"Everything happens for a reason" -- and other lies I've loved | Kate Bowler | TED

譯者: Regina Chu 審譯者: Marssi Draw

There is some medical news that nobody, absolutely nobody,

有些健康檢查消息是沒有人，

絕對沒有人準備好要聽的。

is prepared to hear.

I certainly wasn't.

至少我沒有準備好。

It was three years ago that I got a call in my office

三年前，

我在辦公室接到一通電話，

with the test results of a recent scan.

通知我剛做過的掃描結果。

I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.

那時我 35 歲， 終於過著自己想要的生活。

I married my high school sweetheart

我嫁給從高中就開始交往的男朋友，

and had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.

多年不孕之後終於懷孕了。

And then suddenly we had a Zach,

然後突然我們就有了查克，

a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur,

完美無瑕的一歲男寶寶／恐龍，

depending on his mood.

看他那天的心情如何。

And having a Zach suited me perfectly.

有查克太適合我了。

I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia,

我拿到了之前申請 學術界的第一份工作，

land of a thousand crushed dreams.

那可是充滿了破碎的夢的地方。

And there I was,

我居然在那裡，

working at my dream job

做著我的夢想工作，

with my little baby

還有個小寶寶，

and the man I had imported from Canada.

還有我從加拿大進口的男人。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But a few months before, I'd started feeling pain in my stomach

但是幾個月前，我開始有點胃痛，

and had gone to every expert to find out why.

遍訪專家要找出原因。

No one could tell me.

沒有人能告訴我為什麼。

And then, out of the blue,

然後，晴天霹靂，

some physician's assistant called me at work

有位醫師助理 打電話到我工作的地方，

to tell me that I had stage IV cancer,

說我得了末期癌症，

and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.

還說我要立刻就醫。

And all I could think of to say was,

而我能想到要說的只有：

"But I have a son.

「可是我有個兒子。

I can't end.

我不能死。

This world can't end.

這個世界不能結束。

It has just begun."

它才剛開始。」

And then I called my husband, and he rushed to find me

然後我打電話給我先生， 他趕過來找我，

and I said all the true things that I have known.

我對他說了所有我知道的真話，

I said, "I have loved you forever,

我說：「我愛你愛了一輩子，

I have loved you forever.

我愛你愛了一輩子。

I am so sorry.

對不起。

Please take care of our son."

請照顧我們的兒子。」

And then as I began the walk to the hospital,

然後，在我開始走路去醫院時，

it crossed my mind for the first time,

有件事第一次閃過我的腦海，

"Oh. How ironic."

喔。多諷刺啊！

I had just written a book called "Blessed."

我才剛剛寫了一本書，叫《蒙福》。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I am a historian

我是歷史學家，

and an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.

而且是「好人有好報」 這個想法的專家。

I research a form of Christianity nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"

我研究一種基督教義， 暱稱「成功神學」，

for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.

它非常大膽的承諾說神想要你成功。

I never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel.

我從來不認為自己是 成功神學的信徒。

I was simply an observer.

我只是觀察者。

The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward you

成功神學相信神要獎賞你，

if you have the right kind of faith.

因為你有正確的信仰。

If you're good and faithful,

如果你良善又忠心，

God will give you health and wealth

神會賜你健康及財富，

and boundless happiness.

還有無窮盡的快樂。

Life is like a boomerang:

生命就像迴力鏢：

if you're good,

如果你良善，

good things will always come back to you.

美好的事物就會回到你身上。

Think positively. Speak positively.

思考要正向。說話也要正向。

Nothing is impossible if you believe.

只要你相信，什麼都有可能。

I got interested in this very American theology

我開始對這種 非常美式的神學產生興趣，

when I was 18 or so,

那時我十八歲左右，

and by 25 I was traveling the country interviewing its celebrities.

二十五歲前，我已經在這個國家 四處訪問這方面的名人。

I spent a decade talking to televangelists

我花了十年的時間與電視佈道家談論

with spiritual guarantees for divine money.

靈命如何保證屬天財富。

I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hair

我訪談了無數位大教會的牧師， 他們的髮型都好棒，

about how they live their best lives now.

談論他們如何在現在 活出最美好的人生。

I visited with people in hospital waiting rooms

我去探訪在醫院等候室的人，

and plush offices.

還有超豪華辦公室裡的人。

I held hands with people in wheelchairs,

我握著坐輪椅的人的手，

praying to be cured.

禱告他們得醫治。

I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacations

我贏得「聲譽」， 被稱為家庭度假摧毀者，

for always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.

因為我總是堅持要去當地 最漂亮的大教會坐坐。

If there was a river running through the sanctuary,

只要那裡有小溪穿過教堂，

an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,

有老鷹在會堂裡自由飛翔，

or an enormous spinning golden globe,

或是有個超大的旋轉金球，

I was there.

