Colin Grant: The son of a difficult father

Prevoditelj: Anja Kolobarić Recezent: Mislav Ante Omazić - EFZG

This is a photograph

Ovo je fotografija

of a man whom for many years

čovjeka čije sam ubojstvo

I plotted to kill.

godinama planirao.

This is my father,

To je moj otac.

Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.

Clinton George "Podočnjak" Grant.

He's called Bageye because he has

Zovu ga "Podočnjak" jer ima

permanent bags under his eyes.

trajne vrećice ispod očiju.

As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,

Kao desetogodišnjak, s braćom i sestrama,

I dreamt of scraping off the poison

maštao sam kako ću mu ubaciti

from fly-killer paper into his coffee,

otrov za muhe u kavu,

grounded down glass and sprinkling it

samljeti ga čašom

over his breakfast,

i posuti mu ga po doručku.

loosening the carpet on the stairs

Kako ću olabaviti tepih

so he would trip and break his neck.

na stepenicama da se spotakne i slomi vrat.

But come the day, he would always

Ali kad bi došao dan D, on bi

skip that loose step,

svaki put preskočio tu stepenicu,

he would always bow out of the house

izletio iz kuće

without so much as a swig of coffee

bez gutljaja kave

or a bite to eat.

ili komadića doručka.

And so for many years,

Tolikih godina

I feared that my father would die

strahovao sam da će umrijeti

before I had a chance to kill him.

prije no što ga stignem ubiti.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

Up until our mother asked him to leave

Sve dok mu majka nije rekla da ode

and not come back,

i da se ne vraća,

Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.

Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuća zvijer.

He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,

Uvijek je bio na rubu bijesa,

rather like me, as you see.

poput mene, kao što možete vidjeti.

He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton

Radio je noću u Vauxhall Motorsu u Lutonu

and demanded total silence throughout the house,

i zahtijevao potpunu tišinu u kući,

so that when we came home from school

pa kad bismo došli kući iz škole

at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle

u 15:30, sklupčali bismo se

beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,

pokraj TV-a

we would twiddle with the volume control knob

i toliko stišali ton na TV-u

on the TV so it was almost inaudible.

da ga je bilo gotovo nemoguće čuti.

And at times, when we were like this,

Ponekad kad bismo to radili,

so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"

toliko smo govorili "šššš", toliko je "šššš-ova"

going on in the house

prolazilo kućom

that I imagined us to be like

da sam nas zamišljao poput

the German crew of a U-boat

posade njemačke podmornice

creeping along the edge of the ocean

koja se šulja rubom oceana

whilst up above, on the surface,

dok na površini

HMS Bageye patrolled

patrolira HMS Podočnjak,

ready to drop death charges

spreman osuditi nas na smrt

at the first sound of any disturbance.

i za najmanji nemir.

So that lesson was the lesson that

Iz toga sam naučio ovo:

"Do not draw attention to yourself

"Ne privlači pozornost na sebe

either in the home or outside of the home."

ni kod kuće ni izvan nje."

Maybe it's a migrant lesson.

Možda je to migrantska lekcija.

We were to be below the radar,

Nikad se nije znalo za nas,

so there was no communication, really,

pa nije bilo komunikacije

between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,

između Podočnjaka i nas, nas i Podočnjaka,

and the sound that we most looked forward to,

a zvuk kojemu se većina radovala,

you know when you're a child and you want

znate kad ste kao djeca jedva čekali

your father to come home and it's all going to be happy

da se tata vrati kući i sve će biti super

and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.

i čekate zvuk otvaranja vrata.

Well the sound that we looked forward to

Mi smo se radovali

was the click of the door closing,

zvuku zatvaranja vrata

which meant he'd gone and would not come back.

koji je značio da je otišao i da se ne vraća.

So for three decades,

Tri desetljeća

I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.

nikad nisam pogledao oca, a ni on mene.

We never spoke to each other for three decades,

Nismo razgovarali tri desetljeća,

and then a couple of years ago, I decided

a onda prije nekoliko godina odlučih

to turn the spotlight on him.

na njega usmjeriti pozornost.

"You are being watched.

