Sherwin Nuland: How electroshock therapy changed me

Prevoditelj: Senzos Osijek Recezent: Ivan Stamenković

I'd like to do pretty much what I did the first time,

Volio bih učiniti otprilike isto što sam učinio i prvi put,

which is to choose a lighthearted theme.

što je bilo izabrati laganu temu.

Last time, I talked about death and dying.

Prošli put, govorio sam o smrti i umiranju.

(Laughter)

This time, I'm going to talk about mental illness.

Ovaj put, govorit ću o psihičkim bolestima.

(Laughter)

But it has to be technological,

Ali mora biti tehnološko,

so I'll talk about electroshock therapy.

tako da ću pričati o terapiji elektrošokovima. (Smijeh)

(Laughter)

You know, ever since man had any notion

Znate, otkad je čovjek primjetio

that some of his other people, his colleagues,

da bi neki od njegovih ljudi, njegovih kolega,

could be different, could be strange, could be severely depressed

mogli biti drugačiji, mogli biti čudni, mogli biti strašno depresivni

or what we now recognize as schizophrenia,

ili imati ono što danas prepoznajemo kao shizofreniju,

he was certain that this kind of illness had to come from evil spirits

bio je siguran da su ovakve vrste bolesti

morale doći od zlih duhova koji su ušli u tijelo.

getting into the body.

So the way of treating these diseases in early times

Tako da je način liječenja ovakvih bolesti

u ranim vremenima bio, na jedan način ili drugi,

was to, in some way or other, exorcise those evil spirits.

istjerivanje tih zlih duhova, a to se još nastavlja, kao što znate.

And this is still going on, as you know.

But it wasn't enough to use the priests.

Ali nije bilo dovoljno koristiti svećenike.

When medicine became somewhat scientific, in about 450 BC,

Kada je medicina postala donekle znanstvena, otprilike 450 g. pr. Kr.,

with Hippocrates and those boys,

sa Hipokratom i ostalim dečkima,

they tried to look for herbs, plants

pokušali su potražiti bilje, biljke

that would literally shake the bad spirits out.

koje bi doslovno istresle van zle duhove.

So they found certain plants that could cause convulsions.

Tako su pronašli određene biljke koje bi mogle uzrokovati grčeve.

And the herbals,

I knjige botanike do kasnog srednjeg vijeka,

the botanical books of up to the late Middle Ages, the Renaissance,

renesanse pune su recepata

are filled with prescriptions for causing convulsions

za uzrokovanje grčeva koji će istresti zle duhove.

to shake the evil spirits out.

Finally, in about the 16th century,

Konačno u otprilike šesnaestom stoljeću,

a physician whose name was Theophrastus Bombastus Aureolus von Hohenheim --

liječnik čije je ime bilo Theophrastus Bombastus Aureolus von Hohenheim,

called Paracelsus, a name probably familiar to some people here --

zvan Paracelsus, ime vjerojatno poznato nekim ljudima ovdje –

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)—dobri stari Paracelsus

good old Paracelsus --

found that he could predict the degree of convulsion

otkrio je da može predvidjeti stupanj grčenja

by using a measured amount of camphor to produce the convulsion.

korištenjem izmjerene količine kamfora za uzrokovanje grčeva.

Can you imagine going to your closet, pulling out a mothball

Možete li zamisliti da odlazite u svoj ormar, uzimate kuglice protiv moljaca,

and chewing on it if you're feeling depressed?

i žvačete ih ako se osjećate depresivno?

It's better than Prozac, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Bolje je od Prozaca, ali ne bih vam to preporučio.

(Laughter)

So, what we see in the 17th, 18th century

Ono što vidimo u sedamnaestom, osamnaestom stoljeću jest

is the continued search for medications other than camphor that'll do the trick.

neprestana potraga za lijekovima osim kamfora koji će postići taj cilj.

Well, along comes Benjamin Franklin,

Zatim dolazi Benjamin Franklin,

and he comes close to convulsing himself

koji i sam dolazi blizu grčeva

with a bolt of electricity off the end of his kite.

zbog groma na drugom kraju uzice njegovgo zmaja.

And so people begin thinking in terms of electricity to produce convulsions.

I tako su ljudi počeli koristiti elekricitet za uzrokovanje grčeva.

And then we fast-forward to about 1932,

Zatim ubrzavamo do otprilike 1932.,

when three Italian psychiatrists who were largely treating depression

kada trojica talijanskih psihijatara, koji su većinom liječili depresiju,

began to notice among their patients, who were also epileptics,

primjećuju da kod njihovih pacijenata, koji su također i epileptičari,

ako imaju epilepsiju – seriju epileptičnih napadaja,

that if they had a series of epileptic fits, a lot of them in a row --

puno njih zaredom – depresija bi vrlo često nestala.

the depression would very frequently lift.

