The Chilling Aftershock of a Brush with Death | Jean-Paul Mari | TED Talks

譯者: Geoff Chen 審譯者: Winnie Zhang

It was April 8, 2003.

在2003年的4月8日，

I was in Baghdad, covering the war in Iraq.

我在巴格達，報道伊拉克戰爭。

That day, Americans tanks started arriving in Baghdad.

那一天，美軍的坦克開始抵達巴格達。

We were just a few journalists in the Palestine Hotel,

我們就是幾個記者而已， 住在巴勒斯坦飯店裏，

and, as happens in war,

然後，就像任何戰爭一樣，

the fighting began to approach outside our windows.

戰火開始蔓延到我們的窗外。

Baghdad was covered in black smoke and oil.

巴格達被黑色的油煙籠罩，

It smelled awful.

味道十分難聞。

We couldn't see a thing, but we knew what was happening.

我們什麽都看不到， 但卻知道發生了什麽。

Of course, I was supposed to be writing an article,

當然，我當時應該在寫一篇文章，

but that's how it always goes --

但事情往往是這樣的：

you're supposed to be writing and something big happens.

當你正在寫作時， 一些大事就會發生。

So I was in my room on the 16th floor,

所以當時我在16層的房間裏，

writing and looking out the window every now and then

邊寫東西邊時不時望向窗外，

to see what was happening.

隨時看著外面的情況。

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion.

突然，一聲巨大的爆炸聲響徹天空。

During the previous three weeks,

在這之前的三週裏，

there had been shelling with half-ton missiles,

曾有過半噸重的導彈炮擊，

but this time, the shock --

但這次，我深深地

I felt it inside of me,

感受到了震驚，

and I thought, "It's very close.

我想，“這次太近了。

It's very, very close."

太近了，太近了。”

So I went down to see what was happening.

所以我跑下去看看情況。

I went down to the 15th floor

我下到了15樓

to take a look.

想看一看。

And I saw people, journalists, screaming in the hallways.

然後我看到很多人， 記者在走廊裏尖叫。

I walked into a room

我走進了一個房間，

and realized that it had been hit by a missile.

才意識到它已經被一顆導彈擊中。

Someone had been wounded.

有人受傷了。

There was a man near the window,

傷者在靠近窗戶的地方

a cameraman named Taras Protsyuk,

是個叫Taras Protsyuk的攝影師，

lying face-down.

他正臉朝下躺著。

Having worked in a hospital before, I wanted to help out.

因為我曾經在醫院工作， 我過去幫忙。

So I turned him over.

所以我把他翻過身來，

And when I turned him over,

然後當我把他翻過來時，

I noticed that he was open from sternum to pubis,

我發現他從胸骨到恥骨 敞開了一個大口子

but I couldn't see anything, nothing at all.

但是我什麽都看不到， 什麽都沒有。

All I saw was a white, pearly, shiny spot that blinded me,

我能看到的只是一個白色的亮點， 閃瞎了我的眼睛，

and I didn't understand what was going on.

我不明白到底發生了什麽。

Once the spot disappeared and I could see his wound,

當亮點消失後， 我才看到他的傷口，

which was very serious,

傷勢非常嚴重，

my buddies and I put a sheet underneath him,

我的夥伴跟我一起 把一條床單放在他身下，

and we carried him onto an elevator that stopped at each of the 15 floors.

然後我們把他擡上了 一個在15層停靠的電梯。

We put him in a car that took him to the hospital.

我們把他放到車裏， 往醫院開去。

He died on the way to the hospital.

他就在去醫院的路上死了。

The Spanish cameraman José Couso, who was on the 14th floor and also hit --

因為爆炸發生在兩層之間，

because the shell had exploded between the two floors --

住在14層的西班牙攝影師 José Couso也被擊中，

died on the operating table.

然後在手術臺上去世了。

As soon as the car left, I went back.