我都會出現。

When I first started studying this, the whole idea of being "blessed"

我開始研究這個的時候， 「領受祝福」這件事

wasn't what it is today.

跟今天完全不一樣。

It was not, like it is now,

那時，不像現在，

an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.

沒有整個「#蒙福」(#blessed) 系列的家居用品。

It was not yet a flood of "#blessed" vanity license plates and T-shirts

那時也沒有「#蒙福」 客製汽車牌照及短袖汗衫

and neon wall art.

及霓虹壁貼裝飾。

I had no idea that "blessed" would become one of the most common cultural cliches,

我完全不知道「蒙福」會成為 被說到爛的文化陳詞，

one of the most used hashtags on Instagram,

被用到爛的 Instagram 主題標籤，

to celebrate barely there bikini shots,

被拿來讚揚清涼比基尼照，

as if to say, "I am so blessed.

好像在說：「我真蒙福。

Thank you, Jesus, for this body."

感謝耶穌給我這樣的身體。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I had not yet fully grasped the way that the prosperity gospel

我還沒有完全掌握到成功神學

had become the great civil religion,

怎麼變成全民信仰，

offering another transcendent account

給予美國夢的中心思想 另一個超然的根據。

of the core of the American Dream.

Rather than worshipping the founding of America itself,

成功神學不是崇拜創建美國這件事，

the prosperity gospel worshipped Americans.

而是崇拜美國人。

It deifies and ritualizes their hungers,

它神化及儀式化美國人的渴望、

their hard work and moral fiber.

勤奮及道德品質。

Americans believe in a gospel of optimism,

美國人信仰樂觀的福音，

and they are their own proof.

而他們自身就是證明。

But despite telling myself,

但是儘管我告訴自己

"I'm just studying this stuff, I'm nothing like them,"

「我只是研究這玩意， 我跟他們不一樣，」

when I got my diagnosis,

當我得到診斷報告時，

I suddenly understood how deeply invested I was

我才突然明白我有多投入

in my own Horatio Alger theology.

我自己的霍瑞修·愛爾傑 努力就會成功的神學。

If you live in this culture, whether you are religious or not,

如果你住在這個文化裡， 不管你有沒有信仰，

it is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trap

都很難避免掉入

美德與成功肩並肩的思想陷阱裡。

of believing that virtue and success go hand in hand.

The more I stared down my diagnosis,

我愈盯著自己的診斷，

the more I recognized that I had my own quiet version

就愈認清原來我自己

對好人有好報這個想法 有一個低調的版本。

of the idea that good things happen to good people.

Aren't I good?

我不是很良善嗎？

Aren't I special somehow?

我不是還算特別嗎？

I have committed zero homicides

我還沒犯過謀殺罪，

to date.

至少到目前為止！

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

So why is this happening to me?

所以這怎麼會發生在我身上？

I wanted God to make me good

我希望上帝讓我變得良善，

and to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.

並因我的信心而能 一路得幾個光輝的獎賞。

OK, like, a lot of shining awards.

好吧，我承認，很多光輝的獎賞。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I believed that hardships were only detours

我相信苦難只是讓我在

無庸置疑的漫漫人生中繞個路罷了。

on what I was certain would be my long, long life.

As is this case with many of us, it's a mindset that served me well.

就像大多數人一樣， 這種心態對我很有幫助。

The gospel of success drove me to achieve,

成功神學驅使我有成就，

to dream big,

作遠大的夢，

to abandon fear.

放下恐懼。

It was a mindset that served me well

這種心態對我很有幫助，

until it didn't,

直到無用為止，

until I was confronted with something I couldn't manage my way out of;

直到我面對自己無力解決的問題，

until I found myself saying into the phone,

直到我發現自己對著電話說：

"But I have a son,"

「可是我還有個兒子，」

because it was all I could think of to say.

因為那是我唯一能想到的話。

That was the most difficult moment to accept:

那是最難接受的時刻：

the phone call, the walk to the hospital,

那通電話，去醫院的路，

when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospel

在我明瞭我個人的成功神學版本

had failed me.

讓我大失所望的時候。

Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me --

我自認自己還不錯或特別的部分

都不能拯救我——

my hard work, my personality,

我勤奮的工作，我的人格，

my humor, my perspective.

我的幽默，我的觀點。

I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls,

我不得不面對事實： 我的人生是紙牆糊的，

and so is everyone else's.

別人的也一樣。

It is a hard thought to accept that we are all a breath away

我們很難接受這個想法， 就是在瞬息之間，

from a problem that could destroy something irreplaceable

某個難處就會摧毀無可取代的事物，

or alter our lives completely.

