"Everything happens for a reason" -- and other lies I've loved | Kate Bowler | TED

Prevodilac: Ivana Krivokuća Lektor: Kristina Radosavljević

There is some medical news that nobody, absolutely nobody,

Postoje izvesne vesti o zdravlju koje niko, apsolutno niko,

is prepared to hear.

nije spreman da čuje.

I certainly wasn't.

Ja svakako nisam bila spremna za to.

It was three years ago that I got a call in my office

Pre tri godine sam primila poziv u kancelariji

with the test results of a recent scan.

sa rezultatima testa nedavnog pregleda.

I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.

Imala sam 35 godina i konačno sam živela život kakav sam želela.

I married my high school sweetheart

Udala sam se za svoju ljubav iz srednje škole

and had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.

i konačno sam zatrudnela nakon mnogo godina neplodnosti.

And then suddenly we had a Zach,

I onda smo odjednom dobili Zeka,

a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur,

savršenog jednogodišnjeg dečaka ili dinosaurusa,

depending on his mood.

u zavisnosti od njegovog raspoloženja.

And having a Zach suited me perfectly.

I baš mi je odgovaralo majčinstvo.

I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia,

Dobila sam prvi akademski posao na koji sam konkurisala,

land of a thousand crushed dreams.

u zemlji hiljadu slomljenih snova.

And there I was,

I tako sam ja

working at my dream job

radila na svom poslu iz snova

with my little baby

sa svojom bebicom

and the man I had imported from Canada.

i čovekom koga sam uvezla iz Kanade.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But a few months before, I'd started feeling pain in my stomach

Ali nekoliko meseci pre toga sam počela da osećam bol u stomaku

and had gone to every expert to find out why.

i išla sam kod svih mogućih stručnjaka da bih otkrila razlog.

No one could tell me.

Niko nije znao da mi kaže.

And then, out of the blue,

A onda, iz vedra neba,

some physician's assistant called me at work

pomoćnik nekog lekara me je zvao na poslu

to tell me that I had stage IV cancer,

da mi kaže da imam rak IV stadijuma,

and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.

i da treba odmah da dođem u bolnicu.

And all I could think of to say was,

Jedino što mi je palo na pamet da kažem je:

"But I have a son.

„Ali ja imam sina.

I can't end.

Ja ne mogu da nestanem.

This world can't end.

Ovaj svet ne može da nestane.

It has just begun."

Tek je počeo.“

And then I called my husband, and he rushed to find me

Zatim sam pozvala muža koji je pojurio kod mene,

and I said all the true things that I have known.

i izgovorila sam sve istine koje sam znala.

I said, "I have loved you forever,

Rekla sam: „Oduvek sam te volela,

I have loved you forever.

oduvek sam te volela.

I am so sorry.

Toliko mi je žao.

Please take care of our son."

Molim te, brini o našem sinu.“

And then as I began the walk to the hospital,

A onda, kada sam krenula u bolnicu,

it crossed my mind for the first time,

prvi put mi je palo na pamet:

"Oh. How ironic."

„O, kakva ironija.“

I had just written a book called "Blessed."

Samo što sam napisala knjigu pod nazivom „Blagoslovena“.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I am a historian

Ja sam istoričarka

and an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.

i stručnjak za ideju da se dobre stvari dešavaju dobrim ljudima.

I research a form of Christianity nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"

Istražujem oblik hrišćanstva zvani „jevanđelje napretka“,

for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.

zbog njegovog vrlo smelog obećanja da bog želi da napredujete.

I never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel.

Nikada nisam sebe smatrala sledbenikom jevanđelja napretka.

I was simply an observer.

Bila sam samo posmatrač.

The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward you

Jevanđelje napretka veruje da bog želi da vas nagradi

if you have the right kind of faith.

ako negujete pravu vrstu vere.

If you're good and faithful,

Ako ste dobri i imate vere,

God will give you health and wealth

bog će vam podariti zdravlje, bogatstvo

and boundless happiness.

i bezgraničnu sreću.

Life is like a boomerang:

Život je kao bumerang:

if you're good,

ako ste dobri,

good things will always come back to you.

dobre stvari će vam se uvek vratiti.

Think positively. Speak positively.

Mislite pozitivno. Govorite pozitivno.

Nothing is impossible if you believe.

Ništa nije nemoguće ako verujete.

