The Chilling Aftershock of a Brush with Death | Jean-Paul Mari | TED Talks

Prevodilac: Mile Živković Lektor: Ivana Korom

It was April 8, 2003.

Bio je to 8. april 2003.

I was in Baghdad, covering the war in Iraq.

Bio sam u Bagdadu i izveštavao o ratu u Iraku.

That day, Americans tanks started arriving in Baghdad.

Tog dana, američki tenkovi počeli su da dolaze u Bagdad.

We were just a few journalists in the Palestine Hotel,

Bilo je nekoliko nas novinara u hotelu "Palestina"

and, as happens in war,

i kako se to u ratu dešava,

the fighting began to approach outside our windows.

pucnjava je počela da se približava našim prozorima.

Baghdad was covered in black smoke and oil.

Bagdad je bio prekriven crnim dimom i naftom.

It smelled awful.

Užasno je smrdelo.

We couldn't see a thing, but we knew what was happening.

Nismo mogli da vidimo ništa, ali smo znali šta se dešavalo.

Of course, I was supposed to be writing an article,

Naravno, trebalo je da pišem članak,

but that's how it always goes --

ali tako se uvek desi -

you're supposed to be writing and something big happens.

treba da pišete i desi se nešto veliko.

So I was in my room on the 16th floor,

Bio sam u svojoj sobi na 16. spratu,

writing and looking out the window every now and then

pisao sam i povremeno gledao kroz prozor

to see what was happening.

da vidim šta se dešava.

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion.

Odjednom, desila se velika eksplozija.

During the previous three weeks,

Tokom prethodne tri nedelje,

there had been shelling with half-ton missiles,

bilo je bombardovanja granatama od pola tone,

but this time, the shock --

ali ovog puta, udar -

I felt it inside of me,

osetio sam ga u sebi

and I thought, "It's very close.

i pomislio sam: "Veoma je blizu.

It's very, very close."

Veoma, veoma blizu."

So I went down to see what was happening.

Sišao sam da vidim šta se dešava.

I went down to the 15th floor

Sišao sam na 15. sprat

to take a look.

da izvidim.

And I saw people, journalists, screaming in the hallways.

Video sam ljude, novinare, kako vrište po hodnicima.

I walked into a room

Ušao sam u sobu

and realized that it had been hit by a missile.

i shvatio da ju je pogodila granata.

Someone had been wounded.

Neko je bio ranjen.

There was a man near the window,

Pored prozora je bio čovek,

a cameraman named Taras Protsyuk,

kamerman, Taras Protsjuk,

lying face-down.

i ležao je licem na dole.

Having worked in a hospital before, I wanted to help out.

Pošto sam pre radio u bolnici, želeo sam da pomognem.

So I turned him over.

Okrenuo sam ga.

And when I turned him over,

Kada sam ga okrenuo,

I noticed that he was open from sternum to pubis,

primetio sam da je otvoren od grudne kosti do karlice,

but I couldn't see anything, nothing at all.

ali nisam mogao da vidim ništa, baš ništa.

All I saw was a white, pearly, shiny spot that blinded me,

Video sam samo belu, sedefastu, sjajnu tačku koja me je zaslepljivala

and I didn't understand what was going on.

i nisam razumeo šta se dešava.

Once the spot disappeared and I could see his wound,

Kada je tačka nestala i kada sam mogao da vidim njegovu ranu,

which was very serious,

koja je bila veoma ozbiljna,

moji prijatelji i ja pod njega smo stavili čaršav

my buddies and I put a sheet underneath him,

and we carried him onto an elevator that stopped at each of the 15 floors.

i nosili ga do lifta koji se zaustavljao na svakom od 15 spratova.

We put him in a car that took him to the hospital.

Stavili smo ga u automobil koji ga je odveo do bolnice.

He died on the way to the hospital.

Preminuo je na putu do bolnice.

The Spanish cameraman José Couso, who was on the 14th floor and also hit --

Španski kamerman Žoze Kuzo, koji je bio pogođen na 14. spratu -

because the shell had exploded between the two floors --

jer je granata eksplodirala između dva sprata,

died on the operating table.

preminuo je na operacionom stolu.

