučili smo da prošetamo.

And as we walked, I was struck

Dok smo šetali, bio sam zapanjen

that I had reverted to being the child

da sam ponovo postao dete

even though I was now towering above my father.

iako sam se sada uzdizao nad svojim ocem.

I was almost a foot taller than my father.

Bio sam skoro za glavu viši od svog oca.

He was still the big man,

On je još uvek bio veliki čovek,

and I tried to match his step.

i pokušao sam da se uskladim sa njegovim korakom.

And I realized that he was walking

I shvatio sam da je hodao

as if he was still under observation,

kao da je još uvek pod prismotrom,

but I admired his walk.

ali sam se divio njegovom hodu.

He walked like a man

Hodao je kao čovek

on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final

na strani koja gubi u finalu FA kupa

mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.

podešavajući korake da preuzme svoju medalju sažaljenja.

There was dignity in defeat.

Postojalo je dostojanstvo u porazu.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)