How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb | TED

翻译人员: psjmz mz 校对人员: Jiasi Hao

I'm going to start by telling you about an email

演讲的开始 我将会给你们分享一封

that I saw in my inbox recently.

我最近在收件箱看到的邮件。

Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox

我的收件箱比较特别，

because I'm a therapist

因为我是个心理咨询师

and I write an advice column called "Dear Therapist,"

而且我写着一个 叫《亲爱的咨询师》的建议专栏，

so you can imagine what's in there.

你也可以想象 收件箱里的会是什么。

I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters

我意思是，我阅读了 来自全球各地陌生人

from strangers all over the world.

的数千封非常私人的信件。

And these letters range from heartbreak and loss,

这些信件的内容包括 心碎和失去，

to spats with parents or siblings.

到与父母或兄弟姐妹发生口角。

I keep them in a folder on my laptop,

我把他们保存在 我电脑的一个文件夹里，

and I've named it "The Problems of Living."

命名为“活着的问题”。

So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this,

我收到这些邮件， 很多这样的邮件，

and I want to bring you into my world for a second

我想把你们带到我的世界片刻，

给你们读其中一封信件。

and read you one of these letters.

And here's how it goes.

内容大概是这样。

"Dear Therapist,

“亲爱的咨询师，

I've been married for 10 years

我结婚 10 年了，

and things were good until a couple of years ago.

直到几年前，一切都很好。

That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much,

那时我丈夫 没那么想和我做爱了，

and now we barely have sex at all."

现在我们几乎很少有性生活。”

I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

我相信你们没有预料到这内容。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

"Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months,

“昨晚，我发现在过去几个月中，

he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls

他一直在悄悄地 跟他办公室的一个女人

with a woman at his office.

打很长的深夜电话。

我搜索了她，她很漂亮。

I googled her, and she's gorgeous.

I can't believe this is happening.

我无法相信这发生了。

My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young

小时候我父亲和 他同事发生了外遇，

这让我们的家庭支离破碎。

and it broke our family apart.

Needless to say, I'm devastated.

不用说，我很伤心。

If I stay in this marriage,

如果我继续维持这段婚姻，

I'll never be able to trust my husband again.

我永远不会再相信我丈夫了。

但我不想让我的孩子 经历父母离异，

But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce,

stepmom situation, etc.

将他们推向继父/继母的等等艰难境地。

What should I do?"

我应该怎么办？”

Well, what do you think she should do?

你们觉得她应该怎么做？

If you got this letter,

如果你收到这封信，

you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is.

你可能会觉得 不忠是多么让人痛苦。

Or maybe about how especially painful it is here

或尤其考虑到 她不忠的父亲的过往，

because of her experience growing up with her father.

这是多么让人痛苦的事啊。

跟我一样，你可能会对 这个女士产生同情，

And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman,

and you might even have some,

你甚至可能有些，

how should I put this nicely,

我应该怎么说合适些，

let's just call them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband.

我们称其为 对她丈夫“不是很正面”的感觉。

当我阅读收件箱里的这些信件时，

Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too,

这些也是我脑海中的感觉。

when I'm reading these letters in my inbox.

But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters

但回复这些邮件的时候， 我需要非常小心，

because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story

因为我知道我收到的 每一封信件

是一位特别的作者写的故事。

written by a specific author.

这个故事的另一版本也会存在。

And that another version of this story also exists.

It always does.

总是如此。

And I know this

我知道这点

because if I've learned anything as a therapist,

是因为我从事咨询师学到了

it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives.

我们都不可靠地 叙述着自己的生活。

I am.

我就如此。

You are.

你们也是。

And so is everyone you know.

你们认识的每个人也如此。

Which I probably shouldn't have told you

或许我不应该告诉你这些，

because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk.

因为现在你们可能不会相信 我的 TED 演讲了。

Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead.

并非是我们有意误导。

Most of what people tell me is absolutely true,

大部分人告诉我的绝对是真的，

just from their current points of view.

但只是从他们的视角来看。

取决于他们强调或淡化什么，

Depending on what they emphasize or minimize,

what they leave in, what they leave out,

留下了什么，舍弃了什么，

what they see and want me to see,

看到了什么， 以及想让我看到什么，

they tell their stories in a particular way.