或完全改變我們的生活。

We know that in life there are befores and afters.

我們都知道人生有 「以前」和「以後」。

I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back,

我總是被期待要說 「我永遠不會回頭，」

or that I've gained so much in perspective.

或「我學到很多。」

And I tell them no,

而我都會跟他們說 「不是這樣，以前更好。」

before was better.

A few months after I got sick, I wrote about this

我生病後幾個月，我寫下這個，

and then I sent it off to an editor at the "New York Times."

然後送給紐約時報的某位編輯。

In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your life

現在回想起來，

把人生最脆弱的時刻寫成專欄，

and turning into an op-ed

is not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.

好像也不是讓自己 感覺不那麼脆弱的好方法。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I got thousands of letters and emails.

我收到無數封信件及電郵。

I still get them every day.

現在我每天還是會收到。

I think it is because of the questions I asked.

我想這是因為我問的問題。

I asked: How do you live without quite so many reasons

我問：你要怎麼毫無疑問的活下去，

for the bad things that happen?

如果壞事發生了？

I asked: Would it be better to live without outrageous formulas

我問：這樣會不會過得更好， 如果沒有太過分的公式

for why people deserve what they get?

解釋為什麼人應得他們得到的？

And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course,

最好玩也是最可怕的地方當然是

I thought I asked people to simmer down

我以為我在請求大家平靜下來，

on needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.

不要再要求解釋為什麼壞事發生了。

So what did thousands of readers do?

那麼千萬的讀者怎麼回應？

Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea that there had to be a reason

對啊，他們寫信來捍衛這個想法，

就是發生在我身上的事一定有原因。

for what happened to me.

And they really want me to understand the reason.

他們真的要我去了解原因。

People want me to reassure them that my cancer is all part of a plan.

大家希望我向他們保證 我的癌症是計畫的一部分。

A few letters even suggested it was God's plan that I get cancer

有幾封信甚至暗示著 我得到癌症是神的計畫，

so I could help people by writing about it.

所以我才能寫下來幫助別人。

People are certain it is a test of my character

人們確信這是對我性格的考驗，

or proof of something terrible I've done.

或證明我做過可怕的事。

They want me to know without a doubt

他們要我知道，毫無疑問，

that there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.

這看似混亂的背後 一定有個隱而未見的邏輯。

They tell my husband,

他們對我先生說，

while I'm still in the hospital,

當時我還在醫院，

that everything happens for a reason,

每件事發生都有理由，

and then stammer awkwardly when he says,

然後他們只能支支吾吾， 因為他回說：

"I'd love to hear it.

「好啊，告訴我理由。

I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying."

我要聽我妻子邁向死亡的理由。」

And I get it.

我恍然大悟。

We all want reasons.

我們都想要理由。

We want formulas

我們要公式

to predict whether our hard work will pay off,

預測努力是否有回報，

whether our love and support will always make our partners happy

預測我們的愛與支持 是否永遠都會讓另一半高興，

and our kids love us.

讓我們的孩子愛我們。

We want to live in a world in which not one ounce

我們想要的世界裡，

每一分努力、每一分痛苦， 或最深切的希望都不是枉然。

of our hard work or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.

We want to live in a world in which nothing is lost.

我們想要的世界裡，沒有任何落空。

But what I have learned in living with stage IV cancer

但是我在與末期癌症共存下學到，

is that there is no easy correlation

我有多努力跟我的壽命 沒有簡單的關聯。

between how hard I try

and the length of my life.

In the last three years, I've experienced more pain and trauma

過去三年，我經歷的痛苦與創傷，

than I ever thought I could survive.

比我想像能承受的多很多。

I realized the other day that I've had so many abdominal surgeries

有一天我突然發現 我開過這麼多次腹部手術，

that I'm on my fifth belly button,

我現在有第五個肚臍了，

and this last one is my least favorite.

而且這個肚臍是我最不愛的。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

But at the same time, I've experienced love,

但是同時，我也經歷了愛，

so much love,

好多愛，

love I find hard to explain.

很難解釋的愛。

The other day, I was reading the findings

有一天，我在讀

瀕臨死亡經驗研究基金會的發現，

of the Near Death Experience Research Foundation,

and yes, there is such a thing.

沒錯，有這種東西。

People were interviewed about their brushes with death

人們受訪談論他們 與死亡擦身而過的經驗。

in all kinds of circumstances:

各種情況都有：

car accidents, labor and delivery,

車禍、生產、

suicides.

自殺。

And many reported the same odd thing:

很多人都描述同樣一件怪事：

love.

愛。

I'm sure I would have ignored it if it hadn't reminded me

我相信我會忽略這件事，

如果沒有某件親身經歷的事 喚醒我的記憶，

of something I had experienced,

something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone:

某件我覺得很難啟齒的事：

that when I was sure that I was going to die,

當時我相信自己快死了，

I didn't feel angry.