Not only would it lift, but it might never return.

Ne samo da bi nestala, nego se možda ne bi ni vratila.

So they got very interested in producing convulsions,

Tako da su se jako zainteresirali za uzrokovanje grčenja,

measured types of convulsions.

izmjerenih vrsta grčeva.

And they thought,

I mislili su, „Imamo elektricitet, uključit ćemo nekoga u struju.

"Well, we've got electricity, we'll plug somebody into the wall.

To uvijek podiže kosu i ljudi se puno tresu.“

That always makes hair stand up and people shake a lot."

So they tried it on a few pigs, and none of the pigs were killed.

Pokušali su to na nekoliko svinja i nijedna svinja nije ubijena.

So they went to the police and they said,

Potom su otišli u policiju i rekli:

"We know that at the Rome railroad station,

„Znamo da na rimskoj željezničkoj stanici,

there are all these lost souls wandering around,

postoje sve te izgubljene duše koje lutaju uokolo,

muttering gibberish.

mrmljaju besmislice. Možete li nam dovesti jednoga od njih?“

Can you bring one of them to us?"

Someone who is, as the Italians say, "gagootz."

Nekoga tko je, kako Talijani kažu, „lud kao bundeva".

So they found this "gagootz" guy,

Tako da su pronašli tog „ludog kao bundeva“ tipa,

a 39-year-old man who was really hopelessly schizophrenic,

39-godišnjeg čovjeka koji je doista bio beznadan šizofreničar,

who was known, had been known for months,

poznat da mjesecima

to be literally defecating on himself,

doslovno prazni crijeva po sebi,

talking nothing that made any sense,

da priča besmislice,

and they brought him into the hospital.

i odveli su ga u bolnicu.

So these three psychiatrists,

Tako su ga ta tri psihijatra, nakon otprilike dva ili tri tjedna promatranja,

after about two or three weeks of observation,

laid him down on a table,

polegli na stol

connected his temples to a very small source of current.

i spojili njegove sljepoočnice na sasvim mali izvor struje.

They thought, "Well, we'll try 55 volts, two-tenths of a second.

Mislili su: „Pokušat ćemo s 55 volti, dvije desetine sekunde.

That's not going to do anything terrible to him."

To čovjeku neće napraviti ništa strašno."

So they did that.

Učinili su to.

Well, I have the following from a firsthand observer,

Ovo što ću vam reći doznao sam od promatrača iz prve ruke,

who told me this about 35 years ago,

koji mi je to ispričao prije 35 godina,

when I was thinking about these things for some research project of mine.

kada sam razmišljao o ovim stvarima

za jedan moj istraživački projekt.

He said, "This fellow" -- remember, he wasn't even put to sleep --

Rekao mi je, „Ovaj momak“ – zapamtite, nije bio čak ni uspavan –

"after this major grand mal convulsion,

„nakon ovog velikog grčenja,

sat right up,

sjeo je, pogledao te momke i rekao,

looked at these three fellas and said,

'Koji vrag vi gadovi pokušavate napraviti?'"

'What the fuck are you assholes trying to do?'"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

If I could only say that in Italian.

Kad bih barem to mogao reći na talijanskom.

(Laughter)

Well, they were happy as could be,

Oni su bili jako sretni, jer nije izgovorio jednu smislenu riječ

because he hadn't said a rational word in the weeks of observation.

tijekom tjedana promatranja.

(Laughter)

Tako da su ga ponovno uštekali,

So they plugged him in again,

and this time, they used 110 volts for half a second.

i ovaj put su koristili 110 volti po pola sekunde.

I na njihovo oduševljenje, nakon što je završilo,

And to their amazement, after it was over,

he began speaking like he was perfectly well.

počeo je pričati kao da je bio savršeno zdrav.

He relapsed a little bit, they gave him a series of treatments,

Malo je povraćao, dali su mu seriju tretmana,

and he was essentially cured.

i bio je u biti izliječen.

But of course, having schizophrenia,

Ali naravno, jer je imao šizofreniju,

within a few months, it returned.

nakon par mjeseci, ona se vratila.

But they wrote a paper about this,

Međutim, napisali su o tome rad

and everybody in the western world began using electricity

i svi su u Zapadnom svijetu počeli koristiti elektricitet

to convulse people who were either schizophrenic

da potresu ljude koji su ili šizofreničari ili jako depresivni.

or severely depressed.

It didn't work very well on the schizophrenics,

Nije imalo preveliko djelovanje na šizofreničare,

but it was pretty clear in the '30s and by the middle of the '40s

ali je bilo prilično jasno u tridesetima i do sredine četrdesetih

that electroconvulsive therapy was very, very effective

da je elektrošok terapija vrlo, vrlo učinkovita

in the treatment of depression.

u liječenju depresije.