他们用一种特定的方式讲故事。

心理学家杰罗姆·布鲁纳 对此做了精彩的描述——

The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said,

"To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance."

“为了讲述一个故事， 人们不可避免地要采取一种道德立场。”

All of us walk around with stories about our lives.

我们所有人 都被自己的生活故事所包围。

Why choices were made, why things went wrong,

为什么做出选择， 事情为什么出错，

为什么我们这样对待某人——

why we treated someone a certain way --

because obviously, they deserved it --

因为很显然，他们自取的——

why someone treated us a certain way --

为什么人们要这样对我——

even though, obviously, we didn't.

即使我完全不应受到这种待遇。

Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.

故事是我们让生活 变得合理且有意义的方式。

But what happens when the stories we tell

但当我们讲述的故事

are misleading or incomplete or just wrong?

有误导性、不完整，或错误时， 会怎样呢？

Well, instead of providing clarity,

这些故事不仅没有 提供准确清晰的信息，

these stories keep us stuck.

反倒把我们困住了。

We assume that our circumstances shape our stories.

我们认定我们的环境 塑造了我们的故事。

But what I found time and again in my work

但在我的工作中， 我一次又一次地发现，

is that the exact opposite happens.

情况恰恰相反。

The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become.

我们叙述生活的方式 决定了生活的未来方向。

That's the danger of our stories,

这是我们故事的危险之处，

because they can really mess us up,

因为它们真的 可以把我们搞得一团糟，

but it's also their power.

但这也是它们的力量所在。

Because what it means is that if we can change our stories,

因为这意味着

若能改变我们讲述的故事， 我们即可改变生活。

then we can change our lives.

And today, I want to show you how.

今天，我想向你们展示如何做到。

Now, I told you I'm a therapist,

我告诉过你们我是个咨询师，

and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator.

我真的是， 我现在不是个不可靠的叙述者。

But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,

但如果，比方说，在飞机上，

and someone asks what I do,

有人问我是做啥的，

I usually say I'm an editor.

我通常说我是个编辑。

我这样说的部分原因是 如果我说自己是个心理咨询师，

And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist,

I always get some awkward response, like,

我总会得到一些 尴尬的回应，比如，

"Oh, a therapist.

“噢，一个咨询师。

Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"

你要对我进行心理分析吗？”

And I'm thinking, "A : no,

我会想：”首先，不会，

其次，我为什么 要在这里做心里分析？

and B: why would I do that here?

If I said I was a gynecologist,

如果我说我是妇科医生，

你还会问我是不是要 给你做盆腔检查吗？”

would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?"

(Laughter)

（笑声）

But the main reason I say I'm an editor

但我说我是个编辑的主要原因

is because it's true.

是因为这是真的。

所有咨询师的工作是帮助人们编辑，

Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit,

but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist

但我作为《亲爱的咨询师》这一特殊角色 的有趣之处是

is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person.

当我编辑时，我不仅为一个人编辑，

I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit,

而是在尝试教一群读者如何编辑。

通过每周使用一封信作为案例。

using one letter each week as the example.

So I'm thinking about things like,

所以我会思考这些东西，例如

"What material is extraneous?"

“什么资料是无关紧要的？”

"Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles,

“主角是在前进，还是在原地打转？“

are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?"

“配角是重要的，还是会分散注意？”

"Do the plot points reveal a theme?"

“这个情节是否揭露了一个主题？”

And what I've noticed

而且我注意到的是

is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes.

大部分人的故事 都是围绕两个关键的主题：

The first is freedom,

第一个是自由，

and the second is change.

第二个是改变。

And when I edit,

当我编辑时，

those are the themes that I start with.

这些是我开始的主题。

So, let's take a look at freedom for a second.

那么，让我们看下“自由”。

Our stories about freedom go like this:

我们关于自由的故事 往往是这样开始的：

we believe, in general,

我相信，总的来说，

that we have an enormous amount of freedom.

我们拥有很多自由。

Except when it comes to the problem at hand,

除了在面临手头问题的时候，

in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none.

