How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb | TED

Prevoditelj: Nina Bassi Recezent: Sanda L

I'm going to start by telling you about an email

Počet ću tako što ću vam reći nešto o e-mailu

that I saw in my inbox recently.

kojeg sam vidjela u inboxu nedavno.

Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox

Imam poprilično neobičan inbox

because I'm a therapist

zato što sam terapeutkinja

and I write an advice column called "Dear Therapist,"

i pišem kolumnu za savjete koja se zove "Dragi terapeutu",

so you can imagine what's in there.

tako da možete zamisliti što je to.

I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters

Mislim, pročitala sam tisuće veoma osobnih pisama

from strangers all over the world.

stranaca iz cijelog svijeta.

And these letters range from heartbreak and loss,

I ova pisma idu od slomljenih srca i gubitaka,

to spats with parents or siblings.

do prepirki s roditeljima ili braćom i sestrama.

I keep them in a folder on my laptop,

Čuvam ih u datoteci na svom laptopu,

and I've named it "The Problems of Living."

koju sam nazvala "Problemi življenja".

So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this,

Dakle, dobijem taj e-mail, dobijem mnogo ovakvih e-maila,

and I want to bring you into my world for a second

i želim vas uvesti u svoj svijet na trenutak

i pročitati vam jedno od ovih pisama.

and read you one of these letters.

And here's how it goes.

Evo kako ide.

"Dear Therapist,

"Dragi terapeutu,

I've been married for 10 years

udana sam 10 godina

and things were good until a couple of years ago.

i stvari su išle dobro do prije nekoliko godina.

That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much,

Moj muž više nije htio sex toliko često,

and now we barely have sex at all."

a sada jedva da ga i ima."

I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

Vjerujem kako ovo niste očekivali.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months,

"Pa, sinoć sam otkrila kako unazad nekoliko mjeseci

he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls

potajno dugo telefonira navečer

with a woman at his office.

sa ženom iz svog ureda.

I googled her, and she's gorgeous.

Istražila sam je i prekrasna je.

I can't believe this is happening.

Ne mogu vjerovati da se ovo događa.

My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young

Moj je otac imao preljub s kolegicom s posla

kada sam bila mlada i to je razorilo našu obitelj.

and it broke our family apart.

Needless to say, I'm devastated.

Ne trebam ni reći koliko sam shrvana.

If I stay in this marriage,

Ako ostanem u ovom braku,

I'll never be able to trust my husband again.

nikada više neću moći vjerovati mužu.

But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce,

Ali ne želim da naša djeca prolaze kroz rastavu,

dobivaju pomajku itd.

stepmom situation, etc.

What should I do?"

Što da napravim?"

Well, what do you think she should do?

Pa, što vi mislite da bi ona trebala napraviti?

If you got this letter,

Da ste vi dobili ovo pismo,

you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is.

možda biste pomislili koliko je prevara bolna.

Or maybe about how especially painful it is here

Ili kako je posebno bolno u ovom slučaju

because of her experience growing up with her father.

zbog njezinog iskustva odrastajući s takvim ocem.

And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman,

I kao ja, vjerojatno biste osjećali empatiju prema ovoj ženi

and you might even have some,

i možda biste imali i,

how should I put this nicely,

kako da ovo lijepo kažem, nazovimo ih

let's just call them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband.

"ne tako pozitivne" osjećaje prema njezinom mužu.

Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too,

To su stvari koje prolaze i meni kroz glavu

kada čitam ovakva pisma u inboxu.

when I'm reading these letters in my inbox.

Ali stvarno moram biti pažljiva kada odgovaram na ova pisma

But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters

because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story

jer znam kako je svako pismo koje dobijem zapravo priča

written by a specific author.

napisana od strane određenog autora.

And that another version of this story also exists.

I kako postoji i druga verzija ove priče.

It always does.

Uvijek postoji.

And I know this

I ovo znam

because if I've learned anything as a therapist,

zato što ako sam naučila išta kao terapeut,

it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives.

to je da smo svi nepouzdani pripovjedači naših života.