車一走，我就回去了。

There was that article I was supposed to write --

還有一篇我要寫的文章，

which I had to write.

我必須要完成它。

And so --

所以---

I returned to the hotel lobby with my arms covered in blood,

我回到酒店大廳， 胳膊上滿是鮮血，

when one of the hotel gofers stopped me

一個酒店的服務生擋住我，

and asked me to pay the tax I hadn't paid for 10 days.

要我付我拖欠了10天稅金。

I told him to get lost.

我讓他走開。

And I said to myself: "Clear your head, put it all aside.

然後我自言自語道： “冷靜下來，別的都不要管。

If you want to write, you need to put it all aside."

如果你想寫東西， 你就要把這些事放在一邊。“

And that's what I did.

我也是那樣做的。

I went upstairs, wrote my article and sent it off.

我上了樓， 寫完報道然後發了出去。

Later, aside from the feeling of having lost my colleagues,

過了一會兒， 除了失去同事的傷痛，

something else was bothering me.

還有一些情緒困擾著我。

I kept seeing that shiny, pearly spot,

我一直都能看到那個白色的亮點，

and I couldn't understand what it meant.

我也不知道這意味著什麽。

And then, the war was over.

然後，戰爭結束了。

Later, I thought: "That's not possible. I can't just not know what happened."

後來我想：“不可能， 我不可能不知道是怎麽回事。“

Because it wasn't the first time, and it didn't only happen to me.

因為這不是第一次， 而且不止我一個人這樣了。

I have seen things like that happen to others

在我20到35年的報道生涯中，

in my 20 to 35 years of reporting.

我見過別人發生了這種事。

I have seen things that had an effect on me too.

我自己也看到了一 些東西， 對我產生了一定影響。

For example, there was this man I knew in Lebanon,

例如，我在黎巴嫩認識的一個人，

a 25-year-old veteran who had been fighting for five years --

一個25歲的老兵， 有5年的戰爭經驗，

a real veteran -- who we would follow everywhere.

他是一個真正的老兵， 我們到哪都喜歡跟著他。

He would crawl in the dark with confidence --

他能在黑暗中自信匍匐，

he was a great soldier, a true soldier --

是一個厲害的戰士， 真正的戰士，

so we would follow him, knowing that we would be safe with him.

所以我們願意跟著他， 覺得跟著他就會安全。

And one day, as I was told --

有一天，我得知--

and I've seen him again since --

在那之後我才見到他--

he was back in the camp, playing cards,

他當時正在營地後面打牌，

when someone came in next door,

突然隔壁闖進來幾個人，

and discharged their weapon.

朝他們開槍。

As the gun went off,

開槍後，

that blast, that one shot, made him duck quickly under the table,

那突如其來的爆炸聲和亮光， 讓他迅速躲到桌子下面，

like a child.

就像一個孩子一樣。

He was shaking, panicking.

他全身發抖，陷入了恐慌中。

And since then, he has never been able to get up and fight.

然後從那以後， 他再也無法站起來戰鬥了。

He ended up working as a croupier

他最後在一個貝魯特賭場

in a Beirut casino where I later found him,

做了一個賭臺管理人， 我也是在那找到他的。

because he couldn't sleep, so it was quite a suitable job.

因為他睡不著覺， 所以這個賭場的工作還挺適合他的。

So I thought to myself,

那我就思考了一個問題：

"What is this thing that can kill you

什麽東西可以殺了你，

without leaving any visible scars?

並且不留下一道可見的傷疤？

How does that happen?

這是怎麽回事？

What is this unknown thing?"

這個未知的東西是什麽？

It was too common to be coincidental.

這種現象太常見了，不是什麽巧合。

So I started to investigate --

所以我開始著手調查--

that's all I know how to do.

那是我唯一知道怎麽做的事情。

I started to investigate

我的調查手段包括

by looking through books,

查閱書籍，

reaching out to psychiatrists,

與心理醫生溝通，

going to museums, libraries, etc.