I got interested in this very American theology

Zainteresovala me je ova vrlo američka teologija

when I was 18 or so,

kada sam imala oko 18 godina,

and by 25 I was traveling the country interviewing its celebrities.

i do 25. godine sam putovala zemljom da bih intervjuisala njena poznata lica.

I spent a decade talking to televangelists

Provela sam deceniju u razgovoru sa televangelistima

with spiritual guarantees for divine money.

koji su davali duhovne garancije za božanski novac.

I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hair

Intervjuisala sam bezbroj sveštenika iz megacrkava sa spektakularnom kosom

about how they live their best lives now.

o tome kako sada žive bolje nego ikada.

I visited with people in hospital waiting rooms

Posećivala sam ljude u bolničkim čekaonicama

and plush offices.

i luksuznim kancelarijama.

I held hands with people in wheelchairs,

Držala sam se za ruke sa ljudima u invalidskim kolicima,

praying to be cured.

moleći se da se izleče.

I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacations

Stekla sam reputaciju uništitelja porodičnih odmora

for always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.

jer sam uvek insistirala da me odbace kod najluksuznije megacrkve u gradu.

If there was a river running through the sanctuary,

Ako je tu reka koja protiče kroz oltar,

an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,

orao koji slobodno leti u dvorani,

or an enormous spinning golden globe,

ili ogroman zlatni globus koji se vrti,

I was there.

ja sam bila tamo.

When I first started studying this, the whole idea of being "blessed"

Kada sam počela da ovo izučavam, čitava ideja o „blagoslovenosti“

wasn't what it is today.

nije bila ono što je danas.

It was not, like it is now,

Nije, kao što je sada,

an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.

čitava liniju kućne robe „#blagoslovena“.

It was not yet a flood of "#blessed" vanity license plates and T-shirts

Još nije bilo poplava registarskih tablica, majica

and neon wall art.

i neonske zidne umetnosti „#blagoslovena“.

I had no idea that "blessed" would become one of the most common cultural cliches,

Nisam imala pojma da će „blagoslovena“

postati jedan od najčešćih kulturalnih klišea,

one of the most used hashtags on Instagram,

jedan od najčešće korišćenih haštagova na Instagramu,

to celebrate barely there bikini shots,

kako bi se slavile slike na kojima jedva da postoji bikini,

as if to say, "I am so blessed.

kao da se poručuje: „Toliko sam blagoslovena.

Thank you, Jesus, for this body."

Hvala ti, Isuse, na ovom telu.“

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I had not yet fully grasped the way that the prosperity gospel

Još nisam u potpunosti shvatila kako je jevanđelje napretka

had become the great civil religion,

postalo velika građanska religija

offering another transcendent account

koja nudi još jedno transcendentalno opravdanje

of the core of the American Dream.

suštine američkog sna.

Rather than worshipping the founding of America itself,

Umesto da odaje počast osnivanju Amerike,

the prosperity gospel worshipped Americans.

jevanđelje napretka je uzdizalo Amerikance.

It deifies and ritualizes their hungers,

Ono obogotvoruje i ritualizuje njihovu glad,

their hard work and moral fiber.

njihov naporan rad i moralni karakter.

Americans believe in a gospel of optimism,

Amerikanci veruju u jevanđelje optimizma,

and they are their own proof.

i sami su svoj dokaz.

But despite telling myself,

Ali uprkos što sam govorila sebi:

"I'm just studying this stuff, I'm nothing like them,"

„Ja ovo samo izučavam, uopšte nisam kao oni,“

when I got my diagnosis,

kada sam dobila dijagnozu,

I suddenly understood how deeply invested I was

odjednom sam shvatila koliko duboko sam zašla

in my own Horatio Alger theology.

u ličnu teologiju Horejšija Aldžera.

If you live in this culture, whether you are religious or not,

Ako živite u ovoj kulturi, bilo da ste religiozni ili ne,

it is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trap

izuzetno je teško izbeći upadanje u zamku

of believing that virtue and success go hand in hand.

verovanja da vrlina i uspeh idu ruku pod ruku.

The more I stared down my diagnosis,

Što sam više gledala svoju dijagnozu,

the more I recognized that I had my own quiet version

sve više sam uviđala da imam svoju tihu verziju

of the idea that good things happen to good people.

predstave da se dobre stvari dešavaju dobrim ljudima.

Aren't I good?

Zar ja nisam dobra?

Aren't I special somehow?

Zar nisam nekako posebna?