As soon as the car left, I went back.

Čim je automobil otišao, vratio sam se.

There was that article I was supposed to write --

Morao sam da napišem članak -

which I had to write.

da ga napišem.

And so --

I tako -

I returned to the hotel lobby with my arms covered in blood,

vratio sam se u glavni hodnik hotela ruku prekrivenih krvlju

when one of the hotel gofers stopped me

kada me je zaustavio jedan od službenika hotela

and asked me to pay the tax I hadn't paid for 10 days.

i pitao me da platim taksu koju nisam platio deset dana.

I told him to get lost.

Rekao sam mu da se gubi.

And I said to myself: "Clear your head, put it all aside.

Rekao sam sebi: "Razbistri glavu, skloni sve u stranu.

If you want to write, you need to put it all aside."

Ako želiš da pišeš, moraš sve da skloniš na stranu.

And that's what I did.

To sam i uradio.

I went upstairs, wrote my article and sent it off.

Popeo sam se, napisao članak i poslao ga.

Later, aside from the feeling of having lost my colleagues,

Kasnije, osim osećaja gubitka mojih kolega,

something else was bothering me.

još nešto me je mučilo.

I kept seeing that shiny, pearly spot,

Stalno sam viđao tu sjajnu, sedefastu tačku

and I couldn't understand what it meant.

i nisam mogao da razumem šta je ona značila.

And then, the war was over.

Onda, rat se završio.

Later, I thought: "That's not possible. I can't just not know what happened."

Kasnije sam pomislio: "To nije moguće. Ne mogu da ne znam šta se desilo."

Because it wasn't the first time, and it didn't only happen to me.

Jer to nije bio prvi put, i nije se desilo samo meni.

I have seen things like that happen to others

Viđao sam da se takve stvari dešavaju drugima

in my 20 to 35 years of reporting.

u mojih 20 do 35 godina izveštavanja.

I have seen things that had an effect on me too.

Viđao sam stvari koje su i na mene ostavljale posledice.

For example, there was this man I knew in Lebanon,

Na primer, bio je čovek iz Libana kojeg sam poznavao,

a 25-year-old veteran who had been fighting for five years --

25-godišnji veteran koji se borio pet godina,

a real veteran -- who we would follow everywhere.

pravi veteran, kojeg bismo pratili svuda.

He would crawl in the dark with confidence --

Sa samopouzdanjem bi se provlačio u mraku -

he was a great soldier, a true soldier --

bio je sjajan vojnik, pravi vojnik -

so we would follow him, knowing that we would be safe with him.

mi bismo ga pratili, sa znanjem da ćemo s njim biti bezbedni.

And one day, as I was told --

Jednog dana, kako su mi rekli -

and I've seen him again since --

a video sam ga od tada -

he was back in the camp, playing cards,

bio je u kampu, kartao se,

when someone came in next door,

kada je neko ušao kroz susedna vrata

and discharged their weapon.

i pucao iz oružja.

As the gun went off,

Kako je puška opalila,

that blast, that one shot, made him duck quickly under the table,

od toga udara, od jednog hica, brzo se sakrio pod stolom,

like a child.

poput deteta.

He was shaking, panicking.

Tresao se i paničio.

And since then, he has never been able to get up and fight.

Od tada nikada više nije mogao da ustane i da se bori.

He ended up working as a croupier

Završio je kao krupije

in a Beirut casino where I later found him,

u kazinu u Bejrutu, gde sam ga kasnije pronašao

because he couldn't sleep, so it was quite a suitable job.

jer nije mogao da spava, tako da je to bio zgodan posao.

So I thought to myself,

Pomislio sam u sebi:

"What is this thing that can kill you

"Šta je to što može da te ubije

without leaving any visible scars?

a da ne ostavi vidljiv ožiljak?

How does that happen?

Kako se to dešava?

What is this unknown thing?"

Šta je ta nepoznata stvar?

It was too common to be coincidental.

Bilo je previše često da bi bila slučajnost.

So I started to investigate --

Počeo sam da istražujem -

that's all I know how to do.

to je sve što znam da radim.