"Gledaju te.

Actually, you are.

Uistinu.

You are being watched."

Gledaju te."

That was his mantra to us, his children.

To je on govorio nama, svojoj djeci.

Time and time again he would say this to us.

Stalno je to govorio.

And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,

To je bilo 70-ih, u Lutonu

where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,

gdje je radio u Vauxhall Motorsima

and he was a Jamaican.

i bio je Jamajčanin.

And what he meant was,

A pod tim je mislio

you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant

da te kao dijete jamajčanskog imigranta

are being watched

netko gleda

to see which way you turn, to see whether

da vidi kako ćeš ispasti,

you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,

kako utjelovljuješ stereotipe,

of being feckless, work-shy,

kako si nemaran i lijen,

destined for a life of crime.

predodređen za život kriminalca.

You are being watched,

Gledaju te,

so confound their expectations of you.

pa ih potpuno zbuni.

To that end, Bageye and his friends,

Zbog toga su Podočnjak i njegovi prijatelji,

mostly Jamaican,

uglavnom Jamajčani,

exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:

živjeli po onoj jamajčanskoj:

Turn your best side to the world,

Pokaži svoju najbolju stranu svijetu,

show your best face to the world.

svoje najbolje lice.

If you have seen some of the images

Ako ste vidjeli neke slike

of the Caribbean people arriving

doseljenja Karibijaca

in the '40s and '50s,

40-ih i 50-ih,

you might have noticed that a lot of the men

možda ste uočili da

wear trilbies.

puno muškaraca nosi šešire.

Now, there was no tradition of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.

Takva tradicija nije postojala na Jamajci.

They invented that tradition for their arrival here.

Izmislili su je po dolasku.

They wanted to project themselves in a way

Htjeli su se zaštititi na način

that they wanted to be perceived,

da budu opaženi,

so that the way they looked

pa ih je izgled

and the names that they gave themselves

i imena koja su davali sami sebi

defined them.

definirali.

So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.

Podočnjak je ćelav i podočnjaci mu vise.

Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.

"Uredne čizme" izbirljiv je oko obuće.

Anxious is always anxious.

"Anksiozni" je uvijek nervozan.

Clock has one arm longer than the other.

"Sat" ima jednu dužu i jednu kraću ruku.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And my all-time favorite was the guy they called Summerwear.

I moj najdraži - "Ljetna Odjeća".

When Summerwear came to this country

Kad se gosp. Ljetna Odjeća doselio

from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted

s Jamajke ranih 60-ih,

on wearing light summer suits,

uporno je nosio lagana ljetna odijela,

no matter the weather,

bez obzira na vremenske prilike.

and in the course of researching their lives,

Istražujući njihove živote,

I asked my mom, "Whatever became of Summerwear?"

pitao sam mamu: "Što je bilo s Ljetnom Odjećom?"

And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)

Rekla je: "Prehladio se i umro." (Smijeh)

But men like Summerwear

Ali ljudi poput Ljetne Odjeće

taught us the importance of style.

uče nas o važnosti stila.

Maybe they exaggerated their style

Možda je njihov stil bio pretjeran

because they thought that they were not considered

jer su mislili da ih drugi ne smatraju

to be quite civilized,

civiliziranima,

and they transferred that generational attitude

pa su prenijeli taj generacijski stav

or anxiety onto us, the next generation,

ili anksioznost na nas, sljedeću generaciju

so much so that when I was growing up,

toliko da dok sam odrastao,

if ever on the television news or radio

ako bi se na TV-u, u novinama ili na radiju

a report came up about a black person

pojavila reportaža o crncima

committing some crime —

koji počinjavaju zločine --

a mugging, a murder, a burglary —

pljačke, ubojstva, provale --

we winced along with our parents,

zgrozili bismo se zajedno s roditeljima

because they were letting the side down.

jer su ti ljudi ocrnjavali sve nas.

You did not just represent yourself.

Ne predstavljaš samo sebe.

You represented the group,

Predstavljaš cijelu skupinu,

and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,

a bilo se užasno teško pomiriti

in a way, that maybe you were going

s tim da će te možda

to be perceived in the same light.

promatrati na isti način.

