Colin Grant: The son of a difficult father

譯者: YuFang Liu 審譯者: Adrienne Lin

This is a photograph

照片上的男人

of a man whom for many years

是多年前我曾經

I plotted to kill.

想密謀殺死的人。

This is my father,

這是我的父親。

Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.

克林頓．喬治．「大眼袋」．格蘭特。

He's called Bageye because he has

他叫大眼袋是因為

permanent bags under his eyes.

他的眼睛下面有永久性眼袋。

As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,

我 10 歲時，和我的兄弟姐妹一起，

I dreamt of scraping off the poison

我夢想自己從黏蠅板刮取毒藥

from fly-killer paper into his coffee,

放進他的咖啡，

grounded down glass and sprinkling it

把玻璃磨碎

over his breakfast,

然後灑在他的早餐，

loosening the carpet on the stairs

掀開樓梯上的地毯

so he would trip and break his neck.

使他絆倒扭斷他的脖子。

But come the day, he would always

但每次這個時刻到來時，

skip that loose step,

他總能避開那鬆跨的階梯，

he would always bow out of the house

他匆匆離開家門以前

without so much as a swig of coffee

總是一點咖啡都不喝、

or a bite to eat.

一點東西都沒吃。

And so for many years,

因此有好多年

I feared that my father would die

我害怕我的父親

在我有機會殺他時就先死了。

before I had a chance to kill him.

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Up until our mother asked him to leave

在我們母親要求他離開這個家

and not come back,

永遠別回來之前，

Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.

大眼袋一直是隻怪獸。

He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,

他長期處於憤怒邊緣搖搖欲墜，

rather like me, as you see.

你們可以看到，有點像我。

He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton

他晚上在盧頓的佛賀汽車公司工作，

and demanded total silence throughout the house,

要求整棟房子要安靜無聲，

so that when we came home from school

所以當我們在下午 3:30 放學回家時，

at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle

beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,

我們會一起縮在電視旁，

彷彿打開保險櫃的小偷，

we would twiddle with the volume control knob

我們會轉動電視的音量控制鈕，

on the TV so it was almost inaudible.

所以幾乎沒有聲音。

And at times, when we were like this,

那時候，我們就像這樣，

so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"

在房子裡面經常聽到「噓」聲，

going on in the house

很多「噓」聲。

that I imagined us to be like

我想像我們就像

the German crew of a U-boat

潛水艇裡的德國船員，

creeping along the edge of the ocean

沿著海洋的邊緣爬行

whilst up above, on the surface,

同時在海面上，

HMS Bageye patrolled

大眼袋海軍艦隊在巡邏，

ready to drop death charges

一聽到任何干擾，

at the first sound of any disturbance.

就下達死亡命令。

So that lesson was the lesson that

所以那堂課教了我

"Do not draw attention to yourself

「無論在家裡或外面

either in the home or outside of the home."

都不要引起別人的注意。」

Maybe it's a migrant lesson.

或許這是給移民者的一堂課。

We were to be below the radar,

我們不要引人注意，

so there was no communication, really,

所以我們之間沒有交談，真的，

between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,

大眼袋和我們之間，以及我們和大眼袋之間，

and the sound that we most looked forward to,

我們最期待的聲音是，

you know when you're a child and you want

你知道你小時候，

your father to come home and it's all going to be happy

會期待父親回家，一切都會很快樂，

and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.

你等待著開門的聲音。

Well the sound that we looked forward to

然而我們所期待的聲音是

was the click of the door closing,

關門時發出的咔嗒聲音，

which meant he'd gone and would not come back.

意思是他離開了而且不再回來。

So for three decades,

所以 30 年的時間，

I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.

我從未注視過我的父親， 他也從未注視過我。

We never spoke to each other for three decades,

我們彼此不說話有 30 年了，

and then a couple of years ago, I decided

幾年以前，我決定

to turn the spotlight on him.

把注意力轉到他身上。

"You are being watched.

「你被監視了。

Actually, you are.

事實上，你的確是。

You are being watched."

你被監視了。」

That was his mantra to us, his children.

那是他對子女的口頭禪。

Time and time again he would say this to us.

他會一次又一次地這樣對我們說。

And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,

這是 1970 年代，這裡是盧頓，

where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,

是他在佛賀汽車公司工作的地方，

and he was a Jamaican.

而他是牙買加人。

And what he meant was,

他想說的是，

you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant

身為牙買加移民者的孩子，

are being watched

你被監視著，

to see which way you turn, to see whether

看你轉哪個方向，

you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,

看你是否符合所在國對你的刻板印象，

of being feckless, work-shy,

也就是無能、懶惰、

destined for a life of crime.