I am.

Ja jesam.

You are.

Vi ste.

And so is everyone you know.

Kao i svatko koga poznate.

Which I probably shouldn't have told you

Što vam vjerojatno nisam trebala reći

because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk.

zato što sada nećete vjerovati mom TED govoru.

Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead.

Gledajte, ne mislim kako namjerno obmanjujemo.

Most of what people tell me is absolutely true,

Većina stvari koju mi ljudi kažu je potpuno istinita,

just from their current points of view.

ali s njihovog trenutnog stajališta.

Depending on what they emphasize or minimize,

Ovisno o tome što naglašavaju, a što minimaliziraju,

what they leave in, what they leave out,

što ostave, a što izbace,

what they see and want me to see,

što oni vide i žele da ja vidim,

they tell their stories in a particular way.

pričaju priče na poseban način.

The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said,

Psiholog Jerome Bruner ovo je prekrasno opisao, rekao je:

"To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance."

"Ispričati priču znači, neizbježno, zauzeti moralni stav".

All of us walk around with stories about our lives.

Svi mi hodamo okolo s pričama o našim životima.

Why choices were made, why things went wrong,

Zašto su izbori napravljeni,

zašto su stvari krenule krivo,

why we treated someone a certain way --

zašto smo nekoga tretirali nekako, zato što su zaslužili, naravno,

because obviously, they deserved it --

why someone treated us a certain way --

zašto nas je netko nekako tretirao,

even though, obviously, we didn't.

iako, naravno, mi nismo zaslužili.

Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.

Priče su način na koji mi dajemo smisao našim životima.

But what happens when the stories we tell

Ali što se dogodi kada su priče koje pričamo

are misleading or incomplete or just wrong?

obmanjujuće, nepotpune ili jednostavno krive?

Well, instead of providing clarity,

Pa, umjesto da nam razjasne stvari,

these stories keep us stuck.

ove nas priče drže ukopanima.

We assume that our circumstances shape our stories.

Pretpostavljamo kako naše okolnosti oblikuju naše priče.

But what I found time and again in my work

Ali ono na što neprestano nailazim u svom radu

is that the exact opposite happens.

je kako se događa upravo suprotno.

The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become.

Način na koji pričamo naše živote oblikuje ono što oni postaju.

That's the danger of our stories,

To je opasnost naših priča,

because they can really mess us up,

zato što nas zaista mogu uništiti,

but it's also their power.

ali isto tako i osnažiti.

Because what it means is that if we can change our stories,

Što to znači je da ako možemo promijeniti naše priče,

then we can change our lives.

možemo promijeniti i naše živote.

And today, I want to show you how.

A danas vam želim pokazati kako.

Now, I told you I'm a therapist,

Rekla sam vam kako sam terapeutkinja,

and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator.

i stvarno jesam, nisam nepouzdani pripovjedač.

But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,

Ali ako sam, recimo, u avionu,

and someone asks what I do,

i netko me pita što radim,

I usually say I'm an editor.

obično kažem kako sam urednica.

And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist,

A ovo dijelom kažem zato što ako kažem da sam terapeutkinja,

I always get some awkward response, like,

uvijek dobijem neku neugodnu reakciju kao:

"Oh, a therapist.

"Oh, terapeutkinja.

Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"

Hoćeš li me psihoanalizirati?"

And I'm thinking, "A : no,

A ja si mislim: "A: ne,

and B: why would I do that here?

i B: zašto bih to napravila ovdje?

If I said I was a gynecologist,

Da sam rekla kako sam ginekologinja,

would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?"

biste li me upitali hoću li vam pregledati zdjelicu?"

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

But the main reason I say I'm an editor

Ali glavni razlog zašto kažem da sam urednica

is because it's true.

je zato što je to istina.

Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit,

Posao svih terapeuta je pomoći ljudima da uređuju,

but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist

ali ono što je zanimljivo kod moje posebne uloge kao Dragi terapeutu

is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person.

je što kada ja uređujem, ne uređujem samo za jednu osobu.