And of course, in those days, there were no antidepressant drugs,

A naravno u tim danima nisu postojali antidepresivi,

and it became very, very popular.

stoga je postala vrlo, vrlo popularna.

They would anesthetize people, convulse them ...

Anestezirali bi ljude

i potresli ih, ali stvarna poteškoća bila je

But the real difficulty was that there was no way to paralyze muscles.

u tome da nije postojao način da se paraliziraju mišići.

So people would have a real grand mal seizure.

Tako da bi ljudi imali veliki napadaj.

Bones were broken; especially in old, fragile people, you couldn't use it.

Kosti bi se lomile. Osobito u starih, lomljivih ljudi,

metoda se nije mogla koristiti.

And then in the late 1950s, the so-called "muscle relaxants"

Zatim su u 1950-ima, kasnim 1950-ima, farmakolozi proizveli

were developed by pharmacologists,

takozvane mišićne relaksante,

and it got so that you could induce a complete convulsion,

i došlo je do toga da se moglo inducirati potpuno grčenje,

an electroencephalographic convulsion -- you could see it on the brain waves --

elektroenefalografičnu grčenje – moglo ga se vidjeti u moždanim valovima –

without causing any convulsion in the body

bez uzrokovanja grčeva u tijelu osim malih trzaja u nožnim prstima.

except a little bit of twitching of the toes.

So again, it was very, very popular and very, very useful.

Tako da je metoda ponovno bila vrlo, vrlo popularna i vrlo, vrlo korisna.

Well, you know, in the middle '60s, the first antidepressants came out.

Dakle, kao što znate, u ranim 60-ima

izašli su prvi antidepresivi. Tofranil je bio prvi.

Tofranil was the first.

In the late '70s, early '80s, there were others,

U kasnim 70-ima, ranim 80-ima, postojali su ostali

and they were very effective.

i bili su vrlo učinkoviti.

And patients' rights groups seemed to get very upset

I grupe za prava pacijenata činile su se uznemirenima

about the kinds of things that they would witness,

kakvim stvarima su svjedočili.

so the whole idea of electroconvulsive, electroshock therapy disappeared,

I tako je cijela ideja elektrokonvulzivne, elektrošok terapije nestala,

but has had a renaissance in the last 10 years.

ali je doživjela svoj preporod u zadnjih 10 godina.

And the reason that it has had a renaissance

I razlog zašto je doživjela preporod jest taj

is that probably about 10 percent of the people, severe depressives,

da je vjerojatno oko 10 posto ljudi, jako depresivnih,

do not respond, regardless of what is done for them.

nije reagiralo, bez obzira što se je učinilo.

Now why am I telling you this story at this meeting?

A sad, zašto vam pričam ovu priču na ovom sastanku?

I'm telling you this story because, actually,

Pričam vam ovu priču zato što zapravo još otkad

ever since Richard called me and asked me to talk about --

me je Richard nazvao i zamolio da pričam o ovome

as he asked all of his speakers --

-- kako je pitao sve svoje govornike --

to talk about something that would be new to this audience

da pričam o nečemu što će biti novo publici,

that we had never talked about, never written about.

o čemu nikada nismo pričali, nikad nismo pisali,

I've been planning this moment.

planirao sam ovaj trenutak.

This reason really is that I am a man who, almost 30 years ago,

Taj razlog je zapravo to što sam ja čovjek kojemu je,prije skoro 30 godina,

život spašen pomoću dvije dugačke terapije elektrošokovima.

had his life saved by two long courses of electroshock therapy.

And let me tell you this story.

I dopustite mi da vam ispričam ovu priču.

I was, in the 1960s, in a marriage.

Bio sam oženjen 1960-ih.

To use the word "bad" would be perhaps the understatement of the year.

Koristiti riječ loše bilo bi podcjenjivanje.

It was dreadful.

Bilo je očajno.

There are, I'm sure, enough divorced people in this room

Siguran sam, dosta razvedenih ljudi u ovoj sobi

to know about the hostility, the anger, who knows what.

poznaje to neprijateljstvo, bijes, tko zna što.

Being someone who had had a very difficult childhood,

A kako sam imao jako teško djetinjstvo,

a very difficult adolescence --

jako tešku adolescenciju --

it had to do with not quite poverty, but close.

radi se o ne baš siromaštvu, ali bilo je blisko tome.

It had to do with being brought up in a family where no one spoke English,

Radi se o odgajanju u obitelji gdje nitko ne priča engleski,

no one could read or write English.

nitko nije mogao čitati ili pisati engleski.

It had to do with death and disease and lots of other things.