So that was what needed to be challenged.

To se trebalo promijeniti.

Our father and many of his colleagues

Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege

exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.

utjelovljavali su prijenos bez primanja.

They were built to transmit but not receive.

Stvoreni su da prenose, a ne primaju.

We were to keep quiet.

Morali smo biti tiho.

When our father did speak to us,

Kad nam je otac govorio,

it was from the pulpit of his mind.

bilo je to s propovjedaonice njegova uma.

They clung to certainty in the belief

Držali su se vjerovanja

that doubt would undermine them.

da će ih sumnja potkopati.

But when I am working in my house

Ali kad ja radim kod kuće

and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs

i kad nakon cjelodnevnog pisanja pohrlim niz stepenice

and I'm very excited to talk about Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley

i jedva čekam razgovarati o Marcusu Garveyu ili Bobu Marleyu

and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies

i riječi lete iz mojih usta poput leptira

and I'm so excited that my children stop me,

i toliko sam uzbuđen da me djeca zaustave

and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."

i kažu: "Tata, to nikog ne zanima."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But they do care, actually.

Ali zapravo ih zanima.

They cross over.

Prijeđu.

Somehow they find their way to you.

Nekako nađu put do vas.

They shape their lives according to the narrative of your life,

Oblikuju svoje živote po uzoru na priču vašeg života,

as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,

kao što sam ja vjerojatno oblikovao svoj život po uzoru na moje roditelje.

and maybe Bageye did with his father.

a možda je i Podočnjak učinio isto sa svojim ocem.

And that was clearer to me

Tako mi je bilo jednostavnije

in the course of looking at his life

gledati na njegov život

and understanding, as they say,

i shvaćati, kao što

the Native Americans say,

Indijanci kažu:

"Do not criticize the man until you can walk

"Ne kritiziraj nikoga dok ne prošetaš

in his moccasins."

u njegovim mokasinkama."

But in conjuring his life, it was okay

Ali zamišljajući njegov život, bilo je prihvatljivo

and very straightforward to portray

i sasvim jasno zamisliti

a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s

karipski način života u Engleskoj 70-ih godina

with bowls of plastic fruit,

sa zdjelama plastičnog voća,

polystyrene ceiling tiles,

tapetama,

settees permanently sheathed

divanima trajno prekrivenim

in their transparent covers that they were delivered in.

prozirnom folijom u kojoj su bili i dostavljeni.

But what's more difficult to navigate

Ali teže je zamisliti

is the emotional landscape

emocionalnu raznolikost

between the generations,

između generacija,

and the old adage that with age comes wisdom

ali izreka da mudrost dolazi s godinama

is not true.

nije istinita.

With age comes the veneer of respectability

S godinama dolazi tanak sloj poštovanja

and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.

i sloj neugodnih istina.

But what was true was that my parents,

Ali istina je da moji roditelji,

my mother, and my father went along with it,

moja majka, a otac se s time složio,

did not trust the state to educate me.

nisu htjeli državi povjeriti moje školovanje.

So listen to how I sound.

Slušajte kako govorim.

They determined that they would send me to a private school,

Odlučili su me poslati u privatnu školu,

but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.

no otac je radio u Vauxhall Motorsu.

It's quite difficult to fund a private school education

Teško je plaćati privatnu školu

and feed his army of children.

i hraniti vojsku djece.

I remember going on to the school

Sjećam se kad sam išao u školu

for the entrance exam, and my father said

na prijamni ispit i otac je rekao

to the priest — it was a Catholic school —

svećeniku - bila je to katolička škola -

he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,

da želi bolju "Hedukaciju" za momka,

but also, he, my father,

ali on, moj otac,

never even managed to pass worms,

nije se uspio riješiti ni crva,

never mind entrance exams.

a kamoli prijamnih ispita.

But in order to fund my education,

Ali kako bi plaćao moje školovanje,

he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,

planirao se baviti mutnim poslovima,

so my father would fund my education

pa bi to radio

by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,

preprodajom ilegalnih dobara iz prtljažnika automobila,

and that was made even more tricky because

a to je bilo još zeznutije

my father, that's not his car by the way.

zato što moj otac, usput ovo nije njegov auto.