注定要犯罪。

You are being watched,

你被監視著。

so confound their expectations of you.

所以打破他們對你的期待。

To that end, Bageye and his friends,

這一方面，大眼袋和他的朋友們，

mostly Jamaican,

大多是牙買加人，

exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:

表現出某種牙買加的美好形象：

Turn your best side to the world,

向世界表現你最好的一面，

show your best face to the world.

向世界展現你最美麗的臉龐。

If you have seen some of the images

如果你有看過一些

of the Caribbean people arriving

加勒比人在 40、50 年代

in the '40s and '50s,

抵達的圖片，

you might have noticed that a lot of the men

你可能會注意到很多男人

wear trilbies.

戴著呢帽。

Now, there was no tradition of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.

其實在牙買加沒有戴呢帽的傳統。

They invented that tradition for their arrival here.

是他們抵達這裡時，發明了這項傳統。

They wanted to project themselves in a way

他們想用這一個方式表現自己

that they wanted to be perceived,

被人察覺，

so that the way they looked

所以他們戴帽的樣子

and the names that they gave themselves

以及他們給自己取的名字

defined them.

定義了他們。

So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.

所以大眼袋是個光頭， 有很深的眼袋。

Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.

取名為整潔靴子的那位 非常挑剔他的鞋子。

Anxious is always anxious.

取名為緊張的那位永遠總是緊張。

Clock has one arm longer than the other.

取名為時鐘的那位， 是一手臂長，一手臂短。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And my all-time favorite was the guy they called Summerwear.

我最喜歡的一個傢伙，

他們叫他夏天穿著。

When Summerwear came to this country

早期 1960 年代，當夏天穿著

from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted

從牙買加來到這個國家，

on wearing light summer suits,

不管天氣如何， 他都堅持穿著輕盈夏天衣服。

no matter the weather,

and in the course of researching their lives,

我在研究他們生活的時候，

I asked my mom, "Whatever became of Summerwear?"

我問母親：「夏天穿著後來怎麼了？」

And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)

她說：「他著涼感冒死掉了。」（笑聲）

But men like Summerwear

但是像夏天穿著這樣的男人

taught us the importance of style.

教導我們風格的重要性。

Maybe they exaggerated their style

也許他們誇大了自己的風格，

because they thought that they were not considered

因為他們以為自己

to be quite civilized,

被認為不是相當文明。

and they transferred that generational attitude

他們把自己在那個年代的態度

or anxiety onto us, the next generation,

或焦慮放到下一代，我們的身上，

so much so that when I was growing up,

以至於當我漸漸長大時，

if ever on the television news or radio

如果有電視新聞或收音機報導

a report came up about a black person

關於一個黑人

committing some crime —

犯罪的一些消息，

a mugging, a murder, a burglary —

例如搶劫、謀殺、盜竊，

we winced along with our parents,

我們會和父母親畏縮在一起，

because they were letting the side down.

因為他們做的這些事情 使我們感到失望。

You did not just represent yourself.

你不只是代表你自己一個人，

You represented the group,

你代表了整個團體。

and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,

這是一件必須正視的可怕事件。

in a way, that maybe you were going

在某種程度上，

to be perceived in the same light.

你也會被用同樣的眼光審視。

So that was what needed to be challenged.

這就是需要挑戰的地方。

Our father and many of his colleagues

我們的父親和他的很多同事

exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.

展現出某種宣言而不是接受。

They were built to transmit but not receive.

他們是用來傳輸不是接收。

We were to keep quiet.

我們被要求保持安靜。

When our father did speak to us,

當我們的父親跟我們說話時，

it was from the pulpit of his mind.

是來自他的思想傳教。

They clung to certainty in the belief

他們堅定不移，

that doubt would undermine them.

深信懷疑將會破壞他們的信念。

But when I am working in my house

但是當我在家裡工作時，

and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs

日復一日的寫作之後， 我衝到樓下，

and I'm very excited to talk about Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley

很興奮地談著 馬科斯·加維或巴布·馬利，

and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies

文字像蝴蝶般從我的嘴裡飛舞而出，

and I'm so excited that my children stop me,

我興奮到我的孩子阻止我，

and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."

他們說：「老爸，沒有人會在乎的。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But they do care, actually.

但是事實上他們很在意。

They cross over.

他們跨越了。

Somehow they find their way to you.