Radi se o smrti i bolesti i još mnogo drugih stvari.

I was a little prone to depression.

Malo sam bio sklon depresiji.

So, as things got worse, as we really began to hate each other,

I kako su stvari postajale gore, kako smo se stvarno počinjali mrziti,

I became progressively depressed over a period of a couple of years

postao sam progresivno depresivan u periodu od nekoliko godina,

trying to save this marriage,

pokušavajući spasiti taj brak

which was inevitably not to be saved.

koji se nije mogao spasiti.

Finally, I would schedule -- all my major surgical cases,

Na kraju zakazivao bih -- sve svoje kirurške operacije,

I was scheduling them for 12, one o'clock in the afternoon,

zakazivao sam ih u 12, jedan sat poslije podne

because I couldn't get out of bed before about 11 o'clock.

zato što se nisam mogao ustati iz kreveta prije otprilike 11 sati.

Anybody who's been depressed here knows what that's like.

I svi ovdje koji su bili depresivni znaju kako je to.

Nisam mogao ni pokrivače pomaknuti.

I couldn't even pull the covers off myself.

Well, you're in a university medical center,

A u sveučilišnom medicinskom centru

where everybody knows everybody.

gdje svi znaju svakoga mojim kolegama sve je postalo kristalno jasno

And it's perfectly clear to my colleagues, so my referrals began to decrease.

tako da je moj status počeo opadati.

As my referrals began to decrease,

Kako mi je dobar glas počeo opadati

I clearly became increasingly depressed,

očigledno sam postao još više depresivan,

until I thought, "My God, I can't work anymore."

sve dok nisam pomislio, moj Bože ne mogu više raditi.

And, in fact, it didn't make any difference,

I zapravo se ništa nije promijenilo

because I didn't have any patients anymore.

jer više nisam ni imao pacijente.

So, with the advice of my physician,

Tako sam se uz savjet svoga liječnika,

I had myself admitted to the acute care psychiatric unit

prijavio u psihijatrijsku jedinicu akutne brige u našoj sveučilišnoj bolnici.

of our university hospital.

And my colleagues, who had known me since medical school,

I moji kolege, koji me poznaju još od medicinske škole

in that place, said, "Don't worry, Shep.

u tom mjestu, rekli su: „Ne brini, stari. Šest tjedana

Six weeks, you're back in the operating room.

i vraćaš se u operacijsku salu. Sve će biti u redu.“

Everything's going to be great."

Well, you know what bovine stercus is?

Pa znate što je goveđi izmet?

That proved to be a lot of bovine stercus.

Ispostavilo se da je to gomila goveđeg izmeta.

(Laughter)

I know some people who got tenure in that place with lies like that.

Znam ljude koji ostaju za stalno u tom mjestu s istim takvim lažima.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

(Laughter and applause)

So I was one of their failures.

Ja sam bio jedan od njihovih promašaja.

But it wasn't that simple,

Ali nije bilo tako jednostavno.

because by the time I got out of that unit,

Jer kada sam izašao iz jedinice, nisam mogao nikako funkcionirati.

I was not functional at all.

I could hardly see five feet in front of myself.

Jedva sam mogao vidjeti pet metara ispred sebe.

I shuffled when I walked. I was bowed over.

Šepao sam dok sam hodao. Bio sam pognut.

I rarely bathed.

Rijetko sam se kupao. Nekada se nisam brijao. Bio sam grozan.

I sometimes didn't shave.

It was dreadful.

And it was clear -- not to me,

I bilo je jasno -- ne meni

because nothing was clear to me at that time anymore --

jer mi ništa nije bilo jasno tada --

that I would need long-term hospitalization

da mi treba duža hospitalizacija

in that awful place called a "mental hospital."

u tom groznom mjestu koje se zove psihijatrijska bolnica.

So I was admitted, in the spring of 1973,

Primljen sam 1973.godine, u proljeće 1973.,

to the Institute of Living, which used to be called the Hartford Retreat.

u Institut življenja koji se prije zvao Hartford Retreat.

It was founded in the 18th century,

Osnovana je u osamnaestom stoljeću,

the largest psychiatric hospital in the state of Connecticut,

najveća psihijatrijska bolnica

other than the huge public hospitals that existed at that time.

u državi Connecticut, među ostalim velikim bolnicama

u to vrijeme.

And they tried everything they had.

I probali su sve što su imali.

They tried the usual psychotherapy.

Probali su uobičajenu psihoterapiju.

They tried every medication available in those days.

Iskušali su svaki lijek dostupan tih dana.

And they did have Tofranil and other things -- Mellaril, who knows what.

A imali su Tofranil i druge stvari – Mellaril, tko zna što.

Nothing happened except that I got jaundiced from one of these things.