去博物館和圖書館等。

Finally, I discovered that some people knew about this --

最終，我發現 有些人是了解這種現象的--

often military psychiatrists --

經常是些軍隊上的心理醫生--

and that what we were dealing with was called trauma.

我們面對的就是一種叫做創傷的東西。

Americans call it PTSD or traumatic neurosis.

美國人稱它為創傷後應激障礙， 或創傷性神經癥。

It was something

這種東西

that existed,

的確是存在的，

but that we never spoke about.

但我們卻從未提起過。

So, this trauma --

那麽，這個創傷，

what is it?

是什麽呢？

Well, it's an encounter with death.

它是與死亡的相遇。

I don't know if you've ever had an experience with death --

我不知道你們是否 曾經有過面對死亡的經歷，

I'm not talking about dead bodies,

我不是說屍體，

or someone's grandfather lying in a hospital bed,

不是說某人的祖父 躺在醫院的病床上，

or someone who got hit by a car.

也不是說誰被車撞了。

I'm talking about facing the void of death.

我說的是面對死亡的空間。

And that is something no one is supposed to see.

而且那應該是一種大家都看不到的東西。

People used to say,

人們經常說，

"Neither the sun, nor death can be looked at with a steady eye."

“沒人能盯著太陽和死亡看。“

A human being should not have to face the void of death.

一個人不應該面對死亡的空間。

But when that happens,

但一旦發生了，

it can remain invisible for a while --

它就會不著痕跡的待上一段時間--

days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

也許是幾天，幾週， 幾個月，有時甚至幾年。

And then, at some point,

然後，在某一個時間點，

it explodes,

它會爆發，

because it's something that has entered your brain --

因為它已經進入了你的大腦中--

a sort of window between an image and your mind --

猶如一扇從影像通往你精神的窗戶--

that has penetrated your brain,

已經滲透了妳的大腦，

staying there and taking up all the space inside.

留在裏面並占據了所有的空間。

And there are people -- men, women,

然後有的人-- 男人也好，女人也好，

who suddenly no longer sleep.

突然就再也無法入睡了。

And they experience horrible anxiety attacks --

接下來他們會變得極其憂慮--

panic attacks, not just minor fears.

極其恐慌， 還不僅僅是輕微的害怕。

They suddenly don't want to sleep,

他們突然就不想睡覺，

because when they do, they have the same nightmare every night.

因為如果他們睡覺， 就會每晚做同樣的噩夢。

They see the same image every night.

每晚都會看到同樣的畫面。

What type of image?

什麽樣的畫面呢？

For example, a soldier who enters a building

例如，一個士兵走進一棟樓，

and comes face to face with another soldier aiming at him.

然後面對用槍指著他的另一位士兵。

He looks at the gun, straight down the barrel.

他看著槍， 直直地盯著槍筒。

And this barrel suddenly becomes enormous, deformed.

然後槍筒突然就變大了， 走形了。

It becomes fluffy, swallowing everything.

開始四處擴撒， 吞噬著周圍的一切。

And he says --

然後他說--

later he will say, "I saw death.

或來他會說， “我看到了死亡。

I saw myself dead, therefore I'm dead."

我看見自己死了， 所以我應該是死了。”

And from then on, he knows he is dead.

所以從那之後， 他認為自己死了。

It is not a perception -- he is convinced that he is dead.

這不是一種感知-- 他確信自己是死了。

In reality, someone came in, the guy left or didn't shoot, whatever,

現實情況是，有人闖進來了， 然後離開了或者是根本沒開槍，等等，

and he didn't actually get shot --

而且他確實沒有中彈--

but to him, he died in that moment.

但對於他來說， 那一刻的他已經死了。

Or it can be the smell of a mass grave --

那個畫面或許是一片大墓地--

I saw a lot of that in Rwanda.