不知怎麼的他們能找到你。

They shape their lives according to the narrative of your life,

他們根據你的生活敘事，塑造他們的生活，

as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,

或許，就像我和父母親做的一樣，

and maybe Bageye did with his father.

可能大眼袋和他的父親也這麼做。

And that was clearer to me

我明白了，

in the course of looking at his life

看著他的生活歷程，

and understanding, as they say,

我明白一件事，如他們說的，

the Native Americans say,

美國原住民說，

"Do not criticize the man until you can walk

「不要輕易批評一個人，

in his moccasins."

除非你已經歷過他所經歷的事。」

But in conjuring his life, it was okay

但在他魔術般的人生中，

and very straightforward to portray

非常直接描述

a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s

英國 1970 年代的加勒比生活。

with bowls of plastic fruit,

桌上擺著塑膠水果、

polystyrene ceiling tiles,

聚苯乙烯塑料天花板，

settees permanently sheathed

以及沙發還套著購買時

in their transparent covers that they were delivered in.

外罩的透明塑膠套。

But what's more difficult to navigate

但是更難描繪出的是

is the emotional landscape

世代之間的

between the generations,

情感面，

and the old adage that with age comes wisdom

古老的格言說年齡會帶來智慧

is not true.

不是真的。

With age comes the veneer of respectability

年齡增長帶來令人尊敬的表相

and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.

和不愉快事實的表相。

But what was true was that my parents,

但真相是我的父母

my mother, and my father went along with it,

都附合這樣的說法，

did not trust the state to educate me.

他們不信任國家來教育我。

So listen to how I sound.

所以聽聽我的說話方式。

They determined that they would send me to a private school,

他們決定送我去私立學校，

but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.

但是我的父親在佛賀汽車公司工作，

It's quite difficult to fund a private school education

很難負擔私校的費用

and feed his army of children.

和養育他眾多小孩。

I remember going on to the school

我記得去學校做入學考試時，

for the entrance exam, and my father said

我的父親告訴神父，

to the priest — it was a Catholic school —

這是一間天主教學校，

he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,

他說，他想要孩子接受比較好的「郊」育，

but also, he, my father,

而且我的父親，

never even managed to pass worms,

連衛生檢查都沒及格過，

never mind entrance exams.

更別說入學考試。

But in order to fund my education,

但為了我的教育基金，

he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,

他不得不做些偷雞摸狗的事。

so my father would fund my education

他會在車子後面進行非法交易，

by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,

以籌湊我的教育基金，

and that was made even more tricky because

但更棘手的是，

my father, that's not his car by the way.

那台車子並不是我父親的。

My father aspired to have a car like that,

我父親渴望有台那樣的車，

but my father had a beaten-up Mini,

但他有的只是台破舊的 Mini 車，

and he never, being a Jamaican coming to this country,

做為牙買加移民，

he never had a driving license,

他未曾有過駕照，

he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.

他沒有任何保險、路稅或駕照考試。

He thought, "I know how to drive;

他認為：「反正我知道如何開車，

why do I need the state's validation?"

為什麼還需要國家的驗證？」

But it became a little tricky when we were stopped by the police,

但是當我們被警察攔截， 事情變得有些棘手，

and we were stopped a lot by the police,

很多警察攔截我們，

and I was impressed by the way

我父親和警察交涉的方式

that my father dealt with the police.

令我印象深刻。

He would promote the policeman immediately,

他會立即替警察升等，

so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs

所以在談話的過程中，

警察布洛格斯 會變成探長布洛格斯，

in the course of the conversation

and wave us on merrily.

最後還跟我們快樂的揮手。

So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica

所以我的父親展現我們在牙買加

called "playing fool to catch wise."

稱為「扮豬吃老虎」。

But it lent also an idea

但它也增添了一個想法

that actually he was being diminished

實際上是警察貶低

or belittled by the policeman —

或輕視他 —

as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —

作為一個 10 歲小男孩， 我看到這個景象 —

but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.

但是還一種對權威的矛盾心理。

So on the one hand, there was

所以一方面，

a mocking of authority,

有一種嘲弄權威的心理，

but on the other hand, there was a deference

但另一方面，

towards authority,

有一種對權威感的尊重。

and these Caribbean people

這些加勒比人

had an overbearing obedience towards authority,

有一種對權威跋扈的服從，

which is very striking, very strange in a way,

是一種非常引人注目、非常奇怪的方式，

because migrants are very courageous people.

因為移民者是非常勇敢的人。

They leave their homes. My father and my mother

他們離鄉背井。

我的父母親離開牙買家， 旅行 400 英里，

left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,

and yet they were infantilized by travel.