Ništa se nije dogodilo osim što sam dobio žuticu od jedne od tih stvari.

And finally,

I konačno, kako sam bio dobro poznat u Connecticutu,

because I was well-known in Connecticut,

they decided they better have a meeting of the senior staff.

odlučili su da je bolje da se starije osoblje sastane.

All the senior staff got together, and I later found out what happened.

I starije osoblje se sastalo, a ja sam kasnije doznao što se dogodilo.

They put all their heads together,

Razmišljali su zajedno i zaključili

and they decided that there was nothing that could be done

da ne postoji ništa što bi se moglo učini

for this surgeon who had essentially separated himself from the world,

za tog kirurga koji se doslovno odvojio od ovog svijeta,

who by that time had become so overwhelmed,

koji je s vremenom postao poražen,

not just with depression and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy,

ne samo zbog depresije i osjećaja

bezvrijednosti i neprilagođenosti,

but with obsessional thinking,

već i opsesivnim razmišljanjem,

obsessional thinking about coincidences.

opsesivnim razmišljanjem o slučajnostima.

And there were particular numbers that every time I saw them,

I postojali su određeni brojevi koji bi me, kada bi ih vidio,

just got me dreadfully upset, all kinds of ritualistic observances ...

grozno uznemirili -- različiti načini rituala,

just awful, awful stuff.

jednostavno grozna, grozna stvar.

Remember when you were a kid, and you had to step on every line?

Sjećate se kada ste bili djeca i morali ste stati na svaku liniju?

Well, I was a grown man who had all of these rituals,

E ja sam bio odrastao čovjek koji je imao sve te rituale,

and it got so there was a throbbing, there was a ferocious fear in my head.

i došlo je do straha, došlo je do ogromnog straha u mojoj glavi.

You've seen this painting by Edvard Munch, "The Scream."

Vidjeli ste sliku Edvarda Muncha,

Vrisak. Svaki trenutak je bio vrisak.

Every moment was a scream; it was impossible.

So they decided there was no therapy, there was no treatment.

Bilo je nemoguće. Pa su odlučili da nema tretmana,

But there was one treatment,

nema tretmana. Ali postojao je jedan tretman

which actually had been pioneered at the Hartford Hospital

koji se zapravo počeo primjenjivati u Hartfordskoj bolnici u ranim 1940-ima

in the early 1940s,

and you can imagine what it was: it was prefrontal lobotomy.

i možete pretpostaviti što je to bilo. Bila je to prefrontalna lobotomija.

(Imitates a popping sound)

So they decided -- I didn't know this, again, I found this out later --

I odlučili su -- nisam to znao, ponavljam,

saznao sam to kasnije --

that the only thing that could be done

da je jedina stvar koja se može učiniti

was for this 43-year-old man to have a prefrontal lobotomy.

za ovog 43-godišnjaka prefrontalna

lobotomija.

Well, as in all hospitals,

Kao u svakoj bolnici, određenom je stažistu

there was a resident assigned to my case.

bio dodijeljen moj slučaj. Imao je 27 godina

He was 27 years old,

and he would meet with me two or three times a week.

i posjećivao me dva-tri puta tjedno.

And of course, I had been there, what, three or four months at the time.

I naravno, ja sam bio tamo, koliko, već tri-četiri mjeseca tada.

He asked to meet with the senior staff, and they agreed to meet with him,

Tražio je da se sastane sa starijim osobljem, i složili su se

because he was very well thought of in that place.

da se sastanu s njim jer je bio na dobrom glasu u tom mjestu.

Mislili su da ima odličnu budućnost.

They thought he had a really extraordinary future.

And he dug in his heels and said,

Bio je tvrdoglav i rekao:

"No. I know this man better than any of you.

„Ne. Znam ovog čovjeka bolje od vas. Susreo sam se s njim mnogo puta.

I have met with him over and over again.

You've just seen him from time to time. You've read reports and so forth.

A vi ga vidite s vremena na vrijeme. Pročitali ste izvještaje i slično.

I really honestly believe that the basic problem here is pure depression,

Stvarno iskreno vjerujem da je osnovni problem ovdje jednostavno depresija,

and all of the obsessional thinking comes out of it.

i sva opsesivna razmišljanja proizlaze iz toga.

And you know, of course, what'll happen if you do a prefrontal lobotomy.

A znate, naravno, što će se dogoditi ako napravite prefrontalnu lobotomiju.