I started to investigate

Počeo sam da istražujem

by looking through books,

tako što sam čitao knjige,

reaching out to psychiatrists,

raspitivao se kod psihijatara,

going to museums, libraries, etc.

išao u muzeje, biblioteke itd.

Finally, I discovered that some people knew about this --

Konačno sam otkrio da su neki ljudi znali za ovo -

often military psychiatrists --

često vojni psihijatri

and that what we were dealing with was called trauma.

i da smo se nosili sa onim što se zove trauma.

Americans call it PTSD or traumatic neurosis.

Amerikanci to nazivaju PTSD ili traumatskom neurozom.

It was something

Bilo je to nešto

that existed,

što je postojalo

but that we never spoke about.

ali o čemu nikad nismo pričali.

So, this trauma --

Ova trauma -

what is it?

šta je to?

Well, it's an encounter with death.

To je susret sa smrću.

I don't know if you've ever had an experience with death --

Ne znam da li ste ikada imali iskustvo sa smrću -

I'm not talking about dead bodies,

ne pričam o mrtvim telima

or someone's grandfather lying in a hospital bed,

ili nečijem dedi koji leži u bolničkom krevetu

or someone who got hit by a car.

ili nekome koga je udario automobil.

I'm talking about facing the void of death.

Pričam o suočavanju sa prazninom smrti.

And that is something no one is supposed to see.

A to je nešto što niko ne bi trebalo da vidi.

People used to say,

Ljudi bi govorili:

"Neither the sun, nor death can be looked at with a steady eye."

"Sunce i smrt ne mogu se gledati čvrstim pogledom."

A human being should not have to face the void of death.

Ljudsko biće ne bi trebalo da se suoči s prazninom smrti.

But when that happens,

Ali kada se to desi,

it can remain invisible for a while --

može ostati nevidljivo neko vreme -

days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

danima, nedeljama, mesecima, ponekad godinama.

And then, at some point,

Onda, u nekom trenutku,

it explodes,

ono eksplodira

because it's something that has entered your brain --

jer je to nešto što vam je ušlo u mozak -

a sort of window between an image and your mind --

nešto poput prozora između slike i vašeg uma -

that has penetrated your brain,

ušlo vam je u mozak,

staying there and taking up all the space inside.

ostalo tamo i zauzelo sav prostor.

And there are people -- men, women,

Tu su ljudi - muškarci, žene,

who suddenly no longer sleep.

koji odjednom više ne spavaju.

And they experience horrible anxiety attacks --

Oni doživljavaju užasne napade anksioznosti -

panic attacks, not just minor fears.

panične napade, ne samo manje strahove.

They suddenly don't want to sleep,

Odjednom ne žele da spavaju,

because when they do, they have the same nightmare every night.

jer kada spavaju, svake noći imaju isti košmar.

They see the same image every night.

Svake noći vide istu sliku.

What type of image?

Kakvu sliku?

For example, a soldier who enters a building

Na primer, vojnika koji ulazi u zgradu

i susreće se licem u lice sa drugim vojnikom koji nišani na njega.

and comes face to face with another soldier aiming at him.

He looks at the gun, straight down the barrel.

Gleda u pušku, pravo u cev.

And this barrel suddenly becomes enormous, deformed.

Ova cev odjednom postaje ogromna, deformiše se,

It becomes fluffy, swallowing everything.

postaje čupava, guta sve.

And he says --

I on kaže -

later he will say, "I saw death.

kasnije će reći: "Video sam smrt.

I saw myself dead, therefore I'm dead."

Video sam sebe mrtvog, stoga ja jesam mrtav."

And from then on, he knows he is dead.

Od tada nadalje, on zna da je mrtav.

It is not a perception -- he is convinced that he is dead.

To nije utisak - ubeđen je da je mrtav.

In reality, someone came in, the guy left or didn't shoot, whatever,

Zapravo, neko je ušao, tip sleva je otišao ili nije pucao, šta god,

and he didn't actually get shot --

i zapravo nije pogođen -

but to him, he died in that moment.

ali za njega, umro je tog trenutka.

Or it can be the smell of a mass grave --

To može biti i miris masovne grobnice -

I saw a lot of that in Rwanda.

video sam dosta toga u Ruandi.