我在盧旺達就看到了很多。

It can be the voice of a friend calling,

或許是一聲朋友的呼喚，

and they're being slaughtered and there's nothing you can do.

朋友被殺害了， 而你卻什麽也做不了。

You hear that voice,

你聽到那個聲音，

and you wake up every night -- for weeks, months --

然後你每晚會被驚醒-- 連續好幾週，好幾月--

in a trance-like state, anxious and terrified,

你會處於一種恍惚的狀態， 焦慮，恐懼，

like a child.

像個孩子一樣。

I have seen men cry --

我見過男人哭--

just like children --

哭得就像個孩子--

from seeing the same image.

就是因為反復看到那些影像。

So having that image of horror in your brain,

因此腦子裏有那些恐怖的畫面，

seeing the void of death --

看到死亡的空間--

that analogue of horror which is hiding something --

一種恐怖的畫面隱藏著某些東西--

will completely take over.

將會完完全全控制你。

You cannot do anything, anything at all.

你什麽都做不了。

You cannot work anymore,

你不能再去工作，

you cannot love anymore.

不能再去愛任何人。

You go home and don't recognize anyone.

你回到家卻一個人也認不出。

You don't even recognize yourself.

你甚至都不認不出自己。

You hide and don't leave the house, you lock yourself in, you become ill.

你把自己藏起來不願走出屋子半步， 你把自己鎖起來，開始生病。

I know people who placed small cans outside their house with coins inside,

我知道有的人 把易拉罐裝滿硬幣放在屋外，

in case someone tried to get in.

以防有人進入。

All of a sudden, you feel like you want to die or kill

突然間，你想要去死， 或去殺人，

or hide or run away.

去藏起來或逃跑。

You want to be loved, but you hate everyone.

你渴望被愛， 但同時你憎恨所有人。

It's a feeling that seizes you entirely

這種感覺無時無刻

day in and day out,

都在侵蝕著你，

and you suffer tremendously.

你遭受著巨大的痛苦。

And no one understands.

而且沒人會理解你。

They say, "There's nothing wrong with you. You seem fine, you have no injuries.

別人會說，“你沒有任何事情。 你看起來很好啊，也沒有受傷。

You went to war, came back; you're fine."

你去打仗了，回來了； 你現在很好。”

These people suffer tremendously.

這些人卻遭受著巨大的痛苦。

Some commit suicide.

有些人自殺了。

After all, suicide is like updating your daily planner --

畢竟，自殺就像是 更新一下你的日程表--

I'm already dead, I might as well commit suicide.

我反正已經死了， 自殺也沒什麽大不了。

Plus, there is no more pain.

另外，也不會有更多的痛苦了。

Some commit suicide, others end up under the bridge, drinking.

有人自殺了， 也有人終日在橋洞裏，酗酒。

Everyone remembers that grandfather or uncle or neighbor

每個人都記得自己的祖父， 或者是叔叔，還是鄰居，

who used to drink, never said a word,

經常喝酒，一句話也不說，

always in a bad mood, beat his wife

總是狀態很糟糕， 毆打妻子，

and who would end up either sinking into alcoholism or dying.

最後要麼就被酒精淹沒 要麽就幹脆死了。

And why do we not talk about this?

為什麽我們不談論這種事呢？

We don't talk about it because it's taboo.

我們不談是因為這是禁忌。

It's not like we don't have the words to express the void of death.

這不像是我們沒有語言 去描繪死亡空間。

But others don't want hear it.

而是別人根本不想聽。

The first time I returned from an assignment,

我第一次出任務回來時，

They said, "Oh! He's back."

別人說，“哦，他回來了！”

There was a fancy dinner -- white tablecloth, candles, guests.

然後一起共進隆重的晚餐-- 有白色的桌布、蠟燭，和賓客。

"Tell us everything!"

“快跟我們說說都發生了什麽！”

Which I did.