这种情况下，突然之间， 我们感到没有自由。

Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right?

我们很多故事 都是关于被困住的感觉，对吧？

We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs,

我们感到被 我们的家庭，我们的工作，

our relationships, our pasts.

我们的关系，我们的过去 所囚禁。

Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation --

有时，我们甚至把自己禁锢 在自我鞭笞的叙述中——

你们都知道这些故事。

I know you guys all know these stories.

那个“每个人的生活 都比我的好”的故事，

The "everyone's life is better than mine" story,

这得归功于社交媒体。

courtesy of social media.

“我是冒充者”的故事， “我不够讨人喜欢”的故事，

The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story,

the "nothing will ever work out for me" story.

“我永远不会成功”的故事。

The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer,

那个“当我说， ‘嗨，Siri’，她没有答复，

意味着她讨厌我”的故事。

that means she hates me" story.

I see you, see, I'm not the only one.

我知道你们，看， 我不是唯一的一个。

The woman who wrote me that letter,

那个给我写邮件的女人，

she also feels trapped.

她也感到被困住了。

If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again,

如果她与丈夫待在一起， 她将永远不会再相信他，

but if she leaves, her children will suffer.

但如果她离开， 她的孩子会遭受痛苦。

Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example

有个漫画我认为真实呈现了

of what's really going on in these stories.

这些故事中真正发生的情况。

The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars,

这个漫画展现了一个 不断在摇动铁栏的囚犯，

desperately trying to get out.

拼命地想出去。

But on the right and the left, it's open.

但监狱的左右两边，是开放的，

No bars.

没有铁栏。

The prisoner isn't in jail.

这个囚犯不在牢笼里。

That's most of us.

那就是我们大多数人。

We feel completely trapped,

我们感到完全被困住，

stuck in our emotional jail cells.

困在情感的牢笼中。

But we don't walk around the bars to freedom

但我们不会绕着铁栏走走 来寻找自由，

因为我们知道这里有陷阱。

because we know there's a catch.

Freedom comes with responsibility.

自由伴随着责任。

And if we take responsibility for our role in the story,

如果我们要担负起 自己在故事中的角色的责任，

we might just have to change.

我们可能必须得改变。

And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change.

那就是另一个在故事中 常见的主题“改变”。

这些故事往往听起俩是这样的：

Those stories sound like this:

a person says, "I want to change."

一个人说，“我想要改变。”

But what they really mean is,

但他们真正的意思是，

"I want another character in the story to change."

“我想要故事中的另一个角色 做出改变。”

Therapists describe this dilemma as:

咨询师把这种窘境描述为：

"If the queen had balls, she'd be the king."

“如果皇后有种，她就是国王。”

I mean --

我意思是——

(Laughter)

（笑声）

It makes no sense, right?

这不就是废话嘛，对吧？

Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,

我们为什么不想让主角

who's the hero of the story, to change?

故事中的英雄，去改变？

Well, it might be because change,

这可能是因为

改变，即便是一个非常积极的改变，

even really positive change,

involves a surprising amount of loss.

涉及无法想象的损失。

Loss of the familiar.

失去熟悉感。

即便熟悉是不愉快或绝对悲惨的，

Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable,

at least we know the characters and setting and plot,

至少我们知道 故事的角色、背景和情节，

right down to the recurring dialogue in this story.

甚至是故事中反复出现的对话。

“你从来不洗衣服！”

"You never do the laundry!"

"I did it last time!"

“我上次洗了！”

"Oh, yeah? When?"

“哦，是吗？什么时候？”

明确地知道故事

There's something oddly comforting

about knowing exactly how the story is going to go

每次将如何发展，

every single time.

有一种奇怪的安慰感。

To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown.

谱写新的篇章 需要勇敢地探索未知。

It's to stare at a blank page.

是要盯着空白页。

And as any writer will tell you,

正如任何作家会告诉你的，

there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page.

没有什么比空白页更可怕的了。

But here's the thing.

但这是问题所在。

Once we edit our story,

一旦我们开始编辑我们的故事，

the next chapter becomes much easier to write.

书写下一章节就会变得容易多了。

We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves.