但是他們不擅長旅行。

They were timid,

他們很膽小，

and somewhere along the line,

在前往的過程中，

the natural order was reversed.

自然秩序被推翻。

The children became the parents to the parent.

父母的孩子變成父母。

The Caribbean people came to this country with a five-year plan:

加勒比人計劃在這國家待五年：

they would work, some money, and then go back,

工作、賺一些錢，然後回國。

but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,

但五年變成十年、十年變成十五年，

and before you know it, you're changing the wallpaper,

不知不覺中，你已經開始重新裝潢家裡，

and at that point, you know you're here to stay.

到那時候就知道你不離開了。

Although there's still the kind of temporariness

雖然我的父母親對這裡

that our parents felt about being here,

仍然抱持一種暫時居住的態度，

but we children knew that the game was up.

但是我們孩子都知道一切玩完了。

I think there was a feeling that

我感覺到

they would not be able to continue with the ideals

他們無法繼續過著

他們所期望的理想生活。

of the life that they expected.

The reality was very much different.

生活的真相是非常不一樣的。

And also, that was true of the reality

還有，

這是試圖教我的真相。

of trying to educate me.

Having started the process, my father did not continue.

在啟動教育的過程中， 我的父親沒有繼續參與。

It was left to my mother to educate me,

而是留給我的媽媽教育我。

and as George Lamming would say,

如同喬治雷明說的，

it was my mother who fathered me.

是我的母親盡了父親的責任。

Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:

即使在他缺席時， 他仍然惦記著口頭禪：

You are being watched.

你被監視著。

But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,

但是這種如此強烈的警備心會導致焦慮，

so much so that years later, when I was investigating

以至於在多年以後，

why so many young black men

當我正在調查為什麼這麼多年輕黑人

were diagnosed with schizophrenia,

被診斷為精神分裂症，

six times more than they ought to be,

比原本預期高出6倍。

I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,

聽到精神科醫生這麼說我不驚訝：

"Black people are schooled in paranoia."

「黑人都接受偏受偏執的教育。」

And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.

我很好奇大眼袋會怎麼想這論點。

Now I also had a 10-year-old son,

現在我也有一個 10 歲的兒子，

and turned my attention to Bageye

把我的注意力轉向大眼袋

and I went in search of him.

並且去找他。

He was back in Luton, he was now 82,

他回到盧頓，他現在 82 歲，

and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,

我已經 30 幾年沒有看過他，

and when he opened the door,

當他開門時，

I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,

我看見這個小小的男人 帶著一雙幽幽微笑的眼睛，

and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.

他在微笑，而我從來沒有看過他微笑。

I was very disconcerted by that.

我對這點感到很不自在。

But we sat down, and he had a Caribbean friend with him,

但是我們和他一個加勒比朋友坐下來，

talking some old time talk,

談著一些過去的往事，

and my father would look at me,

我的爸爸會看著我，

and he looked at me as if I would

他看我的樣子，

miraculously disappear as I had arisen.

好像是我出現後會奇蹟般消失。

And he turned to his friend, and he said,

他轉向他的朋友，然後他說：

"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,

「這個男孩和我有很深、很深的連結，

deep, deep connection."

很深、很深的連結。」

But I never felt that connection.

但是我從來沒有感覺到那個連結。

If there was a pulse, it was very weak

那連結如果有脈動， 那也非常微弱

or hardly at all.

或幾乎根本沒有。

And I almost felt in the course of that reunion

我幾乎覺得團聚的過程中

that I was auditioning to be my father's son.

我在試鏡擔任我父親的兒子。

When the book came out,

當書出版時，

it had fair reviews in the national papers,

它在全國報紙有不錯的評論，

but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,

但在盧頓，報紙的選擇不是衛報，

it's the Luton News,

是盧頓報。

and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,

盧頓報標題抖大地形容這本書：

"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."

「可以療癒 32 年分裂的書」。

And I understood that could also represent

我了解到這也可能代表

the rift between one generation and the next,

這一代和下一代之間的裂痕，

between people like me and my father's generation,

也就是我和我父親之間的裂痕。

but there's no tradition in Caribbean life

但是加勒比人

of memoirs or biographies.

並沒有寫回憶錄或傳記的傳統。

It was a tradition that you didn't chat about your business in public.

不在公共場合談論私事才是傳統。

But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,

但是實際上，我樂意看到那樣的標題。

我認為，沒錯，這有可能

there is a possibility that this

will open up conversations that we'd never had before.