I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit,

Nastojim naučiti cijelu grupu čitača kako da uređuju

koristeći jedno pismo svaki tjedan kao primjer.

using one letter each week as the example.

So I'm thinking about things like,

Razmišljam o stvarima kao,

"What material is extraneous?"

"Koji materijal je stran?"

"Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles,

"Kreće li se protagonist prema naprijed ili se vrti u krug,

are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?"

jesu li sporedni likovi bitni ili su smetnja?"

"Do the plot points reveal a theme?"

"Ukazuju li elementi u radnji na temu?"

And what I've noticed

I ono što sam primjetila

is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes.

je kako se priče većine ljudi vrte oko dvije ključne teme.

The first is freedom,

Prva je sloboda,

and the second is change.

a druga je promjena.

And when I edit,

I kada uređujem,

those are the themes that I start with.

to su teme od kojih polazim.

So, let's take a look at freedom for a second.

Pogledajmo slobodu na trenutak.

Our stories about freedom go like this:

Naše priče o slobodi idu ovako.

we believe, in general,

Općenito vjerujemo

that we have an enormous amount of freedom.

kako imamo ogromnu količinu slobode.

Except when it comes to the problem at hand,

Osim kada dođe do nekog problema,

in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none.

u kojem slučaju, odjednom, osjećamo kako je uopće nemamo.

Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right?

Mnogo priča je o tome kako se osjećamo zarobljeno, zar ne?

We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs,

Osjećamo se zatočeno našom obitelji, našim poslovima,

our relationships, our pasts.

našim vezama, našom prošlosti.

Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation --

Ponekad sami sebe zatočimo pričama o samokažnjavanju --

I know you guys all know these stories.

znam da svi znate ove priče.

Priča "Svačiji život je bolji nego moj",

The "everyone's life is better than mine" story,

zahvaljujući društvenim mrežama.

courtesy of social media.

The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story,

Priča "ja sam uljez", priča "nevoljen/a sam",

priča "ništa nikad neće upaliti za mene",

the "nothing will ever work out for me" story.

The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer,

"kada kažem, bok, Siri, a ona ne odgovori,

to znači kako me mrzi".

that means she hates me" story.

Vidim vas, vidite, nisam jedina.

I see you, see, I'm not the only one.

The woman who wrote me that letter,

Žena koja mi je napisala to pismo,

she also feels trapped.

ona se također osjeća zatočeno.

If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again,

Ako ostane sa svojim mužem, neće mu nikada više vjerovati,

but if she leaves, her children will suffer.

a ako ode, njezina djeca će patiti.

Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example

Postoji crtić za koji mislim da je savršen primjer

of what's really going on in these stories.

onoga što se događa u ovim pričama.

The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars,

Crtić pokazuje zatvorenika kako trese rešetke,

desperately trying to get out.

očajnički pokušavajući izaći.

But on the right and the left, it's open.

Ali s desne i s lijeve strane je otvoreno.

No bars.

Nema rešetki.

The prisoner isn't in jail.

Zatvorenik nije u zatvoru.

That's most of us.

To je većina nas.

We feel completely trapped,

Osjećamo se potpuno zatočenima,

stuck in our emotional jail cells.

zapetima u našim emocionalnim ćelijama.

But we don't walk around the bars to freedom

Ali ne zaobiđemo rešetke da dođemo do slobode

zato što znamo kako postoji kvaka.

because we know there's a catch.

Freedom comes with responsibility.

Sloboda dolazi s odgovornošću.

And if we take responsibility for our role in the story,

I ako preuzmemo odgovornost za našu ulogu u priči,

we might just have to change.

možda ćemo se morati promijeniti.

And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change.

A to je druga česta tema koju vidim u našim pričama: promjena.

Te priče zvuče ovako:

Those stories sound like this:

a person says, "I want to change."

osoba kaže: "Želim se promijeniti".