I have committed zero homicides

Počinila sam nula ubistava

to date.

do sada.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

(Applause)

(Aplauz)

So why is this happening to me?

Pa zašto mi se to dešava?

I wanted God to make me good

Želela sam da me bog učini dobrom

and to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.

i usput nagradi moju veru sa samo nekoliko sjajnih nagrada.

OK, like, a lot of shining awards.

U redu, mnogo sjajnih nagrada.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I believed that hardships were only detours

Verovala sam da su teškoće samo skretanja

on what I was certain would be my long, long life.

sa onoga za šta sam bila uverena da će biti moj dug, dug život.

As is this case with many of us, it's a mindset that served me well.

Kao što je to slučaj sa mnogima od nas, to shvatanje mi je dobro služio.

The gospel of success drove me to achieve,

Jevanđelje uspeha me je podstaklo na postignuće,

to dream big,

na velike snove,

to abandon fear.

napuštanje straha.

It was a mindset that served me well

Bio je to način razmišljanja koji mi je dobro služio

until it didn't,

sve dok više nije bilo tako,

until I was confronted with something I couldn't manage my way out of;

sve dok se nisam suočila sa nečim odakle nisam mogla da nađem izlaz,

until I found myself saying into the phone,

dok se nisam zatekla kako govorim u telefon:

"But I have a son,"

„Ali ja imam sina,“

because it was all I could think of to say.

jer mi je to jedino padalo na pamet da kažem.

That was the most difficult moment to accept:

To je bio najteži trenutak za prihvatanje:

the phone call, the walk to the hospital,

telefonski poziv, šetnja do bolnice,

when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospel

kada sam shvatila

da me je izneverilo moje lično jevanđelje napretka.

had failed me.

Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me --

Ništa što sam mislila da je dobro ili posebno u vezi sa mnom

nije me moglo spasiti -

my hard work, my personality,

moj naporan rad, moja ličnost,

my humor, my perspective.

moj humor, moja perspektiva.

I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls,

Morala sam da se suočim sa činjenicom da je moj život napravljen od papira,

and so is everyone else's.

kao i životi svih drugih.

It is a hard thought to accept that we are all a breath away

Teško je prihvatiti da sve nas samo jedan dah deli

from a problem that could destroy something irreplaceable

od problema koji bi mogao uništiti nešto nezamenljivo

or alter our lives completely.

ili potpuno nam promeniti život.

We know that in life there are befores and afters.

Znamo da u životu postoji pre i posle.

I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back,

Od mene stalno traže da kažem da se nikada ne bih vratila nazad,

or that I've gained so much in perspective.

ili da sam stekla vrednu novu perspektivu.

And I tell them no,

A ja im kažem ne,

before was better.

pre je bilo bolje.

A few months after I got sick, I wrote about this

Nekoliko meseci nakon što sam se razbolela,

napisala sam tekst o ovome i poslala ga uredniku „Njujork tajmsa“.

and then I sent it off to an editor at the "New York Times."

In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your life

Gledajući unazad, kada uzmete jedan od najranjivijih trenutaka u svom životu

and turning into an op-ed

i pretvorite ga u kolumnu,

is not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.

to nije sjajan način da se osećate manje ranjivo.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

I got thousands of letters and emails.

Dobila sam na hiljade pisama i mejlova.

I still get them every day.

I dalje ih svakodnevno dobijam.

I think it is because of the questions I asked.

Mislim da je to zbog pitanja koja sam postavila.

I asked: How do you live without quite so many reasons

Pitala sam: kako živeti bez naročitih razloga

for the bad things that happen?

za loše stvari koje se dogode?

I asked: Would it be better to live without outrageous formulas

Pitala sam: da li bi bilo bolje živeti bez preteranih formula

for why people deserve what they get?

o tome zašto ljudi zaslužuju ono što dobiju?

And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course,

Ono što je bilo tako smešno i tako strašno je, naravno,

I thought I asked people to simmer down

što sam mislila da sam zamolila ljude da malo smanje

on needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.

potrebu za objašnjenjem za loše stvari koje su se dogodile.

So what did thousands of readers do?

I, šta je uradilo hiljade čitalaca?

Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea that there had to be a reason

Da, pisali su mi da bi odbranili ideju da mora postojati razlog

for what happened to me.

za ono što mi se dogodilo.

And they really want me to understand the reason.

I oni zaista žele da razumem razlog.