My father aspired to have a car like that,

Htio je imati takav automobil,

but my father had a beaten-up Mini,

ali imao je izubijani Mini

and he never, being a Jamaican coming to this country,

i, kako je bio Jamajčanin pri dolasku u ovu zemlju,

he never had a driving license,

nije imao ni vozačku dozvolu,

he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.

nikakvo osiguranje, nije plaćao cestovne poreze ili poreze na gorivo.

He thought, "I know how to drive;

Mislio je: "Znam voziti;

why do I need the state's validation?"

što će mi potvrda države?"

But it became a little tricky when we were stopped by the police,

Ali malo se zakompliciralo kad nas je zaustavila policija,

and we were stopped a lot by the police,

a to se često događalo,

and I was impressed by the way

i bio sam impresioniran

that my father dealt with the police.

načinom na koji se on nosio s njima.

He would promote the policeman immediately,

Odmah bi promaknuo policajca,

so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs

pa bi policajac Bloggs postao detektiv inspektor Bloggs

in the course of the conversation

tijekom razgovora

and wave us on merrily.

i veselo bi nas propustio.

So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica

Moj je otac radio ono što mi na Jamajci

called "playing fool to catch wise."

zovemo "praviti se nevješt".

But it lent also an idea

Ali činilo se

that actually he was being diminished

kao da policajac

or belittled by the policeman —

umanjuje njegov značaj -

as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —

to sam vidio kao desetogodišnjak -

but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.

ali postojala je i ambivalencija prema autoritetu.

So on the one hand, there was

U jednu mu se ruku

a mocking of authority,

rugao,

but on the other hand, there was a deference

ali ga je s druge strane

towards authority,

poštovao,

and these Caribbean people

a ovi Karibijci

had an overbearing obedience towards authority,

pokazivali su snažnu poslušnost prema autoritetu

which is very striking, very strange in a way,

koja je bila jako upečatljiva, neobična

because migrants are very courageous people.

jer su migranti jako hrabri ljudi -

They leave their homes. My father and my mother

oni napuštaju svoje domove. Moj otac i majka

left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,

napustili su Jamajku i prešli 6.500 km,

and yet they were infantilized by travel.

a to ih je putovanje podjetinjilo.

They were timid,

Postali su plašljivi

and somewhere along the line,

i negdje usput

the natural order was reversed.

prirodni je poredak poremećen.

The children became the parents to the parent.

Djeca su roditeljima postala roditelji.

The Caribbean people came to this country with a five-year plan:

Karibijci su ovdje stigli s petogodišnjim planom:

they would work, some money, and then go back,

zaradit će malo novca i vratiti se,

but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,

ali pet godina postane 10, 10 postane 15

and before you know it, you're changing the wallpaper,

i niste se ni snašli, a već mijenjate tapete,

and at that point, you know you're here to stay.

a onda već znate da ćete tu i ostati.

Although there's still the kind of temporariness

Iako su roditelji još uvijek imali

that our parents felt about being here,

osjećaj privremenosti,

but we children knew that the game was up.

mi djeca znali smo da je to za trajno.

I think there was a feeling that

Mislim da su se osjećali

they would not be able to continue with the ideals

kao da ne bi mogli nastaviti

of the life that they expected.

s idealima očekivanog života.

The reality was very much different.

Stvarnost se znatno razlikovala.

And also, that was true of the reality

To je posebno istinito za stvarnost

of trying to educate me.

mog pokušaja obrazovanja.

Having started the process, my father did not continue.

Otac je započeo proces, no nije ga nastavio.

It was left to my mother to educate me,

Mojoj je majci dopalo da me obrazuje

and as George Lamming would say,

i kako bi George Lamming rekao,

it was my mother who fathered me.

majka mi je bila otac.

Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:

I dok ga nije bilo, misao je ostala:

You are being watched.

Gledaju te.