But what they really mean is,

Ali ono što zapravo misle je:

"I want another character in the story to change."

"Želim da se drugi lik u priči promjeni".

Therapists describe this dilemma as:

Terapeuti opisuju ovu dilemu ovako:

"If the queen had balls, she'd be the king."

"Da kraljica ima muda bila bi kralj".

I mean --

Mislim --

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

It makes no sense, right?

Nema smisla, zar ne?

Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,

Zašto ne bismo htjeli da se protagonist,

who's the hero of the story, to change?

koji je junak priče, promijeni?

Well, it might be because change,

Pa, možda zato što promjena,

even really positive change,

čak i veoma pozitivna promjena,

involves a surprising amount of loss.

uključuje nevjerojatnu količinu gubitka.

Loss of the familiar.

Gubitak poznatog.

Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable,

Čak i ako je poznato neugodno ili potpuno jadno,

at least we know the characters and setting and plot,

barem znamo likove, okolinu i radnju,

right down to the recurring dialogue in this story.

sve do ponavljajućih dijaloga u ovoj priči.

"You never do the laundry!"

"Nikad ne pereš veš!"

"I did it last time!"

"Ja sam zadnji puta!"

"Oh, yeah? When?"

"Stvarno? Kada?"

There's something oddly comforting

Postoji nešto utješno

about knowing exactly how the story is going to go

kada točno znamo kako će se priča odvijati

every single time.

svaki pojedini put.

To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown.

Pisati novo poglavlje znači upustiti se u nepoznato.

It's to stare at a blank page.

To je kao da gledate u praznu stranicu.

And as any writer will tell you,

I kao što će vam svaki pisac reći,

there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page.

nema ništa strašnije od prazne stranice.

But here's the thing.

Ali evo u čemu je stvar.

Once we edit our story,

Jednom kada uredimo našu priču,

the next chapter becomes much easier to write.

sljedeće poglavlje jednostavnije je za napisati.

We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves.

U našoj kulturi toliko pričamo o upoznavanju sebe.

But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself.

Ali dio upoznavanja sebe je prestati poznavati sebe.

To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself

Otpustiti verziju one priče koju ste si govorili

so that you can live your life,

kako biste živjeli svoj život,

and not the story that you've been telling yourself

a ne one priče koju ste si govorili

about your life.

o svom životu.

And that's how we walk around those bars.

I to je način na koji obiđemo te rešetke.

So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair.

Želim se vratiti na ženino pismo, na preljub.

She asked me what she should do.

Pitala me što bi trebala učiniti.

Now, I have this word taped up in my office:

Imam riječ koja mi je zalijepljena u uredu:

ultracrepidarianism.

ultrakrepidarijanizam.

The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence.

Navika davanja savjeta ili mišljenja koji su izvan nečijeg znanja ili sposobnosti.

It's a great word, right?

Odlična riječ, zar ne?

You can use it in all different contexts,

Možete je koristiti u raznim kontekstima,

sigurna sam da ćete je koristiti nakon ovog TED govora.

I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk.

I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist,

Ja je upotrebljavam zato što me podsjeća da kao terapeutkinja

I can help people to sort out what they want to do,

mogu ljudima pomoći posložiti ono što žele napraviti,

but I can't make their life choices for them.

ali ne mogu donijeti životne odluke za njih.

Only you can write your story,

Samo vi možete napisati vašu priču,

and all you need are some tools.

a sve što trebate su neki alati.

So what I want to do

Ono što želim napraviti

is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here,

je da želim da uredimo pismo ove žene zajedno, upravo ovdje,

as a way to show how we can all revise our stories.

kao primjer da vam pokažem kako svi možemo izmijeniti naše priče.

And I want to start by asking you

I želim započeti tako što ću vas zatražiti

to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now

da razmislite o priči koju trenutno sami sebi govorite,

that might not be serving you well.

a koja možda nije dobra za vas.