Any of the results along the spectrum,

Sav spektar rezultata,

from pretty bad to terrible, terrible, terrible, is going to happen.

od poprilično lošeg do groznog, groznog,

grozno će se dogoditi. Ako rezultati budu dobri,

If he does the best he can,

he will have no further obsessions,

neće više imati opsesije, vjerojatno ni depresiju više,

probably no depression,

ali njegov učinak će biti otupljen,

but his affect will be dulled,

he will never go back to surgery,

nikada se neće vratiti operacijama,

he will never be the loving father that he was to his two children,

neće nikada biti onakav otac kakav je bio prema svojoj djeci,

his life will be changed.

njegov život će se promijeniti. Ako rezultati ispadnu normalni,

If he has the usual result,

he'll end up like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.'

završit će kao „Let iznad kukavičjeg gnijezda.“

And you know about that, just essentially in a stupor the rest of his life."

A znate kako to izgleda, jednostavno u mrtvilu do kraja svog života.”

"Well," he said, "can't we try a course of electroshock therapy?"

Rekao je: „Zar ne možemo pokušati serijom tretmana elektrošokovima?“

And you know why they agreed?

They agreed to humor him.

Znate zašto su pristali? Samo da ga umire.

They just thought, "Well, we'll give a course of 10.

Mislili su: „Dat ćemo mu seriju od 10

So we'll lose a little time. Big deal. It doesn't make any difference."

i izgubit ćemo malo vremena. Velika stvar. Neće biti nikakve razlike.“

So they gave the course of 10,

I dali su mi seriju od 10,

and the first -- the usual course, incidentally, was six to eight,

a prva -- obična serija, slučajno je bila šest do osam

and still is six to eight --

i još uvijek je šest do osam.

plugged me into the wires, put me to sleep, gave me the muscle relaxant.

Uključili su me u žice, uspavali me, uzrokovali opuštanje mišića.

Six didn't work. Seven didn't work. Eight didn't work.

Šest nije uspjelo. Sedam nije uspjelo.

Osam nije uspjelo. Na devetom, uočio sam --

At nine, I noticed --

i to je bilo čudesno da sam mogao primjetiti išta

it's wonderful that I could notice anything --

I noticed a change.

-- uočio sam promjenu. I pri deset primijetio sam pravu promjenu.

And at 10, I noticed a real change.

And he went back to them,

Otišao je natrag k njima, pristali su na još 10.

and they agreed to do another 10.

Again, not a single one of them --

Ponovo, nijedan od njih

I think there are about seven or eight of them --

-- mislim da ih je bilo sedam ili osam --

thought this would do any good.

nije mislio da će to poboljšati išta. Mislili su da je to bila privremena promjena.

They thought this was a temporary change.

Ali evo i gle, kod šesnaeste, kod sedamnaeste,

But, lo and behold, by 16, by 17,

there were demonstrable differences in the way I felt.

vidjela se očigledna promjena u načinu kako se osjećam.

By 18 and 19, I was sleeping through the night.

Kod osamnaeste i devetnaeste, spavao sam čitavu noć.

And by 20, I had the sense, I really had the sense,

I kod dvadesete imao sam osjećaj, imao sam stvaran osjećaj

da mogu prebroditi ovo,

that I could overcome this,

that I was now strong enough that by an act of will,

da sam sada dovoljno jak da mogu samom voljom,

I could blow the obsessional thinking away.

mogu maknuti ta opsesivna razmišljanja,

I could blow the depression away.

mogu maknuti depresiju.

And I've never forgotten -- I never will forget --

I nikada nisam zaboravio -- i nikada ni neću

standing in the kitchen of the unit --

-- stajao sam u kuhinji tog odjela,

it was a Sunday morning in January of 1974 --

bila je nedjelja ujutro, siječanj 1974.,

standing in the kitchen by myself and thinking,

stajao sam u kuhinji sam i razmišljao: „Sada imam snage da učinim ovo.“

"I've got the strength now to do this."

It was as though those tightly coiled wires in my head had been disconnected,

Kao da su se pokvarene žice u mojoj glavi isključile

and I could think clearly.

i mogao sam pravilno razmišljati.

But I need a formula.

Ali trebam formulu. Trebam nešto što ću si reći

I need some thing to say to myself

when I begin thinking obsessionally, obsessively.

kada počnem opsesivno razmišljati, opsesivno.

Well, the Gilbert and Sullivan fans in this room

Fanovi Gilberta i Sullivana u ovoj sobi

will remember "Ruddigore,"

sjetit će se „Ruddigore“ i sjetit će se Mad Margret,

and they will remember Mad Margaret,

and they will remember that she was married

i sjetit će se da je ona bila udana za momka

to a fella named Sir Despard Murgatroyd.

zvanog sir Despard Murgatroyd.

And she used to go nuts every five minutes or so in the play.