我沒有生氣的感覺。

I felt loved.

我感受到被愛。

It was one of the most surreal things I have experienced.

這是我所經歷過最超自然的事。

In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God,

在我應該覺得被神遺棄的時刻，

I was not reduced to ashes.

我沒有化為灰燼。

I felt like I was floating,

我覺得自己好像漂浮著，

floating on the love and prayers

漂浮在愛與禱告中——

of all those who hummed around me like worker bees,

來自工蜂般嗡嗡圍繞著我的人——

bringing me notes and socks and flowers

他們給我慰問卡、襪子和花，

and quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.

還有繡著鼓勵話語的拼布被。

But when they sat beside me,

但是當他們坐在我身邊，

my hand in their hands,

將我的手握在他們手中，

my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me

我自己的苦難開始更像是 別人的苦難向我顯明。

the suffering of others.

I was entering a world of people just like me,

我進入一個世界，裡面的人就像我，

people stumbling around in the debris

芸芸眾生被破碎的夢絆倒——

of dreams they thought they were entitled to

他們以為應得的夢——

and plans they didn't realize they had made.

還有他們沒有意識到 已經做的計畫。

It was a feeling of being more connected, somehow, with other people,

這是種莫名的感覺， 好像自己與別人更加連結，

experiencing the same situation.

更感同身受。

And that feeling stayed with me for months.

那種感覺持續了好幾個月。

In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to it

事實上，我已經太習慣這種感覺，

that I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.

我開始恐慌可能會失去它。

So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked,

所以我開始問朋友、神學家、 歷史學家，我喜歡的修女：

"What I am I going to do when that loving feeling is gone?"

「那種愛的感覺沒有之後 我要怎麼辦？」

And they knew exactly what I was talking about,

他們都完全懂我在說什麼，

because they had either experienced it themselves

因為他們自己有親身經歷過，

or they'd read about it in great works of Christian theology.

或有讀過關於這方面的 基督教神學偉大作品。

And they said,

他們說：

"Yeah, it'll go.

「是的，它會消失。

The feelings will go.

這種感覺會消失。

And there will be no formula for how to get it back."

也沒有什麼方法能把它找回來。」

But they offered me this little piece of reassurance,

但是他們給了我一點點小小的確據，

and I clung to it.

我緊緊抓著它不放。

They said,

他們說：

"When the feelings recede like the tides,

「即使這種感覺像退潮般漸漸消失，

they will leave an imprint."

還是會留下印記。」

And they do.

的確如此。

And it is not proof of anything,

這沒有證明什麼，

and it is nothing to boast about.

也沒有什麼好誇的。

It was just a gift.

它就是個禮物。

So I can't respond to the thousands of emails I get

所以我無法回應 我所收到的成千上萬封電郵，

with my own five-step plan to divine health

用我自創的屬天健康五步驟

and magical floating feelings.

和神奇漂浮感。

I see that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible,

我看到這世界因各種事件而震動，

無論事件是美妙還是可怕，

gorgeous and tragic.

華美還是悲慘。

I can't reconcile the contradiction,

我無法調解矛盾，

except that I am beginning to believe that these opposites

只能開始相信這兩極

do not cancel each other out.

不能相互抵銷。

Life is so beautiful,

人生如此美麗，

and life is so hard.

而人生也如此困難。

Today, I am doing quite well.

現在，我過得還不錯。

The immunotherapy drugs appear to be working,

免疫療法藥物好像有用，

and we are watching and waiting with scans.

我們還在看，還在等掃描結果。

I hope I will live a long time.

我希望我能活很久。

I hope I will live long enough to embarrass my son

我希望我能活得夠久， 可以消遣一下兒子，

and to watch my husband lose his beautiful hair.

看我的丈夫掉光漂亮的頭髮。

And I think I might.

我想我可以。

But I am learning to live

但是我還在學著過生活，

and to love

去愛，

without counting the cost,

不要計算代價，

without reasons and assurances that nothing will be lost.

不要再想理由或確據， 以為什麼都不會失去。

Life will break your heart,

人生會讓你心碎，

and life may take everything you have

人生也可能會拿走你所擁有

and everything you hope for.

或你希望擁有的東西。

But there is one kind of prosperity gospel that I believe in.

但是有一種成功神學是我相信的。

I believe that in the darkness,

我相信即使在黑暗中，

even there,

就算是黑暗中，

there will be beauty,

也有美好的事物，

and there will be love.

也有愛。

And every now and then,

偶爾，

it will feel like more than enough.

也會覺得綽綽有餘。

Thank you.

謝謝。

(Applause)

（掌聲）