It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing,

Može biti o nekoj okolnosti u kojoj se nalazite,

it might be about a person in your life,

može biti o osobi u vašem životu,

it might even be about yourself.

može čak biti i o vama.

And I want you to look at the supporting characters.

I želim da pogledate sporedne glumce.

Who are the people who are helping you

Tko su ljudi koji vam pomažu

to uphold the wrong version of this story?

da podržite krivu verziju ove priče?

For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter

Na primjer, da je žena koja mi je napisala ovo pismo

told her friends what happened,

rekla prijateljima o tome,

oni bi joj vjerojatno ponudili ono što se naziva "idiotsko suosjećanje".

they would probably offer her what's called "idiot compassion."

Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story,

U idiotskom suosjećanju idemo uz priču,

we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"

kažemo: "Imaš pravo, to nije pošteno".

when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted,

Kada nam prijatelj/ica kaže kako nije dobio/la željeno promaknuće,

iako znamo kako se ovo dogodilo nekoliko puta ranije

even though we know this has happened several times before

zato što ne uloži trud,

because he doesn't really put in the effort,

and he probably also steals office supplies.

a vjerojatno i krade uredske zalihe.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"

Kažemo: "Da, u pravu si, budala je",

when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her,

kada nam prijateljica kaže kako je dečko prekinuo s njom,

even though we know that there are certain ways

iako znamo kako postoje određeni načini

na koje se ona ponaša u vezama,

she tends to behave in relationships,

like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers,

kao što su neprestano slanje poruka ili kopanje po ladicama

that tend to lead to this outcome.

koji dovode do ovog ishoda.

We see the problem, it's like,

Vidimo problem, to je kao

if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to,

da izbije tučnjava u svakom kafiću u koji idete,

it might be you.

možda je problem u vama.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion,

Kako bismo postali dobri urednici, moramo ponuditi mudro suosjećanje,

not just to our friends, but to ourselves.

ne samo našim prijateljima, nego i nama.

This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be --

To je ono što se naziva -- mislim kako je službeni izraz --

"delivering compassionate truth bombs."

"davanje suosjećajnih bombi istine".

And these truth bombs are compassionate,

A ove bombe istine jesu suosjećajne

because they help us to see what we've left out of the story.

zato što nam pomažu da vidimo što smo izostavili iz priče.

The truth is,

Istina je

we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair,

kako ne znamo ima li muž ove žene aferu,

or why their sex life changed two years ago,

ili zašto se njihov seksualni život promijenio prije dvije godine,

or what those late-night phone calls are really about.

ili o čemu su zapravo ti pozivi kasno u noć.

And it might be that because of her history,

I može biti kako zbog njezine povijesti,

she's writing a singular story of betrayal,

ona piše popularnu priču o izdaji,

but there's probably something else

ali je zapravo nešto drugo

that she's not willing to let me, in her letter,

što mi ne dopušta, u svom pismu,

or maybe even herself, to see.

a možda ni samoj sebi, da vidi.

It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test.

Kao tip koji polaže Rorschachov test.

You all know what Rorschach tests are?

Svi znate što je Rorschachov test?

A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that,

Psiholog vam pokaže mrlje tinte, izgledaju ovako,

and asks, "What do you see?"

i pita: "Što vidite?"

So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says,

Tako da tip pogleda u tu mrlju tinte i kaže:

"Well, I definitely don't see blood."

"Pa, definitivno ne vidim krv".

And the examiner says,

A ispitivač kaže:

"Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see."

"U redu, recite mi što još definitivno ne vidite".

In writing, this is called point of view.

U pisanju ovo se naziva stajalište.

What is the narrator not willing to see?

Što pripovjedač ne želi vidjeti?

So, I want to read you one more letter.

Želim vam pročitati još jedno pismo.

And it goes like this.

Ide ovako.

"Dear Therapist,

Dragi terapeutu,

I need help with my wife.

trebam pomoć sa svojom ženom.

Lately, everything I do irritates her,

U zadnje vrijeme je smeta sve što radim,

even small things, like the noise I make when I chew.