在我们文化中， 我们探讨了太多“要了解自己”。

But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself.

但了解自己的一部分 是“生疏自己”。

To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself

放下你一直告诉自己的 一个故事版本，

这样你才能够去过你的生活，

so that you can live your life,

and not the story that you've been telling yourself

而不是过 你告诉自己的故事里的生活。

about your life.

And that's how we walk around those bars.

这就是我们跨越铁栏的方式。

So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair.

于是我想要回到 那个女士关于外遇的邮件，

She asked me what she should do.

她问我她应该怎么做。

Now, I have this word taped up in my office:

我把这个短句 贴在了我的办公室：

ultracrepidarianism.

没有知识的意见是危险的 （ultracrepidarianism）。

The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence.

在自己知识或能力范围之外 提供建议或意见的习惯。

It's a great word, right?

这是个很棒的词，对吧？

You can use it in all different contexts,

你可以在所有不同的语境中使用它，

I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk.

我确定你会 在这个 TED 演讲后使用它。

I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist,

我用它是因为 它提醒我作为治疗师，

I can help people to sort out what they want to do,

我可以帮助人们理清 他们想要做的事情，

but I can't make their life choices for them.

但我不能为他们的人生做决定。

Only you can write your story,

只有你，才能书写你的故事。

and all you need are some tools.

然而你所需要的 是一些工具。

So what I want to do

所以我想要做的

is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here,

是在这里 一起编辑这位女士的来信，

as a way to show how we can all revise our stories.

来展示我们能够 如何修正我们的故事。

And I want to start by asking you

我想从让你们想一个

to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now

你们告诉自己的，

that might not be serving you well.

但却对自己毫无益处的故事开始。

It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing,

它可能有关你所处的周遭环境，

it might be about a person in your life,

可以是你生活中关于某个人的，

it might even be about yourself.

甚至可以是关于你自己的。

And I want you to look at the supporting characters.

并且我想让你们看看配角。

Who are the people who are helping you

是谁在帮助你

to uphold the wrong version of this story?

支撑着这个错误版本的故事？

For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter

比如，倘若那个给我写信的女士

told her friends what happened,

告诉她朋友发生了什么，

她们可能会给她提供 所谓的“白痴同情”建议。

they would probably offer her what's called "idiot compassion."

现在，带着愚蠢的同情心， 我们跟着故事走，

Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story,

we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"

我们说，“你说的对，这不公平，”

当一个朋友告诉我们 他没有得到他想要的升职，

when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted,

即便我们知道 这已发生过多次，

even though we know this has happened several times before

因为他并没有真正在努力工作，

because he doesn't really put in the effort,

并且他可能还偷办公用品。

and he probably also steals office supplies.

（笑声）

(Laughter)

We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"

我们说，“是的， 你说的对，他是个混蛋，”

when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her,

当一个朋友告诉我们 她男朋友和她分手了，

even though we know that there are certain ways

尽管我们知道

她在恋情中的一些行为，

she tends to behave in relationships,

like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers,

比如不停地发短信 或者翻他的抽屉，

that tend to lead to this outcome.

容易导致这种结果。

We see the problem, it's like,

我们能看到问题，这有点像，

如果你去的每个酒吧 都有打架场面发生的话，

if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to,

it might be you.

那可能是你的问题。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion,

要成为好的编辑， 我们需要提供明智的同情，

not just to our friends, but to ourselves.

不仅对我们的朋友， 而且对我们自己。

This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be --

这就是所谓的—— 专业名词为——

“传递同情的真相炸弹”。

"delivering compassionate truth bombs."

这些真相炸弹是具有同情的，

And these truth bombs are compassionate,

because they help us to see what we've left out of the story.

因为它们帮助我们看见 我们在故事中遗漏的东西。

The truth is,

真相是，

我们不知道 这位女士的丈夫是否出轨，

we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair,

or why their sex life changed two years ago,

或者为什么他们的性生活 在两年前发生了改变，

or what those late-night phone calls are really about.