A ona bi poludjela otprilike svakih 5 minuta u predstavi,

And he said to her, "We must have a word to bring you back to reality,

i on joj je rekao, „Moramo imati neku riječ kojom ćemo te vraćati u stvarnost,

and the word, my dear, will be 'Basingstoke.'"

a riječ, draga moja, bit će: 'Basingstoke.'“

So every time she got a little nuts, he would say, "Basingstoke!"

I svaki put kada bi malo poludjela,

on bi izgovorio riječ: „ Basingstoke!“ a ona bi odgovorila:

And she would say, "Basingstoke, it is!" And she'd be fine for a little while.

„Da, Basingstoke.“ I bila bi dobro neko vrijeme.

(Laughter)

Well, you know, I'm from the Bronx. I can't say "Basingstoke."

Znate, ja sam iz Bronxa. Ne mogu reći: „Basingstoke.“

(Laughter)

But I had something better.

Ali imao sam nešto bolje. I bilo je dosta jednostavno.

And it was very simple.

It was, "Ah, fuck it!"

Bilo je: „Ah, jebiga.“

(Laughter)

(Smijeh) Mnogo bolje nego „Basingstoke,“

Much better than "Basingstoke,"

at least for me.

bar za mene. I radilo je -- moj Bože, radilo je.

And it worked! My God, it worked.

Every time I would begin thinking obsessionally --

Svaki put kada bi opsesivno razmišljao --

again, once more, after 20 shock treatments --

ponovno, još jednom nakon dvadeset terapija elektrošokom --

-- rekao bih: „Ah, jebiga.“

I would say, "Ah, fuck it."

And things got better and better,

I stvari su postajale bolje i bolje,

and within three or four months,

i za tri – četiri mjeseca,

I was discharged from that hospital.

otpušten sam iz te bolnice, pridružio sam se grupi kirurga

I joined a group of surgeons, where I could work with other people,

gdje mogu raditi s drugim ljudima u zajednici,

in a community, not in New Haven, but fairly close by.

ne u New Havenu, ali poprilično blizu.

I stayed there for three years.

Ostao sam tamo tri godine.

At the end of three years, I went back to New Haven,

I nakon tri godine vratio sam se u New Haven,

had remarried by that time.

ponovo sam se oženio za to vrijeme.

I brought my wife with me, actually, to make sure I could get through this.

Poveo sam svoju ženu sa mnom kako bih bio siguran da to mogu proći.

My children

Moja djeca su došla živjeti s nama.

came back

to live with us.

We had two more children after that.

Imali smo još dvoje djece nakon toga.

Resuscitated the career,

Karijera mi je bila oživljena, čak bolja nego prije.

even better than it had been before.

Went right back into the university

Vratio sam se odmah na sveučilište

and began to write books.

i počeo pisati knjige.

Well, you know,

Bio je to prekrasan život.

it's been a wonderful life.

It's been, as I said, close to 30 years.

I prošlo je, kako sam rekao, skoro pa 30 godina.

I stopped doing surgery about six years ago

Prestao sam operirati prije šest godina

and became a full-time writer, as many people know.

i sada pišem puno radno vrijeme, kao što mnogi znaju.

But it's been very exciting. It's been very happy.

Jako mi je je zanimljivo. Sretan sam.

Every once in a while, I have to say, "Ah, fuck it."

Ponekad moram reći „Ah, jebiga.“

Every once in a while, I get somewhat depressed and a little obsessional.

Ponekad postanem malo depresivan i malo opsesivan.

Nisam oslobođen svega toga. Ali funkcionira. Uvijek je funkcioniralo.

So, I'm not free of all of this.

But it's worked. It's always worked.

Why have I chosen,

Zašto sam odabrao,a nikada nikada nisam govorio o tome, sada govoriti?

after never, ever talking about this,

to talk about it now?

Well, those of you who know some of these books

Pa, oni koji znaju neke od mojih knjiga

know that one is about death and dying,

znaju da je jedna o smrti i umiranju,

one is about the human body and the human spirit,

jedna je o ljudskom tijelu i ljudskom duhu,

one is about the way mystical thoughts are constantly in our minds.

jedna je o načinu na koju su mistične misli neprestano u našim umovima,

And they have always to do with my own personal experiences.

i uvijek su povezane s našim osobnim doživljajem.

One might think reading these books --

Netko može pomisliti čitajući ove knjige

and I've gotten thousands of letters about them

-- a dobio sam tisuće pisama o njima

by people who do think this --

od ljudi koji to misle --

that, based on my life's history as I portray it in the books,

s obzirom na vlastitu životnu povijest koju sam prikazao u knjigama,

my early life's history,

povijest mog ranijeg života - da sam ja netko tko je nadišao probleme.

I am someone who has overcome adversity,

that I am someone who has drunk -- drank? -- drunk

Da sam netko tko je pio, pio i popio

of the bitter dregs of near-disaster in childhood

gorke ostatke bliske katastrofe u djetinjstvu

and emerged not just unscathed but strengthened.

i izašao iz toga ne samo neozlijeđen već i ojačan.