čak i male stvari kao što je buka koju radim dok žvačem.

At breakfast,

Za doručkom

sam primjetio kako mi potajno pokušava staviti više mlijeka u pahuljice

I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola

so it won't be as crunchy."

kako ne bi bile toliko hrskave".

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

"I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago.

"Osjećam kao da me kritizira otkako mi je otac preminuo prije dvije godine.

I was very close with him,

Bio sam jako blizak s njim

and her father left when she was young,

a njezin je otac umro dok je bila mlada,

so she couldn't relate to what I was going through.

tako da se ne može poistovjetiti s tim što ja prolazim.

There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago,

Postoji prijateljica na poslu

čiji je otac umro prije nekoliko mjeseci i koja razumije moju tugu.

and who understands my grief.

I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend,

Da barem mogu pričati sa ženom kao što pričam s prijateljicom,

but I feel like she barely tolerates me now.

ali osjećam kao da me jedva podnosi.

How can I get my wife back?"

Kako da dobijem svoju ženu natrag?"

OK.

OK.

So, what you probably picked up on

Ono što ste vjerojatno zaključili

is that this is the same story I read you earlier,

je kako je to ista priča koju sam vam ranije pročitala,

just told from another narrator's point of view.

samo ispričana s točke gledišta drugog pripovjedača.

Her story was about a husband who's cheating,

Njezina priča bila je o mužu koji vara,

his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief.

njegova priča o ženi koja ne razumije njegovu tugu.

But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences,

Ali ono što je nevjerojatno je to što uz sve razlike

what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection.

ono o čemu su obje ove priče je želja za povezivanjem.

And if we can get out of the first-person narration

I ako možemo nadići pripovijedanje u prvom licu

and write the story from another character's perspective,

i napisati priču iz perspektive drugog lika,

suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic,

odjednom drugi lik postaje suosjećajniji

and the plot opens up.

i radnja se otvara.

That's the hardest step in the editing process,

To je najteži korak u postupku uređivanja,

but it's also where change begins.

ali također i trenutak gdje počinje promjena.

What would happen if you looked at your story

Što bi se dogodilo kada biste uzeli vašu priču

and wrote it from another person's point of view?

i napisali je sa stajališta druge osobe?

What would you see now from this wider perspective?

Što biste sada vidjeli iz ove šire perspektive?

That's why, when I see people who are depressed,

Zato kada vidim ljude koji su u depresiji,

ponekad kažem:

I sometimes say,

"Nisi najbolja osoba za razgovarati o sebi u ovom trenutku",

"You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now,"

zato što depresija iskrivljuje naše priče na veoma poseban način.

because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way.

Sužava nam perspektive.

It narrows our perspectives.

The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected.

Isto je i kad se osjećamo usamljeno, povrijeđeno ili odbačeno.

We create all kinds of stories,

Stvaramo svakakve priče

distorted through a very narrow lens

iskrivljene kroz veoma usku leću

that we don't even know we're looking through.

kroz koju nismo ni svjesni da gledamo.

And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters.

A tada postajemo naši vlastiti prenositelji lažnih vijesti.

I have a confession to make.

Moram vam nešto priznati.

I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you.

Ja sam napisala muževu verziju pisma koje sam vam pročitala.

Nemate pojma koliko sam vremena potrošila

You have no idea how much time I spent

debating between granola and pita chips, by the way.

dvoumeći se između pahuljica i tortilja čipsa.

I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives

Napisala sam ga na temelju svih drugih priča

that I've seen over the years,

koje sam vidjela tijekom godina,

not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column.

ne samo u mojoj terapeutskoj praksi, nego i u mojoj kolumni.

When it's happened

Kada se dogodi

that two people involved in the same situation

da dvoje ljudi koji su uključeni u istu situaciju

have written to me, unbeknownst to the other,

pišu meni bez znanja onog drugoga,

and I have two versions of the same story

i ja imam dvije verzije iste priče

sitting in my inbox.

u mom inboxu.