或者这些深夜电话 真正是因为什么。

And it might be that because of her history,

这还可能是由于她的过去，

she's writing a singular story of betrayal,

她在写仅仅关于背叛的故事，

but there's probably something else

但可能也有其他事情，

that she's not willing to let me, in her letter,

她在邮件中不想让我

or maybe even herself, to see.

或者甚至她自己，看见的。

It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test.

就像在做罗夏克墨渍测验的人。

You all know what Rorschach tests are?

你们都知道 罗夏克墨渍测验是什么吧？

A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that,

一个心理学家给你看一些墨迹， 比如这样的，

and asks, "What do you see?"

之后问你，“你看见了什么？”

So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says,

于是这个人看着他的墨迹说，

"Well, I definitely don't see blood."

“好吧，我确定没有看见血。”

And the examiner says,

于是检测人员说，

"Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see."

“好的，告诉我 你绝对没看见什么其他东西。”

In writing, this is called point of view.

在写作中，这被称为视角。

What is the narrator not willing to see?

叙述者不愿意看见什么？

So, I want to read you one more letter.

所以，我想要给你们再读一封信。

And it goes like this.

它是这样的。

"Dear Therapist,

“亲爱的咨询师，

I need help with my wife.

我跟我妻子需要帮助。

Lately, everything I do irritates her,

最近，我做的每件事都让她生气，

even small things, like the noise I make when I chew.

即便很小的事情， 比如我咀嚼的声音。

At breakfast,

早餐时，我注意到她甚至 偷偷地往我的麦片里加牛奶，

I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola

so it won't be as crunchy."

所以它不会那么脆。”

（笑声）

(Laughter)

"I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago.

“两年前在我父亲去世后，

我感到她对我来说 变得越加重要了。

I was very close with him,

我曾跟父亲非常亲近，

and her father left when she was young,

她父亲在她很小时就离开了她，

so she couldn't relate to what I was going through.

所以她无法理解我所经历的一切。

There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago,

我的一个同事朋友， 她父亲在几个月前也去世了，

and who understands my grief.

她能理解我的悲伤。

I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend,

我真希望我可以像跟我朋友一样 和我妻子谈谈，

但我感觉她现在很难忍受我。

but I feel like she barely tolerates me now.

How can I get my wife back?"

我应该怎样 才能把妻子找回来呢？”

OK.

好了。

So, what you probably picked up on

所以你们可能注意到了

is that this is the same story I read you earlier,

这是我早先给你们读的同个故事，

just told from another narrator's point of view.

只是从另一个叙述者的 视角来讲的。

Her story was about a husband who's cheating,

她的故事是一个出轨的丈夫，

his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief.

他的故事是一个 无法理解他伤痛的妻子。

But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences,

尽管他们的故事有些差别， 但明显的是，

what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection.

这两个故事都是关于 对相处连接的渴望。

And if we can get out of the first-person narration

如果我们能跳出第一人称的视角，

and write the story from another character's perspective,

从另一个角色的视角 去书写故事，

suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic,

突然之间，另一个角色 就变得更让人同情了，

and the plot opens up.

故事情节也就此展开。

That's the hardest step in the editing process,

这是在编辑环节最困难的一步，

but it's also where change begins.

但这也是改变发生的地方。

What would happen if you looked at your story

如果你看着你的故事

and wrote it from another person's point of view?

并从另一个人的视角 来写同样的故事，会怎样？

What would you see now from this wider perspective?

从这更广阔的视角中 你现在会看到什么？

That's why, when I see people who are depressed,

这也是为什么， 当我看到人们沮丧时，

I sometimes say,

我有时候说： “你不是此刻跟你谈话的最好人选”。

"You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now,"

因为抑郁会以一种特定的方式 扭曲我们的故事。

because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way.

它缩小了我们的视角。

It narrows our perspectives.

The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected.

当我们感到孤独、被伤害， 或被拒绝时，也是一样。

We create all kinds of stories,

我们制造的各种故事，

distorted through a very narrow lens

被一个我们甚至不知道其存在的

that we don't even know we're looking through.

非常小的镜头扭曲。

And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters.

然后，我们就变成了 自己生活的假新闻主播。

I have a confession to make.

我得坦白。

I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you.