I really have it figured out

Da sam nekako sve shvatio, kako bih mogao savjetovati ljude o

so that I can advise people about death and dying,

smrti i umiranju, kako bih mogao pričati o misticizmu i ljudskom duhu.

so that I can talk about mysticism

and the human spirit.

And I've always felt guilty about that.

I uvijek sam se osjećao krivim zbog toga,

I've always felt that somehow I was an impostor,

uvijek sam osjećao da sam nekako prevarant

because my readers don't know what I have just told you.

jer moji čitatelji ne znaju ovo što sam sada vama rekao.

It's known by some people in New Haven, obviously,

Za to znaju neki ljudi u New Havenu, očigledno,

but it is not generally known.

ali to nije općenito poznato.

So one of the reasons that I have come here to talk about this today

Jedan od razloga zašto sam došao ovdje

kako bih ispričao ovo danas jest kako bih -- iskreno, sebično --

is to -- frankly, selfishly --

unburden myself and let it be known

lišio se tereta i dao na znanje

that this is not an untroubled mind that has written all of these books.

da nije um bez problema koji je napisao sve te knjige.

But more importantly, I think,

Još važnije, mislim,

is the fact that a very significant proportion of people in this audience

jest činjenica da je određen dio vas

u ovoj publici mlađi od 30 godina,

are under 30,

and there are many, of course, who are well over 30.

naravno, tu su i oni koji su stariji od 30 godina.

For people under 30,

Za ljude mlađe od 30, i čini mi se za skoro sve vas

and it looks to me like almost all of you, I would say all of you,

-- rekao bih svi vi --

are either on the cusp of a magnificent and exciting career

ili ste na početku velike i zanimljive karijere

or right into a magnificent and exciting career:

ili ste trenutno u velikoj i zanimljivoj karijeri:

anything can happen to you.

svašta vam se može dogoditi. Stvari se mijenjaju.

Things change.

Accidents happen.

Nesreće se događaju. Nešto iz djetinjstva se vrati i progoni vas.

Something from childhood comes back to haunt you.

You can be thrown off the track.

Možete biti zbačeni s puta.

I hope it happens to none of you,

Nadam se da se to neće dogoditi nijednome od vas,

but it will probably happen to a small percentage of you.

ali dogodit će se malom broju vas.

To those to whom it doesn't happen, there will be adversities.

Onima kojima se to ne dogodi, bit će nevolja.

If I, with the bleakness of spirit -- with no spirit --

Ako sam ja, s oslabljenim duhom,

bez duha kakav sam bio u 1970-ima,

that I had in the 1970s,

and no possibility of recovery

bez mogućnosti oporavka,

as far as that group of very experienced psychiatrists thought,

bar je grupa jako iskusnih psihijatara tako mislila,

if I can find my way back from this,

ako sam se ja mogao vratiti iz toga,

vjerujte mi, svatko može pronaći izlazak

believe me, anybody can find their way back

from any adversity that exists in their lives.

iz bilo kojeg problema koji postoji u njihovom životu.

And for those who are older,

who have lived through perhaps not something as bad as this,

A za one koji su stariji, koji su preživjeli

možda nešto ne tako loše kao što je ovo,

but who have lived through difficult times,

ali koji su proživjeli teška vremena,

perhaps where they lost everything, as I did,

možda su izgubili sve, kao ja,

and started out all over again:

i počeli od početka, neke od ovih stvari bit će im poznate.

some of these things will seem very familiar.

There is recovery.

Postoji oporavak.

There is redemption.

Postoji iskupljenje. Postoji uskrsnuće.

And there is resurrection.

There are resurrection themes

Postoje teme uskrsnuća u svakome društvu koje je bilo istraživano

in every society that has ever been studied,

and it is because not just only do we fantasize

i ne samo zato što maštamo

about the possibility of resurrection and recovery,

o mogućnosti uskrsnuća i oporavka

but it actually happens.

već se to stvarno događa. I događa se često.

And it happens a lot.

Perhaps the most popular resurrection theme,

Vjerojatno je najpoznatiji motiv uskrsnuća,

outside of specifically religious ones,

izvan onih posebno religioznih,

is the one about the phoenix, the ancient story of the phoenix,

onaj o feniksu, drevna priča o feniksu

who, every 500 years,

koji svakih 500 godina uskrsne iz svog pepela

resurrects itself from its own ashes

to go on to live a life

kako bi nastavio živjeti život koji je

that is even more beautiful than it was before.

čak i ljepši od prijašnjega. Richarde,

Richard, thanks very much.

hvala vam puno.