That really has happened.

To se stvarno događalo.

I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is,

Ne znam koja je druga verzija ženinog pisma,

but I do know this:

ali znam ovo:

she has to write it.

ona je mora napisati.

Because with a courageous edit,

Zato što uz odvažno uređivanje

she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me.

napisat će precizniju verziju svog pisma koje je meni napisala.

Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind --

Čak i da njezin muž ima nekakvu aferu --

and maybe he is --

a možda i ima --

she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet.

trenutno ne mora znati koja je radnja.

Because just by virtue of doing an edit,

Zato što uz pomoć samog uređivanja

she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become.

imat će puno više mogućnosti za ono što ta radnja može postati.

Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck,

Nekad se dogodi da vidim ljude koji su stvarno zapeli

and they're really invested in their stuckness.

i stvarno investiraju u tu zakočenost.

We call them help-rejecting complainers.

Zovemo ih ljudima koji se žale i odbijaju pomoć.

I'm sure you know people like this.

Sigurna sam kako znate ovakve ljude.

They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion,

To su ljudi koji kada im pokušate dati prijedlog,

they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..."

odbiju ga s "Da, ne, to neće upaliti zato što..."

"Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that."

"Da, ne, to je nemoguće zato što ne mogu to napraviti".

"Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying."

"Da, stvarno želim više prijatelja, ali ljudi su tako naporni."

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

What they're really rejecting

Ono što stvarno odbacuju

is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness.

je uređivanje nihove priče tuge i zakočenosti.

And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach.

I tako, ovim ljudima pristupam drugačije.

And what I do is I say something else.

I ono što napravim je da kažem nešto drugo.

I say to them,

Kažem im:

"We're all going to die."

"Svi ćemo umrijeti".

I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now.

Sigurno vam je sada drago što nisam vaš terapeut.

Because they look back at me

Zato što me pogledaju

the way you're looking back at me right now,

na način na koji me vi sada gledate,

totalno zbunjeni.

with this look of utter confusion.

Ali onda im objasnim kako postoji priča

But then I explain that there's a story

that gets written about all of us, eventually.

koja se na kraju piše o svima nama.

It's called an obituary.

A zove se osmrtnica.

And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness,

I kažem kako umjesto da budemo autori vlastite nesreće,

we get to shape these stories while we're still alive.

imamo priliku oblikovati ove priče dok smo još živi.

Možemo biti junaci, a ne žrtve u našim pričama,

We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories,

we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds

možemo izabrati što ide na sljedeću stranicu koja je u našim umovima

and shapes our realities.

i oblikuje našu stvarnost.

I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to

Kažem im kako je život vezan za odluke koje ćemo priče poslušati,

and which ones need an edit.

a koje ćemo urediti.

And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision

I kako je vrijedno truda proći kroz reviziju,

because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives

zato što nema ništa važnije za kvalitetu naših života

than the stories we tell ourselves about them.

od priča koje si mi pričamo o njima.

I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives,

Kažem da kada dođe do priča o našim životima,

we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize.

trebamo ciljati na vlastitu Pulitzerovu nagradu.

Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers,

Većina nas nije netko od tih ljudi koji se žale a ne žele pomoć,

or at least we don't believe we are.

ili barem ne želimo vjerovati da jesmo.

But it's a role that is so easy to slip into

Ali je to uloga u koju je vrlo lako upasti

when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable.

kada se osjećamo nervozno, ljuto ili ranjivo.

So the next time you're struggling with something,

Tako da sljedeći put kada se borite s nečim,

remember,

zapamtite,

we're all going to die.

svi ćemo umrijeti.

(Laughter)

(Smijeh)

And then pull out your editing tools

I onda izvucite svoje alate

and ask yourself:

i zapitajte se:

what do I want my story to be?

Kakva želim da bude moja priča?

And then, go write your masterpiece.

A onda idite i napišite vaše remek-djelo.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Pljesak)