我這樣做了。

After 20 minutes, people were giving me dirty looks,

20分鐘後，人們臉色都不好看。

the hostess had her nose in the ashtray.

女主人的臉都要埋到煙灰缸裏了。

It was horrible and I realized I ruined the whole evening.

場面很可怕， 然後我意識到我毀了一個美好的晚上。

So I don't talk about it anymore.

所以我以後再也不要談了。

We're just not ready to listen.

我們只是沒有做好聆聽的準備。

People say outright: "Please, stop."

人們會直截了當的說： “請不要再說了。”

Is that a rare occurrence?

這是一個偶爾發生的事嗎？

No, it's extremely common.

不，這絕對是普遍存在的。

One third of the soldiers who died in Iraq --

三分之一的士兵 在伊拉克死亡--

well, not "died," let me re-phrase that --

好，不是”死了“， 讓我換個說法--

one third of the US soldiers who went to Iraq

三分之壹的士兵， 去了伊拉克

suffer from PTSD.

就會經歷創傷後應激障礙。

In 1939, there were still 200,000 soldiers from the First World War

1939年，仍有20萬參加過一戰的士兵

that were being treated in British psychiatric hospitals.

在英國的精神病醫院接受治療。

In Vietnam, 54,000 people died --

在越南，五萬四千人死亡--

Americans.

都是美國人。

In 1987, the US government identified 102,000 --

1987年，美國政府確認有十萬兩千名--

twice as many --

幾乎是在越南死亡人數的兩倍--

102,000 veterans who died from committing suicide.

十萬兩千名老兵自殺身亡。

Twice as many deaths by suicide than by combat in Vietnam.

自殺身亡的人數是越南戰死人數的兩倍。

So you see, this relates to everything,

因此大家看到， 這關乎著所有的一切，

not just modern warfare, but also ancient wars --

不僅是現代戰爭， 以前的戰爭同樣如此--

you can read about it, the evidence is there.

你可以查閱相關資料， 證據就明擺在那裏。

So why do we not talk about it?

那麽我們為什麽不談論它呢？

Why have we not talked about it?

我們為什麽從沒有談論過呢？

The problem is that if you don't talk about it,

問題在於 如果你不想談論這個話題，

you're heading for disaster.

你會走向災難。

The only way to heal --

治愈的唯一方法--

and the good news here is that this is treatable --

好消息是這是可以治療的--

think Munch's The Scream, Goya, etc. --

想一想蒙克的吶喊、 戈雅，等等--

it's indeed treatable.

這的確是可以治療的。

The only way to heal from this trauma,

從這種創傷中治愈的唯一方法，

from this encounter with death that overwhelms, petrifies and kills you

不再讓這種與死亡相遇的經歷 淹沒你，毀掉你的唯一方法，

is to find a way to express it.

就是想辦法去表達出來。

People used to say,

人們常說，

"Language is the only thing that holds all of us together."

“語言是唯一能把我們 維繫在一起的東西”

Without language, we're nothing.

離開語言， 我們什麽也不是。

It's the thing that makes us human.

是語言是我們成為人類。

In the face of such a horrible image --

面對如此可怕的影像--

a wordless image of oblivion that obsesses us --

一個困擾著我們的 無可名狀的影像--

the only way to cope with it

唯一對付它的方法

is to put human words to it.

就是把它變成人類的語言。

Because these people feel excluded from humanity.

因為這些人感覺自己失去了人性。

No one wants to see them anymore and they don't want to see anyone.

沒有人想見到他們， 他們也不想見到任何人。

They feel dirty, defiled, ashamed.

他們覺得自己骯臟，受到了玷汙， 並為此感到可恥。

Someone said, "Doctor, I don't use the subway anymore

有人說：“醫生， 我再也沒有坐地鐵了

because I'm afraid people will see the horror in my eyes."

因為我怕別人 看到我眼中的恐懼。”

Another guy thought he had a terrible skin disease

還有一個人認為 他得了一種可怕的皮膚病

and spent six months with dermatologists, going from doctor to doctor.