It can be the voice of a friend calling,

Može biti glas prijatelja koji doziva,

and they're being slaughtered and there's nothing you can do.

a upravo ga kolju, a vi ne možete da uradite ništa.

You hear that voice,

Čujete taj glas

and you wake up every night -- for weeks, months --

i budite se svake noći, nedeljama, mesecima -

in a trance-like state, anxious and terrified,

u stanju poput transa, napeti i isprepadani,

like a child.

poput deteta.

I have seen men cry --

Video sam muškarce koji plaču,

just like children --

poput dece -

from seeing the same image.

od iste slike koja se ponavlja.

So having that image of horror in your brain,

Prizor te slike strave u vašem mozgu -

seeing the void of death --

gledanje praznine smrti -

that analogue of horror which is hiding something --

to naličje strave koja nešto krije -

will completely take over.

to vas potpuno obuzima.

You cannot do anything, anything at all.

Ne možete da uradite baš ništa.

You cannot work anymore,

Više ne možete da radite,

you cannot love anymore.

ne možete da volite.

You go home and don't recognize anyone.

Odete kući i ne prepoznajete nikoga.

You don't even recognize yourself.

Ne prepoznajete čak ni sebe.

You hide and don't leave the house, you lock yourself in, you become ill.

Skrivate se i ne napuštate kuću, zaključate se, razbolite se.

I know people who placed small cans outside their house with coins inside,

Znam ljude koji su oko kuća postavili limenke sa kovanicama,

in case someone tried to get in.

za slučaj da neko pokuša da uđe.

All of a sudden, you feel like you want to die or kill

Odjednom osećate se kao da želite da umrete ili ubijete nekog

or hide or run away.

ili se sakrijete ili pobegnete.

You want to be loved, but you hate everyone.

Želite da budete voljeni, ali mrzite svakoga.

It's a feeling that seizes you entirely

To je osećaj koji vas potpuno obuzme,

day in and day out,

tokom celog dana

and you suffer tremendously.

i neverovatno patite.

And no one understands.

I niko ne razume.

They say, "There's nothing wrong with you. You seem fine, you have no injuries.

Kažu: "Tebi ne fali ništa. Izgledaš u redu, nemaš povreda.

You went to war, came back; you're fine."

Išao si na ratište, vratio si se, u redu si."

These people suffer tremendously.

Ovi ljudi neverovatno pate.

Some commit suicide.

Neki počine samoubistvo.

Samoubistvo je, nakon svega, kao nova stavka u vašoj agendi -

After all, suicide is like updating your daily planner --

I'm already dead, I might as well commit suicide.

već sam mrtav, mogao bih i da se ubijem.

Plus, there is no more pain.

Plus, bola više nema.

Some commit suicide, others end up under the bridge, drinking.

Neki se ubiju, neki završe pod mostom, pijući.

Everyone remembers that grandfather or uncle or neighbor

Svako se seća tog dede, ujaka ili suseda,

who used to drink, never said a word,

koji je pio, nikad nije ništa govorio,

always in a bad mood, beat his wife

uvek loše raspoložen, tukao je suprugu,

and who would end up either sinking into alcoholism or dying.

a koji bi završio ili mrtav ili bi potonuo u alkoholizam.

And why do we not talk about this?

A zašto ne pričamo o ovome?

We don't talk about it because it's taboo.

Ne pričamo o ovome jer je to tabu.

It's not like we don't have the words to express the void of death.

Nije da nemamo reči da opišemo prazninu smrti.

But others don't want hear it.

Ali drugi ne žele da čuju o tome.

The first time I returned from an assignment,

Prvi put kada sam se vratio s terena,

They said, "Oh! He's back."

rekli su: "Oh, vratio se!"

There was a fancy dinner -- white tablecloth, candles, guests.

Bila je tu svečana večera - beli stolnjak, sveće, gosti.

"Tell us everything!"

"Sve nam ispričaj!"

Which I did.

To sam i uradio.

Nakon 20 minuta, ljudi su me gledali sa užasnutim pogledima,

After 20 minutes, people were giving me dirty looks,

the hostess had her nose in the ashtray.

domaćica je zabila nos u pepeljaru.