People want me to reassure them that my cancer is all part of a plan.

Ljudi žele da ih uverim da je moj rak deo plana.

A few letters even suggested it was God's plan that I get cancer

Nekoliko pisama je čak sugerisalo da je božji plan da dobijem rak

so I could help people by writing about it.

da bih pomogla ljudima tako što ću pisati o tome.

People are certain it is a test of my character

Ljudi su sigurni da je to provera mog karaktera

or proof of something terrible I've done.

ili dokaz za nešto strašno što sam učinila.

They want me to know without a doubt

Žele da bez sumnje znam

that there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.

da postoji skrivena logika u ovom prividnom haosu.

They tell my husband,

Govore mom mužu,

while I'm still in the hospital,

dok sam još uvek u bolnici,

that everything happens for a reason,

da se sve dešava sa razlogom,

and then stammer awkwardly when he says,

a zatim nespretno mucaju kada on kaže:

"I'd love to hear it.

„Voleo bih da ga čujem.

I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying."

Voleo bih da čujem razlog za to što moja žena umire.“

And I get it.

Kapiram.

We all want reasons.

Svi želimo razloge.

We want formulas

Želimo formule

to predict whether our hard work will pay off,

koje će predvideti da li će se naš trud isplatiti,

whether our love and support will always make our partners happy

da li će zbog naše ljubavi i podrške naši partneri uvek biti srećni,

and our kids love us.

a deca nas voleti.

We want to live in a world in which not one ounce

Želimo da živimo u svetu u kome ni gram

of our hard work or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.

našeg truda, bola i najdubljih nada neće biti uzaludan.

We want to live in a world in which nothing is lost.

Želimo da živimo u svetu u kojem ništa nije izgubljeno.

But what I have learned in living with stage IV cancer

Ali ono što sam naučila kroz život sa rakom IV stadijuma

is that there is no easy correlation

je da ne postoji jednostavna korelacija

between how hard I try

između toga koliko se trudim

and the length of my life.

i koliko će moj život biti dug.

In the last three years, I've experienced more pain and trauma

U poslednje tri godine doživela sam više bola i traume

than I ever thought I could survive.

nego što sam mislila da mogu da preživim.

I realized the other day that I've had so many abdominal surgeries

Shvatila sam pre neki dan da sam prošla toliko operacija na stomaku

that I'm on my fifth belly button,

da trenutno imam peti pupak,

and this last one is my least favorite.

a ovaj poslednji mi se najmanje sviđa.

(Laughter)

(Smeh)

But at the same time, I've experienced love,

Ali istovremeno sam doživela ljubav,

so much love,

toliko ljubavi,

love I find hard to explain.

ljubav koju teško mogu objasniti.

The other day, I was reading the findings

Pre neki dan sam čitala nalaze

of the Near Death Experience Research Foundation,

Fondacije za istraživanja bliske smrti,

and yes, there is such a thing.

i da, postoji tako nešto.

People were interviewed about their brushes with death

Intervjuisali su ljude o njihovom dodiru sa smrću

in all kinds of circumstances:

u najrazličitijim okolnostima:

car accidents, labor and delivery,

u saobraćajnim nesrećama, pri porođaju,

suicides.

pri samoubistvima.

And many reported the same odd thing:

I mnogi su iznosili priču o istoj čudnoj stvari:

love.

ljubavi.

I'm sure I would have ignored it if it hadn't reminded me

Sigurna sam da bih to ignorisala da me nije podsetilo

of something I had experienced,

na nešto što sam doživela,

something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone:

nešto što mi je bilo neugodno da bilo kome kažem:

that when I was sure that I was going to die,

da, kada sam bila sigurna da ću umreti,

I didn't feel angry.

nisam osećala bes.

I felt loved.

Osetila sam se voljeno.

It was one of the most surreal things I have experienced.

To je bila jedna od najnadrealnijih stvari koje sam doživela.

In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God,

U trenutku kada je trebalo da se osećam kao da me je bog napustio,

I was not reduced to ashes.

nisam bila uništena.

I felt like I was floating,

Osećala sam se kao da lebdim,

floating on the love and prayers

lebdim na ljubavi i molitvama

of all those who hummed around me like worker bees,

svih onih koji su zujali oko mene kao pčele radilice,

bringing me notes and socks and flowers

koji su mi donosili beleške, čarape, cveće

and quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.

i jorgane sa izvezenim rečima ohrabrenja.