我刚读给你们的丈夫版本， 是我写的。

顺便，你们不知道 我花了多长时间

You have no idea how much time I spent

debating between granola and pita chips, by the way.

在麦片和皮塔饼之间挣扎选择。

我写这个是 基于我过去这些年所看到的

I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives

所有叙事故事的“替代版本”。

that I've seen over the years,

not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column.

不仅在咨询师的工作中， 而且也在我的专栏中，

When it's happened

当陷入同一情况中的双方

that two people involved in the same situation

have written to me, unbeknownst to the other,

在不知情的情况下， 同时给我写信

and I have two versions of the same story

我会有同个故事的两个不同版本

sitting in my inbox.

在我的信箱中。

That really has happened.

那真的发生过。

I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is,

我不知道这个女士的故事 另一个版本是怎样的，

but I do know this:

但我知道的是：

she has to write it.

她得写出来。

因为一个勇敢的编辑，

Because with a courageous edit,

她会给我写一封更细致入微的信。

she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me.

Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind --

即便她的丈夫有任何外遇——

and maybe he is --

也许他确实如此——

she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet.

她不需要知道情节是什么。

因为仅仅通过编辑，

Because just by virtue of doing an edit,

她会拥有很多 可能展开的情节。

she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become.

Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck,

有时，我看到人们真的被困住了，

and they're really invested in their stuckness.

他们极其投入于自己的停滞不前。

我们称他们为“拒绝帮助的抱怨者”。

We call them help-rejecting complainers.

I'm sure you know people like this.

你们肯定认识这样的人。

They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion,

他们是那些 当你试图给他们建议时，

他们这样拒绝：“对的，不行， 那不会有用，因为……”

they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..."

"Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that."

“是的，不行，那不可能 因为我不会那样做。”

“是的，我真的想要交更多朋友， 但人们实在太烦人了。”

"Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying."

（笑声）

(Laughter)

What they're really rejecting

他们真正拒绝的是

对他们悲惨和停滞的生活 进行编辑。

is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness.

And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach.

于是，对于这些人， 我通常采用不同的做法。

And what I do is I say something else.

我用的方法是说点不同的事情。

I say to them,

我跟他们说，

“我们都会死去。”

"We're all going to die."

I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now.

我打赌你很高兴 我现在不是你的咨询师。

因为他们回看我的样子

Because they look back at me

the way you're looking back at me right now,

就跟你们现在 看我的样子一样，

带着一脸的困惑。

with this look of utter confusion.

但我后来解释说有个故事

But then I explain that there's a story

that gets written about all of us, eventually.

最终是写我们所有人的。

这叫做讣告。

It's called an obituary.

And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness,

我说与其做自己 不幸福生活的作者，

我们要趁着还活着的时候， 去塑造这些故事。

we get to shape these stories while we're still alive.

在我们的故事中， 我们要成为英雄，而不是受害者。

We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories,

we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds

我们可以选择生活在 我们脑海里那一页，

and shapes our realities.

塑造我们现实。

我告诉他们生活是 在于决定我们要听什么故事

I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to

and which ones need an edit.

以及哪一个故事需要被编辑。

And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision

这值得我们努力去重新审视，

because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives

因为和生活品质相比， 没有什么事情

than the stories we tell ourselves about them.

比我们讲述自己的故事 更重要的了。

我认为， 当故事有关于我们的生活时，

I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives,

we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize.

我们应该瞄准 为自己颁发普利策奖的目标。

Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers,

现在，我们大部分人 不是拒绝帮助的抱怨者，

or at least we don't believe we are.

或者至少我们不相信自己是。

But it's a role that is so easy to slip into

当我们感到 焦虑、愤怒，或脆弱时，

when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable.

我们非常容易把自己带入这个角色。

So the next time you're struggling with something,

所以下次当你挣扎于某件事时，

remember,

记住，

we're all going to die.

我们都将要死去。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

And then pull out your editing tools

然后拿起你的编辑工具

and ask yourself:

去问自己：

what do I want my story to be?

我想要自己的故事是怎样的？

And then, go write your masterpiece.

然后，写下自己的大作。

Thank you.

谢谢。

(Applause)

（掌声）