開啟一個我們從來未曾有過的交談。

This will close the generation gap, perhaps.

也許，這將結束世代間的代溝，

This could be an instrument of repair.

這可能是一種修復工具。

And I even began to feel that this book

我甚至開始覺得

may be perceived by my father

我父親可能會認為這本書

as an act of filial devotion.

是種孝順的行為。

Poor, deluded fool.

我真是可憐受騙的小傻瓜。

Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be

大眼袋認為自己的缺點被公開

the public airing of his shortcomings.

而覺得被捅了一刀，

He was stung by my betrayal,

他被我的背叛刺傷。

and he went to the newspapers the next day

隔天他去了報社

and demanded a right of reply,

並要求答覆的權利，

and he got it with the headline

他秀出標題：

"Bageye Bites Back."

「大眼袋反擊。」

And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.

這是我的背叛引人注目的敘述。

I was no son of his.

我不是他的孩子。

He recognized in his mind that his colors

他認為他的聲譽受到了玷污，

had been dragged through the mud, and he couldn't allow that.

他無法接受這件事情。

He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,

他必須修復他的尊嚴， 而且他真的那麼做了，

and initially, although I was disappointed,

一開始我雖然很失望，

I grew to admire that stance.

但我漸漸欣賞這個立場。

There was still fire bubbling through his veins,

即使他已經 82 歲，

even though he was 82 years old.

仍然熱血沸騰。

And if it meant that we would now return

如果這意謂著

to 30 years of silence,

我們現在就回到 30 年的沉默，

my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."

我的父親會說： 「如果是這樣，那就是了。」

Jamaicans will tell you that there's no such thing as facts,

牙買加人會說，根本沒有所謂的事實，

there are only versions.

只有版本。

We all tell ourselves the versions of the story

我們都在訴說

that we can best live with.

可依循的最佳故事版本。

Each generation builds up an edifice

每一代都在建造一個

which they are reluctant or sometimes unable

他們不願或有時無法拆缷的

to disassemble,

一棟宏偉建築，

but in the writing, my version of the story

但是在寫作時，我的故事版本

began to change,

開始改變，

and it was detached from me.

與我分割了。

I lost my hatred of my father.

我不再憎恨父親。

I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,

我不再希望他死或謀殺他，

and I felt free,

我覺得我自由了，

much freer than I'd ever felt before.

前所未有的自由。

And I wonder whether that freedness

我在想那份自由

could be transferred to him.

是否能轉移給他。

In that initial reunion,

在最初的重聚，

I was struck by an idea that I had

我突然想到

very few photographs of myself

我小時候

as a young child.

很少有自己的照片。

This is a photograph of me,

這是我的照片，

nine months old.

九個月大。

In the original photograph,

在原始的照片中，

I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,

我的父親大眼袋舉起我，

but when my parents separated, my mother

但是當我的父母分居時，

我的母親把他從我們的生活中刪除。

excised him from all aspects of our lives.

She took a pair of scissors and cut him out of every photograph,

她用剪刀把照片裡的他通通剪掉。

and for years, I told myself the truth of this photograph

多年來，我告訴自己 這張照片的真相是

was that you are alone,

我是自己一個人，

you are unsupported.

我是不被支持的。

But there's another way of looking at this photograph.

但可以用另一種方式看這張照片。

This is a photograph that has the potential

這是一張

for a reunion,

可能重聚的照片，

a potential to be reunited with my father,

一個與父親重聚的潛在機會。

and in my yearning to be held up by my father,

我冀望父親把我舉起時，

I held him up to the light.

其實是我將他舉到聚光燈前。

In that first reunion,

在第一次的重聚，

it was very awkward and tense moments,

是很尷尬和緊張的時刻，

and to lessen the tension,

為了減輕緊張，

we decided to go for a walk.

我們決定去散步。

And as we walked, I was struck

當我們在散步時，

我震驚的是雖然我的身高比父親高

that I had reverted to being the child

even though I was now towering above my father.

我變回了一個小孩。

I was almost a foot taller than my father.

我比父親幾乎高一英呎。

He was still the big man,

他仍然是一個大男人，

and I tried to match his step.

我試著跟上他的腳步。

And I realized that he was walking

我察覺他在走路

as if he was still under observation,

彷彿仍然被監視著，

but I admired his walk.

但是我欣賞他的走路方式。

He walked like a man

他走路像一個男人，

on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final

像世足盃總決賽失敗的一方

mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.

走向階梯收集他的慰問獎章。

There was dignity in defeat.

失敗中流露出尊嚴。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）