It was horrible and I realized I ruined the whole evening.

Bilo je užasno i shvatio sam da sam upropastio celo veče.

So I don't talk about it anymore.

Tako da o tome više ne pričam.

We're just not ready to listen.

Prosto nismo spremni da slušamo.

People say outright: "Please, stop."

Ljudi odmah kažu: "Molim te, prestani."

Is that a rare occurrence?

Da li se to retko dešava?

No, it's extremely common.

Ne, veoma je često.

One third of the soldiers who died in Iraq --

Jedna trećina vojnika koji su poginuli u Iraku -

well, not "died," let me re-phrase that --

dobro, ne "poginuli", dozvolite da preformulišem,

one third of the US soldiers who went to Iraq

jedna trećina američkih vojnika koji su otišli u Irak

suffer from PTSD.

pate od PTSD-a.

In 1939, there were still 200,000 soldiers from the First World War

Godine 1939, još je bilo 200 000 vojnika iz Prvog svetskog rata

that were being treated in British psychiatric hospitals.

koji su se lečili u britanskim psihijatrijskim bolnicama.

In Vietnam, 54,000 people died --

U Vijetnamu, poginulo je 54 000 ljudi -

Americans.

Amerikanaca.

In 1987, the US government identified 102,000 --

Godine 1987, američka vlada identifikovala je 102 000 -

twice as many --

duplo više -

102,000 veterans who died from committing suicide.

102 000 veterana koji su oduzeli sebi život.

Twice as many deaths by suicide than by combat in Vietnam.

Duplo više preminulih od samoubistva nego od borbe u Vijetnamu.

So you see, this relates to everything,

Vidite, ovo ima veze sa svime,

not just modern warfare, but also ancient wars --

ne samo s modernim ratovanjem već i drevnim ratovanjem -

you can read about it, the evidence is there.

možete čitati o tome, dokazi su tu.

So why do we not talk about it?

Zašto onda ne pričamo o tome?

Why have we not talked about it?

Zašto nismo pričali o tome?

The problem is that if you don't talk about it,

Problem je u tome da ako ne pričate o tome,

you're heading for disaster.

idete ka propasti.

The only way to heal --

Jedini način za izlečenje -

and the good news here is that this is treatable --

a dobra vest je da je ovo izlečivo -

think Munch's The Scream, Goya, etc. --

pomislite na Munkov "Vrisak", Goju, itd -

it's indeed treatable.

zaista je izlečivo.

The only way to heal from this trauma,

Jedini način da se izlečite od ove traume,

from this encounter with death that overwhelms, petrifies and kills you

od ovog susreta sa smrću koji prožima, ledi i ubija vas

is to find a way to express it.

je da pronađete način da je izrazite.

People used to say,

Ljudi bi govorili:

"Language is the only thing that holds all of us together."

"Jezik je jedina stvar koja nas drži na okupu."

Without language, we're nothing.

Bez jezika nismo ništa.

It's the thing that makes us human.

To je no što nas čini ljudima

In the face of such a horrible image --

Uprkos tako užasnom prizoru -

a wordless image of oblivion that obsesses us --

tihom prizoru zaborava koji nas zaposeda,

the only way to cope with it

jedini način da se nosite s tim

is to put human words to it.

je da to pretočite u ljudske reči.

Because these people feel excluded from humanity.

Ovi ljudi osećaju se izuzetim od ljudskosti.

No one wants to see them anymore and they don't want to see anyone.

Niko više ne želi da ih vidi i ne žele da vide nikoga.

They feel dirty, defiled, ashamed.

Osećaju se prljavo, obeščašćeno, posramljeno.

Someone said, "Doctor, I don't use the subway anymore

Neko je rekao: "Doktore, više ne idem podzemnom železnicom

because I'm afraid people will see the horror in my eyes."

jer se boljim da će ljudi videti užas u mojim očima."

Another guy thought he had a terrible skin disease

Drugi tip je mislio da ima odvratnu bolest kože

and spent six months with dermatologists, going from doctor to doctor.

i proveo je šest meseci kod dermatologa, idući od lekara do lekara.

And then one day, they sent him to a psychiatrist.