花了整整六個月 去看各種皮膚科醫生。

And then one day, they sent him to a psychiatrist.

後來，他們把這個人 送到了心理醫生那。

During his second session, he told the psychiatrist

在第二個療程的時候， 他告訴心理醫生

he had a terrible skin disease from head to toe.

他得了可怕的皮膚病， 從頭到腳都是。

The psychiatrist asked, "Why are you in this state?"

醫生問： “你為什麽會這樣認為？”

And the man said, "Well, because I'm dead, so I must be rotting away."

然後這個人回答：“因為 我已經死了，我的身體肯定腐爛了。”

So you see this is something that has a profound effect on people.

所以你看這就是 能給人留下深刻影響的東西。

In order to heal, we need to talk about it.

想要治愈， 我們需要去談論它。

The horror needs to be put into words --

要把恐懼用語言表達出來--

human words, so we can organize it and talk about it again.

人類的語言，所以我們能重新整理 並再次談論它。

We have to look death in the face.

我們必須要直面死亡。

And if we can do that, if we can talk about these things,

如果我們能做到， 如果我們能談論這些事情，

then step by step, by working it out verbally,

然後逐漸的， 通過用語言表達的方法，

we can reclaim our place in humanity.

我們能夠重新找回人性。

And it is important.

而且這很重要。

Silence kills us.

沈默可以殺掉我們。

So what does this mean?

那這意味著什麽呢？

It means that after a trauma,

這意味著在受到創傷後，

without question, we lose our "unbearable lightness of being,"

毫無疑問，我們失去了 “生命不能承受之輕”，

that sense of immortality that keeps us here --

就是那種讓我們存在的不朽感--

meaning, if we're here, we almost feel like we're immortal, which we're not,

就是說，如果我們存在，我們差不多感覺 自己是不朽的，當然我們不是，

but if we didn't believe that, we'd say, "What's the point of it all?"

但是如果我們不相信， 那這一切還有什麽意義呢？

But trauma survivors have lost that feeling of immortality.

但是受到創傷的人 會感覺不到這種不朽感。

They've lost their lightness.

他們已經失去了這個信念。

But they have found something else.

但同時他們也找到了其他的東西。

So this means that if we manage to look death in the face,

所以這意味著 如果我們能直面死亡，

and actually confront it, rather than keep quiet and hide,

實實在在的面對它， 而不是保持沈默或躲藏，

like some of the men or women I know did,

像我知道的有些男人或女人一樣，

such as Michael from Rwanda, Carole from Iraq, Philippe from the Congo

例如盧旺達的 Michael， 伊拉克的Carole，剛果的Philippe

and other people I know,

以及其他我認識的人，

like Sorj Chalandon, now a great writer,

像Sorj Chalandon， 現在是一位著名作家，

who gave up field assignments after a trauma.

他在一次創傷後不再出外勤。

Five friends of mine committed suicide,

我有五個朋友自殺了，

they're the ones who did not survive the trauma.

他們就是沒能 在創傷中存活下來的人。

So if we can look death in the face,

所以如果我們能直面死亡，

if we, mortal humans, human mortals,

如果我們肉體凡身的人類，

understand that we are human and mortal, mortal and human,

能明白我們是人類， 我們是終有一死的，

if we can confront death and identify it once again

如果我們能面對死亡 並再次將它看作

as the most mysterious place of all mysterious places,

是所有神秘地方中 最最神秘的寸土，

since no one has ever seen it --

因為沒有人見過--

if we can give it back this meaning,

如果我們能還原死亡的意義，

yes, we may die,

是的，我們會死，

survive

就能存活下來

and come back to life,

回歸生命，

but we'll come back stronger than before.

但我們回來時要比以前更堅強，

Much stronger.

無比堅強。

Thank you.

謝謝大家。

(Applause)

觀眾鼓掌。