But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,

Ali takvo strastveno nadgledanje može uzrokovati anksioznost.

so much so that years later, when I was investigating

Nekoliko godina kasnije kad sam istraživao

why so many young black men

zašto toliki mladi crnci

were diagnosed with schizophrenia,

imaju dijagnosticiranu šizofreniju

six times more than they ought to be,

šest puta više nego što je to očekivano,

I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,

nije me iznenadila izjava psihijatra:

"Black people are schooled in paranoia."

"Crnci su naučeni na paranoju."

And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.

Baš me zanima što bi Podočnjak rekao na to.

Now I also had a 10-year-old son,

Kad sam i sam imao desetogodišnjeg sina,

and turned my attention to Bageye

usredotočio sam se na Podočnjaka

and I went in search of him.

i krenuo ga tražiti.

He was back in Luton, he was now 82,

Vratio se u Luton, imao je 82 g.,

and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,

nisam ga vidio trideset i nešto godina

and when he opened the door,

i kad je otvorio vrata,

I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,

vidio sam malenog čovjeka vedrog pogleda,

and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.

smiješio se, nikad ga nisam vidio takvog.

I was very disconcerted by that.

To me jako zbunilo.

But we sat down, and he had a Caribbean friend with him,

Sjeli smo, s njim je bio prijatelj Karibijac,

talking some old time talk,

pričali su stare priče

and my father would look at me,

i otac me pogledavao,

and he looked at me as if I would

gledao me kao da bih mogao

miraculously disappear as I had arisen.

nestati jednako čudnovato kao što sam se tu i stvorio.

And he turned to his friend, and he said,

Okrenuo se svome prijatelju i rekao mu:

"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,

"Ovaj momak i ja imamo duboku povezanost,

deep, deep connection."

jako duboku povezanost."

But I never felt that connection.

Ali ja je nikad nisam osjećao.

If there was a pulse, it was very weak

Ako je postojao puls, bio je jako slab

or hardly at all.

ili jedva da je postojao.

And I almost felt in the course of that reunion

U tom ponovnom okupljanju,

that I was auditioning to be my father's son.

osjećao sam se kao na audiciji za sina.

When the book came out,

Kad je knjiga izašla, imala je

it had fair reviews in the national papers,

solidne kritike u državnim novinama,

but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,

ali u Lutonu se ne čita The Guardian,

it's the Luton News,

već Luton News,

and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,

a u Luton Newsu knjiga je dobila naslovnicu:

"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."

"Knjiga koja bi mogla zaliječiti 32-ogodišnji jaz."

And I understood that could also represent

Shvatio sam da to također može predstavljati

the rift between one generation and the next,

međugeneracijski jaz,

between people like me and my father's generation,

između ljudi poput mene i očeve generacije,

but there's no tradition in Caribbean life

ali nema tradicije u karibijskom životu

of memoirs or biographies.

memoara ili biografija.

It was a tradition that you didn't chat about your business in public.

Tradicija je glasila: ne čavrljaj o svojim poslovima u javnosti.

But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,

No sviđao mi se taj naslov i pomislih: da,

there is a possibility that this

postoji mogućnost da će ovo

will open up conversations that we'd never had before.

pokrenuti razgovore koje dotad nismo vodili.

This will close the generation gap, perhaps.

Ovo će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.

This could be an instrument of repair.

Ovo će biti sredstvo popravka.

And I even began to feel that this book

Počeo sam misliti da bi

may be perceived by my father

moj otac ovu knjigu mogao vidjeti

as an act of filial devotion.

kao odraz sinovljeve odanosti.

Poor, deluded fool.

Jadna, zaluđena budala.

Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be

Podočnjaka je zaboljelo ono što je smatrao

the public airing of his shortcomings.

javnim prikazom svojih nedostataka.

He was stung by my betrayal,

Zaboljela ga je izdaja,

and he went to the newspapers the next day

pa je sljedeći dan otišao do novina

and demanded a right of reply,

i tražio pravo replike

and he got it with the headline

koju je dobio naslovnicom:

"Bageye Bites Back."

"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."

And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.

Bio je to blistav prikaz moje izdaje.

I was no son of his.

Nisam bio njegov sin.