Onda su ga jednog dana poslali kod psihijatra.

During his second session, he told the psychiatrist

Tokom druge posete, rekao je psihijatru

he had a terrible skin disease from head to toe.

da je od glave do pete imao odvratnu bolest kože.

The psychiatrist asked, "Why are you in this state?"

Psihijatar je pitao: "Zašto ste u ovakvom stanju?"

And the man said, "Well, because I'm dead, so I must be rotting away."

A čovek je rekao: "Pa, zašto sam mrtav, mora da trunem."

So you see this is something that has a profound effect on people.

Vidite, ovo je nešto što ima dubok uticaj na ljude.

In order to heal, we need to talk about it.

Kako bi se izlečili, moramo da pričamo o tome.

The horror needs to be put into words --

Užas mora da se pretoči u reči -

human words, so we can organize it and talk about it again.

ljudske reči, tako da možemo da ga organizujemo i opet pričamo o tome.

We have to look death in the face.

Moramo smrti da pogledamo u lice.

And if we can do that, if we can talk about these things,

Ako možemo da uradimo to, ako možemo da pričamo o ovim stvarima,

then step by step, by working it out verbally,

onda korak po korak, verbalno radeći na tome,

we can reclaim our place in humanity.

možemo vratiti svoje mesto u ljudskosti.

And it is important.

A ovo je bitno.

Silence kills us.

Tišina nas ubija.

So what does this mean?

Šta onda ovo znači?

It means that after a trauma,

Znači da nakon traume,

without question, we lose our "unbearable lightness of being,"

bez pitanja, gubimo svoju "nepodnošljivu lakoću postojanja",

that sense of immortality that keeps us here --

taj osećaj besmrtnosti koji nas održava ovde -

meaning, if we're here, we almost feel like we're immortal, which we're not,

znači, ako smo ovde, osećamo se skoro kao da smo besmrtni, a nismo,

but if we didn't believe that, we'd say, "What's the point of it all?"

ali ako ne bismo verovali u to, rekli bismo: "Koji je smisao svega?"

But trauma survivors have lost that feeling of immortality.

Ali oni koji prežive traumu gube taj osećaj besmrtnosti.

They've lost their lightness.

Izgubili su svoju lakoću.

But they have found something else.

Ali pronašli su nešto drugo.

So this means that if we manage to look death in the face,

Ovo znači da ako uspemo da smrt pogledamo u lice,

and actually confront it, rather than keep quiet and hide,

i suočimo se s njom, umesto da ćutimo i da se krijemo,

like some of the men or women I know did,

kao što su radili neki muškarci i žene koje sam poznavao,

such as Michael from Rwanda, Carole from Iraq, Philippe from the Congo

popuz Majkla iz Ruande, Kerol iz Iraka, Filipa iz Konga,

and other people I know,

i drugih koje poznajem,

like Sorj Chalandon, now a great writer,

poput Sorža Šalandona, koji je sada sjajan pisac,

who gave up field assignments after a trauma.

koji je odustao od terenskog rada nakon traume.

Five friends of mine committed suicide,

Petoro mojih prijatelja sebi je oduzelo život,

they're the ones who did not survive the trauma.

oni su ti koji nisu preživeli traumu.

So if we can look death in the face,

Ako možemo smrt da pogledamo u lice,

if we, mortal humans, human mortals,

ako mi, smrtni ljudi, ljudski smrtnici,

understand that we are human and mortal, mortal and human,

razumemo da smo ljudi i smrtni, smrtni i ljudi,

if we can confront death and identify it once again

ako možemo da se suočimo sa smrću i opet je identifikujemo

as the most mysterious place of all mysterious places,

kao najmisteroznije mesto od svih misterioznih mesta,

since no one has ever seen it --

pošto je niko nikad nije video -

if we can give it back this meaning,

ako možemo da joj vratimo ovo značenje,

yes, we may die,

da, možda ćemo umreti,

survive

preživeti

and come back to life,

i vratiti se među žive,

but we'll come back stronger than before.

ali vratićemo se jači nego pre.

Much stronger.

Mnogo jači.

Thank you.

Hvala vam.

(Applause)

(Aplauz)