But when they sat beside me,

Ali kada su sedeli pored mene

my hand in their hands,

sa mojom rukom u svojoj,

my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me

počelo je da mi se čini da mi je moja patnja razotkrila

the suffering of others.

patnju drugih.

I was entering a world of people just like me,

Zakoračila sam u svet ljudi kao što sam ja,

people stumbling around in the debris

ljudi koji se spotiču u ruševinama

of dreams they thought they were entitled to

snova na koje su mislili da polažu pravo

and plans they didn't realize they had made.

i planova koje nisu shvatali da su pravili.

It was a feeling of being more connected, somehow, with other people,

Bio je to osećaj nekakve veće povezanosti sa drugima,

experiencing the same situation.

osećaj da prolazimo kroz istu situaciju.

And that feeling stayed with me for months.

Taj osećaj me je pratio mesecima.

In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to it

Zapravo, toliko sam se navikla na njega

that I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.

da sam počela da paničim zbog mogućnosti da ga izgubim.

So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked,

Zato sam počela da pitam prijatelje,

teologe, istoričare, monahinje koje su mi se dopadale:

"What I am I going to do when that loving feeling is gone?"

„Šta da radim kada taj divni osećaj nestane?“

And they knew exactly what I was talking about,

Znali su tačno o čemu govorim,

because they had either experienced it themselves

jer su to već i sami doživeli

or they'd read about it in great works of Christian theology.

ili su čitali o tome u velikim delima hrišćanske teologije.

And they said,

Rekli su:

"Yeah, it'll go.

„Da, nestaće.

The feelings will go.

Osećanja će nestati.

And there will be no formula for how to get it back."

I neće biti formule kako da ih povratiš.“

But they offered me this little piece of reassurance,

Ali ponudili su mi komadić sigurnosti

and I clung to it.

za koji sam se čvrsto držala.

They said,

Rekli su:

"When the feelings recede like the tides,

„Kada se osećanja povuku kao plima,

they will leave an imprint."

ostaviće za sobom trag.“

And they do.

I zaista je tako.

And it is not proof of anything,

To nije dokaz nečega,

and it is nothing to boast about.

i nije nešto čime se treba hvaliti.

It was just a gift.

To je samo dar.

So I can't respond to the thousands of emails I get

Ne mogu da odgovorim na hiljade mejlova koje dobijam

with my own five-step plan to divine health

svojim planom od pet koraka za božansko zdravlje

and magical floating feelings.

i čarobna osećanja lebdenja.

I see that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible,

Vidim da je svet potresen događajima koji su divni i užasni,

gorgeous and tragic.

prelepi i tragični.

I can't reconcile the contradiction,

Ne mogu da pomirim protivrečnosti,

except that I am beginning to believe that these opposites

osim što počinjem da verujem da se ove suprotnosti

do not cancel each other out.

ne poništavaju međusobno.

Life is so beautiful,

Život je tako lep

and life is so hard.

i tako težak.

Today, I am doing quite well.

Danas mi je prilično dobro.

The immunotherapy drugs appear to be working,

Izgleda da lekovi imunoterapije deluju,

and we are watching and waiting with scans.

i mi pratimo stanje i čekamo nalaze.

I hope I will live a long time.

Nadam se da ću dugo živeti.

I hope I will live long enough to embarrass my son

Nadam se da ću živeti dovoljno dugo da osramotim sina

and to watch my husband lose his beautiful hair.

i da posmatram supruga kako gubi svoju lepu kosu.

And I think I might.

Mislim da je to moguće.

But I am learning to live

Ali učim da živim

and to love

i volim

without counting the cost,

bez proračuna,

without reasons and assurances that nothing will be lost.

bez razloga i uveravanja da ništa neće biti izgubljeno.

Life will break your heart,

Život će vam slomiti srce,

and life may take everything you have

i može vam oduzeti sve što imate

and everything you hope for.

i sve čemu se nadate.

But there is one kind of prosperity gospel that I believe in.

Ali postoji jedna vrsta jevanđelja napretka u koju verujem.

I believe that in the darkness,

Verujem da će u tami,

even there,

čak i tu,

there will be beauty,

biti lepote

and there will be love.

i biti ljubavi.

And every now and then,

I s vremena na vremena,

it will feel like more than enough.

to će se činiti kao više nego dovoljno.

Thank you.

Hvala.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)