He recognized in his mind that his colors

U njegovom su umu njegove boje bile

had been dragged through the mud, and he couldn't allow that.

okaljane, a on to nije mogao dozvoliti.

He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,

Morao je povratiti svoje dostojanstvo i to je i učinio.

and initially, although I was disappointed,

U početku, iako sam bio razočaran,

I grew to admire that stance.

divio sam se njegovom stavu.

There was still fire bubbling through his veins,

Još je bilo života u njemu,

even though he was 82 years old.

iako su mu bile 82 godine.

And if it meant that we would now return

Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti

to 30 years of silence,

na trideset godina šutnje,

my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."

moj bi otac rekao: "Ako tako mora biti, neka bude tako."

Jamaicans will tell you that there's no such thing as facts,

Jamajčani će vam reći da ne postoje činjenice,

there are only versions.

postoje samo verzije.

We all tell ourselves the versions of the story

Svi si mi pričamo verzije priče

that we can best live with.

s kojom najlakše možemo živjeti.

Each generation builds up an edifice

Svaka generacija gradi zdanje

which they are reluctant or sometimes unable

koje nekad ne žele, a nekad ne mogu

to disassemble,

srušiti,

but in the writing, my version of the story

ali kako sam pisao, moja se verzija priče

began to change,

počela mijenjati

and it was detached from me.

i bila je odvojena od mene.

I lost my hatred of my father.

Prestao sam mrziti oca.

I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,

Više nisam htio da umre ili ubiti ga,

and I felt free,

osjećao sam se slobodno,

much freer than I'd ever felt before.

puno slobodnije nego ikad prije.

And I wonder whether that freedness

I pitam se može li se ta sloboda

could be transferred to him.

prenijeti na njega.

In that initial reunion,

U tom početnom ponovnom ujedinjenju,

I was struck by an idea that I had

shvatio sam da imam

very few photographs of myself

vrlo malo fotografija sebe

as a young child.

kao djeteta.

This is a photograph of me,

Ovo je jedna moja fotografija,

nine months old.

imao sam devet mjeseci.

In the original photograph,

U originalnoj fotografiji

I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,

drži me otac, Podočnjak,

but when my parents separated, my mother

ali kad su se moji rastali, mama ga je

excised him from all aspects of our lives.

uklonila iz svih aspekata naših života.

She took a pair of scissors and cut him out of every photograph,

Uzela je škarice i izrezala ga iz svake fotografije

and for years, I told myself the truth of this photograph

i godinama sam si govorio da je istina koja se krije u ovoj fotografiji

was that you are alone,

ta da si sam,

you are unsupported.

ne možeš se osloniti ni na koga.

But there's another way of looking at this photograph.

No možemo je promatrati i na drugi način.

This is a photograph that has the potential

Ovo je fotografija koja može omogućiti

for a reunion,

ponovno ujedinjenje,

a potential to be reunited with my father,

ponovno ujedinjenje s ocem,

and in my yearning to be held up by my father,

a u svojoj želji da me drži otac,

I held him up to the light.

držao sam ga uz svjetlo.

In that first reunion,

U tom prvom ujedinjenju,

it was very awkward and tense moments,

bilo je jako neugodnih i napetih trenutaka

and to lessen the tension,

i kako bismo ih umanjili,

we decided to go for a walk.

odlučili smo prošetati.

And as we walked, I was struck

Kako smo šetali, shvatio sam

that I had reverted to being the child

da sam se vratio ulozi djeteta

even though I was now towering above my father.

iako sam sada puno viši od oca.

I was almost a foot taller than my father.

Bio sam od njega viši skoro 30 cm.

He was still the big man,

On je još uvijek bio krupan čovjek,

and I tried to match his step.

pokušavao sam ga pratiti korakom.

And I realized that he was walking

Shvatio sam da hoda

as if he was still under observation,

kao da ga se još uvijek nadgleda,

but I admired his walk.

ali divio sam se njegovu hodu.

He walked like a man

Hodao je poput čovjeka

on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final

gubitničke ekipe u finalu FA kupa,

mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.

koji se penje po stepenicama po svoju utješnu medalju.

There was dignity in defeat.

Bilo je dostojanstva u tom porazu.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)